I haven't written in a long time - not here, not anywhere else. I am still struggling to reconnect with my Manifesting Mount Dora project, but, more than that, life events have interrupted what may have been called "normal".
My man's youngest sibling, a sister, passed away last week after being in a coma for more than a week. Her condition and subsequent passing were a shock and his family is still reeling from the loss.
The same day we learned of his sister's condition, one of my dearest friends was hit head-on by a much larger vehicle on the interstate. Fortunately, she had no life-threatening injuries and no damage to her head, spine, face, neck or internal organs. However, her body is a jigsaw of breaks, sprains, dislocations and lacerations. Three operations later, her parts and pieces are reconnected and beginning the healing process, but her recovery will be long and challenging.
These two sad events reminded me how we are all interconnected. I was not in a coma, I did not die, I was not in an auto accident, I did not go through surgery, but still I was affected by each of these events. I did not physically feel the pain, but I endured it on an emotional and mental level and I feel the exhaustion of knowing that someone you love is hurting and of the smothering effect of empathy and concern.
Here, the night before Christmas, I feel very disconnected from the holiday hoopla. I am going through the motions for my grandchildren and my daughter, not feeling the anticipation that normally grows at this time of December. This year has been so unexpected - sometimes exciting, sad, inspiring and disappointing; often challenging, confusing and discouraging. Many times I was so hopeful and encouraged and other times I cried for understanding and hope. Right now, as this year winds to a close, I am taking stock of what I am thinking and feeling. Weariness is the word that first comes to mind. I am very tired and no hours of sleep ease the exhaustion. I have a strong sense of resignation, as though nothing I can do will make a difference. Intellectually, I don't know if that is true, but that is how I FEEL. January starts my busiest work time of the year and no matter how deep I delve internally, I cannot find a well of energy big enough to tackle the tasks that come my way at the start of every year.
There is much for which I am grateful. I and my immediate family are relatively healthy. We have a comfortable home, food on the table and the comforts of modern life. I have work and a steady income. My grandchildren fill my life with laughter and love. My daughter fills me with pride. My man still makes me laugh and warms our home with song and music. I know I am blessed. And, yet I am also disappointed in a deep way I cannot explain in words and I feel guilty and ashamed of this disappointment.
I volunteer at and am on the board of directors for a feminist bookstore. That store, the two women who own it, the staff, and the patrons feed my soul. For more than a month, due to family and work responsibilities and all these unexpected events, I have not been able to work at the store or even spend time there. The store closed last Saturday, temporarily, in preparation of reopening in a different location. I was excited about the move and all the wonderful changes that come along with it, but I have missed out on the last few weeks at the current location. Friday evening I carved out a couple of hours to go to the bookstore and there my soul was fed. I shopped the great moving sales, then sunk into a chair and talked to Erica, one of the store owners, who made me feel missed and appreciated. We talked about everything and about nothing. It was wonderful. I relaxed in a way I haven't in several weeks. I felt a sense of reconnecting with something that had been hiding in a small, dark corner and that is when I wanted to write again.
When I started this blog in March, I thought that by the end of the year I would be closer to manifesting Mount Dora - even if just a little closer - and on this 24th day of December I feel further away that I did in March. I see clearly than I am still needed here. My daughter and grandchildren are entrenched in life in our town and I don't see them being ready for a move any time soon. I also know that I am needed for my injured friend and her partner as the long healing and rehabilitation period starts. I want to be of assistance in any way I can to make this difficult journey a little easier for them. And, I can understand that those and other reasons may be why I am not making progress toward the new life I want to create and I am okay with the fact that I am needed right here, right now. My question is, why almost one year ago, was I given what seemed to be a very clear vision of a life in Mount Dora? Why was that passion born in me if there is no hope of it becoming reality any time in the near future? Was I given one more unattainable desire just so I could experience more disappointment?
As I see my friend's life suddenly and unexpectedly changed forever due to an accident she could not avoid, I am even more aware of the fragility of life and that we have no promise of a tomorrow or of a tomorrow that even slightly resembles today. How many more days do I have to live or how many days do I have to live in a condition even similar to the one I enjoy now? The life I envisioned in Mount Dora was a life with me as I am now. Perhaps I could get there 10, 15 or 20 years from now, but that would not be the life that I am visualizing now because I will certainly not be the person I am now. My vision of life in Mount Dora most definitely includes the man that shares my life now and, with his age being several years in advance of mine, I know that the delay of my manifestation means that he could very well not be present to share it with me or may not be in good enough health to truly enjoy the attainment of a dream we have both nurtured.
As usual, or maybe even more than usual, I have no answers. I am just a woman writing a blog about - about what? I am not even sure how to answer that. Is it still about Manifesting Mount Dora? Was it ever Manifesting Mount Dora? Was it about what I want or about who I am or about who I want to be? I cannot even think that abstractly right now. I am ending 2012 more confused that I started and I have no idea what to expect or, if I dare, hope for in 2013.
