Vulnerability Among Friends

I am still on the subject of vulnerability and still praising the work of Brené Brown.  If you missed my recommendations of her books in previous blogs, I will list them again:

Daring Greatly
The Gifts of Imperfection
The Power of Vulnerability

Vulnerability is when we choose to go outside our comfort zone; when we risk failure and ridicule to dare to do something different, to be someone different, to stretch and grow.  Vulnerability is uncomfortable for the one practicing it and often for those observing it.  When we are vulnerable, we bare our souls and open our hearts, and that can be scary, can make us feel nervous and ill-at-ease, but it can also be exhilarating, freeing and life-changing.   When we watch someone else being vulnerable, we squirm, feel awkward, are at a loss for words, or if we do speak, usually say the wrong thing - not something supportive and loving, but words that criticize, judge, ridicule and hurt.

When I chose to leave my husband and create a new life, I was being vulnerable.  When I began a new relationship, I was being vulnerable.  After a long married life of predictability and fear of the unknown, I chose to be vulnerable enough to dare to choose a new life.  I thought my "friends" would be supportive and happy for me.  Some did and those are still my friends today.  Others did not and, eventually, I no longer considered them friends.  Some of them were never really my friends to begin with, as they later proved,  and some were just not ready to accept the changes I was making.

My vulnerability raised issues for them.  Some wanted to make similar changes, but were afraid.  Watching me change, brought their fears to the surface.  Others resented what I was doing - either because they wanted to do the same and could not or would not, or their ideas of what is good and bad behavior raised judgments that what I was doing was wrong.  Some may have just feared change of any kind - even in someone else's life.  Either way, I made them uncomfortable and they did not know what to do with that feeling of unease so they lashed out at me with criticism, judgement and even ridicule.  And, honestly, in the past, I often behaved the same with others who made me uncomfortable with their vulnerability.

Sometimes looking at someone else is like looking in a mirror.  I am miserable and when I look at you I see someone who is miserable and we form a friendship based on our mutual unhappiness.  But, as soon as one of us dares to be vulnerable and go looking for happiness, the other feels betrayed.  The one left behind, let's call her Eva,  may not say these words, but she is thinking them, at some deep level, "How dare you go looking for happiness and leave me behind!"  What follows is fear.  Eva fears that I will find happiness and she never will.  Eva fears that our friendship will never be the same.  Eva fears that I will find happiness, then fall flat on may face, thereby confirming that her fear of happiness is justified - it never lasts and it leads to pain.

At first Eva's fear leads to her expression of all the dire consequences that could arise from my actions.  In the case of my marital separation, I heard, "You are too old to start over", "You will face all kinds of financial problems", "You will miss your home", "You were closer to your husband's family than your own and you will lose them", "You are moving too quickly", "Your problems with just follow you", "You will alienate your friends and family", "You are letting your heart rule your mind", "You will have to start all over", "You are not thinking things through", "You are being silly (stupid, immature)".

Once Eva runs out of warnings and predictions of failure, she resorts to criticism and judgement, as did my friends.  "Marriage is forever", "If you failed at this marriage, you will fail at other relationships", "You should not be in a new relationship if you are not divorced yet", "You are being selfish", "This is wrong", "You are wrong".

And, if Eva fails to change my course using criticism, she then recruits the help of others by gossiping.  Surely, if she tells everyone we know what I have shared with her, and what I may not be ready to share with others, they will agree with her that I am on a dangerous course and jump on her bandwagon to pull me back into the "real world".  That is exactly what happened, especially with my very own "Eva" who was quick to tell everyone where I had gone wrong.  Some she told did join in her chorus of criticism, some were uninterested, and others were insulted by Eva including them in her gossip circle and openly came to me with words of support and encouragement.

When my course of action did not change, even after Eva's gossiping, she resorted to treating me with rudeness, especially around our mutual friends, and then to exclusion - purposefully, leaving me out of activities, lunches, dinners, movies and other group activities.  

I was slow to react.  So much was changing in my life, so fast, that the resulting vulnerability was scaring me a little.  I felt like I needed the comfort of old relationships.  But, soon there was no comfort in those relationships.  The day I realized I was no longer gaining anything from those friendships and, in fact, was being mistreated, I made the choice to move on and leave those relationships in the friendship cemetery.  Doing so was not easy, but it was the right and healthy thing for me to do.

Now, years later, my Eva has made some of the same choices I did.  She opened herself up to her own vulnerability as she made brave and important changes in her life.  We still are not friends and never will be because there is too much distrust from the past, but we are friendlier than we have been in a very long time.

My closest friends now are those that saw and accepted my vulnerability;  who allowed me to change and showered me with support.  But, as time has past, I have forgiven those who were not there for me - those who attacked my vulnerability.  I know that they were uncomfortable and afraid and fear destroys relationships.

Walking Away

I have been thinking about my father a lot recently.  Maybe because of Brene Brown's writing about living an authentic life and dealing with shame and guilt in her book The Gifts of Imperfection and perhaps because someone shared with me their desire to cut a family member out of her life, as I did my father about ten years ago.

My father was a typical mid-20th century husband and father.  He expected to have a stay-at-home wife to raise his children, take care of his needs and provide him with a comfortable home life.  He was open to having several children, as long as he was able to pay for the bills and his wife was willing to take care of them.  I doubt if he, like most men of his time, even thought much about the consequences of having children, other than the cost.  His mind was on his business and children were his wife's concern.

Unfortunately, after the birth of four children and the death of one, his wife, and my mother, checked out of this earthly life at the relatively young age of 39.  I was an infant when she passed and my older sisters were 10 and 7.  Not only was my unprepared father left with three children, one a baby, but those kids were also girls - a fact that seemed to make the situation even harder for him.  His mother came from Chicago and took care of us for about 18 months - long enough for my father to find another wife, my stepmother who passed last year, to raise his kids.  That marriage failed quickly and again he was faced with three daughters to raise without the help of a woman since my grandmother's age prevented her from coming to his rescue a second time.  So, he did the best he could.  His best was not all that good in some ways, but he adequately provided for our physical needs.

My father was not the huggy, warm type of dad.  Not at all like those wonderful widowed TV dads who are wise, generous and loving.  He worked hard - rising at 4 AM to run his business, often working on Saturdays and Sundays.  He was impatient, demanding and unforgiving of mistakes and transgressions.  A glass accidentally dropped and broken was treated the same as if it were hurled purposefully across the room in a fit of anger.  I lost my greatly-needed eyeglasses when I was nine and, as punishment, he refused to buy me new ones.  I spent the next eight years sitting in the front of classrooms, squinting to read the chalkboard and books, and living with almost constant headaches until I went to live with my stepmother and she took me to the optometrist and I soon sported new glasses that allowed me to see so much that I had been missing.

My father had a temper, but he never hit us.  He would yell, he would slam doors, he would subject us to days, weeks and even months of silence for not acting or being who he wished we were.  My two older sisters left home as soon as they graduated high school, leaving me alone to deal with him.  Nothing I did was good enough, right enough or fast enough.  I was an A student, but felt like a failure.  When I was 14 we had a silly argument over who sang a song and he stopped talking to me - for months.  I became depressed; my friends and teachers worried about me.  A guidance counselor intervened and eventually my father allowed me to go live with my stepmother in another state.

At first, I was just relieved and happy to have him out of my life, but since my stepmother forced me to stay in contact with him, I soon fell back into the old pattern of wanting to please him and never being able to do so.  He visited me and I visited him a few times over the next three years.  Then, I ended up moving to the state where he had settled and we even lived in the same town for a couple of years.  He traveled a lot with his business, which allowed us to maintain an almost normal and friendly relationship.  Then I moved 100 miles away to go to college and within a year, I was married.  My husband I moved to another state.  My father visited whenever he was traveling through our city.  Eventually, after he retired, we ended up living in the same state again and for three years, my father resided in a mobile home on the property where my husband and I had built our home.

Living so close together was a bad idea.  Our tenuous relationship strained with the constant contact.  My father routinely invaded our privacy, using the "emergency" house key we gave him to enter our home whenever he wanted, even when we were sleeping .  He was rude and argumentative with my husband and my in-laws.  He told lies about us to my sisters.  My marriage bore the stress of the constant problems he caused.  My father became more and more combative, even speaking badly of us to the people in the small town where we lived.  After three years of escalating conflict, he moved to the state where one of my other sisters lived.

I was so relieved to be rid of him, again, but he was soon inching his way back into my life.  Knowing that he was not welcome, he became nicer and I let my guard down, again.  And, eventually, I would regret it, again.  Over and over that happened.  He quickly ruined his relationship with the daughter that he was living near and moved to another state to actually live with my half-sister.  She was so sure that she and dad could occupy the same house in harmony.  Wrong.  And, then it was back to my state, back to me.  He had no place to go, he would be homeless, or so he led me to believe.  No way he could live with my husband and me after the horrible experience we had with him living next door.  So, I bought him a piece of land and a mobile home a mile away.  Even that was too close.  He started out nice and cooperative and seemingly appreciative of all I was doing for him.  That lasted just long enough for the closing on the property to take place.  Then, his ugly side came out again.  Constant complaints and demands.  Nothing I did was good enough. Soon he was telling lies about me to my sisters and his neighbors.  But, I put up with it for eight long years.

