Vulnerability Among Friends

I am still on the subject of vulnerability and still praising the work of Brené Brown.  If you missed my recommendations of her books in previous blogs, I will list them again:

Daring Greatly
The Gifts of Imperfection
The Power of Vulnerability

Vulnerability is when we choose to go outside our comfort zone; when we risk failure and ridicule to dare to do something different, to be someone different, to stretch and grow.  Vulnerability is uncomfortable for the one practicing it and often for those observing it.  When we are vulnerable, we bare our souls and open our hearts, and that can be scary, can make us feel nervous and ill-at-ease, but it can also be exhilarating, freeing and life-changing.   When we watch someone else being vulnerable, we squirm, feel awkward, are at a loss for words, or if we do speak, usually say the wrong thing - not something supportive and loving, but words that criticize, judge, ridicule and hurt.

When I chose to leave my husband and create a new life, I was being vulnerable.  When I began a new relationship, I was being vulnerable.  After a long married life of predictability and fear of the unknown, I chose to be vulnerable enough to dare to choose a new life.  I thought my "friends" would be supportive and happy for me.  Some did and those are still my friends today.  Others did not and, eventually, I no longer considered them friends.  Some of them were never really my friends to begin with, as they later proved,  and some were just not ready to accept the changes I was making.

My vulnerability raised issues for them.  Some wanted to make similar changes, but were afraid.  Watching me change, brought their fears to the surface.  Others resented what I was doing - either because they wanted to do the same and could not or would not, or their ideas of what is good and bad behavior raised judgments that what I was doing was wrong.  Some may have just feared change of any kind - even in someone else's life.  Either way, I made them uncomfortable and they did not know what to do with that feeling of unease so they lashed out at me with criticism, judgement and even ridicule.  And, honestly, in the past, I often behaved the same with others who made me uncomfortable with their vulnerability.

Sometimes looking at someone else is like looking in a mirror.  I am miserable and when I look at you I see someone who is miserable and we form a friendship based on our mutual unhappiness.  But, as soon as one of us dares to be vulnerable and go looking for happiness, the other feels betrayed.  The one left behind, let's call her Eva,  may not say these words, but she is thinking them, at some deep level, "How dare you go looking for happiness and leave me behind!"  What follows is fear.  Eva fears that I will find happiness and she never will.  Eva fears that our friendship will never be the same.  Eva fears that I will find happiness, then fall flat on may face, thereby confirming that her fear of happiness is justified - it never lasts and it leads to pain.

At first Eva's fear leads to her expression of all the dire consequences that could arise from my actions.  In the case of my marital separation, I heard, "You are too old to start over", "You will face all kinds of financial problems", "You will miss your home", "You were closer to your husband's family than your own and you will lose them", "You are moving too quickly", "Your problems with just follow you", "You will alienate your friends and family", "You are letting your heart rule your mind", "You will have to start all over", "You are not thinking things through", "You are being silly (stupid, immature)".

Once Eva runs out of warnings and predictions of failure, she resorts to criticism and judgement, as did my friends.  "Marriage is forever", "If you failed at this marriage, you will fail at other relationships", "You should not be in a new relationship if you are not divorced yet", "You are being selfish", "This is wrong", "You are wrong".

And, if Eva fails to change my course using criticism, she then recruits the help of others by gossiping.  Surely, if she tells everyone we know what I have shared with her, and what I may not be ready to share with others, they will agree with her that I am on a dangerous course and jump on her bandwagon to pull me back into the "real world".  That is exactly what happened, especially with my very own "Eva" who was quick to tell everyone where I had gone wrong.  Some she told did join in her chorus of criticism, some were uninterested, and others were insulted by Eva including them in her gossip circle and openly came to me with words of support and encouragement.

When my course of action did not change, even after Eva's gossiping, she resorted to treating me with rudeness, especially around our mutual friends, and then to exclusion - purposefully, leaving me out of activities, lunches, dinners, movies and other group activities.  

I was slow to react.  So much was changing in my life, so fast, that the resulting vulnerability was scaring me a little.  I felt like I needed the comfort of old relationships.  But, soon there was no comfort in those relationships.  The day I realized I was no longer gaining anything from those friendships and, in fact, was being mistreated, I made the choice to move on and leave those relationships in the friendship cemetery.  Doing so was not easy, but it was the right and healthy thing for me to do.

Now, years later, my Eva has made some of the same choices I did.  She opened herself up to her own vulnerability as she made brave and important changes in her life.  We still are not friends and never will be because there is too much distrust from the past, but we are friendlier than we have been in a very long time.

My closest friends now are those that saw and accepted my vulnerability;  who allowed me to change and showered me with support.  But, as time has past, I have forgiven those who were not there for me - those who attacked my vulnerability.  I know that they were uncomfortable and afraid and fear destroys relationships.