Fractured

I feel fractured.  The website www.freedictionary.com defines fractured as "The condition of having been broken or ruptured."  Yes, that is how I feel.  

Last month I thought the feeling was caused by the full moon phase of my astrological year.  In other words, the period ruled by the astrological sign that is the exact opposite of mine.  As a Scorpio, the Taurus period of April 20th through May 20th is my opposite sign, a time that can be challenging, resulting in upheaval, change, discord, and dissatisfaction.  Even before knowing anything about astrology, I noticed that the April/May time of year was often hard for me.  Astrology helped me to understand why.  When this feeling of being fractured began in late April, I blamed the sign of Taurus and just waited patiently to enter the time of Gemini.  But, Gemini has passed and I am feeling the same.  

Back problems have plagued me for more than two months.  Stabbing pain results from routine movements.  Multiple chiropractor and massage therapist appointments have helped, but the pain, though less, persists.  Even turning over in my sleep can cause an excruciating pain that wakes me up gasping to breathe.  I can no longer scratch my back, stretch deeply or practice many yoga poses.  Even getting dressed or simply reaching to turn off a light can be painful.  

Moodiness and intolerance abound all around me.  I feel as though I am walking through a field of land mines.  Emotional tension and physical pain leave me exhausted, confused and sad.  After a rough winter, I was feeling better for a few weeks, but now I am in this stressful situation with no understanding of why.  Even meditation has left me with a profound and deep sadness.  Although my man and I have plans to be in Mount Dora for several days later this summer, I feel completely disconnected from my favorite town.  I used to have very real visualizations of Mount Dora that included sounds, feelings and smells.  Now when I conjure up an image of Mount Dora, it appears flat and lifeless like a photograph.  

Even writing this feels strained.  I thought about shutting down my Manifesting Mount Dora project, but I am holding on a little longer.  I started this post a few days ago and am feeling a little better now.  The Supreme Court decision on DOMA helped me feel as if some progress is being made - perhaps not in my personal life, but for Americans as a whole - although other Supreme Court decisions this session have been frustrating and backward-moving.  The United States Congress and the State of Florida  seem to be either not moving at all or consistently moving in reverse.  As a people, Americans fight for justice and human rights and then we discover our own government is acting contrary to our deepest beliefs.  So much feels fractured.  

I also feel restless, like I am supposed to be doing something other than what I am doing and I don't know what that is.  I search for signs and hints, but either there are none or I am failing to recognize them.  So, I just go through each day doing what I always do and being grateful for my family, for the smiles and hugs and love from my grandchildren, for quiet time with my man, for my pets and my friends, for my home and neighborhood, for the  work that keeps me busy and pays the bills, and for music and books.   

Change in the Air

I have wanted to write for weeks now - longed to write - but there was no time.  I am still busy at work, more so than I usually am this time of year and I took on an extra one-time job that I thought would be quick and easy, but has evolved into something more complicated and time-consuming than I ever imagined.  I am watching my grandchildren even more than usual while my daughter is working some untypical hours for training at her job.  And, I have been sick, again, or still.  Bronchitis cleared up, allergies started, while allergies were still in full force, a cold commenced.  My energy and my time have been challenged on many levels.  I have longed for Mount Dora to the point that I dreamed about it one entire night this week.  Plans have been made to be there, but not soon enough for this weary woman.

I am feeling more optimistic - a little.  I need more hope and more time that is not filled with obligations.  I need to write more.  I need change.  I need to change.

It all starts with “me” needing to change.  I can hope for those around me to transform.  But, those are truly just wishes and I, or you, really have no power over others.   I can hope for life to take a turn for the better, but that will only happen if I make some effort or institute some changes to help that happen.

I have been thinking a great deal about changes I can make - maybe not big ones, but, at least, little ones.  Sometimes that is all it takes.  Not even changes that seem to relate to desired results, but just changes - small ones that change the energy in my environment.  It is amazing what a change in energy can do for your life.

I have neglected my gratitude journal - something I promised to do daily when I started this project.  My journal fell by the wayside when I was going through so much in December and January.  Overwhelment destroys gratitude.  One change I am making is to be more diligent about my gratitude journal - maybe not every day, but at least several times a week.

I was doing some guided meditations to help me sleep last year, but they became unnecessary when medications knocked me out every night during my various illnesses or when I was so exhausted that I nearly passed out as soon as I laid down.  To add meditation to my “change list”, I have signed up for Oprah’s & Deepak Choprah’s 21-Day Meditation Challenge.  Wish me luck!

The last few weekends I have set aside a few hours to work on my house (again) - straightening, cleaning, organizing, clearing.  My grandchildren are growing and need more room for themselves.  I have concentrated on creating that space for them, which means getting rid of unnecessary stuff that was filling our house.  The work is hard, especially when I am working a lot and still ill, but the results are satisfying.  The house and the energy within it are changing and change is what we need.

Change has to do with starting anew and although all of these activities are good,  they are not really changes - more like reinstatements.  All things I once did, then neglected to do and have now restarted.  What can I do that is truly new, truly different?  I am stumped, but still thinking about it.  It has to be something that does not require a regular schedule or too much time.

