Learning By Daring Greatly

While traveling recently, I was reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown.  She talks about those who dare greatly, those who work through feelings of shame.  She calls them Wholehearted,  the people who live their lives with their whole hearts.  I am not one of them.  I am learning from Brene Brown and others how to live in such a fashion, but I am still far from calling myself Wholehearted. 

We all experience shame, but how we handle it determines if we live large, Wholehearted lives or small, sheltered lives.  Mostly, my life has been small and sheltered.  I seek what I think is safety and security, rather than going for the big prize. 

I know people who live Wholeheartedly and, I thought of them as odd.  They took chances - huge chances - with their finances, their relationships, their experiences and that all seemed foolhearted to me.  Why take chances and risk losing what you have, even if what you have is not that much?  That was me alright, holding tight to what little I had, always afraid that it would be taken from me, I would lose it foolishly, or that it would just disappear.

Brene Brown talks about how shame sabotages joy.  Your life is going well and all you can do is imagine disasters that could rip away all that is good.  You have been given a gift of a few years or months or weeks or days of happiness in most, if not all, areas of your life and instead of basking in the joy of the moment, your mind fills with the dreaded what-if's.  What if I or my spouse loses our job?  What if my spouse or my child or I get sick?  What if I am in a car accident?  What if there is another terroist attack?  What if the stock market crashes?  Oh, no, I will lose everything!  I will be destitute, homeless, alone, in pain, sad.  If I allow myself to feel joy now, or even just feel good, I am tempting fate to shower me with calamities.

Why do some of us think like that?  We are carrying shame around with us, probably since childhood, and with shame comes the "not enough" feelings.  I am not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough.  Because I am not enough, I don't deserve much. Perhaps I have received more good than I deserve and soon it will be payback time.  Whom am I to think I deserve this much happiness, good times, money, love?  There is only so much happiness, good times, money and love in the world and I have surely reached my limit. I thought all these things at one time or another. 

The people I know who live what Brene Brown calls Wholeheartedly, don't think this way, or, at least if they do on occasion think like that, they are able to snap out of it.  They know they deserve joy, happiness, prosperity, success, and love.  They believe that all these are in abundance and the good they receive does not lessen the good that others can have.  And, because they think like this, because they are not living in the shadow of shame, they take chances, they live big, they embrace life. But, that does not always mean they succeed.  No one experiences success 100% of the time. But, when they do fail, they react differently than people in shame, like me, would.

A businessman I know had a successful professional career which gave him financial security and a very comfortable life.  He was happily married, well respected, in good health and enjoying a life that many would envy.  I was shocked when he became a partner in a business venture that seemed risky at best and foolhearted at worst.  To me, his new venture reeked of greediness. Didn't he already have enough?  What more could he want?  Why would he risk what he has for the chance to have more?  My foreboding feelings about the business venture proved to be correct.  The vision he and his partners had was not well developed and the location for their business was a poor choice.  What they thought was enough capital to get their business off the ground came up far short of what was needed to even have the slightest chance of success.  Some of the partners were self-serving and made poor decisions independent of the group.  Soon their venture became a money pit.  After shoveling in more money than they could afford, the partners began to look for ways to dump their business.  Fortunately, a buyer came along and although they were able to recupe some of what they lost, they still came out of the venture with less money than when they started it. 

Had that been me, I would have been consumed with shame.  How could I, a successful business person, make such a terrible business decision?  How could I not see through my less than trustworthy partners?  I failed and I am a failure.  I am embarrassed and ashamed.  What will people think of me?  Will I lose my credibility?  I will never do such a foolhearty thing again. 

Fortunately, the businessman had a healthier opinion of himself than I do of myself.  He saw his failed venture as a lesson.  He learned from his mistakes, shook off the dust of failure and moved forward with even more confidence than before.  He now knew more than he did before his failed partnership, so he was sure his next venture would be successful.  He was not worried about what others thought of him because he knew that they too had tried and failed.  He knew that he was a success even if that particular business venture was not and he knew that he would try again.

