When I started this blog, I promised myself I would be honest about what was happening in my life and how I was feeling - the good and the bad. It hasn't been easy. Being so open in a public forum is often difficult. And, today, it is especially challenging.
I am really down. I feel like manifesting Mount Dora or anything else is a joke, a waste of time, a pipe dream. Saying that is so hard for me, but that is exactly how I feel. I feel old and tired and there is just no energy left in me to do any more than the day-to-day activities that are necessary.
When I was in Mount Dora last weekend, I felt disconnected from life there. Usually, as I enter Mount Dora, I feel as though I am arriving home, but not last week. No longer could I see myself living there or doing anything other than what I do week-in-and-week-out in my present life, in my present location.
Over the last week I have thought about other big dreams I've had that never came to fruition. Some I had before I knew about the Law of Attraction, but I know I was using many of the same manifesting processes as just part of the normal activities of hoping and dreaming. Later, I consciously applied the Law of Attraction to other dreams, although not to the extent I am now. As I look back on those dreams - and I am talking about big ones - none of them came true. As I have often said before, maybe those dreams were not the best for me and maybe I am better off that they were not manifested, but, as often as I have believed that, now I am not sure. And, if that is true, who is to say that my dream of manifesting Mount Dora is not the same and that the result will not be the same? How long do I keep trying before I give up? How much more energy to I waste on something that may never come to pass?
I have also been struggling with memories of a former friend who died of cancer last month. When I first met her she was studying to be a Law of Attraction facilitator under the tutelage of Jack Canfield and others. She attended seminars and workshops and eventually received her certification. She then had seminars and workshops of her own - some that I attended. She also offered private sessions. She joined networking groups around town to promote her business, but still she struggled and was eventually forced to give up the office she was renting. Almost every day I drive past a building that she dreamed of owning as her personal home and office. It is a lovely, older stone house that is zoned for both commercial and residential use. She used all of her Law of Attraction knowledge to manifest that place, but it never happened. I lost contact with her during the past two years, so I don't know all the details of her most recent activities, but I do know she died of cancer and I am sure that is not something she was trying to manifest.
I am disheartened to think of her and how her life ended and what I see as dreams she never manifested even though she knew more about manifesting than I do. Yes, I know there are probably many other factors of which I am not aware, but still I feel so much sadness when I think of how her life did not evolve the way she dreamed of and worked for. She was one year older than me and she expected to live many more years and to manifest many more dreams. I am two years shy of 60 and I feel my time is running out to fulfill my dreams and still have time to enjoy them. Every day seems to bring another ache or pain, more tiredness, more disinterest in what used to hold my attention.
Perhaps this disheartening feeling will pass; maybe I will get back on the manifesting path. A friend in whom I recently confided suggested I let my Manifesting Mount Dora project "simmer" for awhile. I guess that means to disengage myself and that seems to be happening anyway. My man and I will be going to Mount Dora later this month and as much as I want to be excited about the trip, I'm not. I look forward to the rest and to something different from my normal routine, but nothing more.
This is as brutally honest as I can be. Hard to think about and hard to write, but true, nonetheless.
I am really down. I feel like manifesting Mount Dora or anything else is a joke, a waste of time, a pipe dream. Saying that is so hard for me, but that is exactly how I feel. I feel old and tired and there is just no energy left in me to do any more than the day-to-day activities that are necessary.
When I was in Mount Dora last weekend, I felt disconnected from life there. Usually, as I enter Mount Dora, I feel as though I am arriving home, but not last week. No longer could I see myself living there or doing anything other than what I do week-in-and-week-out in my present life, in my present location.
Over the last week I have thought about other big dreams I've had that never came to fruition. Some I had before I knew about the Law of Attraction, but I know I was using many of the same manifesting processes as just part of the normal activities of hoping and dreaming. Later, I consciously applied the Law of Attraction to other dreams, although not to the extent I am now. As I look back on those dreams - and I am talking about big ones - none of them came true. As I have often said before, maybe those dreams were not the best for me and maybe I am better off that they were not manifested, but, as often as I have believed that, now I am not sure. And, if that is true, who is to say that my dream of manifesting Mount Dora is not the same and that the result will not be the same? How long do I keep trying before I give up? How much more energy to I waste on something that may never come to pass?
I have also been struggling with memories of a former friend who died of cancer last month. When I first met her she was studying to be a Law of Attraction facilitator under the tutelage of Jack Canfield and others. She attended seminars and workshops and eventually received her certification. She then had seminars and workshops of her own - some that I attended. She also offered private sessions. She joined networking groups around town to promote her business, but still she struggled and was eventually forced to give up the office she was renting. Almost every day I drive past a building that she dreamed of owning as her personal home and office. It is a lovely, older stone house that is zoned for both commercial and residential use. She used all of her Law of Attraction knowledge to manifest that place, but it never happened. I lost contact with her during the past two years, so I don't know all the details of her most recent activities, but I do know she died of cancer and I am sure that is not something she was trying to manifest.
I am disheartened to think of her and how her life ended and what I see as dreams she never manifested even though she knew more about manifesting than I do. Yes, I know there are probably many other factors of which I am not aware, but still I feel so much sadness when I think of how her life did not evolve the way she dreamed of and worked for. She was one year older than me and she expected to live many more years and to manifest many more dreams. I am two years shy of 60 and I feel my time is running out to fulfill my dreams and still have time to enjoy them. Every day seems to bring another ache or pain, more tiredness, more disinterest in what used to hold my attention.
Perhaps this disheartening feeling will pass; maybe I will get back on the manifesting path. A friend in whom I recently confided suggested I let my Manifesting Mount Dora project "simmer" for awhile. I guess that means to disengage myself and that seems to be happening anyway. My man and I will be going to Mount Dora later this month and as much as I want to be excited about the trip, I'm not. I look forward to the rest and to something different from my normal routine, but nothing more.
This is as brutally honest as I can be. Hard to think about and hard to write, but true, nonetheless.
Thank you for being so honest...I know it's hard to be in this emotional place and feel so overwhelmed by it. I hope you don't give up on this, but just put it to the side for now. Take care of yourself, look to your health right now and pay attention to depression. Sometimes you just have to pray for discernment and faith...my prayers are up for you too!
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