For some reason I get stuck - don’t we all?  Stagnant.  Dormant.  Sometimes those states of inertia are necessary.  Rather like a bear in hibernation.  Time out - down time.  A period of rest and healing.  My current stuck-ness does not feel much like rest or healing.   It is more of a busy stuck-ness - a moving-all-around-and-going-nowhere stuck-ness.  A time of too much, rather than too little.  But, it all boils down to the same thing:  either you are inert and going nowhere or you are running in circles and going nowhere.

I need changes that take me off the path of nowhere and on the road to somewhere.  

Just after writing the last sentence, I saw that an email had arrived that I was waiting for.  I put aside my blog writing and read the email.  Then, I saw my Daily Om message - www.dailyom.com - which I had net yet read.  I read the message called Defense Mechanisms and have set it aside as a topic I may want to cover in a future blog post.  Then, my eye caught the list of online classes offered my Daily Om - a list that is always at the end of each daily message, but which I had not noticed or read in a very long time.  One of the classes listed was “The Best Year of Your Life” presented by Debbie Ford.  I was intrigued and clicked on the link.  The class is one lesson for 52 weeks and I signed up for it.  Now that is a truly new change.

Life is a Labyrinth

Nearly every month my man and I attend a crystal bowl concert/meditation at a local church.  Crystal bowls, also called singing bowls, are bowls of various sizes, but all larger than a typical dinner bowl, made of quartz crystal.  The quartz crystal is extremely resonant, producing lovely, harmonic sounds that you not only hear, but feel throughout your body.  The size and shape of a bowl determines its pitch.  Most bowls sit on the floor or on stands, but some are handheld, allowing the bowl musician to move around a room bringing the intense sounds close to those in attendance.  Crystal bowl concerts are performed for meditation purposes, to ease stress and to balance chakras.  Being present at a crystal bowl concert is a phenomenal experience.  The sounds are simultaneously soothing and vibrant.



At the concerts we attend, people choose to sit in the church seats or ample space is provided for people to lay down, often on yoga mats or blankets where they can rest, meditate and even sleep.  We both leave the monthly concerts feeling calm, centered and relaxed.  Once or twice a year, the church also has a labyrinth set up in the sanctuary.  The labyrinth is used as a walking meditation in conjunction with the crystal bowl concert.  Tonight’s concert included the labyrinth.

A labyrinth is an intricate design of paths that often flow in a circular pattern eventually leading to a center spot, much like a maze.  A walking meditation labyrinth may be a mat made of some sort of fabric that is placed on a large floor, such as a church sanctuary, or it can be a temporary design made of sand or stones in a courtyard.  People follow the paths of the labyrinth, while meditating or praying, until reaching the center where the participants often kneel or stand silently in prayer or meditation.  Sometimes the participants will follow the path from the center back out to the beginning of the labyrinth.  Tonight, as I followed the path of the labyrinth, I contemplated how those circular paths were so much like life.



I prefer linear paths.  Point A leads to Point B in a nice straight line, no detours, no curves, no surprises.  But, life is not linear.  From time to time, we may feel as if we are moving on a straight line, but rarely does that experience last for long.  Life has a way of taking our straight lines and making them elaborate circles, twisting and turning and coming back around as if starting at the beginning again.  Life is a labyrinth.

As I was walking the circular paths tonight, I noticed that a man who started the labyrinth several minutes ahead of me was often walking on a path just inches from my side and the woman who started the walking meditation just seconds in front of me was often on the other side of the labyrinth, as if she had begun long before me or long after me.  Isn't that the way our lives are?  We start off with people, like a sibling, a friend, a partner or spouse, a classmate or a fellow worker, just a little ahead of us or just slightly behind, but as we travel our paths we appear to go in different directions even when traveling the same route.  We are sometimes side-by-side and sometimes distances apart.  At times we may appear to be on a completely different road and other times we nearly bump into each other along our travels.

I noticed that some of the people walking the labyrinth took small, slow steps, while others walked a little faster.  Some paused often to contemplate, while others never stopped until reaching the center.  In life, I've noticed the same.  I started off on the same path as others in my life, but some us often took lengthy pauses and others seemed to rarely pause for more than a moment. Some moved forward slowly, while others reached their goals more quickly.  Some walk softly, some with more determination and some nearly danced.

But, no matter who walks the labyrinth or the journey of life, we each have a circular path.  No one’s journey is a straight line for very long.  Life takes curves.  We are moving straight ahead toward a goal and then there is a curve - one we may have seen coming or one that  takes us by surprise.  The curve turns us back around until we feel like we are starting over, though we never are because we are always moving forward.  Maybe you experience a curve on your path to a career or an educational goal and you find yourself pausing to have a family, to care for someone in need, to grieve a loss, to deal with an illness or a problem, or just to relax, rejuvenate and regroup.  Eventually, you will get around the curve and start in a straight line again, although the goal you are seeking may have changed during the pause.

Life is fits and starts and slow downs and forward races.  It is steady ahead and watch out around the curve.  It is this way, then that way and then back around again.  But, no matter what, life is always forward motion, even when it feels like its not.

Tonight, I noticed that I often appeared to be further from the center of the labyrinth when I was actually nearest and I sometimes was right by the center, just inches away, but I actually had a long way to go on the path until I would truly reach the center.  Life, too, can trick us with illusions.  Our goal may seem terribly far away when the distance to get there is really short or our goal may seem right there, just in front, inches from our noses when, in actuality, our journey has just begun.

