Vulnerability Among Friends

I am still on the subject of vulnerability and still praising the work of Brené Brown.  If you missed my recommendations of her books in previous blogs, I will list them again:

Daring Greatly
The Gifts of Imperfection
The Power of Vulnerability

Vulnerability is when we choose to go outside our comfort zone; when we risk failure and ridicule to dare to do something different, to be someone different, to stretch and grow.  Vulnerability is uncomfortable for the one practicing it and often for those observing it.  When we are vulnerable, we bare our souls and open our hearts, and that can be scary, can make us feel nervous and ill-at-ease, but it can also be exhilarating, freeing and life-changing.   When we watch someone else being vulnerable, we squirm, feel awkward, are at a loss for words, or if we do speak, usually say the wrong thing - not something supportive and loving, but words that criticize, judge, ridicule and hurt.

When I chose to leave my husband and create a new life, I was being vulnerable.  When I began a new relationship, I was being vulnerable.  After a long married life of predictability and fear of the unknown, I chose to be vulnerable enough to dare to choose a new life.  I thought my "friends" would be supportive and happy for me.  Some did and those are still my friends today.  Others did not and, eventually, I no longer considered them friends.  Some of them were never really my friends to begin with, as they later proved,  and some were just not ready to accept the changes I was making.

My vulnerability raised issues for them.  Some wanted to make similar changes, but were afraid.  Watching me change, brought their fears to the surface.  Others resented what I was doing - either because they wanted to do the same and could not or would not, or their ideas of what is good and bad behavior raised judgments that what I was doing was wrong.  Some may have just feared change of any kind - even in someone else's life.  Either way, I made them uncomfortable and they did not know what to do with that feeling of unease so they lashed out at me with criticism, judgement and even ridicule.  And, honestly, in the past, I often behaved the same with others who made me uncomfortable with their vulnerability.

Sometimes looking at someone else is like looking in a mirror.  I am miserable and when I look at you I see someone who is miserable and we form a friendship based on our mutual unhappiness.  But, as soon as one of us dares to be vulnerable and go looking for happiness, the other feels betrayed.  The one left behind, let's call her Eva,  may not say these words, but she is thinking them, at some deep level, "How dare you go looking for happiness and leave me behind!"  What follows is fear.  Eva fears that I will find happiness and she never will.  Eva fears that our friendship will never be the same.  Eva fears that I will find happiness, then fall flat on may face, thereby confirming that her fear of happiness is justified - it never lasts and it leads to pain.

At first Eva's fear leads to her expression of all the dire consequences that could arise from my actions.  In the case of my marital separation, I heard, "You are too old to start over", "You will face all kinds of financial problems", "You will miss your home", "You were closer to your husband's family than your own and you will lose them", "You are moving too quickly", "Your problems with just follow you", "You will alienate your friends and family", "You are letting your heart rule your mind", "You will have to start all over", "You are not thinking things through", "You are being silly (stupid, immature)".

Once Eva runs out of warnings and predictions of failure, she resorts to criticism and judgement, as did my friends.  "Marriage is forever", "If you failed at this marriage, you will fail at other relationships", "You should not be in a new relationship if you are not divorced yet", "You are being selfish", "This is wrong", "You are wrong".

And, if Eva fails to change my course using criticism, she then recruits the help of others by gossiping.  Surely, if she tells everyone we know what I have shared with her, and what I may not be ready to share with others, they will agree with her that I am on a dangerous course and jump on her bandwagon to pull me back into the "real world".  That is exactly what happened, especially with my very own "Eva" who was quick to tell everyone where I had gone wrong.  Some she told did join in her chorus of criticism, some were uninterested, and others were insulted by Eva including them in her gossip circle and openly came to me with words of support and encouragement.

When my course of action did not change, even after Eva's gossiping, she resorted to treating me with rudeness, especially around our mutual friends, and then to exclusion - purposefully, leaving me out of activities, lunches, dinners, movies and other group activities.  

I was slow to react.  So much was changing in my life, so fast, that the resulting vulnerability was scaring me a little.  I felt like I needed the comfort of old relationships.  But, soon there was no comfort in those relationships.  The day I realized I was no longer gaining anything from those friendships and, in fact, was being mistreated, I made the choice to move on and leave those relationships in the friendship cemetery.  Doing so was not easy, but it was the right and healthy thing for me to do.

Now, years later, my Eva has made some of the same choices I did.  She opened herself up to her own vulnerability as she made brave and important changes in her life.  We still are not friends and never will be because there is too much distrust from the past, but we are friendlier than we have been in a very long time.

My closest friends now are those that saw and accepted my vulnerability;  who allowed me to change and showered me with support.  But, as time has past, I have forgiven those who were not there for me - those who attacked my vulnerability.  I know that they were uncomfortable and afraid and fear destroys relationships.

Sharing Our Prosperity

(I originally wrote this while on vacation earlier in the month, but I did not have Internet access at the time and forgot to post it later.)

We are on vacation right now, staying with my man's mother in New Jersey with plans to take the train to Manhattan every morning, returning  each evening.  Today, however, our first day here, the weather was cold and rainy so we skipped our daily trip to NYC and hung out with his mom, his sister-in-law and her son.  All of these people are immigrants from South America and listening to stories of their homelands and their moves to the United States leaves me marveling at the will and adaptability of these people and millions more like them.  They love their homelands and their cultures, but, at some point, they realized life was too hard and opportunities too few where they were born.  When each had the chance to risk a new life in a different place, they took it.  Their choices did not come without fear or trepidation or even sadness.  Each regretted the need to leave their families, friends, homes and culture, but they still plunged forward into the unknown future in a strange land, arriving without knowing the language, but with the help of others who had come before and with the hope that they too could have a better life in the United States.  Others around the world make the same brave choices, ending up in the U.S. or Canada or Australia or other countries with more stable economies and political systems.

Two of my man's brothers came first, both having work visas to do jobs that were short on employees in the late 60's.  Later, the six remaining siblings, as well as their parents, immigrated here.  They have all lived here many decades, their children were born and raised here, but still they miss their homeland and try to keep their cultures alive through their native food and music.

I am often ashamed at how Americans treat immigrants.  We can be so stingy and so mean when it comes to accepting those who are different than we are.   We fear that "they" will take what is "ours".  We fear that our culture, which is and always has been a conglomeration of bits and pieces of other cultures, will be wiped away by "their" cultures.  We, ignorantly, think our English language will even be overcome by the native tongues of others.  All of us or our ancestors came here from somewhere else at some time and we forget that and become so possessive of what is "ours".

The idea that English will be replaced by the language of some other group is ridiculous.  Perhaps those who immigrated here will never learn English, and that is understandable for those who live in communities of people speaking the same native language, but it really is not important if those who immigrated speak English because their children will and their grandchildren will.  My grandkids have parents who speak another language and they only speak to their children in that language, but my grandchildren live with me and speak English with me and in school and even with their friends who also know their other language.  They are completely bilingual, but their preferred language is English because that is the language of their culture.  They are bi-lingual but I fear my great-grandchildren will not be.

I admire those who come here with little and create much.  Somehow we think that immigrants come here to live off our welfare systems, when all I see are immigrants who work harder than most of "us" do.  I see many immigrants who struggle to save as much money as possible so they can live the American Dream by owning their own homes and businesses.  They still believe in the American Dream while many of those born here have no idea what the American Dream is.

I am not saying all of this to be political; I am saying this because it has so much to do with how we view the world and ourselves and that affects how we view prosperity.  If we are consumed with preserving what we see as "ours", on a national level or a personal level, we are missing the opportunity to be prosperous, for prosperity has to do with there being enough for all.  If we think of lack, if we feel stingy and self-preserving, we push prosperity away.  If we think small, we live small.  To me, it is sad when we fail to share, when we hoard and refuse to help others.  I believe our hearts need to be bigger so we can give more and, thereby, receive more.

I don't believe we can create abundance and prosperity on an individual level if we embrace the idea of lack in our country, whether for our native-born residents or for those from other countries.  I know many disagree with me, but, for me, my prosperity  is affected my willingness to share my abundance with others.  That does not mean I give everything I have to others, but it means I share generously and I share with love and willingness. It means I think of our country as a community that supports and helps one another.  It means I am willing to pay the taxes needed to keep our infrastructure in good shape and our schools at competitive levels, to pay our educators and civil workers a decent wage, and to provide safety nets for all those who are struggling.  It means I embrace those who wish to have the same opportunities I have and I help those who are less fortunate than me.  That is what I define as true prosperity for me, for my community and for my country and that is what I think about when I vote.  Who embraces prosperity for all, who supports helping others, who is accepting of immigrants, who refuses to think in terms of lack, who shows the most support for our schools, our educators, our civil workers and our infrastructure, who believes that we receive when we give?  Those are the people I can support with a joyful heart.