With more years and life experiences behind me, I now understand that it was not greediness that motivated him, it was the desire for new adventures and successes.  He liked playing the game.  He liked inventing and creating new businesses.  And, because he was willing and had always been willing to take chances, his failed business was just one blip on a map filled with successes. 

Why has he been able to shake off shame while myself and others have not?  Who knows?  The influence of his parents, the childhood he experienced, his basic personality, his astrological sign, education, good luck?  He did face shame, as we all do, but he knew how to diffuse it. 

Brene Brown teaches that to shake off shame we need to name it and own it.  Accept what happened.  It is what it is.  I cannot go back and change it; all I can do is accept it.  Feel the shame, the pain.  Allow yourself a period of time to experience the feelings, so you can get over them and move past them.  Share your shame with someone you trust.  Tell them your crappy story.  Cry on someone's shoulder, just make sure it is someone who won't allow you to wallow in your shame.  Pick someone who can show empathy and understanding, but who will also encourage you to pick yourself up and dust yourself off.  Telling your story is powerful and freeing.  Figure out what the lesson of your failure is and promise yourself that you won't make the same mistake again and, if you do, oh, well, go through the same process until the lesson is ingrained in you.  Know that your decision was bad, your business or your relationship failed, or that you made a mistake.  You are not bad, you are not a failure, you are not a mistake.  Know that you are good, you are a success, you are worthy. 

That is the difference between the businessman and me.  He never doubted himself, even though he may have doubted his decisions regarding his failed business venture.  And, because he never doubted himself, he was able to walk away from the ruins and build again.  I, on the other hand, would still, ten years later, be beating myself up, regretting what I cannot change and afraid to try again, afraid to live large and dare greatly.

Fortunately, I am no longer the person I was when that knew about that man and his failed business.  I have learned many lessons, some through experience, some through the advice and actions of others, some through reading (Thank you, Brene!).  I am living a little bolder and daring a little more greatly than before, but I can improve.  I am learning that I am more than my mistakes,   I am learning there is enough, more than enough, for that businessman and for you and for me.  I am learning that I have the right to live larger and be more.  I have the right to Manifest Mount Dora.    

Looking Back

This was a saying I saw on Facebook recently: Sometimes you just gotta look back at your past and smile at how far you've gotten.  No name was attributed to the quote, but it was posted by yTravel Blog so I want to give them the credit for it.

Those words made me stop and think.  My birthday is just around the corner and this is a good time to think about the past and how far I've come.  

Life has been moving very fast during the last week.  I was busy catching up at work and at home from my vacation and I watched my grandchildren several times during the week.  There just were not enough hours for all that needed to be done.  When I feel like I am behind in my responsibilities or that I have too much to do in too little time, I begin to feel a little defeated, like I am getting nowhere fast, like my dreams are always pushed into the future.  When that happened this week, I was glad to be reminded to look at my past and see how far I've come.  No, actually, not just see how far I've come, but SMILE at how far I've come.

I took a few minutes to compare the “me” today to the “me” a few years ago.  That difference is undeniably huge - as they say, “ I've come a long way, baby!”  But, what about the “me” of a year ago and the “me” now.  The change is not as remarkable, but still noticeable.  At this time last year, I was not sure what I wanted.  Now I know, and I am working towards manifesting a new home and life in Mount Dora.  I also know that I want to write and am doing  more and more of that.  A year ago, I did not have this blog which brings me so much pleasure and I am even considering starting a second blog.

Last year, my home life was in still in flux as my man and I continued adjusting to my daughter and grandchildren moving in the year before and now we are all settled with routines and schedules involving one another.  A family member who was living with us to help with the childcare moved out this past summer and now I have more of the responsibility for the care for my grandchildren, which is both wonderful and a huge lifestyle adjustment.  Since my daughter is adopted and I never had children of my own, I see this opportunity to help raise my grandchildren as a tremendous blessing that allows me to have an experience I missed during my child-bearing years.  Some family issues that caused turmoil during the past year have mostly been resolved and I am quite content with our home life.

I feel more connected to my home than I did a year ago and am proud of the living and dining room redecorating project that I completed this summer and am looking forward to redecorating another area of our house in these last weeks before the end of 2012.