This weekend, Mount Dora felt very far away.  I felt like I may never reach my goal of living there and, truthfully, I may not.  I have no idea where my feet are on that journey.  Maybe I am close or maybe not.  Maybe I will reach that goal of living in Mount Dora or maybe I will head around a curve, slow down and realize I was never actually headed there in the first place.  Maybe Mount Dora with be along my path, but I doubt if it will be the final destination of my path.  I will keep circling around, sometimes, moving slow, sometimes speeding up.  I will take the turns and the pauses and sometimes feel like forward motion has stopped.  Then, I will hit a long, straight stretch and the wind will blow through my hair as I race forward feeling triumphant in my progress.  But, no matter how or where I travel, whether the road is straight or curvy, whether my feet are plodding slowly, dancing lightly or racing with the wind at my back, I will make my journey, as you will also, one step at a time, just one step at a time.  

Living Life As It Is

Last week, at this time, my man and I were in Mount Dora.  So was Tropical Storm Isaac.  That seems to be the theme of the summer, we escape for rest and relaxation and are accompanied by a tropical storm.  It happened in May with Tropical Storm Beryl, in June with Debby and last week with Isaac.  Fortunately, we stayed safe and still had a good time and our home and family, who also were in the path of the three storms, suffered no ill effects of the unpredictable weather.  


Being in Mount Dora, as always, was restorative.  Much rest, walks in the rain or between the rains, lots of reading, some writing, naps, visits with people we have come to know in our favorite town and the pleasure of meeting other residents, and many good meals.  Good times can be had even in threatening weather.  We discovered a book store called Barrel of Books and Games where I purchased some gifts for my grandchildren and several books, including a three-book series of novels that take place in Mount Dora called the Fairlawn Series by Angela Hunt.  Last night, having completed a wonderful novel about people and dogs living near Central Park in Manhattan (another of my favorite places) called “The New Yorkers”, I started the first in the Fairlawn series, “Doesn’t She Look Natural?”  I am enjoying the story very much in spite of the slight “Christian” side-theme, which is present but not preachy.  The story is not unusual: husband has mid-life crisis leaving his wife and two sons for their nanny, who is, of course, a fraction of his age.  Mom is left struggling financially, forced to sell their home and move in with her retired mother, searching for a job in Washington, D.C. while hindered by her powerful husband’s influence there, and trying to remain hopeful about the future as she assumes almost full responsibility for raising their two sons.  I have just reached the part when Mount Dora enters the picture.  Mom inherits, from an barely-known great-uncle, a funeral home in Mount Dora and will end up moving her children there to assume management of a business about which she knows nothing.  I am looking forward to seeing how Mount Dora is portrayed in the book - favorably, I am sure, since the book is sold and promoted in the town!  I like the idea of the unknown business challenge and am interested in seeing how mom and boys adjust to their new lives in Mount Dora, so far-removed and so immensely different than their lifestyle and  experiences in the D.C. area.

My Labor Day weekend plans to finish painting the table and chairs I purchased for my grandchildren back in July were pushed aside when my client, who has closed his business but still needs me to work for him until the end of the year, decided that he does not want to keep his office available as a place for me to work and asked me to transfer his bookkeeping records, computer and printer and some office supplies to my house.  Since my house is overflowing with three adults and two children living here full-time and two other family members staying for weeks at a time several times a year, it was a challenge to make room for more stuff.  But, because he was not only a good client but also a friend, I did my best to accommodate his wishes.  More rearranging, more organizing, but I think I made it work.  Waiting now for my computer-expert friend to come by and tweak what I started, but I am confident we can make the situation satisfactory.  

On Thursday, I leave for a women-only retreat called Expanding Past The Fear at an ocean resort in the Florida Panhandle.  I am excited to be part of this event.  Not only will it involve lots of self-care, but we will work through our fears - fears that may be holding us back from who we should be and what we should be doing.  I believe that we are all a work-in-progress and anything we can do to improve who we are and where we are furthers us on our path to prosperity and personal fulfillment.  I am so grateful for the opportunity to be part of this retreat!

Life continues even when you have a manifestation project.  You cannot stop living, nor should you, to concentrate on what you want to create in the future.  I know people who put their current lives on hold to while away the hours dreaming of what they want the future to hold.  Life is about energy and energy is about action.  Action is in the present, the now.  Work must be done, bills paid, food prepared, lawns mowed, clothes washed, children hugged, school lessons learned, floors swept, bodies showered, books read.  Our actions must naturally revolve around what creates and maintains the life we are living right now, but we also should carve out time for what we want to manifest.  Just a little time.  Some meditation, some visualization every day.  Some journaling is good and for me, blogging.  For whatever it is you want to manifest, set aside a little time everyday, even if no more than fifteen minutes, to keep your dream alive and fresh.  Embrace and participate in the life you have now, even if your desire is to create a new, different life.  Appreciate what you have now to energize what you want in the future.

Sharing The Energy

I am energetic and excited about my Manifesting Mount Dora project.  I love writing this blog about it.  I love thinking about Mount Dora, visiting there regularly and visualizing our home and life there.  Some days my enthusiasm is higher than others and, although I can usually conjure up at least some positive thoughts about my manifesting enterprise, little help is welcome.  In answer to my desire for help, The Universe provided a class. 