Why?  Why would I allow myself to be treated like that?  I kept hoping that if I did enough for him, he would become the dad I always wanted and needed.  Time was running out.  He was aging.  I only had so much time left to finally get the dad I had always hoped for.  I did more and more for him, especially as his health declined and he no longer drove.  And, still he disrespected and criticized me.  Nothing was enough, I was not enough.  The more I did, the more he berated me, the more he complained, the more he demanded.  As he aged, I felt trapped.  How could I break off my relationship with him if his health was declining?  He needed me.  I could not abandon him.  I resigned to a life of his verbal and emotional abuse.  Until. . .

Who knows what causes that moment - that moment in time when you say, "Enough! No more!"  I stopped to check on him one morning on my way to work.  He began berating me for not buying him a car.  His truck had broken down a couple of years before, but he was already rarely driving due to his health.  I took him grocery shopping, to doctor appointments and anywhere else he needed to go.  Then, he got this idea that he could start driving again and that I should buy him a car.  When I refused, he became angry and for weeks he had argued with me about it.  That morning he started the argument anew, but that time he accused me of abusing him.  He said I was a horrible daughter and that he had called a state agency to report me for elder abuse.  I knew he was lying, as he often did, but, for some unknown reason, at that moment something snapped inside me.  No, that is not the correct description - some slammed shut - like a door closing on our relationship.  Without a word, I walked away.  I never saw him again.  I wrote a letter to him, to the VA Hospital that provided his health care and to my sisters stating that I was no longer responsible for him in any way.  He could continue to live on my property, but I had ceased providing him with transportation or any other aid or services.  I detailed some of the psychological and emotional abuse I had experienced from him and declared myself free from any his manipulation and cruelty.  Three years later I received a call from a deputy sheriff informing me that my father had been found dead in his mobile home and had been deceased for several days.  He died alone.  His life did not have to end that way, but his own actions brought about his lonely demise.

The day I walked away from him was a day of rebirth for me.  It was the beginning of my new life - a life that would take a few years to develop, but a life that was in the birthing process. Taking action to leave that abusive situation opened my mind to clearly seeing and evaluating other relationships and situations in my life.   It would lead to the end of my marriage, the terminations of some "friendships" that were unhealthy, the creation of new relationships and a new life.

I am a person who often suffers from guilt.  But, surprisingly, when I walked away from my father that day, I never suffered any guilt or shame about my decision.  Some people were shocked and judgmental about my decision.  My father was usually funny and charming around people he first met or saw infrequently.  Friends and acquaintances of mine could not understand why I had such problems with him or why I cut him from my life.  They saw a man who was putting on a show - a witty man with great magnetism; I lived with a man who was rarely nice to me unless he needed something from me.  Even the disdain and criticism of these people did not affect me.  I was strong and confident in my decision.  My only regret was that I had not walked away long, long before.

Here is what I learned from my decision to walk away:

• You can never mold someone into the person you want them to be. 
• Abuse does not have to be physical.  Emotional and psychological abuse are just as damaging and may even have effects that last longer.
• Leave an abusive relationship as soon as you can.  
• Anyone can be an abuser - your spouse, your partner, a parent, a sibling, a friend - ANYONE.
• No one deserves abuse.  
• Manipulation is abuse. 
• You can change your life, one step at a time. 
• Don't pay attention to those who criticize or ostracize you for removing an abuser from your life. 
• If your friends do not support your decision to remove an abuser from your life, they are not your friends. 
• If other family members do not support your decision to remove an abuser from your life, feel free to remove them, too.
• NEVER feel guilty for doing what is right and healthy for you.  
• There are supportive, loving people in the world and if you are wasting all your time trying to please an abuser, you are missing the opportunity to have wonderful relationships with those people.  

In a way, my decision to walk away that day led to Manifesting Mount Dora.  Back then, I would never have dreamed I could even think about manifesting something wonderful in my life.  In fact, I could not even imagine having a wonderful life.  Now I do.  All because I walked away.  

Change in the Air

I have wanted to write for weeks now - longed to write - but there was no time.  I am still busy at work, more so than I usually am this time of year and I took on an extra one-time job that I thought would be quick and easy, but has evolved into something more complicated and time-consuming than I ever imagined.  I am watching my grandchildren even more than usual while my daughter is working some untypical hours for training at her job.  And, I have been sick, again, or still.  Bronchitis cleared up, allergies started, while allergies were still in full force, a cold commenced.  My energy and my time have been challenged on many levels.  I have longed for Mount Dora to the point that I dreamed about it one entire night this week.  Plans have been made to be there, but not soon enough for this weary woman.

I am feeling more optimistic - a little.  I need more hope and more time that is not filled with obligations.  I need to write more.  I need change.  I need to change.

It all starts with “me” needing to change.  I can hope for those around me to transform.  But, those are truly just wishes and I, or you, really have no power over others.   I can hope for life to take a turn for the better, but that will only happen if I make some effort or institute some changes to help that happen.

I have been thinking a great deal about changes I can make - maybe not big ones, but, at least, little ones.  Sometimes that is all it takes.  Not even changes that seem to relate to desired results, but just changes - small ones that change the energy in my environment.  It is amazing what a change in energy can do for your life.

I have neglected my gratitude journal - something I promised to do daily when I started this project.  My journal fell by the wayside when I was going through so much in December and January.  Overwhelment destroys gratitude.  One change I am making is to be more diligent about my gratitude journal - maybe not every day, but at least several times a week.

I was doing some guided meditations to help me sleep last year, but they became unnecessary when medications knocked me out every night during my various illnesses or when I was so exhausted that I nearly passed out as soon as I laid down.  To add meditation to my “change list”, I have signed up for Oprah’s & Deepak Choprah’s 21-Day Meditation Challenge.  Wish me luck!

The last few weekends I have set aside a few hours to work on my house (again) - straightening, cleaning, organizing, clearing.  My grandchildren are growing and need more room for themselves.  I have concentrated on creating that space for them, which means getting rid of unnecessary stuff that was filling our house.  The work is hard, especially when I am working a lot and still ill, but the results are satisfying.  The house and the energy within it are changing and change is what we need.

Change has to do with starting anew and although all of these activities are good,  they are not really changes - more like reinstatements.  All things I once did, then neglected to do and have now restarted.  What can I do that is truly new, truly different?  I am stumped, but still thinking about it.  It has to be something that does not require a regular schedule or too much time.

For some reason I get stuck - don’t we all?  Stagnant.  Dormant.  Sometimes those states of inertia are necessary.  Rather like a bear in hibernation.  Time out - down time.  A period of rest and healing.  My current stuck-ness does not feel much like rest or healing.   It is more of a busy stuck-ness - a moving-all-around-and-going-nowhere stuck-ness.  A time of too much, rather than too little.  But, it all boils down to the same thing:  either you are inert and going nowhere or you are running in circles and going nowhere.

I need changes that take me off the path of nowhere and on the road to somewhere.  

Just after writing the last sentence, I saw that an email had arrived that I was waiting for.  I put aside my blog writing and read the email.  Then, I saw my Daily Om message - www.dailyom.com - which I had net yet read.  I read the message called Defense Mechanisms and have set it aside as a topic I may want to cover in a future blog post.  Then, my eye caught the list of online classes offered my Daily Om - a list that is always at the end of each daily message, but which I had not noticed or read in a very long time.  One of the classes listed was “The Best Year of Your Life” presented by Debbie Ford.  I was intrigued and clicked on the link.  The class is one lesson for 52 weeks and I signed up for it.  Now that is a truly new change.

Connections

I haven't written in a long time - not here, not anywhere else.  I am still struggling to reconnect with my Manifesting Mount Dora project, but, more than that, life events have interrupted what may have been called "normal".

My man's youngest sibling, a sister, passed away last week after being in a coma for more than a week.  Her  condition and subsequent passing were a shock and his family is still reeling from the loss.

The same day we learned of his sister's condition, one of my dearest friends was hit head-on by a much larger vehicle on the interstate.  Fortunately, she had no life-threatening injuries and no damage to her head, spine, face, neck or internal organs.  However, her body is a jigsaw of breaks, sprains, dislocations and lacerations.  Three operations later, her parts and pieces are reconnected and beginning the healing process, but her recovery will be long and challenging.

These two sad events reminded me how we are all interconnected.  I was not in a coma, I did not die, I was not in an auto accident, I did not go through surgery, but still I was affected by each of these events.  I did not physically feel the pain, but I endured it on an emotional and mental level and I feel the exhaustion of knowing that someone you love is hurting and of the smothering effect of empathy and concern.