Looking Back

This was a saying I saw on Facebook recently: Sometimes you just gotta look back at your past and smile at how far you've gotten.  No name was attributed to the quote, but it was posted by yTravel Blog so I want to give them the credit for it.

Those words made me stop and think.  My birthday is just around the corner and this is a good time to think about the past and how far I've come.  

Life has been moving very fast during the last week.  I was busy catching up at work and at home from my vacation and I watched my grandchildren several times during the week.  There just were not enough hours for all that needed to be done.  When I feel like I am behind in my responsibilities or that I have too much to do in too little time, I begin to feel a little defeated, like I am getting nowhere fast, like my dreams are always pushed into the future.  When that happened this week, I was glad to be reminded to look at my past and see how far I've come.  No, actually, not just see how far I've come, but SMILE at how far I've come.

I took a few minutes to compare the “me” today to the “me” a few years ago.  That difference is undeniably huge - as they say, “ I've come a long way, baby!”  But, what about the “me” of a year ago and the “me” now.  The change is not as remarkable, but still noticeable.  At this time last year, I was not sure what I wanted.  Now I know, and I am working towards manifesting a new home and life in Mount Dora.  I also know that I want to write and am doing  more and more of that.  A year ago, I did not have this blog which brings me so much pleasure and I am even considering starting a second blog.

Last year, my home life was in still in flux as my man and I continued adjusting to my daughter and grandchildren moving in the year before and now we are all settled with routines and schedules involving one another.  A family member who was living with us to help with the childcare moved out this past summer and now I have more of the responsibility for the care for my grandchildren, which is both wonderful and a huge lifestyle adjustment.  Since my daughter is adopted and I never had children of my own, I see this opportunity to help raise my grandchildren as a tremendous blessing that allows me to have an experience I missed during my child-bearing years.  Some family issues that caused turmoil during the past year have mostly been resolved and I am quite content with our home life.

I feel more connected to my home than I did a year ago and am proud of the living and dining room redecorating project that I completed this summer and am looking forward to redecorating another area of our house in these last weeks before the end of 2012.

My work has not changed much, but is chugging along nicely and steadily.  I started volunteering at the last remaining feminist bookstore in Florida, Wild Iris Books, and the experience has been very fulfilling and fascinating.  

My man and I made time to visit Mount Dora more regularly and we just had a wonderful vacation up north.  Since we are spending more time with my grandchildren, we are going on outings with them to the mall, festivals, concerts, restaurants and sometimes just for a long walk.  He and I also joined a gym and enjoy going there two or three times a week to workout.

The biggest change was the death of my mother this year and although I still find myself reaching for my phone to call and see how she is doing, I am at peace with her passing and sometimes feel her presence close to me.  Our relationship, though loving, was also rocky at times and all that seems to have drifted away.  I feel an intense peace and well-being when I think of her and I know whatever issues remained unsettled between us are settled now.

Even when life is hectic, as it usually is, I have a more defined sense of self.  Perhaps there have been no huge victories during the past year, but there certainly were a few accomplishments and many unexpected blessings.

It is easy for me to begin feeling lost and defeated, old and tired, weary and overwhelmed  when life gets too busy and feels out-of-control.  Taking a moment to assess our past and our journey to the present is a good way to be reminded that we've made progress and have blessings to celebrate.  And, we need to SMILE when we think of how far we've come.  We need to feel happy for whatever accomplishments, no matter how small.  We need to remember to celebrate ourselves.

Perhaps a walk down memory lane results in a feeling of defeat.  Perhaps you were better off last year than now.  Perhaps life was easier or happier before and the present looks dismal.  Truth be told, not every year sees us better off than the year before.  Our lives have highs and lows and sometimes the lows seem to last a very long time.  I've definitely been there.  And when you are in the midst of a low, it is hard - really, really hard - to identify anything to feel good about, anything to make you smile.  Look hard, dig deep.  There is always something, even if just a memory of a warm afternoon in a park after a cold winter or a strong cup of coffee one morning when you just could not get your day started or a friend who called at just the right moment when you needed some encouragement.  Those little moments can be just as important as the new job, the big raise, the new relationship.  Once you have identified some of those moments, try to look for them in the days ahead.  Take time to appreciate the cup of coffee, the time in the park and the call from a friend as they occur.  Once you start paying attention, I am sure you will find there are many more of those memorable moments than you realized.   And, I have no doubt, that you will soon be noticing that those moments are happening more frequently or that bigger and better changes are occurring.

I sometimes fall into the trap of comparing myself to someone else who appears to be better off or making more progress than me.  That is a sure way to feel badly about myself.  First, we don’t ever really know how well someone else is doing.  Appearances can be deceiving.  Second, we are all on different paths, traveling at different speeds.  I am not my neighbor or my friend or my co-worker.  I am not you and you are not me.  We can learn from one another and be inspired by one another, but since we cannot be one another, we are not comparable.  I can only judge my progress by my own desires, expectations, and experiences.  The same is true of comparing myself to someone who is going through a rougher time than I am currently experiencing.  My life and its accomplishments may seem extraordinary if compared to someone who is struggling, but that person’s life has nothing to do with mine.  If I compare myself to others, I am taking away my own specialness and individuality and I am denying that I have a purpose and a path that belongs to only me.  When I look at another and think they are making less progress than me, I am judging them by a criteria that only applies to my life.  My comparison diminishes who they are and who I am.

So my birthday is creeping up and I feel like the past year has been a success.  I feel I know myself better now than I did a year ago and that I am moving on the path that is right for me at this time in my life.  I found balance and lessons in several unexpected changes and experiences, some that were difficult and sad.

My upcoming year will bring more challenges, changes, blessings and surprises.  I will surely have moments of happiness and sadness, probably some fear and disappointment. I plan to write more, visit Mount Dora regularly, do what I can to help my daughter and grandchildren, rejoice in watching the children grown and learn, love my family and friends, work joyfully, laugh as often as I can, release what no longer serves me, embrace new experiences, travel to new places and be grateful for all little and big successes and lessons along the way.  

What Does It Mean?

I am at a women's retreat at Santa Rosa Beach in the Florida Panhandle.  I've never been this far west in the state and I have never attended a retreat that was longer than a day.  We arrived yesterday at noon and will leave tomorrow at noon.  There are seven of us here: the retreat facilitator Vickie Spray, our massage therapist Katrine, myself and four other women.  None of us is like the other.  We are different ages and sizes and we brought different life experinces to this place.  What we do have in common is our desire to release our fears and our willingness to share and support one another on this two-day spiritual journey.  I am grateful for this opportunity, for Vickie creating this welcoming and safe group, for the lovely home where we are staying and the two women I've never met who created such a warm and inviting space and who are allowing those they don't know to experience it.  I am grateful for all the other women here who are sharing deeply, allowing dark corners of their lives to rise to the surface so we can all heal together.  I am thankful for the hours of self-care we are experiencing through naps, conversations, massages, walks, the beach, laughter, and good food.

In the spring I attended the Spritual Faire at the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship in my town where I met a woman selling hand-made beaded bracelets.  Each one was unique - sizes, colors and types of stones and beads varied.  Some had metal beads with letters or numbers etched on them.  She instructed me to think of a request I have for the Universe and then "listen" for the bracelet that spoke to me.  I purchased one with earthy-colored stones, many shaped like half-moons, and a metal bead with an 8 on it, which the woman said was the symbol of prosperity.  It seemed apropos since my request, unspoken and therefore unknown to the  bracelet creator, was for the financial prosperity I need to create a new home and life in Mount Dora.  She put the bracelet on my wrist and told me to wear it 24/7 until it released itself from me.  When that happens, she said, you will know that you no longer need the bracelet.  In spite of being unsure what that meant, I walked away contented with my pretty, unusual bracelet.  I wore it every moment since, until yesterday.  Shortly after arriving at the beach retreat, I was in the bathroom changing into some cooler clothing when my left wrist hit against a towel rack.  It was not a hard hit, but it obviously was enough for my bracelet to "release itself from me".  I watched sadly as the lovely earthy-hued beads dropped to the floor, bouncing and rolling in all directions.  My pretty bracelet was gone.  What did that mean to me?  Do I believe that the bracelet could fulfill a wish?  Does the loss of it mean my wish has been fulfilled?
 