About two or three weeks ago, I was nearly finished reading a book called "Creating Money: Attracting Abundance" by Sanaya Roman and Duane Packer - a book I had hesitated reading because of the title - I feared it would be overly materialistic, but that was not the case at all.  In fact, the book looks evenly at abundance from all aspects, not just the money angle.  At the end of each chapter there are exercises called "playbooks", but I had skipped those intending to come back to them later.  To my surprise, as I neared the end of the book, I received a Facebook message from Mary Madeline Day inviting me to a class on that same book.  Her class would run for 12 weeks on Tuesdays.  Tuesdays are not good for me and I emailed her my regrets about not being able to attend.  Since I was the first person to show an interest in the class, she offered to move it to whatever night worked for me.  Not only did I get a great class to help bolster my manifesting enthusiasm, but I was given the opportunity to choose the day of the week for the class! 

Our first class had 13 people in attendance, including Madeline.  Many had not known about the class or decided to attend until late that afternoon and I believe I was the only person, other than Madeline, who had previously read the book.  In fact, most did not even have a copy of the book.  The bulk of our time was spent getting to know one another and sharing why we were there and what we wanted to gain from the class, ending with a meditation.  We had another session last night and I thoroughly enjoyed the entire experience, especially the sharing of experiences and insights.  A standout inspiration for me was when one of my classmates shared that he had been trying to manifest a new mate and he always imagined the needs and desires that she would fulfill for him, seeing himself as the magnet attracting her. During a recent visualization practice, he was inspired to start thinking of her as trying to manifest him and what needs and desires he could answer in her life.  Changing his imagery to include her as a manifestor increased the power he felt when he was doing his visualization.  What a wonderful idea to think not only of me as manifesting something, but also think of that thing or person as manifesting me.  I can imagine a house in Mount Dora waiting for my family and me to fill its emptiness with laughter and love. Since everything is energy, it is easy to imagine even inanimate objects as sending out magnetic rays to attract you at the same time you are engaged in attraction practices on your end.  I loved this idea and am now practicing it regularly. 

This week I managed to manifest a painting into my life.  I took advantage of my grandchildren being gone for two weeks to redecorate my living room and dining room.  I have worked hard on this project which is why I have not been blogging as much.  I am determined to get everything completed before they arrive home on Sunday.  After my mom passed away, I inherited a framed magazine cover that shows a photo of her and another bicycle racer (she was one of the first female bicycle racers).  The frame is of a rather old-fashioned gold style that matches nothing I have, but I was afraid that the magazine cover would disintegrate if I tried to reframe it.  I decided to place it on a wall in my dining room, but it there was too much space around it.  Something else needed to be added, but I had nothing that matched the gold frame.  I shopped and shopped looking for a gold frame that I could use for some other photo I had on hand or a piece of artwork with a gold frame that would be complimentary, but I found nothing.  Soon I fell into the time-is-running-out-I-have-to-get-this-done-NOW mindset, which inevitably leads to poor choices and wasted money.  Time to chill.  So what if I don't finish that one wall before the children return?  Its okay.  So, I let it be, just staring at it from time to time, imagining what might look good there.  Fast forward a few days.  One of my clients is in the process of closing his business and out of the blue he offered to give me one of the paintings in his office.  I never told him this, but for the past 14 years working there I have admired and lusted for that painting.  And, conveniently, it is in a gold frame and is the right size to compliment my mom's photo!  To make it even better, the painting is called "The Grandmother of God" - somehow that seems a fitting name for a piece of artwork to hang next to my deceased mom's photo.  All that time I spent staring at the empty wall space and imagining what would look nice there led to the manifesting of not only a painting that is fitting, but a painting that I have long admired and wished to own.  I think that is really, really cool.

So, if I can manifest a painting, I have no doubt that I can manifest my new life and home in Mount Dora.  And, I will be doing just that as I go to Mount Dora later this month and walk around the town imagining myself living there, when I identify the house that I know is trying to manifest me as its owner and as I trust that all our acquaintances in Mount Dora are wishing to manifest me as their neighbor.  

6/13/12 Hosting The Angels

A few weeks ago, I attended a class that my yoga instructor was teaching about angels. My previous experiences with organized religions left me reluctant to accept belief in any of the entities that crossover between the teachings of Christian denominations and some of the other spiritual beliefs and practices that I am learning.  I honestly don't know if angels exist, but I want them to and I like the idea of angelic beings who provide spiritual guidance. Since the idea of angels has sparked an interest to know more, I joined the Angel Chatter group on Facebook a few months ago and have been reading about angels.  In the class I learned different theories and ideas about angels and about what purposes they have.  Other class attendees shared interesting stories about angelic interactions in their lives and I left feeling that I lean more to them existing than not. I also left the class agreeing to "Host the Angels" in my home.

Hosting the angels is a spiritual practice that my yoga instructor learned from her friends in New York.  Someone who is currently hosting the angels passes them on to three other people (Sounds a little like those old chain letters, doesn't it?).  The angels reside with each person/family for 5 days and are then passed on to three more people.  They travel and rest for five days and then arrive at the homes of their new hosts.  To host the angels you write down three wishes and put the paper in a sealed envelope, you find three more people who are willing to host the angels after you and write their names and addresses on another sheet of paper and place it in an envelope, and you prepare an altar consisting of the two envelopes, a white candle, an apple and a white flower, bouquet of white flowers or live plant with white flowers. The angels arrive at 10:30 PM on the designated day, which is five days after they left the last host, and you greet them by opening your door and reading a welcoming statement.  They reside with you for five days and leave at 10:30 PM on the last day.  There is a small good-bye ceremony that consists of opening your door, thanking them for visiting and for granting your three wishes (this is done with the belief that the wishes will be granted), reading the names of the next three hosts, then burning your envelopes and eating the apple.  

