While traveling recently, I was reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. She talks about those who dare greatly, those who work through feelings of shame. She calls them Wholehearted, the people who live their lives with their whole hearts. I am not one of them. I am learning from Brene Brown and others how to live in such a fashion, but I am still far from calling myself Wholehearted.
We all experience shame, but how we handle it determines if we live large, Wholehearted lives or small, sheltered lives. Mostly, my life has been small and sheltered. I seek what I think is safety and security, rather than going for the big prize.
I know people who live Wholeheartedly and, I thought of them as odd. They took chances - huge chances - with their finances, their relationships, their experiences and that all seemed foolhearted to me. Why take chances and risk losing what you have, even if what you have is not that much? That was me alright, holding tight to what little I had, always afraid that it would be taken from me, I would lose it foolishly, or that it would just disappear.
Brene Brown talks about how shame sabotages joy. Your life is going well and all you can do is imagine disasters that could rip away all that is good. You have been given a gift of a few years or months or weeks or days of happiness in most, if not all, areas of your life and instead of basking in the joy of the moment, your mind fills with the dreaded what-if's. What if I or my spouse loses our job? What if my spouse or my child or I get sick? What if I am in a car accident? What if there is another terroist attack? What if the stock market crashes? Oh, no, I will lose everything! I will be destitute, homeless, alone, in pain, sad. If I allow myself to feel joy now, or even just feel good, I am tempting fate to shower me with calamities.
Why do some of us think like that? We are carrying shame around with us, probably since childhood, and with shame comes the "not enough" feelings. I am not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough. Because I am not enough, I don't deserve much. Perhaps I have received more good than I deserve and soon it will be payback time. Whom am I to think I deserve this much happiness, good times, money, love? There is only so much happiness, good times, money and love in the world and I have surely reached my limit. I thought all these things at one time or another.
The people I know who live what Brene Brown calls Wholeheartedly, don't think this way, or, at least if they do on occasion think like that, they are able to snap out of it. They know they deserve joy, happiness, prosperity, success, and love. They believe that all these are in abundance and the good they receive does not lessen the good that others can have. And, because they think like this, because they are not living in the shadow of shame, they take chances, they live big, they embrace life. But, that does not always mean they succeed. No one experiences success 100% of the time. But, when they do fail, they react differently than people in shame, like me, would.
A businessman I know had a successful professional career which gave him financial security and a very comfortable life. He was happily married, well respected, in good health and enjoying a life that many would envy. I was shocked when he became a partner in a business venture that seemed risky at best and foolhearted at worst. To me, his new venture reeked of greediness. Didn't he already have enough? What more could he want? Why would he risk what he has for the chance to have more? My foreboding feelings about the business venture proved to be correct. The vision he and his partners had was not well developed and the location for their business was a poor choice. What they thought was enough capital to get their business off the ground came up far short of what was needed to even have the slightest chance of success. Some of the partners were self-serving and made poor decisions independent of the group. Soon their venture became a money pit. After shoveling in more money than they could afford, the partners began to look for ways to dump their business. Fortunately, a buyer came along and although they were able to recupe some of what they lost, they still came out of the venture with less money than when they started it.
Had that been me, I would have been consumed with shame. How could I, a successful business person, make such a terrible business decision? How could I not see through my less than trustworthy partners? I failed and I am a failure. I am embarrassed and ashamed. What will people think of me? Will I lose my credibility? I will never do such a foolhearty thing again.
Fortunately, the businessman had a healthier opinion of himself than I do of myself. He saw his failed venture as a lesson. He learned from his mistakes, shook off the dust of failure and moved forward with even more confidence than before. He now knew more than he did before his failed partnership, so he was sure his next venture would be successful. He was not worried about what others thought of him because he knew that they too had tried and failed. He knew that he was a success even if that particular business venture was not and he knew that he would try again.
With more years and life experiences behind me, I now understand that it was not greediness that motivated him, it was the desire for new adventures and successes. He liked playing the game. He liked inventing and creating new businesses. And, because he was willing and had always been willing to take chances, his failed business was just one blip on a map filled with successes.
Why has he been able to shake off shame while myself and others have not? Who knows? The influence of his parents, the childhood he experienced, his basic personality, his astrological sign, education, good luck? He did face shame, as we all do, but he knew how to diffuse it.
Brene Brown teaches that to shake off shame we need to name it and own it. Accept what happened. It is what it is. I cannot go back and change it; all I can do is accept it. Feel the shame, the pain. Allow yourself a period of time to experience the feelings, so you can get over them and move past them. Share your shame with someone you trust. Tell them your crappy story. Cry on someone's shoulder, just make sure it is someone who won't allow you to wallow in your shame. Pick someone who can show empathy and understanding, but who will also encourage you to pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Telling your story is powerful and freeing. Figure out what the lesson of your failure is and promise yourself that you won't make the same mistake again and, if you do, oh, well, go through the same process until the lesson is ingrained in you. Know that your decision was bad, your business or your relationship failed, or that you made a mistake. You are not bad, you are not a failure, you are not a mistake. Know that you are good, you are a success, you are worthy.
That is the difference between the businessman and me. He never doubted himself, even though he may have doubted his decisions regarding his failed business venture. And, because he never doubted himself, he was able to walk away from the ruins and build again. I, on the other hand, would still, ten years later, be beating myself up, regretting what I cannot change and afraid to try again, afraid to live large and dare greatly.
Fortunately, I am no longer the person I was when that knew about that man and his failed business. I have learned many lessons, some through experience, some through the advice and actions of others, some through reading (Thank you, Brene!). I am living a little bolder and daring a little more greatly than before, but I can improve. I am learning that I am more than my mistakes, I am learning there is enough, more than enough, for that businessman and for you and for me. I am learning that I have the right to live larger and be more. I have the right to Manifest Mount Dora.
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