Physical evidence at this time says that I have not achieved the financial prosperity to, as I like to say, Manifest Mount Dora, but perhaps I am on the road, or it will occur soon or maybe I have learned an important lesson that will lead toward that goal.  I am not sure.  I can't help but feel that the releasing of the bracelet during this retreat weekend has some sort of significance.  I look at my left wrist and it seems bare without my unique bracelet and even replacing it with one of the many other bracelets I own seems inadequate. And, yet, I also have a feeling of acceptance that it was time for the bracelet to be released or to release me.  This may all seem so silly, like childish wishful thinking, but yet it feels very strongly significant to me.  I have no idea if the bracelet had any power or any lessons to teach or if I am just projecting more importance to a piece of jewelry than it could possibly have.  But, I do know that, although I miss it,  I feel a sense of completion without it.  After almost five months of wearing the bracelet, I have no answers;  I have only more questions.  But, if this journey of Manifesting Mount Dora has taught me anything, its that progress is only made when we ask questions.  Questions spur the seeking that creates the journey.  I often looked at my bracelet and considered financial prosperity, what that meant to me and what fears I have surrounding that idea.  Maybe the job of the bracelet was to encourage the questions that lead to the seeking that leads to the answers.  Maybe those questions are what led me to this weekend retreat and maybe that is why the bracelet was released or released me.  

Living Life As It Is

Last week, at this time, my man and I were in Mount Dora.  So was Tropical Storm Isaac.  That seems to be the theme of the summer, we escape for rest and relaxation and are accompanied by a tropical storm.  It happened in May with Tropical Storm Beryl, in June with Debby and last week with Isaac.  Fortunately, we stayed safe and still had a good time and our home and family, who also were in the path of the three storms, suffered no ill effects of the unpredictable weather.  


Being in Mount Dora, as always, was restorative.  Much rest, walks in the rain or between the rains, lots of reading, some writing, naps, visits with people we have come to know in our favorite town and the pleasure of meeting other residents, and many good meals.  Good times can be had even in threatening weather.  We discovered a book store called Barrel of Books and Games where I purchased some gifts for my grandchildren and several books, including a three-book series of novels that take place in Mount Dora called the Fairlawn Series by Angela Hunt.  Last night, having completed a wonderful novel about people and dogs living near Central Park in Manhattan (another of my favorite places) called “The New Yorkers”, I started the first in the Fairlawn series, “Doesn’t She Look Natural?”  I am enjoying the story very much in spite of the slight “Christian” side-theme, which is present but not preachy.  The story is not unusual: husband has mid-life crisis leaving his wife and two sons for their nanny, who is, of course, a fraction of his age.  Mom is left struggling financially, forced to sell their home and move in with her retired mother, searching for a job in Washington, D.C. while hindered by her powerful husband’s influence there, and trying to remain hopeful about the future as she assumes almost full responsibility for raising their two sons.  I have just reached the part when Mount Dora enters the picture.  Mom inherits, from an barely-known great-uncle, a funeral home in Mount Dora and will end up moving her children there to assume management of a business about which she knows nothing.  I am looking forward to seeing how Mount Dora is portrayed in the book - favorably, I am sure, since the book is sold and promoted in the town!  I like the idea of the unknown business challenge and am interested in seeing how mom and boys adjust to their new lives in Mount Dora, so far-removed and so immensely different than their lifestyle and  experiences in the D.C. area.

My Labor Day weekend plans to finish painting the table and chairs I purchased for my grandchildren back in July were pushed aside when my client, who has closed his business but still needs me to work for him until the end of the year, decided that he does not want to keep his office available as a place for me to work and asked me to transfer his bookkeeping records, computer and printer and some office supplies to my house.  Since my house is overflowing with three adults and two children living here full-time and two other family members staying for weeks at a time several times a year, it was a challenge to make room for more stuff.  But, because he was not only a good client but also a friend, I did my best to accommodate his wishes.  More rearranging, more organizing, but I think I made it work.  Waiting now for my computer-expert friend to come by and tweak what I started, but I am confident we can make the situation satisfactory.  

On Thursday, I leave for a women-only retreat called Expanding Past The Fear at an ocean resort in the Florida Panhandle.  I am excited to be part of this event.  Not only will it involve lots of self-care, but we will work through our fears - fears that may be holding us back from who we should be and what we should be doing.  I believe that we are all a work-in-progress and anything we can do to improve who we are and where we are furthers us on our path to prosperity and personal fulfillment.  I am so grateful for the opportunity to be part of this retreat!

Life continues even when you have a manifestation project.  You cannot stop living, nor should you, to concentrate on what you want to create in the future.  I know people who put their current lives on hold to while away the hours dreaming of what they want the future to hold.  Life is about energy and energy is about action.  Action is in the present, the now.  Work must be done, bills paid, food prepared, lawns mowed, clothes washed, children hugged, school lessons learned, floors swept, bodies showered, books read.  Our actions must naturally revolve around what creates and maintains the life we are living right now, but we also should carve out time for what we want to manifest.  Just a little time.  Some meditation, some visualization every day.  Some journaling is good and for me, blogging.  For whatever it is you want to manifest, set aside a little time everyday, even if no more than fifteen minutes, to keep your dream alive and fresh.  Embrace and participate in the life you have now, even if your desire is to create a new, different life.  Appreciate what you have now to energize what you want in the future.

An Ending or A Beginning?

One of my clients is closing his office.  Not exactly what he was planning to do this year, but that is what developed due to some changes in his business that caused financial uncertainty.  His professional and personal life was already moving in another direction, but he did not expect to close his office this soon.  At first the unexpected fluctuations of his business income worried him and he became agitated and anxious, but then he realized that his life was moving away from that sort of work anyway so he embraced the unexpected changes and chose to make bold, dramatic moves that propelled him into his next phase of life.

I admire his brave leap into the future and his excitement about the uncertainty that lies ahead.  Change has usually terrified me.  I clung to what was routine, predictable (if anything can be predictable) and safe, or what I thought was safe.  Fortunately, for several years now, I've been moving away from that limited and frightened view of life.  Every ending is a new beginning, but I sometimes forget or ignore that.  I think most of us concentrate on the ending part and overlook the new beginning that follows closely on its heels.  Our emphasis on what we are leaving behind overshadows all the possibilities in the future and while we gaze backwards at a closing door, we don't see all the doors opening on the path ahead.  Not every opportunity waits indefinitely for us.  If we don't act promptly and with confidence, the Universe assumes we are not ready, which obviously we aren't, and closes the door.  That door may or may not open again, but even if it does, it will be further down the road - a road that may be rougher and more challenging than it needed to be.

I saw my client welcome what was ahead, even when he did not know what that would be.  He made decisions swiftly and is now poised to close the door and walk into a future that is uncertain, but exciting and full of unknown possibilities.  To move forward boldly meant that first he had to be aware of the signs the Universe was sending him.   He chose not to fight the changes and embraced them instead, moving happily in the direction they led.  Now he is full of excitement and anticipation and is relieved to be releasing so many responsibilities that had been weighing him down.

Watching him reminds me to look for signs of changes and shifts, to stay open to unknown possibilities, to remain optimistic and courageous, to look forward with aniticipation and not backwards with regret or sadness.  My client reminds me of a dog I saw today that was soaked by a sudden rainshower.  Just as that dog shook off the rain and trotted forward without a worry about the wetness that had taken him by surprise, my client shook of the unexpected financial storm and is trotting down the path to his next life adventure.  His action is bold, brave and inspirational.  Shouldn't we all strive to embrace change with that same sense of adventure?

Living Small

As a child, I thought big and I dreamt even bigger, as most of us do.  But, my thoughts and dreams shrunk in size as I matured.  Life experiences deflated me, people cautioned me, and I succumbed to fear and self-doubt, as most of us do. 

Well-meaning mentors, family members and friends told me "don't bite off more than you can chew", "be practical", "you can't support yourself doing that", "life is hard, plan ahead", "work hard, then work harder" and all those sorts of advice comments we have all heard during our lifetimes. 

Plans I had went awry.  Unexpected problems interferred with my life.  Failures knocked me down.  Doubts crept in.  Fears took hold.  And, I began to think and dream smaller, then even smaller.  I was like a balloon losing air. By my early twenties that balloon was languishing on the ground, mostly deflated. 

I could put blame on others for poor advice and for instilling fears. I could blame life itself for what did not occur that I wanted to happen and what did occur that I did not want to happen or could not even have imagined happening.  And, I did dish out the blame for many years.  But, that did not benefit me in any way.  In fact, the blame game just made me feel bitter and angry and even more defeated.  Why try when I cannot control much, if hardly anything, that happens in my life? 