I have no idea how this hosting practice started or why.  A Google search revealed that there are various angel hosting traditions that vary in the number of days the angels stay and what, if anything, needs to be done to welcome them or to prepare an altar.  Some of the other hosting practices sound easier with little or nothing to be done or to prepare, but I like the idea of the altar and the preparation and ceremony involved - maybe that is my old Catholic upbringing, but there is something soothing, grounding and peaceful about a spiritual practice whether it is preparing an altar, meditating, chanting, or any other such ceremony.  Others had more specific and detailed instructions, such as what types of wishes you can request (one for Mother Earth, one personal and one for your family), how to write and word your wishes, when and how long to burn the white candle and one even said that your house must be clean and tidy.  I like that the hosting I did had some instruction and ceremony, but not too much, allowing for some personal expression and not making the process too rigid or complicated.  One angel hosting I read about named specific angels who come to visit:  Archangels Michael, Gabriel, Raphael, Uriel and Metatron. I don't know who visits but any angel is welcome!  

I enjoyed my experience of hosting the angels. Each morning I lit the candle and sounded my Tibetan Singing Bowl, a personal touch I added, and wrote in my journal.  The candle stayed lit during the day as long as it was safe to do so and someone was around to watch it (the candle can be replaced with an electrical or battery-powered white light if you prefer).  This version of the hosting ceremony does not require any daily practice other than using the candle or light, but adding some of your own favorite practices makes the experience more personal.  If you pray, chant, journal or meditate, doing so near the altar seems to intensify the practice.  I truly felt my home was more peaceful during the five days I hosted the angels and when I passed them on to the next three people, I felt a little sad as if a good friend had come to visit and then left.  

Most people are interested in hosting the angels for the benefit of the three wishes.  My yoga teacher said one of her three wishes was granted soon after the angels left her home. One of my wishes was very specific and I asked that it be granted by a certain date. Until asking for the angels' assistance, I had no hope that this wish would come to pass at all and certainly not by that date.  Two days after the angels' departure what I wanted came to pass.  Did the angels grant it or would the same thing have happened if I had not hosted the angels?  Who knows?  Now, I wait patiently for my other two wishes - one of which was not time limited and which I think is slowly being realized and the other which has a time limit several months in the future and which has not been granted as of yet.  

My partner, who is a skeptic at heart and veers away from anything very spiritual in nature, also felt a difference while I was hosting the angels and liked the atmosphere in our home during those five days.  He ended up hosting the angels himself and now I am hosting them for a second time.  

All of this might be hokey hogwash.  Anything I felt or thought I felt might have been my imagination.  The wish that came true may have come true anyway.  I cannot say that any of those statements are untrue and I really don't care.  I ENJOYED the practice.  I FEEL better for having hosted the angels. That's all I need and all I want. After all, do any of us truly KNOW what is out there in the Universe?  Do any of us truly understand why or how we and this world came into existence?  We may BELIEVE many things or nothing, but what do we KNOW, truly KNOW?  I know what I feel, what I experience.  I cannot confirm or deny what you feel and experience and you cannot deny my feelings or experiences.  This life we each live is personal and we relate to one another through our personal experiences and understandings. 

One of my wishes, as you may have guessed, was about manifesting my retirement and my new home in Mount Dora.  I believe that manifestation is my responsibility, but I will accept the help of any angels who want to assist me!  Let's see what happens. . . 

5/19/12 My Week of Self-Care

I have not written in seven days and greatly missed my blog time, but knew I needed to chill and take care of myself.  Some of April and all of May were tumultuous and my body was feeling the strain - sleep was hit-and-miss, my upper back and neck were tight with pain, nearly every part of my body was achy and uncomfortable and exhaustion was my state of being. 

In an effort to feel less stressed, more balanced and rested, I treated myself to a Reiki session with Shenna Benarte Tuesday evening and a massage with Gina Englert Thursday evening.  Gina and I also had a lovely girls’ night out after my massage and dined at Café Colette in the Wild Iris Bookstore, eating wild mushrooms and tropical salads.  We even, unexpectedly, ran into each other the next day and enjoyed lunching together at Tempo Bistro to Go, where my man and I had eaten a delicious meal on Wednesday evening.  This morning, he and I had a scrumptious breakfast at Sisters in the Haile Village and bought many luscious veggies and fruits and a bag of intensely strong coffee at the Haile Farmer’s Market.  My diet is often not the best.  Even though vegetarian, I don’t always make the healthiest food choices and often eat on-the-go or while doing something else.  But, this week I ate several tasty, healthy, mindful meals filled with fresh, local and often organic ingredients and my body feels grateful.