My man's youngest sibling, a sister, passed away last week after being in a coma for more than a week. Her condition and subsequent passing were a shock and his family is still reeling from the loss.
The same day we learned of his sister's condition, one of my dearest friends was hit head-on by a much larger vehicle on the interstate. Fortunately, she had no life-threatening injuries and no damage to her head, spine, face, neck or internal organs. However, her body is a jigsaw of breaks, sprains, dislocations and lacerations. Three operations later, her parts and pieces are reconnected and beginning the healing process, but her recovery will be long and challenging.
These two sad events reminded me how we are all interconnected. I was not in a coma, I did not die, I was not in an auto accident, I did not go through surgery, but still I was affected by each of these events. I did not physically feel the pain, but I endured it on an emotional and mental level and I feel the exhaustion of knowing that someone you love is hurting and of the smothering effect of empathy and concern.
Here, the night before Christmas, I feel very disconnected from the holiday hoopla. I am going through the motions for my grandchildren and my daughter, not feeling the anticipation that normally grows at this time of December. This year has been so unexpected - sometimes exciting, sad, inspiring and disappointing; often challenging, confusing and discouraging. Many times I was so hopeful and encouraged and other times I cried for understanding and hope. Right now, as this year winds to a close, I am taking stock of what I am thinking and feeling. Weariness is the word that first comes to mind. I am very tired and no hours of sleep ease the exhaustion. I have a strong sense of resignation, as though nothing I can do will make a difference. Intellectually, I don't know if that is true, but that is how I FEEL. January starts my busiest work time of the year and no matter how deep I delve internally, I cannot find a well of energy big enough to tackle the tasks that come my way at the start of every year.
There is much for which I am grateful. I and my immediate family are relatively healthy. We have a comfortable home, food on the table and the comforts of modern life. I have work and a steady income. My grandchildren fill my life with laughter and love. My daughter fills me with pride. My man still makes me laugh and warms our home with song and music. I know I am blessed. And, yet I am also disappointed in a deep way I cannot explain in words and I feel guilty and ashamed of this disappointment.
I volunteer at and am on the board of directors for a feminist bookstore. That store, the two women who own it, the staff, and the patrons feed my soul. For more than a month, due to family and work responsibilities and all these unexpected events, I have not been able to work at the store or even spend time there. The store closed last Saturday, temporarily, in preparation of reopening in a different location. I was excited about the move and all the wonderful changes that come along with it, but I have missed out on the last few weeks at the current location. Friday evening I carved out a couple of hours to go to the bookstore and there my soul was fed. I shopped the great moving sales, then sunk into a chair and talked to Erica, one of the store owners, who made me feel missed and appreciated. We talked about everything and about nothing. It was wonderful. I relaxed in a way I haven't in several weeks. I felt a sense of reconnecting with something that had been hiding in a small, dark corner and that is when I wanted to write again.
When I started this blog in March, I thought that by the end of the year I would be closer to manifesting Mount Dora - even if just a little closer - and on this 24th day of December I feel further away that I did in March. I see clearly than I am still needed here. My daughter and grandchildren are entrenched in life in our town and I don't see them being ready for a move any time soon. I also know that I am needed for my injured friend and her partner as the long healing and rehabilitation period starts. I want to be of assistance in any way I can to make this difficult journey a little easier for them. And, I can understand that those and other reasons may be why I am not making progress toward the new life I want to create and I am okay with the fact that I am needed right here, right now. My question is, why almost one year ago, was I given what seemed to be a very clear vision of a life in Mount Dora? Why was that passion born in me if there is no hope of it becoming reality any time in the near future? Was I given one more unattainable desire just so I could experience more disappointment?
As I see my friend's life suddenly and unexpectedly changed forever due to an accident she could not avoid, I am even more aware of the fragility of life and that we have no promise of a tomorrow or of a tomorrow that even slightly resembles today. How many more days do I have to live or how many days do I have to live in a condition even similar to the one I enjoy now? The life I envisioned in Mount Dora was a life with me as I am now. Perhaps I could get there 10, 15 or 20 years from now, but that would not be the life that I am visualizing now because I will certainly not be the person I am now. My vision of life in Mount Dora most definitely includes the man that shares my life now and, with his age being several years in advance of mine, I know that the delay of my manifestation means that he could very well not be present to share it with me or may not be in good enough health to truly enjoy the attainment of a dream we have both nurtured.
As usual, or maybe even more than usual, I have no answers. I am just a woman writing a blog about - about what? I am not even sure how to answer that. Is it still about Manifesting Mount Dora? Was it ever Manifesting Mount Dora? Was it about what I want or about who I am or about who I want to be? I cannot even think that abstractly right now. I am ending 2012 more confused that I started and I have no idea what to expect or, if I dare, hope for in 2013.
Soo, maelstrom. What is your anchor?
ReplyDeleteInteresting question. Not sure of the answer though.
Delete