The biggest lie I was told by all those well-meaning advice-givers was that I could control my life.  I could plan and chart a life course and with diligence follow it precisely to great successes.  Not true - at least for me.  I know some who have appeared to do just that.  They decided at an early age what they wanted to do in life, they went to school or obtained the experience and training they needed, they worked hard or at least diligently in their chosen profession and lived a life that was successful on many levels.  Some may not have done so well in other areas which are not so easily planned.  Some had relationships and family lives that were filled with disappointment and unexpected consequences, but some were fortunate to have personal lives just as or even more successful and fulfilling as their professional ones.  I used to hate those people.  I was filled with jealousy that they walked a clear path with no pitfalls or unexpected detours.  Why did they seem so blessed and I was not?  Of course, if I dared looked honestly at my life, in spite of the unexpected occurrences and roadblocks along the way, my life appeared to be much better than the lives of many who seem to walk with a dark cloud of impending doom over their heads.

Comparing my life to someone else's was a waste of time and emotions.  Now, I see that we are all here for different reasons, to have different experiences and to learn and grow from all the pitfalls, detours and problems that litter our paths.  We can plan and dream (planning and dreaming are good), but unless we are in touch with our inner guidance system, unless we are incorporating what we learn into our daily practices, unless we are being grateful for all the many blessings in our lives (even if it appears others have more blessings), and unless we are open to change and adjustments, we will always seem to be failing and losing our way.  Of course, we aren't.  We are moving forward just as we need to.  We are having experiences to learn just what we need to know.  We feel stuck, we feel lost, we feel defeated, but that is because we are out of touch with who we really are and what we are here to accomplish.  Tap into your inner guidance system or to your higher power or to your intuition and your life will become smoother and clearer.  Too often we learn that lesson later in life and then we feel we missed the boat.  The knowledge and connection came too late.  Now, we have something new to hold us back.  Age.  I am too old, I can't start over now, there isn't enough time left to do what I want to do, I no longer have the energy I need. . .

Thoughts like that are new barriers that we create for ourselves.  I know I often feel that way.  I am too old now.  I wish I had learned all this when I was younger and my life could have been so much more, so much fuller, so much better.  I wish, I wish, I wish.  Wishing is NOT dreaming.  Wishing is a terrible waste of time and energy.  I am working hard to replace wishes with dreams and then taking those dreams to a new level where I actualize them through The Law of Attraction.  And, still, sometimes I feel that it is all moving too slow because I am getting older every day and, really, how much time do I have left?  That is when I try to remember that my great-aunt lived to be 104 and my man's mother will be 93 in a month.  Maybe I have lots of time left and maybe I don't, but I prefer to bet that I do.  Otherwise, I will just sit here passively and decay.  Nope, not appealing at all. 

Once, while I was attending a prosperity class, I had a dream in which myself and another class member were standing before a building with a sign on it that said "The Center for Peace and Prosperity".  I woke up from that dream, remembering it in detail, and knowing, without a doubt, that it was the woman standing with me before that glorious Center for Peace and Prosperity who had created it.  I gave her full credit for the Center although no words were exchanged in my dream; there was no signage indicating she was the founder of the Center; there was absolutely NO REASON for me to believe she was the creator of the Center.  But, that is what I thought.  Why?  Because I could not imagine myself doing something so grand; I could not accept that I was capable of such a glorious creation.  I was thinking small, dreaming small, living small.

I recently had a very similar dream.  I saw a building, although it looked different than the one in my original dream and, in fact, it looked very similar to a building in Mount Dora, and on that building was a sign that said "The Center for Peace and Prosperity".  I stood there alone.  I stood there feeling proud.  When I awoke, I knew that in my dream I was the creator of the The Center for Peace and Prosperity.  Perhaps I was also the creator in my original dream, but I was unable, at that time, to seem myself as a creator or a builder or a manifestor. So, I gave the credit to someone else.

Now I can see myself that way.  Now I can give myself credit for something that I very much dream of manifesting in Mount Dora.  Besides my home, my retirement and my new life in Mount Dora, I can now imagine part of that new life being "The Center for Peace and Prosperity".  Yes, I can see that.  Yes, I can live bigger.  

7/23/12 Thinking Magically

“And suddenly you know: It's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.”   Meister Eckhart

I was thinking a lot about new beginnings recently when I came across this quote.  Seems like many people around me are undergoing major life changes - separations and divorces, moves, unexpected pregnancies, lost jobs, businesses closing, family upheavals, deaths of loved ones.  Many of these changes appear to be negative, bringing pain, confusion, sadness, stress, self-doubt, anger, disillusionment, and disappointment.  Yet, all these changes have the potential to become positive, life-affirming and inspirational.  Most of the negativity that surrounds change stems from fear and when we fear change we cannot view it as something magical.

Fear is normal and healthy, in the correct situation and with the right amount of restraint.
Fear is a warning that an action, situation, desire, or even a thought could produce danger and requires further consideration, or in already dangerous conditions, fear warns us that immediate action is required.  Fear has its place but being in fear should not be anyone’s daily state.

If you are in a situation that is truly dangerous, such as an abusive relationship, try your best to find a way out - ask for help, go to the authorities, search for a way to remove yourself from the dangerous circumstance.  If you are in a dangerous place, such as a crime-ridden neighborhood, you may not be able to leave right now, but you can take many steps to keep yourself as safe as possible and perhaps work toward moving somewhere less dangerous in the future.

But, the fear that surrounds endings and new beginnings is a different type of fear.  Sometimes we just overreact to situations.  We worry incessantly about something that we cannot change or that we cannot even predict.  That form of fear is irrational and extremely unhealthy, often leading to a myriad of illnesses.   Being cautious when dealing with changes, even obviously happy ones, is commendable, but being actually fearful, when you have no identifiable and rational reason for the fear, is not.  Fear holds us back, keeps us stuck, halts our growth and progression, blocks prosperity.

I know a great deal about fear.  I spent most of my adult life fearing change.  I did not look or seem fearful and no one would have described me that way, but fear was my constant companion.  Even recognizably good changes created pangs of fear deep in my core.  Due to fear, I held back, lived small and too cautiously, and watched life pass me by.  Fortunately, I believe I am past that now.  Changes can still cause that catch in my throat, the one that happens just before you muffle a cry, or keep me awake until I hear the morning newspaper delivered at 4 AM, but, it feels more like worry and less like fear.  Worry is not much better than fear, but I find I can control worry more easily than fear.  Fear tends to paralyze me, even when I know what I should do or least when I know I should be doing something, but worry just consumes and annoys me for awhile and disrupts my balance and then usually I can brush it aside and move on.

The people I know going through all those changes have experienced some fear and worry, plus many of those other emotions I named, but they are moving forward, taking positive steps and looking for ways to resolve or accept their situations.  Some dealt with the negative emotions more quickly and more efficiently than the others.  Those who muddled through at a slower rate had bigger lessons to learn, I believe.

The real challenge is knowing “it’s time to start something new” and trusting in the “magic of beginnings”.  I know I tend to concentrate on the ending, rather than the beginning.  A marriage is ending, but a new phase of life is beginning.  A job has ended, but the possibility of a new, better job is beginning.  Focusing on the new beginning can make the ending easier to assimilate.  I know, all that positive thinking stuff is hard to wrap your head around when you are worried about where you will live, how you will pay your bills, and all the many other concerns that come along with changes, especially unexpected, and perhaps unwelcome, changes.  If someone says, “Think positive” you probably want to positively punch them in the gut.

“Think positive” has become trite and annoying.  Perhaps “think magical” is better and more genuine.  I mean, truly, when you are faced with what seems to be a horrible, uninvited, undesired change, thinking positive either seems hopeless or wimpy.  But, “thinking magical” is, well, magical.  We cannot really predict what sort of action or occurrence might happen that could be called magical.  We don’t know how to make magic happen, so we have to let go and let God or The Universe or Source or whomever or whatever take over.  We have to BELIEVE that somehow, someway everything will work out well for all those involved and that in the process we will learn the lessons we need to absorb to move forward in our spiritual progression.

Why is Disney World/Land so popular?  Because it is magical.  You leave your cares and concerns at the gate and enter a place where imagination and magic rule.  I have no idea how all those fun and fantastic Disney experiences are produced, but I don’t need to know nor do I want to know.  If I knew, that wonderful feeling of magic would evaporate like snowflakes on a sunny day.  Sometimes believing in and relying on magic is just what we need.

Of course, we don’t live in Disney World, so walking around we our heads in the clouds thinking that all of our problems will magically go away is not advisable.  We can think magically, meaning that we leave our minds open for unexplained and seemingly magical resolutions to our problems, but we also need to be ready to act when some magic comes our way.  Magic may bring an unbelievable job opportunity to your doorstep, but magic will not give you that much needed job if you do not make the effort to obtain it.  Magic may arrange for you to meet the man/woman of your dreams in the most unlikely of places, but magic cannot create the relationship if you don’t open your mouth and have a conversation.  Thinking magically does not mean thinking stupidly or thinking passively - it means thinking creatively and passionately - being open to new and different ideas, solutions, suggestions and experiences.