I made some purchases that also helped with my week of self-care.  One was a Tibetan Singing Bowl.  The bowl became my possession through synchronicity.  At the 2011 Gainesville Fall Art Festival, there was a Tibetan Singing Bowl at a booth.  I had wanted one for a long time, but most of my cash was gone and to buy the bowl I needed to go to an ATM, etc.  Feeling tired and not wanting to be bothered at the time, I passed up the opportunity to buy the bowl.  Several times since then, I have regretted not buying it and even thought recently about how helpful the bowl might have been during the past weeks of stress.  This morning, the same woman had a booth at the Haile Farmer’s Market and she again had one Tibetan Singing Bowl.  I did not even notice her or her booth, but my man did.  Once I realized who she was, my eyes searched her booth for a Singing Bowl, but sadly did not find one.  When she recalled who we were and that I was interested in a Singing Bowl at the art festival, she pulled several items out of a bowl on her table.  The bowl had been hidden by the items it held, so I did not notice it was a Tibetan Singing Bowl.  Again, my cash was mostly gone, but this time I made the effort to find an ATM and brought home my lovely Tibetan Singing Bowl.  When I finally get to my mom’s house and bring home the items she bequeathed me, one will be a small, round marble-top table that she knew I always admired.  My Tibetan Singing Bowl will live happily and beautfully in the center of that table.   

Another self-care purchase was a book called “Living Peace” by John Dear, which caught my eye when I was in a large, national bookstore in search of another publication that the local booksellers did not have (the big-box bookstore also did not have it).  I put the book back on the shelf after perusing it because the writing seemed too “religious” to me.  The author is a Jesuit priest and the book relies heavily on biblical references that triggered my old “don’t mention God and the Bible to me” reaction.  Sometimes I forget that I have evolved to the point of accepting and appreciating various spiritual paths and I fall back into patterns of exclusion.  I continued walking around the store, but was drawn back to the book time and again until I finally shook off my old thinking and purchased it.  The book is inspiring, simply and beautifully written and has helped me focus on peace in my life. 

The third self-care purchase was a CD - “Stress Reduction & Creative Meditations” by Marc Allen.  I believe in meditation and I try to practice it, but have limited success.  The most I can accomplish is short, simple meditations.  I have more luck with guided meditations and possess several CDs using various methods of guided meditations.  Some did not work at all for me and some were, at times, partially successful, but none led me to a state of true relaxation.  As the book had, this CD caught my eye.  I was determined to just walk by and not spend more money on another meditation CD that would not help me when I saw the words “With an Introduction by Shakti Gawain”.  Shakti Gawain wrote my favorite book on manifesting, “Creative Visualization”, which I wrote about in my last post.  If she was willing to record an introduction to that meditation CD, I was willing to give it a try.  I often suffer from insomnia - have difficulty getting to sleep or wake up and am unable to return to sleep.  I am not proud to say that I often rely on three (yes, three!) Advil PM tablets to help me get some much-needed rest.  My insomnia comes and goes, but has been relentless during the last few stressful weeks.  I used the CD Wednesday night and was amazed - no, shocked - at how relaxed I became.  Within seconds of the last sound on the recording, I was asleep.  I used it again last night with the same result.  Not only does it help me relax enough to fall asleep, I sleep soundly and wake up early feeling refreshed. 

My week is coming to a close and I can honestly say I feel like a different person than I did seven days ago.  My body feels like my friend, rather than my enemy.  I am relatively and suprisingly relaxed.  I feel optimistic, happy and even peaceful.  I am once again able to visualize, and Manifesting Mount Dora feels not only doable, but imminent. 

5/12/12 Peaceful Visualization

I’ve been spending the last week searching for peace - peace in my home, peace in my relationships and peace with the passing of my mother.  After two weeks of turmoil, life has settled down considerably, but peace continues to feel elusive.  This experience has helped me to realize how terribly important peace is to manifesting and visualizing.  When dodging emotional land mines, the meditative state that is best for visualization is difficult to access.  In fact, rest and even sleep are hard to come by.

The kind of peace that is needed is not PEACE as in world peace or even a complete lack of conflict in one’s personal life (although, both of those would be wonderful).  This peace is time free from physical, emotional and mental disturbances.  Even just a few minutes a couple of times a day may be enough.  Although I was able to get some quiet time (no noise), my mind and emotions were still very loud with their unsettlement.  I believe much of the agitation was rooted in a bone-weary tiredness from nights of restless sleep and days of unbalance.  Even as my life has calmed in the last five days, the remnants of disquietude lingered.  Today is better, but there is still healing to be done.  I remind myself that it is all a process and I must take one step at a time, allowing myself time to absorb, adjust and regroup. 

No one can overestimate the importance of personal peace.  You may run all day long with work, family and other obligations, tackling big and small problems, but if you can carve out a few moments of physical quiet, even if just before you fall asleep, and if you can access mental and emotional balance, you can reach a meditative-like state that is chatterless and ripe for visualization and manifestation. 

If I could recommend only one book for those who want to learn more about manifesting, it would be “Creative Visualization” by Shakti Gawain.  I don’t know of  another author who so clearly and precisely explains and describes the practice of using “the power of your imagination to create what you want in life” (quoted from “Creative Visualization” by Shakti Gawain).  Her original book was written in 1978 and was a word-of-mouth success because she so easily presents what some may find to be difficult-to-understand concepts.  She recommends doing visualizations two or three times a day - the most important times being when first awaking and just before sleeping as those are the times when our minds tend to be less busy.