My work has not changed much, but is chugging along nicely and steadily.  I started volunteering at the last remaining feminist bookstore in Florida, Wild Iris Books, and the experience has been very fulfilling and fascinating.  

My man and I made time to visit Mount Dora more regularly and we just had a wonderful vacation up north.  Since we are spending more time with my grandchildren, we are going on outings with them to the mall, festivals, concerts, restaurants and sometimes just for a long walk.  He and I also joined a gym and enjoy going there two or three times a week to workout.

The biggest change was the death of my mother this year and although I still find myself reaching for my phone to call and see how she is doing, I am at peace with her passing and sometimes feel her presence close to me.  Our relationship, though loving, was also rocky at times and all that seems to have drifted away.  I feel an intense peace and well-being when I think of her and I know whatever issues remained unsettled between us are settled now.

Even when life is hectic, as it usually is, I have a more defined sense of self.  Perhaps there have been no huge victories during the past year, but there certainly were a few accomplishments and many unexpected blessings.

It is easy for me to begin feeling lost and defeated, old and tired, weary and overwhelmed  when life gets too busy and feels out-of-control.  Taking a moment to assess our past and our journey to the present is a good way to be reminded that we've made progress and have blessings to celebrate.  And, we need to SMILE when we think of how far we've come.  We need to feel happy for whatever accomplishments, no matter how small.  We need to remember to celebrate ourselves.

Perhaps a walk down memory lane results in a feeling of defeat.  Perhaps you were better off last year than now.  Perhaps life was easier or happier before and the present looks dismal.  Truth be told, not every year sees us better off than the year before.  Our lives have highs and lows and sometimes the lows seem to last a very long time.  I've definitely been there.  And when you are in the midst of a low, it is hard - really, really hard - to identify anything to feel good about, anything to make you smile.  Look hard, dig deep.  There is always something, even if just a memory of a warm afternoon in a park after a cold winter or a strong cup of coffee one morning when you just could not get your day started or a friend who called at just the right moment when you needed some encouragement.  Those little moments can be just as important as the new job, the big raise, the new relationship.  Once you have identified some of those moments, try to look for them in the days ahead.  Take time to appreciate the cup of coffee, the time in the park and the call from a friend as they occur.  Once you start paying attention, I am sure you will find there are many more of those memorable moments than you realized.   And, I have no doubt, that you will soon be noticing that those moments are happening more frequently or that bigger and better changes are occurring.

I sometimes fall into the trap of comparing myself to someone else who appears to be better off or making more progress than me.  That is a sure way to feel badly about myself.  First, we don’t ever really know how well someone else is doing.  Appearances can be deceiving.  Second, we are all on different paths, traveling at different speeds.  I am not my neighbor or my friend or my co-worker.  I am not you and you are not me.  We can learn from one another and be inspired by one another, but since we cannot be one another, we are not comparable.  I can only judge my progress by my own desires, expectations, and experiences.  The same is true of comparing myself to someone who is going through a rougher time than I am currently experiencing.  My life and its accomplishments may seem extraordinary if compared to someone who is struggling, but that person’s life has nothing to do with mine.  If I compare myself to others, I am taking away my own specialness and individuality and I am denying that I have a purpose and a path that belongs to only me.  When I look at another and think they are making less progress than me, I am judging them by a criteria that only applies to my life.  My comparison diminishes who they are and who I am.

So my birthday is creeping up and I feel like the past year has been a success.  I feel I know myself better now than I did a year ago and that I am moving on the path that is right for me at this time in my life.  I found balance and lessons in several unexpected changes and experiences, some that were difficult and sad.

My upcoming year will bring more challenges, changes, blessings and surprises.  I will surely have moments of happiness and sadness, probably some fear and disappointment. I plan to write more, visit Mount Dora regularly, do what I can to help my daughter and grandchildren, rejoice in watching the children grown and learn, love my family and friends, work joyfully, laugh as often as I can, release what no longer serves me, embrace new experiences, travel to new places and be grateful for all little and big successes and lessons along the way.