Here, the night before Christmas, I feel very disconnected from the holiday hoopla.  I am going through the motions for my grandchildren and my daughter, not feeling the anticipation that normally grows at this time of December.  This year has been so unexpected - sometimes exciting, sad, inspiring and disappointing; often challenging, confusing and discouraging.  Many times I was so hopeful and encouraged and other times I cried for understanding and hope.  Right now, as this year winds to a close, I am taking stock of what I am thinking and feeling.  Weariness is the word that first comes to mind.  I am very tired and no hours of sleep ease the exhaustion.  I have a strong sense of resignation, as though nothing I can do will make a difference.  Intellectually, I don't know if that is true, but that is how I FEEL.  January starts my busiest work time of the year and no matter how deep I delve internally, I cannot find a well of energy big enough to tackle the tasks that come my way at the start of every year.

There is much for which I am grateful. I and my immediate family are relatively healthy.  We have a comfortable home, food on the table and the comforts of modern life.  I have work and a steady income.  My grandchildren fill my life with laughter and love.  My daughter fills me with pride.  My man still makes me laugh and warms our home with song and music.  I know I am blessed.  And, yet I am also disappointed in a deep way I cannot explain in words and I feel guilty and ashamed of this disappointment.

I volunteer at and am on the board of directors for a feminist bookstore.  That store, the two women who own it, the staff, and the patrons feed my soul.  For more than a month, due to family and work responsibilities and all these unexpected events, I have not been able to work at the store or even spend time there.  The store closed last Saturday, temporarily, in preparation of reopening in a different location.  I was excited about the move and all the wonderful changes that come along with it, but I have missed out on the last few weeks at the current location. Friday evening I carved out a couple of hours to go to the bookstore and there my soul was fed.  I shopped the great moving sales, then sunk into a chair and talked to Erica, one of the store owners, who made me feel missed and appreciated.  We talked about everything and about nothing.  It was wonderful.  I relaxed in a way I haven't in several weeks.  I felt a sense of reconnecting with something that had been hiding in a small, dark corner and that is when I wanted to write again.

When I started this blog in March, I thought that by the end of the year I would be closer to manifesting Mount Dora - even if just a little closer - and on this 24th day of December I feel further away that I did in March.  I see clearly than I am still needed here.  My daughter and grandchildren are entrenched in life in our town and I don't see them being ready for a move any time soon.  I also know that I am needed for my injured friend and her partner as the long healing and rehabilitation period starts.  I want to be of assistance in any way I can to make this difficult journey a little easier for them.  And, I can understand that those and other reasons may be why I am not making progress toward the new life I want to create and I am okay with the fact that I am needed right here, right now.  My question is, why almost one year ago, was I given what seemed to be a very clear vision of a life in Mount Dora?  Why was that passion born in me if there is no hope of it becoming reality any time in the near future?  Was I given one more unattainable desire just so I could experience more disappointment?

As I see my friend's life suddenly and unexpectedly changed forever due to an accident she could not avoid, I am even more aware of the fragility of life and that we have no promise of a tomorrow or of a tomorrow that even slightly resembles today.  How many more days do I have to live or how many days do I have to live in a condition even similar to the one I enjoy now?  The life I envisioned in Mount Dora was a life with me as I am now.  Perhaps I could get there 10, 15 or 20 years from now, but that would not be the life that I am visualizing now because I will certainly not be the person I am now.  My vision of life in Mount Dora most definitely includes the man that shares my life now and, with his age being several years in advance of mine, I know that the delay of my manifestation means that he could very well not be present to share it with me or may not be in good enough health to truly enjoy the attainment of a dream we have both nurtured.

As usual, or maybe even more than usual, I have no answers.  I am just a woman writing a blog about - about what?  I am not even sure how to answer that.  Is it still about Manifesting Mount Dora?  Was it ever Manifesting Mount Dora?  Was it about what I want or about who I am or about who I want to be?  I cannot even think that abstractly right now.  I am ending 2012 more confused that I started and I have no idea what to expect or, if I dare, hope for in 2013.

Life is a Labyrinth

Nearly every month my man and I attend a crystal bowl concert/meditation at a local church.  Crystal bowls, also called singing bowls, are bowls of various sizes, but all larger than a typical dinner bowl, made of quartz crystal.  The quartz crystal is extremely resonant, producing lovely, harmonic sounds that you not only hear, but feel throughout your body.  The size and shape of a bowl determines its pitch.  Most bowls sit on the floor or on stands, but some are handheld, allowing the bowl musician to move around a room bringing the intense sounds close to those in attendance.  Crystal bowl concerts are performed for meditation purposes, to ease stress and to balance chakras.  Being present at a crystal bowl concert is a phenomenal experience.  The sounds are simultaneously soothing and vibrant.



At the concerts we attend, people choose to sit in the church seats or ample space is provided for people to lay down, often on yoga mats or blankets where they can rest, meditate and even sleep.  We both leave the monthly concerts feeling calm, centered and relaxed.  Once or twice a year, the church also has a labyrinth set up in the sanctuary.  The labyrinth is used as a walking meditation in conjunction with the crystal bowl concert.  Tonight’s concert included the labyrinth.

A labyrinth is an intricate design of paths that often flow in a circular pattern eventually leading to a center spot, much like a maze.  A walking meditation labyrinth may be a mat made of some sort of fabric that is placed on a large floor, such as a church sanctuary, or it can be a temporary design made of sand or stones in a courtyard.  People follow the paths of the labyrinth, while meditating or praying, until reaching the center where the participants often kneel or stand silently in prayer or meditation.  Sometimes the participants will follow the path from the center back out to the beginning of the labyrinth.  Tonight, as I followed the path of the labyrinth, I contemplated how those circular paths were so much like life.



I prefer linear paths.  Point A leads to Point B in a nice straight line, no detours, no curves, no surprises.  But, life is not linear.  From time to time, we may feel as if we are moving on a straight line, but rarely does that experience last for long.  Life has a way of taking our straight lines and making them elaborate circles, twisting and turning and coming back around as if starting at the beginning again.  Life is a labyrinth.

As I was walking the circular paths tonight, I noticed that a man who started the labyrinth several minutes ahead of me was often walking on a path just inches from my side and the woman who started the walking meditation just seconds in front of me was often on the other side of the labyrinth, as if she had begun long before me or long after me.  Isn't that the way our lives are?  We start off with people, like a sibling, a friend, a partner or spouse, a classmate or a fellow worker, just a little ahead of us or just slightly behind, but as we travel our paths we appear to go in different directions even when traveling the same route.  We are sometimes side-by-side and sometimes distances apart.  At times we may appear to be on a completely different road and other times we nearly bump into each other along our travels.

I noticed that some of the people walking the labyrinth took small, slow steps, while others walked a little faster.  Some paused often to contemplate, while others never stopped until reaching the center.  In life, I've noticed the same.  I started off on the same path as others in my life, but some us often took lengthy pauses and others seemed to rarely pause for more than a moment. Some moved forward slowly, while others reached their goals more quickly.  Some walk softly, some with more determination and some nearly danced.

But, no matter who walks the labyrinth or the journey of life, we each have a circular path.  No one’s journey is a straight line for very long.  Life takes curves.  We are moving straight ahead toward a goal and then there is a curve - one we may have seen coming or one that  takes us by surprise.  The curve turns us back around until we feel like we are starting over, though we never are because we are always moving forward.  Maybe you experience a curve on your path to a career or an educational goal and you find yourself pausing to have a family, to care for someone in need, to grieve a loss, to deal with an illness or a problem, or just to relax, rejuvenate and regroup.  Eventually, you will get around the curve and start in a straight line again, although the goal you are seeking may have changed during the pause.

Life is fits and starts and slow downs and forward races.  It is steady ahead and watch out around the curve.  It is this way, then that way and then back around again.  But, no matter what, life is always forward motion, even when it feels like its not.

Tonight, I noticed that I often appeared to be further from the center of the labyrinth when I was actually nearest and I sometimes was right by the center, just inches away, but I actually had a long way to go on the path until I would truly reach the center.  Life, too, can trick us with illusions.  Our goal may seem terribly far away when the distance to get there is really short or our goal may seem right there, just in front, inches from our noses when, in actuality, our journey has just begun.

This weekend, Mount Dora felt very far away.  I felt like I may never reach my goal of living there and, truthfully, I may not.  I have no idea where my feet are on that journey.  Maybe I am close or maybe not.  Maybe I will reach that goal of living in Mount Dora or maybe I will head around a curve, slow down and realize I was never actually headed there in the first place.  Maybe Mount Dora with be along my path, but I doubt if it will be the final destination of my path.  I will keep circling around, sometimes, moving slow, sometimes speeding up.  I will take the turns and the pauses and sometimes feel like forward motion has stopped.  Then, I will hit a long, straight stretch and the wind will blow through my hair as I race forward feeling triumphant in my progress.  But, no matter how or where I travel, whether the road is straight or curvy, whether my feet are plodding slowly, dancing lightly or racing with the wind at my back, I will make my journey, as you will also, one step at a time, just one step at a time.  