Gawain recommends complete relaxation to perform a visualization.  Deep relaxation allows your brain waves to slow down, thereby becoming more receptive to any introduced thoughts or images.   Breathing very deeply and slowly may help if you have difficulty calming your mind.  When you feel comfortable, peaceful and receptive, think about what you want to create.  Imagine it in detail.  If you have difficulty producing an actual mental picture (some people are more visual than others), think of it in detailed words that describe exactly what you wish to attract, and you may even write down the words,  or use a vision board and gaze intently at photos or drawings or any other sort of representations of your desire.  Always think of your desire in the present tense.  Try to imagine yourself doing or being or having whatever it is you want.  Place yourself in the scene or in the situation.  Since I want to manifest a home in Mount Dora, I see myself walking the streets or sitting at Gilbert Park or living in a home there.  My images are detailed and I can feel and smell and even taste what living in Mount Dora would be like.  Maybe you want to manifest running a 10K race.  See yourself running the race, imagine the other racers around you and the sights that go by as you run, hear the sounds of athletic shoes hitting the pavement, smell the sweat, feel the sun on your shoulders and perspiration trickling down your neck .  Make it as real as possible.  Be part of the image.  Feel it.  Taste it.  Smell it.  Hear it.

If thoughts of disbelief or fear creep in, acknowledge them and go back to your visualization.  Trying to force away negative thoughts tends to strengthen them.  Just allow them to come and go and perhaps say “thank you” for the warning because our negative thoughts really are warnings - sometimes unnecessary, often unwanted and occasionally obsessive, but warnings nonetheless.  So, thank your mind for the warning and let the negative thought float away.  Using an affirmation to reverse the disallowing thought often helps.  In my case, if I am thinking about Mount Dora and a thought comes into my mind that I cannot afford to move there at this point in my life, I say to myself, “The Universe is providing exactly what I need when I need it to create my new home in Mount Dora.”  If affirmations do not come easily to you or if you have never even tried using affirmations, “Creative Visualizations” has several that you can use for most situations.  Also, Louise Hay, author of many inspirational books, has created hundreds of affirmations for almost any imaginable situation or illness.  Even if you have no negative thoughts, affirmations are still an important part of visualizations and Gawain recommends using them regularly in your daily practice.  Affirmations should be short in length, stated in the present tense and composed of positive words.  Say “I am getting healthier with every moment that passes”, rather than “I don’t want to be sick anymore.”  The first statement is positive and in the present, the second is negative and in the future. 

Although early morning and pre-sleep are two of the best times to visualize, any time that you can relax deeply will work.  And, even when you are not able to take a break and relax, Gawain recommends taking a few moments during your day to access what you visualized that morning or the night before.  With practice, just bringing an image of your desire into your mind, even for a few seconds, will be an automatic trigger for your body and your mind to relax.  

One of my favorite recommendations in “Creative Visualization” is to end each practice with the words “This, or something better, now manifests for me in totally satisfying and harmonious ways, for the highest good of all concerned.”  So, what does that mean?  First, always leave your intent open for something better.  Our imaginations are often limited by past experiences and fears.  You may only be able to see yourself finishing that 10K race, but the Universe/God/Source sees you winning the race.  Always leave a door open for something more than you can imagine.  Also, because we may sometimes desire something that is not completely the best for us, asking that it be “totally satisfying and harmonious” allows some wiggle room for our own inability to see all sides of what we want.  And, finally, because what we wish for will inevitably affect others, we request that it should manifest in a way that is “for the highest good of all concerned”. 

Remember that you cannot manifest negative desires and you cannot manifest for someone else.  Manifesting is a spiritual practice, so your desires should be positive in nature and be seen as manifesting in positive ways.  You may be visualizing winning that 10K race but if you fear your chances are slim because of a better runner in the race, you cannot visualize your competitor leaving the race with a sprained ankle, allowing you to be the victor.  Simply imagine yourself running and winning the race and let the Universe figure out how to make that happen.  And, if you close out your visualizations with the statement above, you leave the door open for winning the race in record-setting time - something you may not have thought possible!  And, although we share our lives with others, we cannot manifest on someone else’s  behalf nor can we use them to manifest for ourselves.  For example, you may want to have more money, but you cannot successfully manifest a new job for your spouse unless your spouse also wants to manifest that job. 

Although the man in my life wants to live in Mount Dora and was completely supportive of my manifesting project, he was not actively participating.  I knew that his lack of participation was affecting me because I always imagine us both there and I cannot manifest for him.  Fortunately, he is now a willing and active participant in Manifesting Mount Dora and that, along with a little rest, will energize me to rev up my manifesting for the upcoming week. 

4/15/12 Getting Help

Mark Twain is attributed with this famous saying:  “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.”

Basically, if you want your life to change, if you want something different or something more than you have, you need to change what you do.  Easier said than done.  We are creatures of habit and products of our environment.  We tend to follow in the foot steps of those who preceded us - usually, our parents.  My father possessed an explosive temper and in my late teens, my nickname was “Time Bomb”.  Let me get angry and someone could say “tick, tick, tick” and I would explode right on time.  My supervisor at my job when I was 19 was lobbying for me to be promoted, but he warned me that my temper was well-known and could sabotage my chances.  I considered my temper and its origins and realized I was becoming my father, at least in that aspect.  I made a conscious decision that day to hold my temper in check.  Now, anyone who knows me cannot imagine that I once displayed a nearly out-of-control temper.  Did I get the promotion?  No, but that was due to an economic decline that led to the elimination of the job.  I missed the promotion, but changed my personality. 

