I feel fractured. The website www.freedictionary.com defines fractured as "The condition of having been broken or ruptured." Yes, that is how I feel.
Last month I thought the feeling was caused by the full moon phase of my astrological year. In other words, the period ruled by the astrological sign that is the exact opposite of mine. As a Scorpio, the Taurus period of April 20th through May 20th is my opposite sign, a time that can be challenging, resulting in upheaval, change, discord, and dissatisfaction. Even before knowing anything about astrology, I noticed that the April/May time of year was often hard for me. Astrology helped me to understand why. When this feeling of being fractured began in late April, I blamed the sign of Taurus and just waited patiently to enter the time of Gemini. But, Gemini has passed and I am feeling the same.
Back problems have plagued me for more than two months. Stabbing pain results from routine movements. Multiple chiropractor and massage therapist appointments have helped, but the pain, though less, persists. Even turning over in my sleep can cause an excruciating pain that wakes me up gasping to breathe. I can no longer scratch my back, stretch deeply or practice many yoga poses. Even getting dressed or simply reaching to turn off a light can be painful.
Moodiness and intolerance abound all around me. I feel as though I am walking through a field of land mines. Emotional tension and physical pain leave me exhausted, confused and sad. After a rough winter, I was feeling better for a few weeks, but now I am in this stressful situation with no understanding of why. Even meditation has left me with a profound and deep sadness. Although my man and I have plans to be in Mount Dora for several days later this summer, I feel completely disconnected from my favorite town. I used to have very real visualizations of Mount Dora that included sounds, feelings and smells. Now when I conjure up an image of Mount Dora, it appears flat and lifeless like a photograph.
Even writing this feels strained. I thought about shutting down my Manifesting Mount Dora project, but I am holding on a little longer. I started this post a few days ago and am feeling a little better now. The Supreme Court decision on DOMA helped me feel as if some progress is being made - perhaps not in my personal life, but for Americans as a whole - although other Supreme Court decisions this session have been frustrating and backward-moving. The United States Congress and the State of Florida seem to be either not moving at all or consistently moving in reverse. As a people, Americans fight for justice and human rights and then we discover our own government is acting contrary to our deepest beliefs. So much feels fractured.
I also feel restless, like I am supposed to be doing something other than what I am doing and I don't know what that is. I search for signs and hints, but either there are none or I am failing to recognize them. So, I just go through each day doing what I always do and being grateful for my family, for the smiles and hugs and love from my grandchildren, for quiet time with my man, for my pets and my friends, for my home and neighborhood, for the work that keeps me busy and pays the bills, and for music and books.
Last month I thought the feeling was caused by the full moon phase of my astrological year. In other words, the period ruled by the astrological sign that is the exact opposite of mine. As a Scorpio, the Taurus period of April 20th through May 20th is my opposite sign, a time that can be challenging, resulting in upheaval, change, discord, and dissatisfaction. Even before knowing anything about astrology, I noticed that the April/May time of year was often hard for me. Astrology helped me to understand why. When this feeling of being fractured began in late April, I blamed the sign of Taurus and just waited patiently to enter the time of Gemini. But, Gemini has passed and I am feeling the same.
Back problems have plagued me for more than two months. Stabbing pain results from routine movements. Multiple chiropractor and massage therapist appointments have helped, but the pain, though less, persists. Even turning over in my sleep can cause an excruciating pain that wakes me up gasping to breathe. I can no longer scratch my back, stretch deeply or practice many yoga poses. Even getting dressed or simply reaching to turn off a light can be painful.
Moodiness and intolerance abound all around me. I feel as though I am walking through a field of land mines. Emotional tension and physical pain leave me exhausted, confused and sad. After a rough winter, I was feeling better for a few weeks, but now I am in this stressful situation with no understanding of why. Even meditation has left me with a profound and deep sadness. Although my man and I have plans to be in Mount Dora for several days later this summer, I feel completely disconnected from my favorite town. I used to have very real visualizations of Mount Dora that included sounds, feelings and smells. Now when I conjure up an image of Mount Dora, it appears flat and lifeless like a photograph.
Even writing this feels strained. I thought about shutting down my Manifesting Mount Dora project, but I am holding on a little longer. I started this post a few days ago and am feeling a little better now. The Supreme Court decision on DOMA helped me feel as if some progress is being made - perhaps not in my personal life, but for Americans as a whole - although other Supreme Court decisions this session have been frustrating and backward-moving. The United States Congress and the State of Florida seem to be either not moving at all or consistently moving in reverse. As a people, Americans fight for justice and human rights and then we discover our own government is acting contrary to our deepest beliefs. So much feels fractured.
I also feel restless, like I am supposed to be doing something other than what I am doing and I don't know what that is. I search for signs and hints, but either there are none or I am failing to recognize them. So, I just go through each day doing what I always do and being grateful for my family, for the smiles and hugs and love from my grandchildren, for quiet time with my man, for my pets and my friends, for my home and neighborhood, for the work that keeps me busy and pays the bills, and for music and books.
No comments:
Post a Comment