Expectations and Disappointments

I knew Manifesting Mount Dora would be a learning experience for me.  This quest was not just about manifesting soemthing I want, but also about finding answers (or no answers) to questions, seeking enlightenment, embracing change and discerning what really matters.  I have blogged about many lessons that have come my way during the past almost-eight-months and, although I have yet to manifest Mount Dora, I have learned much on this journey and this past weekend presented another learning opportunity. 

Recently, I read "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. Based on native Toltec beliefs, Ruiz teaches about four "agreements" that make life easier and more peaceful.  The agreements are:

Be impeccable with your word
Don't take anything personally
Don't make assumptions
Always do your best

In spite of their simplicity, the agreements are difficult to practice.  Most of us value honesty, but often forget that when we fail to live up to our word, we are are being dishonest.  Most of us make promises without a lot of thought.  I know I am often guilty of wanting so badly to please others, wanting to help out, that I am quick to make a promise without thinking it through.  Do I really have the time or the money to fulfill the promise?  Do I really want to do what I said I would do?  Will the promise create a burden for me?  Should I take on another responsibility right now?  Will fulfilling this promise mean that I must renege on another earlier made promise?

Probably I have the most difficulty with the second and third agreements.  I tend to take everything personally and I make major assumptions, resulting in hurt feelings, misunderstandings and deep disappointments.  Probably, the fourth agreement is the easiest for me as I focus on doing my best whenever I tackle a job. 

My lesson this weekend dealt with my most difficult agreements - don't take anything personally and don't make assumptions.  My birthday is this week. Awhile ago, I made a birthday request of someone, whom I will call "X". I did not ask X for a "thing", but for something X would have to do that would involve others who would also benefit from my gift. X agreed and plans were made.

This past weekend I asked to add one more person to the list of participants and X protested vigorously.  Considering the extra person would require no extra work and is a relatively quiet, pleasant person, I was surprised by X’s negative reaction. I stood my ground and insisted until X relented. 

Later, I was thinking about why X protested the inclusion of that person and although I could not think of a truly good reason, I felt a swirl of negativity around the whole incidence that made me uncomfortable in a way and for a reason I could not identify. My thoughts were waylaid by other activities until later in the day when I noticed X was moody and seemed annoyed. When I pressed for a reason, X went off on a rant about others who would be at the event. X was not complaining about these people participating, but was being critical about other issues regarding them which were not related to my birthday. I disagreed completely with what X was saying and certainly with the way it was being said. In my mind, X was being judgmental without knowing all the facts, but it was very apparent that X had strong feelings, wrongly or rightly.

As I was tending to some chores, I had time to contemplate the two exchanges with X. I realized that the original gift request put X in an difficult position. Had X refused, I would have been hurt. X agreed in an attempt to make me happy and I know X’s intentions were good.  Unfortunately, X was not able to contain negative feelings for others participating in the event and I was hurt by X’s declamation. Ideally, X would have agreed to the event and then would have withheld any negative comments about the attendees until the event was over, but that is not what occurred. I also realized that some of the attendees may have some negative feelings toward X, but, due to their feelings for me, they agreed to participate. Unintentionally, I had created a toxic event for my own birthday.

I broke two of the agreements. I made assumptions that X wanted to do what I requested and that X and the other participants could put aside any negative feelings for one another to make the event successful. Although I am sure the event would have been a success, I had no right to make those assumptions about others. I also had no right to put anyone in a situation where he or she may have felt uncomfortable or resentful. And finally, I let my personal feelings get all mixed up in the situation, something I am very inclined to do. I took X’s unwillingness to include the additional person and X’s verbal explosion personally. My feelings were hurt by statements and words that were not about me.

I chose to cancel the event because it no longer felt "right". There was too much negativity surrounding it. I was not angry nor disappointed because I accepted responsibility for creating an unhealthy situation. That does not mean I agree with X’s rants or attitude, but I accept that X’s feelings are just as real as mine. Perhaps X’s behavior could have been better, but so could have mine. I certainly could have been more sensitive to everyone else’s feelings.

By cancelling the toxic event, a space was created for those who had accepted my previous invitation to plan a new event that was held last night and was a tremendous success. X did not participate, I believe, out of confusion about the whole chain of events. I tried to explain my choice to cancel the original event, but X just did not understand. I felt a little sad that X was not at last night’s event, but I also knew it was the best result for all. And, now X has the opportunity to plan something else for my birthday, if X is so inclined.

In hindsight, I realize I often create toxic situations that leave me disappointed and hurt.  I want everyone I know and love to be together and I want them all to love, or at least respect and like, one another.  Sadly, that is not always the case and, since I am not in charge of everyone else's feelings, I need to accept how they feel and not take their attitudes towards and opinions of others personally.   If I go forward with expectations that rely on the actions of others, I am sure to be disappointed and others may be also. This weekend I learned that if I am forcing something, it probably should not happen.  If I let it go, something better is created in its place. 

　
　
　
　

Starting Today

This morning my daughter was getting her children ready for school in a rush.  The rush part was causing her much stress.  My grandchildren, like my daughter, are not morning people and, although they love school, they would rather get there sometime in the mid-morning than at 8 AM.  They awaken slowly, with much encouragement, often to the point of lifting them out of bed and placing them upright on their feet with their eyes still closed tightly against the start of the day.  And, being only three and five years old, they are easily distracted and efforts to get dressed, brush teeth, comb hair and eat breakfast are often delayed by a toy, a book or a disagreement between brother and sister.  Patience is a must to survive the morning wake-up routine and patience was in short supply for my daughter this morning.  Perhaps she did not sleep well or has not fully recovered from the cold virus that our household has shared this past week or she may have been worried about something.  Maybe, she was just in a bad mood, as we all are from time to time, or perhaps she got up late herself, leaving little time to get the children ready before they had to leave for school.  The result of her lack of patience, however, was a voice-raising, child-crying episode that tainted the start to everyone's morning.  I rose from bed and joined her and the children in the bathroom for the morning teeth-brushing activity and inquired as to why she was raising her voice which was, inevitably, leading to the crying fits of the children.  Understandably, she was quick to blame the children - they don't listen, they don't pay attention, they are too slow - all true statements.  But, they are just little kids who are learning how to get up and get going.  After all, this is only my grandson's second year of school and my granddaughter's first.  To her irritation, I pointed out that her reaction to their actions, or non-actions, was her choice - the children did not cause her to raise her voice, that is what she chose to do.  I would have really been ticked if someone said that to me under the same circumstances early in the morning, so I understand if she was not too thrilled to have me standing there at that moment, but I felt my statement needed to be said.  Unlike me, I hope she learns the lesson that others don't "make" us react the way we do while she is still young enough to incorporate that wisdom into most of her life. I learned that lesson late in life and still sometimes struggle with it.  

My daughter was concentrating on the negative things, which were the children's lack of attention and slow responses, and allowing that to irritate and annoy her.  The more attention she paid to the negative, the more it happened and the more upset she became.  Her reaction was normal, but not helpful.  She could have shifted her attention from what the children were not doing and concentrate on what they were doing.  By shifting her attention from the negative to the positive, the positive would grow.  By not reacting to the negative in a negative way, she would stop the flow of unwanted actions and reactions.  Perhaps, she needed to just accept that they started off their morning late and getting to school on time, while maintaining a level of harmony and cooperation, was not possible.  So, be late this time and make the choice to start the day off earlier and better tomorrow and for all the upcoming days. 

Sometimes when we learn a lesson, when we have a light-bulb moment and something that was confusing becomes clear, when we reach a point when a change is necessary, we just need to decide right then that we will start anew.  Often we put off changes until New Year's Day or our birthday or some other significant date, but when we put off the action of change, we lose the momentum and energy of the lesson as it is happening, or we just forget to later commit ourselves to the new action we want to take.  Pause, take a breath, and say out loud, if possible, what you want to change and commit yourself to make the change immediately.  I will wake up earlier on school mornings.  I will be patient in the mornings.  I will speak kindly and gently to others.  I will - whatever - whatever it is that you choose to change RIGHT NOW.  There is no better time than right now to start new.

My daughter is a good mother, but she, like all of us, have stressful moments and I am using this one incident to make a point about reactions, choices and changes.  We are all in training to be better people.  We all have bad mornings, stressful days, short tempers, sharp tongues and a lack of patience from time to time, but we can all be aware of what is happening - the triggers and our reactions - and choose to change - not tomorrow or next month or at the start of the new year, but today.  By making a conscience decision in the moment and by saying the words of commitment out loud or clearly in our minds, we create a memory that will be triggered the next time we are faced with the same situation.  We make a promise to ourselves and to the Universe that we acknowledge the lesson and are promising to change.

Daily irritations may seem small and not worthy of our attention, but what occurs on any somewhat regular basis accumulates into a heavy cape of negativity that weighs us down and strips us of the positive energy that we need to manifest our desires.  If we can learn to react positively to those negative triggers, or even better, learn to see those negative triggers in a positive way, we can cloak ourselves in positive energy that will protect, energize and inspire us. 

 

Looking Back

This was a saying I saw on Facebook recently: Sometimes you just gotta look back at your past and smile at how far you've gotten.  No name was attributed to the quote, but it was posted by yTravel Blog so I want to give them the credit for it.