My grandchildren think magically every day.  Some of their imaginings are the nonsense of childhood, but some are the thoughts of innocent minds that have not been bullied, beaten down, disappointed and disillusioned - the thoughts that say, “Why not?” or “I believe I can.” or “Who says I can’t?”  They believe in angels, super heroes, fairy princesses and princes and all the wonderful things that go along with those characters.  They believe that good prevails over evil and that there is always a happy ending.  Naive and simple, yes.  But, to me, their innocent beliefs are also inspiring.  Evil may win a lot, happy endings are not promised and fairy-tale characters almost never come to our aid or befriend us, but does it hurt to think that some of those things may happen?  I believe that each of us deserves and receives magic in our lives every day. When we stop believing in that magic, when we stop looking for it and welcoming it, when we stop being grateful for our daily dose of magic, we lose touch with what is the most special and spiritual part of existence. And, then we lose touch with our humanity.


I want to look at life magically.  I want to think magically.  Maybe I am being naive, but maybe I am just being hopeful - hopeful that something I cannot reason my way through, something that causes fear in the pit of my stomach, something that changes my life in ways I cannot immediately accept can magically turn into good.  I want to proactively think magically, too.  I want to believe that magic can create something wonderful in my life.  Manifesting Mount Dora is definitely magically thinking and I am alright with that. I choose to think magically and manifest magically and that is how my home in Mount Dora will be magically created.   

6/29/12 Fear

I have lived a life of fear.  In recent years, I worked hard to overcome my fears and yet, still, when I have an uncomfortable thought, my throat tightens, my brows draw together with concern, my arms feel weak, my neck tenses, my heartbeat accelerates, I feel slightly dizzy.  Fear, the dis-abler, the thief of sleep, the time and energy waster.  I am facing a fear right now - actually, three.  One is a fear of lack - that I won't have what I need when I need it. One is a fear of loss - a loss that I don't even know will happen.  One is a fear of time - that I won't accomplish what I want in the time I want to accomplish it.


I cannot remember a time when fear, and its companion worry, were not part of my daily life.  I believe my deep roots in fear started when I was three months old and my mother died.  Maybe that baby did not feel fear as I do now, but I am sure she felt loss and perhaps confusion.  When at the age of four my father and step-mother separated, I remember that the little girl felt loss, confusion, sadness and, by then, fear.  Growing up, I did not think the loss of my mother affected me much.  Sure, my life was different than other children's because I did not have a mom, but I was fine, I was strong, I did not need a mother. It was not until, as an adult, I understood that the loss of my mother created an insecurity in me that translated into everything I did or thought.  I feared loss more than anything.  I held on to people, situations and things that were no longer needed and often not beneficial for me. I feared change of any sort and longed for a sense of continuity, solidarity, comfort, and security.  In my mind, security could only come from consistency.  I loved routine.  Being in a rut was comfortable for me.  Knowing what I was going to do from hour to hour was reassuring to me.  In my rut, I felt as though I were in control.  Life could not surprise me because I was in control.  No one could hurt me because I was in control.  Except, I wasn't.  I tried to be, but there is no way to control life. You can try and try, but you cannot control everything that happens every moment.  And, that is when fear sets in. 


As soon as something felt out of control, as soon as an unexpected or unwanted change occurred, as soon as someone followed a different script, the scary physical results of fear would begin.  I had lost control - well, the illusion of control.  I could not predict what would happen.  I had to worry.  Worry was the only alternative because worry would put me back in control - or so I convinced myself.  Worry replaced sleep, food and recreation.  I not only worried myself, but wanted everyone else around me to worry.  What is wrong with them?  Why aren't they worried?  How can they sleep when there is so much to worry about?  How can they watch TV when there is so much to be concerned about?  WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM?


On Facebook today someone posted:  Life starts when fear ends.  I know this is true.  In recent years I have learned to push most fears aside and I am successful often, but I still fall into old patterns.  In the time it took me to write this, one of my fears has already dissipated when a lack I feared would occur, did not.  I feel silly.  I have evolved enough to know fear and worry are blocks for manifestation.  I also know the Universe is on my side and I have nothing to fear.  My first reaction is to chastise myself, but that also is not good.  I must remember that growing and learning is a process and as part of that process, I will sometimes regress and I just need to acknowledge my lack of confidence and my backsliding into fear and worry and move forward with more confidence.  

So, I shake out the tension in my neck and the weakness in my arms, I breathe deep and clear the tighteness in my throat.  I smile at myself and thank the Universe for being patient with this work in progress.  


      

5/28/12 Blocks

Over this long holiday weekend, my man and I are house-and-animal sitting for friends who have 40 acres and various farm and domestic pets in the country.  With the exception of Tropical Storm Beryl, our stay has been amazingly relaxing and, for me, contemplative.  I spent hours in the porch hammock reading before the high winds and rains from the storm drove me inside.  I’ve been writing and listening to CDs.  As much as I love the high energy and activity in my own home, this country vacation has been restorative for me and I thank my friends for the opportunity to stay in their lovely, quiet, peaceful home. 

One of the CD sets I listened to was “The Missing Secret” by Joe Vitale and I have to share some insights I experienced.  When I first started learning about the Law of Attraction, someone recommend Vitale’s book “The Attractor Factor” and although I received some good pointers and information about the Law of Attraction from his book, I did not learn as much as I hoped because, honestly, I was turned off by “Mr. Fire”, Joe Vitale.  He fit my conception of a used car salesman.  He seemed slick, too jazzy, too concerned with material things.  He uses his own successes as springboards for teaching others how to reach their own dreams,  often talking about his beautiful homes, his fleet of cars and other material signs of wealth and success he has accumulated.  I decided he just did not resonate with me, so I chose to study other writers and teachers.  A couple of years ago I played a game at a Law of Attraction seminar and I won Joe Vitale’s CD set “The Missing Secret”.  I never intended to listen to it.  I knew what he was all about, or so I thought, and I could better spend my time listening to or reading someone else’s works.  I kept “This Missing Secret” though, thinking I would pass it on to someone else who might not be turned off by Mr. Fire, but I never did.  The CD set stayed in my possession and recently started showing up regularly in different places in my house.  I only have one copy of the CD set, but it seemed like there were a half dozen or more as I found what appeared to be one after another, here and there.  I took that as a sign, brought the CD set with me and just finished listening to the CDs this afternoon. 

Joe Vitale says that “The Missing Secret”, the part of manifesting that was not covered fully in “The Secret”, is about blocks and how to clear them.  We all have limiting beliefs - beliefs we think are reality, but aren’t - they are simply our beliefs based on some experiences we had, or perhaps even a belief absorbed from someone else such as a parent, teacher, friend or spouse.  They are not reality; they are conceptions or, more often, misconceptions.  “I am dumb”, “I cannot handle money”, “If it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all”, “Life sucks and then you die”, “You cannot trust anyone”, etc.  I immediately identified one of mine: “Money disappears.” 

Once a limiting belief, or block, is identified, Vitale gives instructions for clearing the block.  I know my belief that money disappears originated with my father, who inherited substantial amounts of money several times in his life, but never could hold on to any of it and died with little to his name.  In the early 60's he invested heavily in the stock market with money he inherited from his Aunt Edith.  Once his funds were totally engaged in the market he started playing with options, which is basically borrowing money to invest.  Then, President Kennedy was shot - an unpredictable event that caused the stock market to plummet.  My father’s options were called, which means he had to pay up what he owed on the borrowed funds, and that amount was much greater than all his stocks were worth after the assassination.  He lost everything he had invested in the market and the cash he had not invested.  He nearly lost our home and his business, too. 

As a child, I could not possibly understand what occurred, but with my limited ability to comprehend what I saw happening in our household, I walked away with a belief that money just disappears and that the stock market is a terrible place to put your money.  Those beliefs are not reality.  Money does not really disappear.  It may go away, but not of its own volition.  Money does not wish to harm us.  Money is energy and its “life” comes from how we use its energy.  Many unpredictable events can affect the retention or accumulation of money, but how we use our energy and the energy of money can be managed.  Many people have done very well investing in the stock market, so my belief that the stock market makes money disappear is just not true. 

Realizing that money does not really disappear and the stock market is not some magician that transforms cash into a wisp of smoke, does not necessarily give me the right answers about how to use or multiply money, but it does put me back on the right track of understanding money.  The stock market may or may not be a good place to invest money at any given time, but it is not always a bad place.  My father invested all his expendable money - not a wise move.  Then, he became greedy and invested money that was not his.  He used his energy and the energy of his money and the energy of the borrowed money poorly and paid the price.  The belief I formed about money and the stock market was based on what looked like reality, but it was only a belief based on my father’s poor energetic use of money.