Sometimes we can make conscious decisions to change and we follow through successfully, sometimes we try and try and still do not succeed, sometimes we don’t even know how to initiate a change and sometimes we don’t even realize we need to change. 

First, each of us needs to be aware of who we are and how we appear to others.  We need to take inventory of our problems and decide if those issues can be corrected by changing what we do and how we behave.  If you lack friends or long-term friendships, maybe your behavior turns off people, perhaps you come across as cold and unfriendly or maybe you have a reputation for being unreliable or a gossip.  If you always struggle financially, perhaps your spending habits need to be fine-tuned or you may have a mentality of lack, always thinking of what you don’t have or what you think you can’t have.  If we are honest with ourselves, each of us can find some area of our lives that can stand improvement. 

Second, once you identify an aspect of your behavior or an area of your life that needs improvement, determine if you know how to make constructed changes that will move you in a new and better direction.  Do you already possess the knowledge and the skills to curb your temper, increase your reliability, stop a bad habit like gossiping, learn to be a better listener, handle your finances with care or change your outlook?  Whatever your identified issue or issues, figure out if you can create a plan for improvement and put it in motion to make the changes you desire.  If you can, great, get started!  If you can’t, start searching for the information and help you need.

There are scores of life coaches, therapists, books, DVD’s, CD’s, audio downloads and websites that can educate you on how to make positive changes in your life.  There are hundreds of different lessons and practices you can try - affirmations, visualizations, journaling, EFT, hypnotherapy, psychotherapy, meditation, life coaching, support groups, yoga, etc.  Each modality, each approach has something to offer and some work better for some people than for others.  Try them out.  Find one or two or three that work well with your mind set, your personality and your lifestyle.  Whatever you choose must become part of your life, a regular practice.  If you try one approach and see only minor or no results, try another.  Just as all medicines do not work well for all people, neither do these types of “therapies”.  Keep looking until you find one or more that gives you the results you want, but be sure you allow enough time to evaluate a new practice.  Give it a chance to work for you before you give up on it and try something new.  In our lightening fast world, we want instant gratification and results, but changing how we think or behave is not always a fast or easy process.  Even if you are only noticing small improvements, they can mount up to a life-changing shift. 

 About six years ago, I attended my first chord cutting ceremony - a practice based on Native American and Eastern ceremonies to facilitate the breaking of our ties with unhealthy, unneeded or limiting parts of our lives and relationships - present or past.  I went because a friend attended the month before and noticed immediate and profound changes in her life.  After my first ceremony, I could not identify even the slightest change in my life, but I went back month after month and am still going several times a year.  Slowly I noticed changes.  Unlike my friend, these transformations were gradual and more subtle.  But, since I did see changes no matter how small and since the ceremonies usually left me with a feeling of peace that last for several hours and sometimes a few days, I continued participating.  Looking back, I realized that rapid changes would have been bad for me.  My life had already gone through several major upheavals and although the end results were positive, I needed some downtime to assimilate what I’d already experienced.  I desired more changes, but too much, too fast would have been overwhelming and counter-productive.  My changes came slow and steady, just as I needed.  After each ceremony, participants can discuss what they experienced and I often heard of visions, intense feelings, out-of-body type sensations, unusual sounds and the like.  It was a long time before I began experiencing anything stronger than a sense of floating.  But, again, I believe the sensations came to me as I was able to accept and appreciate them. 

Friday night, I was at a chord cutting and had the most profound emotional experience yet.  An amazing feeling of happiness and gratitude swept over me, is still hanging around and I am sure it has something to do with my Manifesting Mount Dora project.  Last week, my man and I were in Mount Dora during a weather pattern of gusty winds - some 30 to 40 miles per hour.  We sat at the end of Grantham Point Park (also known as Lighthouse Park) watching birds soar and dip in the high winds, just enjoying their ability to ride the winds as a child would a roller coaster.  During the chord cutting, with eyes closed, I felt like one of those birds - I was  undulating on the winds, feeling joyful and childlike.  Below me, I saw water (Lake Dora?) and thick canopies of trees.  Suddenly, in mid-air, a young racoon appeared before me.  He was identical to the young racoon we’d come across last week on the shores of Mount Dora.  He just floated before my face, looking impish and gleeful.  Wherever I flew, he stayed bobbing in front of me, sometimes chattering and always consumed with childlike happiness.  Those at the ceremony said I was swaying and smiling as they’d never seen me before.  Later, during our final mediation when I was reclining on my back on the floor, the racoon appeared again; this time sitting on my chest with his smiling face just above mine.  I left the ceremony feeling airy, hopeful, and intensely happy.  All weekend, even during some stressful or annoying moments, I was able to access that same feeling of joy. 

Had I immediately given up after my first chord cutting with its less than notable results, I would never have had the experiences and sensations that have gradually come to me.  I am so grateful for my introduction to chord cutting ceremonies and I unerringly know that I am a better and a freer person for all the ceremonies I’ve attended.  I made a choice to do something different so I would get something different than I’d always got, to paraphrase Mr. Twain. 

Color outside the lines - step beyond the boundaries, real or imagined, that fence in your life - fly a little - run instead of walk - skip when no one is looking and then when everyone is looking - swirl the water around you and disperse the stagnation - feel the breeze on your face - just do something different and see what becomes of it.  You may be surprised.