Those words made me stop and think.  My birthday is just around the corner and this is a good time to think about the past and how far I've come.  

Life has been moving very fast during the last week.  I was busy catching up at work and at home from my vacation and I watched my grandchildren several times during the week.  There just were not enough hours for all that needed to be done.  When I feel like I am behind in my responsibilities or that I have too much to do in too little time, I begin to feel a little defeated, like I am getting nowhere fast, like my dreams are always pushed into the future.  When that happened this week, I was glad to be reminded to look at my past and see how far I've come.  No, actually, not just see how far I've come, but SMILE at how far I've come.

I took a few minutes to compare the “me” today to the “me” a few years ago.  That difference is undeniably huge - as they say, “ I've come a long way, baby!”  But, what about the “me” of a year ago and the “me” now.  The change is not as remarkable, but still noticeable.  At this time last year, I was not sure what I wanted.  Now I know, and I am working towards manifesting a new home and life in Mount Dora.  I also know that I want to write and am doing  more and more of that.  A year ago, I did not have this blog which brings me so much pleasure and I am even considering starting a second blog.

Last year, my home life was in still in flux as my man and I continued adjusting to my daughter and grandchildren moving in the year before and now we are all settled with routines and schedules involving one another.  A family member who was living with us to help with the childcare moved out this past summer and now I have more of the responsibility for the care for my grandchildren, which is both wonderful and a huge lifestyle adjustment.  Since my daughter is adopted and I never had children of my own, I see this opportunity to help raise my grandchildren as a tremendous blessing that allows me to have an experience I missed during my child-bearing years.  Some family issues that caused turmoil during the past year have mostly been resolved and I am quite content with our home life.

I feel more connected to my home than I did a year ago and am proud of the living and dining room redecorating project that I completed this summer and am looking forward to redecorating another area of our house in these last weeks before the end of 2012.

My work has not changed much, but is chugging along nicely and steadily.  I started volunteering at the last remaining feminist bookstore in Florida, Wild Iris Books, and the experience has been very fulfilling and fascinating.  

My man and I made time to visit Mount Dora more regularly and we just had a wonderful vacation up north.  Since we are spending more time with my grandchildren, we are going on outings with them to the mall, festivals, concerts, restaurants and sometimes just for a long walk.  He and I also joined a gym and enjoy going there two or three times a week to workout.

The biggest change was the death of my mother this year and although I still find myself reaching for my phone to call and see how she is doing, I am at peace with her passing and sometimes feel her presence close to me.  Our relationship, though loving, was also rocky at times and all that seems to have drifted away.  I feel an intense peace and well-being when I think of her and I know whatever issues remained unsettled between us are settled now.

Even when life is hectic, as it usually is, I have a more defined sense of self.  Perhaps there have been no huge victories during the past year, but there certainly were a few accomplishments and many unexpected blessings.

It is easy for me to begin feeling lost and defeated, old and tired, weary and overwhelmed  when life gets too busy and feels out-of-control.  Taking a moment to assess our past and our journey to the present is a good way to be reminded that we've made progress and have blessings to celebrate.  And, we need to SMILE when we think of how far we've come.  We need to feel happy for whatever accomplishments, no matter how small.  We need to remember to celebrate ourselves.

Perhaps a walk down memory lane results in a feeling of defeat.  Perhaps you were better off last year than now.  Perhaps life was easier or happier before and the present looks dismal.  Truth be told, not every year sees us better off than the year before.  Our lives have highs and lows and sometimes the lows seem to last a very long time.  I've definitely been there.  And when you are in the midst of a low, it is hard - really, really hard - to identify anything to feel good about, anything to make you smile.  Look hard, dig deep.  There is always something, even if just a memory of a warm afternoon in a park after a cold winter or a strong cup of coffee one morning when you just could not get your day started or a friend who called at just the right moment when you needed some encouragement.  Those little moments can be just as important as the new job, the big raise, the new relationship.  Once you have identified some of those moments, try to look for them in the days ahead.  Take time to appreciate the cup of coffee, the time in the park and the call from a friend as they occur.  Once you start paying attention, I am sure you will find there are many more of those memorable moments than you realized.   And, I have no doubt, that you will soon be noticing that those moments are happening more frequently or that bigger and better changes are occurring.

I sometimes fall into the trap of comparing myself to someone else who appears to be better off or making more progress than me.  That is a sure way to feel badly about myself.  First, we don’t ever really know how well someone else is doing.  Appearances can be deceiving.  Second, we are all on different paths, traveling at different speeds.  I am not my neighbor or my friend or my co-worker.  I am not you and you are not me.  We can learn from one another and be inspired by one another, but since we cannot be one another, we are not comparable.  I can only judge my progress by my own desires, expectations, and experiences.  The same is true of comparing myself to someone who is going through a rougher time than I am currently experiencing.  My life and its accomplishments may seem extraordinary if compared to someone who is struggling, but that person’s life has nothing to do with mine.  If I compare myself to others, I am taking away my own specialness and individuality and I am denying that I have a purpose and a path that belongs to only me.  When I look at another and think they are making less progress than me, I am judging them by a criteria that only applies to my life.  My comparison diminishes who they are and who I am.

So my birthday is creeping up and I feel like the past year has been a success.  I feel I know myself better now than I did a year ago and that I am moving on the path that is right for me at this time in my life.  I found balance and lessons in several unexpected changes and experiences, some that were difficult and sad.

My upcoming year will bring more challenges, changes, blessings and surprises.  I will surely have moments of happiness and sadness, probably some fear and disappointment. I plan to write more, visit Mount Dora regularly, do what I can to help my daughter and grandchildren, rejoice in watching the children grown and learn, love my family and friends, work joyfully, laugh as often as I can, release what no longer serves me, embrace new experiences, travel to new places and be grateful for all little and big successes and lessons along the way.  

Mount Dora vs. New York City

Since I am so focused on Manifesting Mount Dora now, my favorite little city was on my mind often while I was vacationing in New Jersey and New York City. My man’s niece took us exploring through the two cities in New Jersey where most of their family members lived when first immigrating to the United States. Both cities are very typical of the heavily populated urban areas in New Jersey and New York. Houses, usually three story buildings with each floor being rented out as separate living units, are built very close together - close enough that neighbors can lean out their windows and shake hands. Backyards, other than concrete driveways, are almost none existent and front yards are usually just small porch-like stoops with maybe a small green area between the house and the sidewalk. Because green space is not available for most houses, the cities have several large parks where children play, families gather, dogs romp and sports are played.

 I grew up in the country. We owned about eight acres of land and our neighbors owned as much, if not more, property. We all had spacious, but not huge or fancy, single family homes, some two-story and some with just one floor. Homes where children lived usually had swing sets and other play or sports equipment in the yards. I had a horse, well really a pony, named Rusty, and we also had multiple dogs and cats over the years, as well as pet goats, a donkey and some ducks. Our nearest towns did not have much by way of parks because green space was abundant where everyone lived. Most houses were built with plenty of acreage between each and on roads with no sidewalks. I could play on my road for hours and not see another person. I roamed alone through woods and fields and even boated up and down the creek in front of my home. My childhood environment was completely different than the places where my man’s children and nieces and nephews grew up.

Mount Dora is more like my childhood home than the places I saw in New Jersey. Although there are many streets, most with sidewalks and lined with homes, those houses are usually single-family homes with spacious yards. But, Mount Dora is also blessed with many beautiful parks - some dedicated to children, some on the water with boat ramps and docks and some with large fields for playing sports. Although my childhood home was many miles from town, the places where my man lived in New Jersey were always within walking distance of many businesses and that is similar to the “old city” of Mount Dora. I love that I don’t have to drive in New Jersey or NYC - public transportation is abundant and convenient. Mount Dora, like most small cities and particularly those in the South, lacks buses and trains, but because the town is small and very pedestrian-friendly, we can spend several days there only needing to drive if we want to go to a grocery store or some other sort of large commercial business. Maybe that is why my man and I both love Mount Dora so much - it is a combination of what is familiar to both of us.

Of course, New York City, particularly Manhattan, is different than all the places we know well. People live mostly in large apartment buildings or brownstones and most people rent, rather than own. Almost no one owns personal green space so the parks in New York City are large and numerous. While everyone where I've lived in the South and almost everyone in Mount Dora owns a car, very few people in New York City do - instead, they rely on public transit like the subway and other train systems, buses and taxi cabs. Again, the lifestyles of people in various places can differ so greatly, we have a hard time imagining what it would be like to live in a place so different than what we've experienced. I am amazed by the diversity of lifestyles in the United States. No wonder Americans sometimes have a hard time understanding one another.

Perhaps one of the biggest differences between city dwellers and those in rural or small city/town areas is the openness of the people. Where I live now, where I grew up and in Mount Dora, as in most Southern towns and cities, people are very open and expressive. We are quick to introduce ourselves to strangers, usually with a big smile, a handshake or a hug. We greet new neighbors with a plate of cookies or a homemade cake and an invitation to dinner. We easily share our life stories and expect the same of others. We like to chat and gossip and can spend hours conversing. We are quick to offer a helping hand or to accept one. We often think of our neighbors as an extension of our families.