Maybe the stock market is not the best place for me or for you to invest, but that should be a choice we make based on real facts, not hazy childhood memories and fears.  My false reality about money and the stock market is a block that I need to clear.  But, as I was listening to Joe Vitale, I realized my opinion of him was also a block.  I had not listened to his CD set for two years because I had a particular negative image of him - an image I did not like.  That belief I had about him was limiting my ability to learn what he may have to teach me.  I don’t know Joe Vitale.  Maybe he is a great guy.  Truthfully, sometimes, even with my knowledge of the block I have regarding him, he still turns me off.  I need to clear that block, too.  But, my true moment of clarity was when I realized I don’t have to like Joe Vitale - liking him as nothing to do with learning from him.  I need to release whatever block I have regarding him, but I don’t have to like him.  I just need to accept him as he is and open myself to learning from him.  Maybe his methods don’t work the best for me; maybe I can learn faster and better from someone else, but that does not mean I cannot learn anything from him.  And, the reality is, I did learn from him today.     

As children in school, we were forced to attend classes taught by teachers we may or may not have liked.  Most of us learned better when we had a connection with a teacher, but that does not mean we did not or could not learn from our less favored instructors.  I think, because we usually can control who we learn from as adults, we are quick to avoid someone that may turn us off, someone with whom we cannot resonate, as I did with Joe Vitale.  But, maybe, just maybe, that annoying teacher is the one we need to hear.  I had to set aside my beliefs about Joe Vitale today and allow him to talk to me.  And, I am glad I did.  Brings to mind a science teacher I had as a teenager.  Everything about him annoyed me  - he was harsh and demanding - nothing soft and fuzzy about that guy.  Also, he had a very thick German accent that was hard to understand.  I had to sit through his class and I had to do well to get into college.  I forced myself to go beyond my initial dislike of him and  to become accustomed to his accent so I could understand what he was saying.  Slowly the “forcing” dissolved and I found myself easily listening and learning from him.  Without realizing it, my forced situation had helped me clear a block.  I never cared for science, but I learned to love his class.  I learned more from him than any other teacher in my high school career.  And, when I had to move away in the middle of the school year, the only time I cried saying good-bye to my teachers was with him.  I was shocked when he told me that he started off the school year not liking me, too!  He thought I was one of “those literature types” who have no desire and feel no need to learn about science or math.  He, of course, had no choice but to teach me and was surprised when he discovered that I had an inquiring mind about everything and that I posed engaging questions.  I became his favorite pupil that year, as he had become my favorite teacher. 

If we hold tight to our beliefs, we will limit our ability to learn and to grow.  Figuring out a block is really not that hard; clearing it may be more challenging, but taking the time and effort to release it will open us up to new experiences and learning opportunities.   

5/12/12 Peaceful Visualization

I’ve been spending the last week searching for peace - peace in my home, peace in my relationships and peace with the passing of my mother.  After two weeks of turmoil, life has settled down considerably, but peace continues to feel elusive.  This experience has helped me to realize how terribly important peace is to manifesting and visualizing.  When dodging emotional land mines, the meditative state that is best for visualization is difficult to access.  In fact, rest and even sleep are hard to come by.

The kind of peace that is needed is not PEACE as in world peace or even a complete lack of conflict in one’s personal life (although, both of those would be wonderful).  This peace is time free from physical, emotional and mental disturbances.  Even just a few minutes a couple of times a day may be enough.  Although I was able to get some quiet time (no noise), my mind and emotions were still very loud with their unsettlement.  I believe much of the agitation was rooted in a bone-weary tiredness from nights of restless sleep and days of unbalance.  Even as my life has calmed in the last five days, the remnants of disquietude lingered.  Today is better, but there is still healing to be done.  I remind myself that it is all a process and I must take one step at a time, allowing myself time to absorb, adjust and regroup. 

No one can overestimate the importance of personal peace.  You may run all day long with work, family and other obligations, tackling big and small problems, but if you can carve out a few moments of physical quiet, even if just before you fall asleep, and if you can access mental and emotional balance, you can reach a meditative-like state that is chatterless and ripe for visualization and manifestation. 

If I could recommend only one book for those who want to learn more about manifesting, it would be “Creative Visualization” by Shakti Gawain.  I don’t know of  another author who so clearly and precisely explains and describes the practice of using “the power of your imagination to create what you want in life” (quoted from “Creative Visualization” by Shakti Gawain).  Her original book was written in 1978 and was a word-of-mouth success because she so easily presents what some may find to be difficult-to-understand concepts.  She recommends doing visualizations two or three times a day - the most important times being when first awaking and just before sleeping as those are the times when our minds tend to be less busy.

Gawain recommends complete relaxation to perform a visualization.  Deep relaxation allows your brain waves to slow down, thereby becoming more receptive to any introduced thoughts or images.   Breathing very deeply and slowly may help if you have difficulty calming your mind.  When you feel comfortable, peaceful and receptive, think about what you want to create.  Imagine it in detail.  If you have difficulty producing an actual mental picture (some people are more visual than others), think of it in detailed words that describe exactly what you wish to attract, and you may even write down the words,  or use a vision board and gaze intently at photos or drawings or any other sort of representations of your desire.  Always think of your desire in the present tense.  Try to imagine yourself doing or being or having whatever it is you want.  Place yourself in the scene or in the situation.  Since I want to manifest a home in Mount Dora, I see myself walking the streets or sitting at Gilbert Park or living in a home there.  My images are detailed and I can feel and smell and even taste what living in Mount Dora would be like.  Maybe you want to manifest running a 10K race.  See yourself running the race, imagine the other racers around you and the sights that go by as you run, hear the sounds of athletic shoes hitting the pavement, smell the sweat, feel the sun on your shoulders and perspiration trickling down your neck .  Make it as real as possible.  Be part of the image.  Feel it.  Taste it.  Smell it.  Hear it.

If thoughts of disbelief or fear creep in, acknowledge them and go back to your visualization.  Trying to force away negative thoughts tends to strengthen them.  Just allow them to come and go and perhaps say “thank you” for the warning because our negative thoughts really are warnings - sometimes unnecessary, often unwanted and occasionally obsessive, but warnings nonetheless.  So, thank your mind for the warning and let the negative thought float away.  Using an affirmation to reverse the disallowing thought often helps.  In my case, if I am thinking about Mount Dora and a thought comes into my mind that I cannot afford to move there at this point in my life, I say to myself, “The Universe is providing exactly what I need when I need it to create my new home in Mount Dora.”  If affirmations do not come easily to you or if you have never even tried using affirmations, “Creative Visualizations” has several that you can use for most situations.  Also, Louise Hay, author of many inspirational books, has created hundreds of affirmations for almost any imaginable situation or illness.  Even if you have no negative thoughts, affirmations are still an important part of visualizations and Gawain recommends using them regularly in your daily practice.  Affirmations should be short in length, stated in the present tense and composed of positive words.  Say “I am getting healthier with every moment that passes”, rather than “I don’t want to be sick anymore.”  The first statement is positive and in the present, the second is negative and in the future. 

Although early morning and pre-sleep are two of the best times to visualize, any time that you can relax deeply will work.  And, even when you are not able to take a break and relax, Gawain recommends taking a few moments during your day to access what you visualized that morning or the night before.  With practice, just bringing an image of your desire into your mind, even for a few seconds, will be an automatic trigger for your body and your mind to relax.  

One of my favorite recommendations in “Creative Visualization” is to end each practice with the words “This, or something better, now manifests for me in totally satisfying and harmonious ways, for the highest good of all concerned.”  So, what does that mean?  First, always leave your intent open for something better.  Our imaginations are often limited by past experiences and fears.  You may only be able to see yourself finishing that 10K race, but the Universe/God/Source sees you winning the race.  Always leave a door open for something more than you can imagine.  Also, because we may sometimes desire something that is not completely the best for us, asking that it be “totally satisfying and harmonious” allows some wiggle room for our own inability to see all sides of what we want.  And, finally, because what we wish for will inevitably affect others, we request that it should manifest in a way that is “for the highest good of all concerned”. 