In heavily populated places like NYC, being that open and friendly is not advisable and maybe even dangerous. With so many people, there is no way to know who to trust and who to avoid, so avoidance is the default reaction. I smile easily at the people on the streets of New York and I often get strange looks, as though the recipient of my friendly smile thinks I am mentally unstable. Whereas in Mount Dora or in my own city, I can smile abundantly with no one finding my silent, toothy greeting unusual, odd or alarming.

I have intently studied the NYC subway riders who rarely even acknowledge the presence of one another. They sit stony-faced, listening to music through headphones, playing with their smart phones, reading books or newspapers, or sleeping. Unless traveling with someone else or talking on a phone, those expressionless people speak to no one and rarely make eye contact. In crowded spaces, it is important for people to protect their personal space, which is basically nonexistent on crowded trains. Since it is impossible to prevent the invasion of personal space in such conditions, human beings shut down their non-verbal and, to some extent, their verbal communications by remaining as physically expressionless as possible. Even when I try to make eye contact or prompt a smile from a stranger, I almost always fail and the few times I have succeeded and was able to engage the person in conversation, I inevitably discovered he or she was originally from the South or New England.

A fallacy that I had, and many others have, of New Yorkers is that they are unfriendly or rude. That is just not true. We have never been in a situation of needing help that someone did not offer assistance. The first time my man took me to NYC, he was shocked to discover the subways no longer had booths with human beings selling tokens to ride the trains. Booths, people and tokens had been replaced with computers and printed tickets. He had no idea how to use the ticket computers and although I could navigate the screens, I had no idea what choices to make regarding tickets, routes, etc. We stood before one of those computer boxes looking confused and worried when a businessman using the machine next to us noticed our states of panic. Without introduction or chit-chat, he brusquely offered to help, rapidly showed us how to use the computer and quickly disappeared with us yelling, “Thank you!” as he was engulfed in a sea of suits. In the South, the same man would have politely asked if we needed help, he would then have introduced himself and perhaps shared a personal comment or two and then he would have slowly instructed us on the use of the computer and then repeated all the steps to make sure we “got it”, asked if we understood completely, stood nearby to confirm that we were able to purchase our tickets with no problems and then, when he was assured all was well, he would have said good-bye, giving us ample opportunity to say thank-you (probably more than once) and he then would have strolled away after wishing us a good day. The help presented to us in NYC came in a different package, but it was help nonetheless. The businessman saw people in distress and jumped in to give assistance. He did not have spare minutes to pass the time of day. He did not need to know our names nor did he need to share his. He showed us what to do, expected us to pay attention and understand the first time and when his work was done, he left. Short, sweet and to the point. Maybe not what we would call a friendly exchange, but still an act of kindness between strangers.

I love NYC. I love the energy, the excitement, the culture, and the constantly changing environment. But, being there made me realize how strongly I appreciate the small-town feeling of Mount Dora - the friendliness of the people, the slower pace of life, the quiet atmosphere. After vacationing in NYC, I feel I need a vacation from my vacation! But, when I take a break in Mount Dora, I really feel like my battery is recharged. Both places are fabulous, but when it comes to choosing a place to live, I choose Mount Dora.

Being in New Jersey and New York City, provided me with a much needed change of scenery and helped me to appreciate what I have and what I want to manifest. It is always good to have new and different experiences - they broaden our perspectives, increase our knowledge, activate our creativity and help us to better define who we are and what we want. And I know that I still want to Manifest Mount Dora!

The Power of The Butterfly

The Butterfly Effect is a chaos theory that a small action can affect larger, more complex systems on the other side of the world.  The idea of the Butterfly Effect is attributed to Edward Norton Lorenz, a mathematician and meteorologist, who applied his theory to weather patterns.  His theory was that  a small, seemingly inconsequential action in one corner of the world, such as the motion of a butterfly's wings, can affect weather in another corner of the world.  His theory has been expanded and applied to many aspects of human life - a small action of one individual grows and flows forward affecting others in its path.  Although Lorenz’s theory as applied to weather has never been proved, we time and again see the proof of the Butterfly Effect as applied to our actions.  Of course, we know that our personal actions and decisions usually affect those in our lives - our family members, our friends, our co-workers - but we may not realize that those actions and decisions can affect those whom we don’t know and may never know.  It may happen step-by-step which is easy to understand: I make a decision that affects one person causing them to take a certain action that affects someone else and so on.  But, there is also the greater, more complex, less easy to comprehend theory that what is learned, done, or changed in one place automatically, not step-by-step but through some sort of universal energy or knowledge, makes a change hundreds or thousand of miles away.  Both applications of the Butterfly Effect are fascinating and I’ve had a personal experience with the Butterfly Effect through this blog.

I started the Manifesting Mount Dora blog to keep myself focused on my desire to manifest a new home and new life in Mount Dora, Florida.  I knew this endeavor would be a learning experience and I wanted a record of my journey and what I learned along the way.  By sharing the blog, I thought it would be interesting to see if anyone else was interested in or inspired by my life experiment.  I thought a few of my friends might read my blog now and again, but I did not expect more attention than that, which was fine since I was writing it for myself.  As the weeks passed, I was amazed to read my blog statistics and discover that people from all over the world were reading it.  I could guess who some of those people in other countries were since I have many Facebook friends around the world, but I have no connections in some of the other countries in my blog stats.  It amazes me that people a world away are interested in this more-than-middle-aged woman in Florida who is using the Law of Attraction to create a new life.  I wonder who these people are, what their lives are like, why they are interested in my blog.  Almost all the comments generated by my blog have been from friends, so I don’t even know what the unknown people think of my musings.  Are they inspired, amused, surprised, shocked, entertained or just curious?  Are my posts affecting their lives in any way?

We have seen how thoughts, ideas, and even revolutions go viral online, affecting how we live, the choices we make, the chances we take, the way we dream.  Our world is truly getting smaller which can be inspiring or frightening.  A relatively unknown person in the U.S. makes a movie about Muhammad that is deemed to be insulting to Islam and people riot around the world, breaching U.S. embassies and killing innocent people.  A bus monitor is tormented by the children in her care and people around the world donate money so she can take a vacation.  Someone posts that an actor is dead and soon everyone is talking about it and re-posting the story even though it is not true.  An injustice in small town USA is detailed in the online news and petitions are created that hundreds of thousands of people sign to right the wrong.  We are inundated with causes to support or ignore.  We are brought to tears or enraged by stories that ten years ago we would never have known.  We get caught up in the real and the unreal, the truth and the lies.

There is great power in the written word these days - more so than in the past because today words travel so quickly and can do such harm or produce so much good.  We seem to have become more vulnerable, less likely to research what is true and what is not.  We jump on bandwagons, wave the flags of causes and riot in the streets without taking the time to check out the facts, without reflecting on the effects of our actions or pausing to take a breath before passing on that juicy tidbit that may or may not be true.  A decade or so ago our over-reactions and our impetuousness would likely only have caused a limited amount of damage or perhaps none at all.  Now our reckless actions may cause deaths half a world away.  Or, in the case of supporting a worthy cause, we can truly change a condition or someone’s life in an amazingly positive way.

I love that people are reading what I am writing and although I don’t think I am writing anything questionable or dangerous, I hope that my readers realize that this is my experience and my life and what I write does not necessarily represent the lives of anyone else in the United States or in Florida.  I hope they realize I am one woman figuring out what life is about and trying my best to create a life that is amazing for me.  If someone gets inspired or encouraged or comforted by something I write, I am thrilled, but I hope they use that inspiration, encouragement or comfort to figure out their own lives, to define their own possibilities and to reach for their own stars in whatever heavens they may be.

I encourage everyone to walk gently on this earth because we do affect one another, even half a world away, and we should want our effects to be positive, not destructive.  We have no comprehension of the power we wield through the written word online.  Let’s use that power to lift up one another, to encourage those who feel hopeless, to help those who are down, to teach those who want to learn, to feed those who are hungry, to respect those who are different.  Let’s use that power to embrace and to educate.  We are living the Butterfly Effect every day and The Power of The Butterfly is daunting.  Use it wisely, use it with caution.  We can be the change we want to see in the world or we can be the change that ends the world.  It is our choice.

"Who's Got It Better Than Us?"

"Who's got it better than us?" is the quote attributed to Vincent DiMartino, Sr. on a memorial  plaque that adorns a bench in Elizabeth Evans Park in Mount Dora.  Mr. DiMartino is certainly deceased, but I know I would have liked him.  I imagine he was a boisterous, fast-talking Italian man who loved his family, good food and happy gatherings.  He counted his blessings and knew what a fortunate man he was.  His family loved him enough to dedicate a park bench to him, adding his favorite saying to the memorial plaque.  Someone also painted daisy-like flowers on the bench, the only bench of the several in the park that was adorned with a quote and artwork.  I think that speaks to the specialness of Mr. DiMartino, whom, I am sure, would prefer to be called Vincent.  I imagine the innocent-looking flowers were painted by a grandchild who misses Papa Vincent very much.

Perhaps we should all go around saying, "Who's got it better than us?"  I know that was not a saying in my childhood home, but I would like to rewrite the story of my youth so it was.  I know it certainly was not the saying in the home I shared with my husband for 28 years.  In fact, if a park bench was dedicated to him and a quote added to his plaque, it would say, "If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all."  Or, perhaps, "I was born on a Wednesday and you know that Wednesday's child is full of woe."  And so was our house, much of the time.  He expected bad luck and that is what he got, but, sadly, so did I.  My nickname was once Pollyanna after the ever-cheerful and optimistic character played by Hayley Mills in the movie of the same name, but after several years living with Wednesday's Child of Woe, Pollyanna became Sad Sack Sally who believed that "Life sucks and then you die."

Who we spend time with matters.  Maybe we cannot choose the families who raise us, but as adults we can take the lessons from those negative family situations and move forward into our adulthood wiser and happier.  We, as grown-ups, can consciously choose to surround ourselves with those who appreciate, teach, embrace, encourage and inspire us.  We can look for the Vincents and avoid the Wednesday Children of Woe.

We can strive to surround ourselves  with beauty, to fill our minds with inspiration and to wonder, "Who's got it better than us?"  Plant some flowers, hang a piece of art, keep your home clean and organized, pick up trash on the streets, recycle, laugh often, have parties and dinners, dance whenever you can, read wonderful stories and inspirational books, travel as much as possible, meet new people wherever you are, sing with gusto, get out of the house, smile at everyone, help those who have less than you, give hearty hugs, learn something new everyday, embrace diversity, be excited about change, cry when necessary and then stop crying, find something creative to do regularly, teach what you have learned, plan a life that is full to overflowing.  I know Vincent DiMartino, Sr. did and that is why he often exclaimed, "Who's got it better than us?"

An Ending or A Beginning?

One of my clients is closing his office.  Not exactly what he was planning to do this year, but that is what developed due to some changes in his business that caused financial uncertainty.  His professional and personal life was already moving in another direction, but he did not expect to close his office this soon.  At first the unexpected fluctuations of his business income worried him and he became agitated and anxious, but then he realized that his life was moving away from that sort of work anyway so he embraced the unexpected changes and chose to make bold, dramatic moves that propelled him into his next phase of life.

I admire his brave leap into the future and his excitement about the uncertainty that lies ahead.  Change has usually terrified me.  I clung to what was routine, predictable (if anything can be predictable) and safe, or what I thought was safe.  Fortunately, for several years now, I've been moving away from that limited and frightened view of life.  Every ending is a new beginning, but I sometimes forget or ignore that.  I think most of us concentrate on the ending part and overlook the new beginning that follows closely on its heels.  Our emphasis on what we are leaving behind overshadows all the possibilities in the future and while we gaze backwards at a closing door, we don't see all the doors opening on the path ahead.  Not every opportunity waits indefinitely for us.  If we don't act promptly and with confidence, the Universe assumes we are not ready, which obviously we aren't, and closes the door.  That door may or may not open again, but even if it does, it will be further down the road - a road that may be rougher and more challenging than it needed to be.

I saw my client welcome what was ahead, even when he did not know what that would be.  He made decisions swiftly and is now poised to close the door and walk into a future that is uncertain, but exciting and full of unknown possibilities.  To move forward boldly meant that first he had to be aware of the signs the Universe was sending him.   He chose not to fight the changes and embraced them instead, moving happily in the direction they led.  Now he is full of excitement and anticipation and is relieved to be releasing so many responsibilities that had been weighing him down.

Watching him reminds me to look for signs of changes and shifts, to stay open to unknown possibilities, to remain optimistic and courageous, to look forward with aniticipation and not backwards with regret or sadness.  My client reminds me of a dog I saw today that was soaked by a sudden rainshower.  Just as that dog shook off the rain and trotted forward without a worry about the wetness that had taken him by surprise, my client shook of the unexpected financial storm and is trotting down the path to his next life adventure.  His action is bold, brave and inspirational.  Shouldn't we all strive to embrace change with that same sense of adventure?

Aha Moments

Last night, I had a revelation at the Creating Money-Attracting Abundance class that I am attending. I listened to other class members talking about their blocks and issues, particularly ones about not feeling good enough for a better job, more money, a happy relationship, good health or whatever is better than what they have now.  For the first time, I realized that I have progressed past that particular block.  I no longer have issues with feeling as if I am not deserving of something better.  I once did - probably did for most of my life - but that issue has ceased to exist for me and I did not even realize it.  Actually, I believe it was the not realizing I had left unworthiness behind that was the true revelation.  Somewhere along my path I made this major leap forward and was not even aware of it. Truthfully, it probably was not a single leap and certainly not a single big leap - it was micro steps; slow, steady, almost imperceptible baby steps.  And, I think that is good - well, its good for me.

I am sure there are people who have mind-blowing, breath-taking aha moments when clarity is instantaneous, wisdom is immediate and life is changed forever.  I am not one of those people.  Little bit by little bit the darkness clears as though a small candle were lit, then after awhile another and then after some more time another, until something moves in the now all-encompassing light and I realize I can see it unhindered; in fact, I can see everything clearly because the darkness no longer exists.  Sort of sneaks up on me when I'm not looking and, like last night, I think, "Wow! When did that happen?"

Major aha moments that seem to blow off the top of your head are thrilling, magical and very Hollywood, but I believe slow, steady change is easier to accept and assimilate.  Makes me think of rain.  Thunderstorms are exciting with their electricity, earth-shaking sounds and momentous rains.  But, the parched, hard-packed earth quickly becomes overwhelmed with the onslaught of water and just cannot absorb more than a little of the precious moisture it so desperately needs.  The rain cascades off the earth and into ditches, drains and bodies of water - much of it puddling unused on concrete and asphalt until it evaporates in the harsh sun.  But, if the rain comes gently, slowly, steadily, each drop softens the ground a little more so the earth can open, little bit by little bit like a heart that is blossoming or a soul that is being enlightened, and welcome the life-saving water.  The rain stays where it is needed, nourishing the soil so that a long-buried seed can germinate and grow.  Beneath the ground, unseen and unknown, the new seedling slowly, steadily pushes its way up and out until one day a speck appears above the earth.  That speck gradually grows taller until on another day the gardener is surprised to see a fully grown plant where once there was only sun-baked, hardened dirt.  That describes how personal and spiritual change happens for me.  I appreciate the opportunity to slowly absorb the wisdom and advice that rains down upon me, allowing me the time to grow and adjust until one day I am amazed when I realize I have pushed past that hard-baked problem that kept me buried for years and I am now basking in the sunlight.

We live in an impatient world and we want change to happen NOW.  But, are we ready for all that change right now?  Can we handle it now?  Or will it be wasted on us because we were too closed to accept it, too hard to assimilate it?  Had I experienced a major, eye-popping revelation about my worthiness, I may have been amazed and dazzled for awhile.  I may have felt great and powerful and invincible for awhile.  But, eventually I'd feel overwhelmed, confused and maybe even scared.  Too much, too fast.  And, I'd close up like the rain-starved earth that just cannot absorb the flooding rain.

Another revelation that came to me a few months ago is that I am not as impatient as I once was and, thankfully, that allows me to welcome change little bit by little bit.  Rather than having in-your-face aha moments when I suddenly understand something, when I suddenly GET IT, I have slow sunrise-type aha moments when I realize I understand it, I got it, but I just don't know exactly when that happened or maybe even how that happened.  Just like watching the sunrise.  Its dark, then there's a tiny sliver of almost-unseen light, then a little more and a little more until the full face of the sun catches you unawares and you wonder, "When did that happen?"

Living Small

As a child, I thought big and I dreamt even bigger, as most of us do.  But, my thoughts and dreams shrunk in size as I matured.  Life experiences deflated me, people cautioned me, and I succumbed to fear and self-doubt, as most of us do. 

Well-meaning mentors, family members and friends told me "don't bite off more than you can chew", "be practical", "you can't support yourself doing that", "life is hard, plan ahead", "work hard, then work harder" and all those sorts of advice comments we have all heard during our lifetimes. 

Plans I had went awry.  Unexpected problems interferred with my life.  Failures knocked me down.  Doubts crept in.  Fears took hold.  And, I began to think and dream smaller, then even smaller.  I was like a balloon losing air. By my early twenties that balloon was languishing on the ground, mostly deflated. 

I could put blame on others for poor advice and for instilling fears. I could blame life itself for what did not occur that I wanted to happen and what did occur that I did not want to happen or could not even have imagined happening.  And, I did dish out the blame for many years.  But, that did not benefit me in any way.  In fact, the blame game just made me feel bitter and angry and even more defeated.  Why try when I cannot control much, if hardly anything, that happens in my life? 