Remember that you cannot manifest negative desires and you cannot manifest for someone else.  Manifesting is a spiritual practice, so your desires should be positive in nature and be seen as manifesting in positive ways.  You may be visualizing winning that 10K race but if you fear your chances are slim because of a better runner in the race, you cannot visualize your competitor leaving the race with a sprained ankle, allowing you to be the victor.  Simply imagine yourself running and winning the race and let the Universe figure out how to make that happen.  And, if you close out your visualizations with the statement above, you leave the door open for winning the race in record-setting time - something you may not have thought possible!  And, although we share our lives with others, we cannot manifest on someone else’s  behalf nor can we use them to manifest for ourselves.  For example, you may want to have more money, but you cannot successfully manifest a new job for your spouse unless your spouse also wants to manifest that job. 

Although the man in my life wants to live in Mount Dora and was completely supportive of my manifesting project, he was not actively participating.  I knew that his lack of participation was affecting me because I always imagine us both there and I cannot manifest for him.  Fortunately, he is now a willing and active participant in Manifesting Mount Dora and that, along with a little rest, will energize me to rev up my manifesting for the upcoming week. 

5/2/12 Women at Fifty

The last few days have been hard.  As to be expected, I am dealing with grief from my mother’s passing.  She did not want a funeral or service of any kind, leaving me considering ways that I can have a personal service to bring about a feeling of closure.  My sleep is peppered with memories of her and I wake up feeling unrested and unsettled.  There are also legal issues regarding her estate and with the help of a dear friend in her state, I am doing what I can from here to help with those problems.  Eventually, I will have to go there, but until certain issues are settled, my ability to accomplish much is limited.  I am also dealing with some tensions and issues in my own household that are additional burdens I don’t need right now.  I feel sad, drained and very off-kilter. 

So much of manifesting centers around feeling and being positive and although I am doing the best I can, I often feel too tired or overwhelmed to channel energy into anything but the tasks and concerns at hand.  I struggle just to find a place of peace from which I can operate.  I am still manifesting Mount Dora, but I think my focus on that needs to take a backseat to other, more immediate issues.  Life often moves us in other directions, if not permanently, at least for awhile.  I still gaze at my Manifesting Mount Dora Closet Door Vision Board, especially when I am searching for that elusive place of peace or when I just need a break from all that is swirling around me.  My Intention is out there in the Universe and Mount Dora is waiting patiently for me.  Although I am emotionally overwhelmed right now, my reconnection with writing won’t let me skip my blog for more than a couple of days and this evening I felt a strong need to write about something.  And, really, just how much can I or should I write about my grief and issues?  Time to go in a different direction. 

I spoke with a co-worker today about her move this week from the house she and her husband shared for many years to an apartment where she will live alone, planning a new life as a single woman.  She mentioned how turning 50 makes you think differently.  I know - the year I turned 50 was when I also left my husband.  I don’t know about men, but for many women, 50 is the year of liberation - the year we stop thinking of everyone else and start thinking of ourselves - the year we stop being cautious and careful and considerate.  Turning 50 is more than a birthday, it is an independence day.  For most women, by the age of 50, the children are grown or at least out of high school and for once they can think of themselves as something other than mothers.  At 50, we have come to accept that we are no longer the young girls that we once were.  In our 40's we are able to fool ourselves into thinking that with exercise and diet we can still look and act like we did at 20.  By 50, we know differently and can gradually create and accept a new vision of ourselves.  We do not and will never again look 20 and we learn to not only to accept, but also to embrace, that knowledge.  Freedom comes when we no longer feel the need to live up to some unrealistic ideal.  We relax more and choose to be comfortable rather than fashionable.  Wisdom is treasured more than trends, reflection more than distraction.  At 50, we can start thinking, perhaps for the first time, about what we want to manifest for ourselves.   I am sure my co-worker will begin figuring out who she wants to be in the second half of her life.  She probably is not aware of manifesting or the Law of Attraction, but she will spend her new alone time trying to figure out who she is as a single woman and what she wants to create for herself in the years to come.  She may feel lonely right now, maybe sad, maybe disappointed, maybe even fearful, but with time she will come into her power, the power she claimed when she dared to think of a life different than the one she’d been living for 29 years.  Power does not always start out feeling powerful.  It often feels small and frightened and confused, but that is just dormant power - the seed of power that sits waiting until the environment is right, until all the tears have been shed and all the regrets wiped away and all the fears put to rest.  In the rich soil watered by a woman’s tears, power grows and blooms.  Watch closely -  a woman coming into her power is a magnificent sight.  

4/21/12 An Amazing Day

Friday I had lunch with a dear friend who has seen me through the ups and downs of many situations through many years.  I shared with her some of the challenges and stresses in my life right now and she was surprised at how well I was responding - how I was not trying to fix everything and everyone as she has seen me attempt to do in the past.  I knew that my recent reactions have been out-of-character for me - in a very good way - but having someone else confirm my own observation was encouraging. 

Today I attended the Spiritual Connections Faire held at the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship here in my town.  These gatherings of psychic, card readers, intuitives, channelers, healers and vendors happen about three times a year and I have been attending for at least five years.  My yoga teacher, Shenna Benarte, is also a Medicine Card reader so I have a tradition of going to her for a reading at these fairs.  We have both chuckled over the fact that I see her nearly every week and could have a reading any time I want, and sometimes I do, but I like to continue the tradition of my readings with her at this particular fair.  If I feel inclined, I may also have a session with another reader, psychic or intuitive, but today I only visited her.  The reading revolved around many of the stressors in my life right now and the consistent advice was to back off and let everything unfold without my direct interference or control.  I should be in a loving space of support, but should not try to “fix” anything or anyone - exactly what I have been practicing for the first time in my life.  The reading confirmed that those around me have lessons to learn and the events, often negative in nature, that are occurring are obstacles for them to overcome on their paths to self-enlightenment and I just need to be a compassionate observer.  The cards also confirmed that Mount Dora is on my path and I was very uplifted by that.  To me, readings are the same as counseling - the cards help to guide and counsel without predicting the future.  Yes, the cards said Mount Dora is on my path, but I guarantee that should I waver from my path, I will never manifest a home in my favorite little town no matter what the cards said.  The confirmation that my focus is on target is comforting, though.

I also had a Reiki session with Dee Mitchell, a Reiki master, healer and teacher.  Dee is a powerful woman and she and my man have a strong bond.  When he experienced some health challenges five years ago, her Reiki greatly elevated his healing process and although he was not a believer in Reiki when he had his first session with her, he certainly is now and never misses the opportunity to experience her healing Reiki power.  I have Reiki when I feel inspired to do so and today I did.  I rose from her table feeling refreshed, energized and amazingly peaceful.  Dee even commented that my energy was very strong and positive today. 

My next session at the fair was with Gail ‘n’ Ron, a couple who used to attend the Prosperous Living meetings that I co-created and co-hosted.  They worked together using light touch, deep breathing, kinesthetic movements and affirmations to put my body in a state of relaxation deeper than I’ve ever known before.  The experience was unusual, in a good way, slightly unsettling but also very grounding and inspiring and amazingly profound.  Gail said that my crown chakra was wide open and flowing with energy.  In the past, when participating in other energy healing practices, I was always told that my crown chakra was closed or partially closed.  In case you are not aware of chakras, the first teachings of these wheel-like energy centers of the body came from Hindu texts and are also prominent in Buddhist practices.  Traditionally, there are seven major chakras, or energy centers, in the body and each one regulates certain bodily, emotional and spiritual functions, each is associated with a particular gland and with a combination of emotions.  When a chakra is blocked or closed, the functions associated with it are also closed off, resulting in physical, psychological and/or spiritual imbalances which may develop into illnesses, diseases and physical pain and discomfort as well as personal crises.  Chakras that are out of balance or blocked can be opened up using color therapies (each chakra is associated with a particular color that stimulates it), meditation, sound therapies, yoga, EFT, guided visualization, aromatherapy, affirmations, positive thinking - in other words, by practicing what also activates the Law of Attraction!  The crown chakra, my problem spot, is located at the top of your head and is associated with your brain, pineal gland and nervous systems, as well as the emotional states of peace, self-awareness, clarity and divine acceptance.  A closed crown chakra can result in depression, fear, hopelessness, confusion, apathy and spiritual weaknesses.  The crown chakra is the mother of all chakras and an open, vibrating crown chakra indicates that all the other chakras are in relatively good shape and that the person is on or is discovering his/her spiritual path.  Learning that my crown chakra is open and vibrating with energy confirmed that I am on the right path for me.  I felt energized, inspired and drained.  I know, it seems impossible to feel energized and drained at the same time, but that is exactly how I felt.  My spirit was soaring, but my body was saying it needed to rest and assimilate all the energy work it experienced at the fair.  Although I’d plan to remain at the fair longer, going home and taking a nap seemed like the best action to take. 