The biggest lie I was told by all those well-meaning advice-givers was that I could control my life.  I could plan and chart a life course and with diligence follow it precisely to great successes.  Not true - at least for me.  I know some who have appeared to do just that.  They decided at an early age what they wanted to do in life, they went to school or obtained the experience and training they needed, they worked hard or at least diligently in their chosen profession and lived a life that was successful on many levels.  Some may not have done so well in other areas which are not so easily planned.  Some had relationships and family lives that were filled with disappointment and unexpected consequences, but some were fortunate to have personal lives just as or even more successful and fulfilling as their professional ones.  I used to hate those people.  I was filled with jealousy that they walked a clear path with no pitfalls or unexpected detours.  Why did they seem so blessed and I was not?  Of course, if I dared looked honestly at my life, in spite of the unexpected occurrences and roadblocks along the way, my life appeared to be much better than the lives of many who seem to walk with a dark cloud of impending doom over their heads.

Comparing my life to someone else's was a waste of time and emotions.  Now, I see that we are all here for different reasons, to have different experiences and to learn and grow from all the pitfalls, detours and problems that litter our paths.  We can plan and dream (planning and dreaming are good), but unless we are in touch with our inner guidance system, unless we are incorporating what we learn into our daily practices, unless we are being grateful for all the many blessings in our lives (even if it appears others have more blessings), and unless we are open to change and adjustments, we will always seem to be failing and losing our way.  Of course, we aren't.  We are moving forward just as we need to.  We are having experiences to learn just what we need to know.  We feel stuck, we feel lost, we feel defeated, but that is because we are out of touch with who we really are and what we are here to accomplish.  Tap into your inner guidance system or to your higher power or to your intuition and your life will become smoother and clearer.  Too often we learn that lesson later in life and then we feel we missed the boat.  The knowledge and connection came too late.  Now, we have something new to hold us back.  Age.  I am too old, I can't start over now, there isn't enough time left to do what I want to do, I no longer have the energy I need. . .

Thoughts like that are new barriers that we create for ourselves.  I know I often feel that way.  I am too old now.  I wish I had learned all this when I was younger and my life could have been so much more, so much fuller, so much better.  I wish, I wish, I wish.  Wishing is NOT dreaming.  Wishing is a terrible waste of time and energy.  I am working hard to replace wishes with dreams and then taking those dreams to a new level where I actualize them through The Law of Attraction.  And, still, sometimes I feel that it is all moving too slow because I am getting older every day and, really, how much time do I have left?  That is when I try to remember that my great-aunt lived to be 104 and my man's mother will be 93 in a month.  Maybe I have lots of time left and maybe I don't, but I prefer to bet that I do.  Otherwise, I will just sit here passively and decay.  Nope, not appealing at all. 

Once, while I was attending a prosperity class, I had a dream in which myself and another class member were standing before a building with a sign on it that said "The Center for Peace and Prosperity".  I woke up from that dream, remembering it in detail, and knowing, without a doubt, that it was the woman standing with me before that glorious Center for Peace and Prosperity who had created it.  I gave her full credit for the Center although no words were exchanged in my dream; there was no signage indicating she was the founder of the Center; there was absolutely NO REASON for me to believe she was the creator of the Center.  But, that is what I thought.  Why?  Because I could not imagine myself doing something so grand; I could not accept that I was capable of such a glorious creation.  I was thinking small, dreaming small, living small.

I recently had a very similar dream.  I saw a building, although it looked different than the one in my original dream and, in fact, it looked very similar to a building in Mount Dora, and on that building was a sign that said "The Center for Peace and Prosperity".  I stood there alone.  I stood there feeling proud.  When I awoke, I knew that in my dream I was the creator of the The Center for Peace and Prosperity.  Perhaps I was also the creator in my original dream, but I was unable, at that time, to seem myself as a creator or a builder or a manifestor. So, I gave the credit to someone else.

Now I can see myself that way.  Now I can give myself credit for something that I very much dream of manifesting in Mount Dora.  Besides my home, my retirement and my new life in Mount Dora, I can now imagine part of that new life being "The Center for Peace and Prosperity".  Yes, I can see that.  Yes, I can live bigger.  

I Want What I Want When I Want It!

One of the biggest disappointments in life is - well, disappointment. Disappointment is not being happy with a result. To be disappointed one must have expectations. Expectations come from a sense of desire or control. We want something and we do what we can, if anything, to control the process so we obtain our desired outcome. Sometimes we are successful, but often, not. A vacation is ruined because the weather was rainy. Someone else, perhaps undeservedly, got the promotion you wanted. The store sold out of the dress that was perfect for your birthday party. In spite of hours of hard work, your boss did not like your project presentation. Regardless of your constant encouragement, your son does not want to play baseball.


I have been called, with good reason, a control-freak. I am better than I once was, but I still have issues with letting go of control. Trying to always be in control is a sure way to experience disappointment. First, we cannot control everything or, really, very much. Second, we tend to try and control others and that is just plain impossible.


I used to work ridiculously long hours, rarely taking a vacation or days off. I felt like my work life was out of control, but actually I had a great deal of control at work and that was causing me to lose control in other areas of my life. Because I felt like I had little control at home, in spite of Herculean efforts otherwise, I spent more time at work where I had more control. The more I worked, the less control I had elsewhere. A vicious cycle and a life out of balance.


Since I rarely took time off, when I did, I wanted my plans to go exactly as I hoped. Inevitably they did not, which I took as a personal slap in the face from God or The Universe or whomever. If I worked 60 hours a week, the weather should cooperate on my one weekend off, right? And, when it didn't, I was not only disappointed, I was angry, sullen, depressed and inconsolable. How dare life do this to me? I work hard. I deserve my few breaks to be perfect, don't I?


I chose, on some level, to live an unbalanced life. I was not respecting myself, others in my life or all aspects of my life - home, relationships, work, spirit, recreation, etc. - so why would l expect life or The Universe or God to respect me? I honestly thought the weather should conform to my expectations and yet most days I was so busy working or I was so tired, I did not appreciate or even notice the weather.


Expectations, whether reasonable or not, set us up for disappointment. We all experience disappointment, even those of us who are not control-freaks. If disappointment comes your way, you can either go with the flow adjusting your sails to the new wind direction or you can fight against the wind - an effort that will exhaust you but probably not change anything - or you can just give up and be angry, depressed and sullen. Allowing that we all face disappointment because we are human and we want what we want, the only way to survive disappointment unscarred is to adjust your sails and allow the new wind to direct you to some place unexpected. You may have wanted to arrive in Hawaii, but ended up in Seattle - so, enjoy Seattle! You may have wanted the big promotion, but after being overlooked again, you moved on to a new and better position with a different employer. You may have had your eye set on the burgundy living room furniture, but won't the green do just as well, if not better?


My grandkids have reached the age of disappointment. Children until the age of 3 or 4 live in the moment. Their desires are short-lived, easily forgotten. Their memories are short. Disappointment is not a big part of their lives. My grandson is now 5 and he is starting to have desires and remembers what was promised and never delivered. He wanted to go to Dinosaur World and without much consideration I agreed to take him there this summer. As the heat and humidity descended on Florida, I had second thoughts of spending hours walking around an amusement park of fake dinosaurs with two small children, all of us grumpy from heat exhaustion. I suggested a different trip, one that would provide us with a cooler experience. Still living in the moment much of the time, he jumped at my suggestion and off we all went. We had a fabulous time, but days later he started thinking about Dinosaur World and became petulant that we had not gone there, in spite of the great time he had on our alternate vacation. I assured him we will go in the fall, but still he was disappointed. Life was easier for the adults in my household when his memory was shorter and his expectations nonexistent. Now he, and to some extent his younger sister, are beginning to have wants that they remember and when we, or life, do not deliver as requested, disappointment and sometimes tears are the result. They have a long and tear-filled process ahead to learn to let go of expectations and disappointments.


How like small children I am! I want what I want when I want it and I deserve it! But as an adult, I need to realize that what I want may not be best for me at all or at least at this time, like Dinosaur World in the summer. And, as disappointing as that realization is, there is a flip side that is exciting and encouraging. Sometimes what I get is better than what I wanted. Sometimes not getting what I wanted is a blessing. Sometimes I may desire something and it seems impossible to obtain (I have no control) but what I want is for my own good or the good of others in my life, so the obstacles seem to miraculously dissolve. That is manifesting - getting into alignment so your desires are good for you or for others.


I want to Manifest Mount Dora. I am not sitting here idly. I am working on myself and my manifestation through visualization, writing, gratitude and any other life-affirming action I can take. But, I have, with great effort, let go of the hows and whens of the process and although I have a vision of what I want to manifest, I am open to adjusting my sails to a change in wind. If I can continue with this semi-detached attitude, I can avoid disappointment if my vision does not become a reality or if it manifests in a different way or at a different time than what I hope for. And, yet, I want what I want and I still hope to obtain it, but I know, because I am learning and evolving as I skip along this path of Manifesting Mount Dora, the end result of the journey cannot possibly be a disappointment.