I spent the rest of my day allowing my body and spirit to speak to me.  Although I had a long list of tasks to complete this weekend, I chose instead to spend the evening at Wild Iris Books with my man.  I had a healthy, delicious meal at Café Colette in Wild Iris and then spent a couple of hours reading, writing and perusing the books for sale.  The energies in the café and the bookstore are healing and inspirational for me so I go there often to re-charge and to access my creativity.  My to-do list is undone, but the vibration of my crown chakra is off the charts!

Today I followed intuition and spiritual guidance and created a day that was healing and energizing.  We cannot always choose to do exactly what we want to do when we want to do it.  Life is too complicated.  We have many demands on our time, many responsibilities.  But, each of us needs a day like I experienced.  A time to nurture yourself physically, spiritually and emotionally. 

4/14/12 Manifesting Manhattan and My Man

Like many Southerners, I once viewed mega-cities, such as New York, with distrust and even a little fear.  Although I was born in Baltimore, lived in Atlanta and had family in Chicago, I was raised in the country and felt more comfortable in rural areas or very small cities.  To me New York City seemed unfriendly and unsafe.  My husband disliked crowds, so we avoided cities of any size.

In 1998, my marriage was crumbling.  My husband and I were like roommates who did not like each other very much.  I was depressed, I was cynical, I was lonely.  And, that was the year the movie “You’ve Got Mail” was released. 

Starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks, “You’ve Got Mail” was a romantic comedy set in Manhattan.  For me, “romantic” and “Manhattan” meant the movie had two strikes against it.  I attended the movie with my then sister-in-law and her daughter.  Through the show, my face was frozen in disgust.  Who believed this drivel?

Unbelievably, I sat through the movie again with some girlfriends who wanted to see it.  Second time around, I was more annoyed than disgusted, but I was also a little interested, in some strange inexplicable way.  Afterwards, to my surprise, I thought about the movie often.  When the video was released, I bought it and chastised myself for being so silly. 

I watched the video over and over and over again.  I woke up in the middle of the night and went to the living room and watched it.  I could not seem to stop watching it.  Was I going crazy?  Why was I doing this?  Thus began my first manifesting experience, although I was unaware of what I was doing or why I was doing it.  Without knowledge of The Law Attraction, I could not understand my fascination with the movie or comprehend that the movie could actually help me create a new life. 

My bizarre preoccupation with “You’ve Got Mail” lasted for about a year, but even after my obsession subsided, I continued to watch it two or three times a year.  From that movie, grew a very strong desire to visit Manhattan.  I wanted to walk the streets of the Upper West Side.  I wanted to visit Riverside Park.  I wanted to experience the city that once frightened me.  I remained cynical about romance, but I wanted to be wrong; I wanted to believe in love again. 

Little did I know that I was manifesting in the purest way possible.  Long before I knew about the Law of Attraction and before “The Secret” was created, before my daughter entered my life, before I left my husband, I was manifesting Manhattan and my new man-to-be. 

Six years after the release of “You’ve Got Mail”, I met my man.  He differed from Tom Hanks in many ways, but he was romantic and he lived many years in New Jersey, right across the river from Manhattan, a city he visited as often as he could.  He knew the streets of Manhattan well and he also loved the movie “You’ve Got Mail”.  From the first time we watched the movie together, it became “our movie”.  He told me where the movie scenes were located in Manhattan and shared many stories of his times in the city.  My desire to see Manhattan, born from the movie, became a longing, a very strong wanting that was nurtured by his stories.  

Another five years would pass before we were able to go to Manhattan, but I finally walked the streets I’d seen in “You’ve Got Mail” and visited all the city places my man so often told me about.  Since then, we have returned two more times and try to visit there every year now.  I love Manhattan and being there with my man is romantic, fun and exciting. 

I believe, without a doubt, that I manifested my man and Manhattan through my preoccupation with “You’ve Got Mail”.  I cannot explain why my opinion of the movie changed or why I became obsessed with it, but obviously that film was filling some need in my life.  By watching it many times, I attracted a man to love, a man who also loved Manhattan and would later delight in introducing me to his favorite city. 

Right now, we are all manifesting, whether we realize it or not.  We may be manifesting the same sort of experiences that currently fill our lives - perhaps they are good, perhaps not.  We may need a change and, without realizing it, we start creating that change by focusing on something different.  In my case, the “something different” was a movie. 

If we can manifest without knowledge, without conscious effort, imagine what we can do when we put the Law of Attraction to work purposefully!

3/30/12 Daring To Dream

“Daring to dream what is deepest in our collective longings is what makes us most human and fully alive.”   Wendy Wright, The Vigil


My Manifesting Mount Dora Project, during its slightly more than one week of existence, has been a challenge, has spawned creativity and fun, and has made me feel more alive than I’ve felt in a long while.  And, as is the case with many new passions, I have been left exhausted at times, but the good kind of tired, when you feel spent and rest is a reward for your efforts.

The challenges continue and sometimes seem to be racing toward me like Seabiscuit to the finish line.  Again, I feel like I am under attack and sometimes from the very ones that I would expect to shield, comfort and inspire me.  Is my new found passion making others uncomfortable?  Or, are my actions exposing something uncomfortable within themselves?  Am I changing in ways that others don’t appreciate? I don’t know, may never know.  I just keep moving forward.  I look for anything and everything that shines with positivity.  I smile when I feel like shouting or crying or sighing or running far, far away.  And, believe me, that has happened more than a few times this week. 

I had a conversation with a friend the other day who is facing a great change in his life and, although he is an advocate of change and has recreated himself many times, this change  has been forced upon him at a time that feels inconvenient and frightening.  He did not initiate the change and is reluctant to face upheaval at this time in his life.  Oddly, he admits that the very change that is occurring was something he started to initiate, something he wanted, twice during the last decade, but put off because he was feeling so comfortable where he was and with what he had.  The change was, at one time, what he wanted, but he did not follow the calling.  A few years ago, the change he faces now was knocking on his door as opportunity, but he turned it away and now the change has knocked down his door and rattled his windows.  He started the game and became too comfortable, too complacent and decided to sit out an inning and then another and then another.  Now he is being called in to play and he may go out to the field reluctantly or with vigor.  He will choose vigor.  I know him.  For a few days or a couple of weeks he will mourn what he is losing and, in the process, shake off the cobwebs that have gathered.  He knows the game well, he knows he must play creatively with confidence and determination.  He will play and he will win. 

Complacency is merely being comfortable for too long.  We all need a rest.  Sitting on the front porch admiring the fruits of our labors and watching the world parade by is okay - for awhile.  My paternal grandfather, who passed before I was born, worked six days a week, ten or more hours a day from the age of 14 until his retirement at 68 years of age.  He deserved to rest.  He and my grandmother moved to a cabin on a lake and he sat on the porch and did nothing until he died a few years later of what was then called hardening of the arteries.  Maybe his arteries hardened due to a high fat diet or maybe because he stopped moving - not just moving forward, but moving at all.  Not just physical movement, but mental, spiritual and emotional movement, too.  He just stopped.  

Life has stages.  We rush to the next stage or we enter it unwillingly or even unknowingly.  We may try to hold it at bay, but it will come.  We can welcome it, dread it or even deny it, but it will come.  When you enter the next phase of your life, you are swept up in changes - a new school, a new love, a new job, a new home, the birth of a child, the end of a relationship, the loss of financial security, the death of a loved one - they all require attention, energy and focus.  There may be turmoil or excitement or grieving or joy.  Life is electric.  Time passes with unforgiving swiftness.  And then the climate calms.  A pattern develops and we slow dance through our days.  Life is like the soft underbelly of a kitten.  Even the annoyances and aggravations are easily swept away and forgotten.  We get comfortable.  Then, it starts.  The little waves of electricity return, perhaps as problems or maybe as desires.  We feel unsettled, sleep does not come easily.  The kitten awakes and scratches the hand on his soft fur.  We cry, we bleed, we long, we fight, we dream.  But, we want to be comfortable.  We miss the routine, the knowing of life.  So, we look for switches to shut off the electricity.  We’d rather be in the dark like in a mother’s womb.  We push away the dreams and sleep heavily and deeply.  We hold tight and develop a fear of the unknown.  But, the unknown knows us and its coming again.  And again, and again.  Until one day, it does not just knock on the door, it blows the door in.  

For many years I was in the dark, holding tight with fear, when it was the dark that I should have feared.  I made changes that finally turned on the light and moved me in to a new phase of life.  For almost eight years I have been in a new chapter of my life.  For awhile now, I have felt the knocking on the door.  I can open it or I can nail it shut, but the nails will rust and come loose and sooner or later the door will give way.  I have chosen to open the door.  Manifesting Mount Dora is the opening of the door. 

“Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid of standing still.”   Chinese Proverb