I have lived a life of fear. In recent years, I worked hard to overcome my fears and yet, still, when I have an uncomfortable thought, my throat tightens, my brows draw together with concern, my arms feel weak, my neck tenses, my heartbeat accelerates, I feel slightly dizzy. Fear, the dis-abler, the thief of sleep, the time and energy waster. I am facing a fear right now - actually, three. One is a fear of lack - that I won't have what I need when I need it. One is a fear of loss - a loss that I don't even know will happen. One is a fear of time - that I won't accomplish what I want in the time I want to accomplish it.
I cannot remember a time when fear, and its companion worry, were not part of my daily life. I believe my deep roots in fear started when I was three months old and my mother died. Maybe that baby did not feel fear as I do now, but I am sure she felt loss and perhaps confusion. When at the age of four my father and step-mother separated, I remember that the little girl felt loss, confusion, sadness and, by then, fear. Growing up, I did not think the loss of my mother affected me much. Sure, my life was different than other children's because I did not have a mom, but I was fine, I was strong, I did not need a mother. It was not until, as an adult, I understood that the loss of my mother created an insecurity in me that translated into everything I did or thought. I feared loss more than anything. I held on to people, situations and things that were no longer needed and often not beneficial for me. I feared change of any sort and longed for a sense of continuity, solidarity, comfort, and security. In my mind, security could only come from consistency. I loved routine. Being in a rut was comfortable for me. Knowing what I was going to do from hour to hour was reassuring to me. In my rut, I felt as though I were in control. Life could not surprise me because I was in control. No one could hurt me because I was in control. Except, I wasn't. I tried to be, but there is no way to control life. You can try and try, but you cannot control everything that happens every moment. And, that is when fear sets in.
As soon as something felt out of control, as soon as an unexpected or unwanted change occurred, as soon as someone followed a different script, the scary physical results of fear would begin. I had lost control - well, the illusion of control. I could not predict what would happen. I had to worry. Worry was the only alternative because worry would put me back in control - or so I convinced myself. Worry replaced sleep, food and recreation. I not only worried myself, but wanted everyone else around me to worry. What is wrong with them? Why aren't they worried? How can they sleep when there is so much to worry about? How can they watch TV when there is so much to be concerned about? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM?
On Facebook today someone posted: Life starts when fear ends. I know this is true. In recent years I have learned to push most fears aside and I am successful often, but I still fall into old patterns. In the time it took me to write this, one of my fears has already dissipated when a lack I feared would occur, did not. I feel silly. I have evolved enough to know fear and worry are blocks for manifestation. I also know the Universe is on my side and I have nothing to fear. My first reaction is to chastise myself, but that also is not good. I must remember that growing and learning is a process and as part of that process, I will sometimes regress and I just need to acknowledge my lack of confidence and my backsliding into fear and worry and move forward with more confidence.
So, I shake out the tension in my neck and the weakness in my arms, I breathe deep and clear the tighteness in my throat. I smile at myself and thank the Universe for being patient with this work in progress.
I cannot remember a time when fear, and its companion worry, were not part of my daily life. I believe my deep roots in fear started when I was three months old and my mother died. Maybe that baby did not feel fear as I do now, but I am sure she felt loss and perhaps confusion. When at the age of four my father and step-mother separated, I remember that the little girl felt loss, confusion, sadness and, by then, fear. Growing up, I did not think the loss of my mother affected me much. Sure, my life was different than other children's because I did not have a mom, but I was fine, I was strong, I did not need a mother. It was not until, as an adult, I understood that the loss of my mother created an insecurity in me that translated into everything I did or thought. I feared loss more than anything. I held on to people, situations and things that were no longer needed and often not beneficial for me. I feared change of any sort and longed for a sense of continuity, solidarity, comfort, and security. In my mind, security could only come from consistency. I loved routine. Being in a rut was comfortable for me. Knowing what I was going to do from hour to hour was reassuring to me. In my rut, I felt as though I were in control. Life could not surprise me because I was in control. No one could hurt me because I was in control. Except, I wasn't. I tried to be, but there is no way to control life. You can try and try, but you cannot control everything that happens every moment. And, that is when fear sets in.
As soon as something felt out of control, as soon as an unexpected or unwanted change occurred, as soon as someone followed a different script, the scary physical results of fear would begin. I had lost control - well, the illusion of control. I could not predict what would happen. I had to worry. Worry was the only alternative because worry would put me back in control - or so I convinced myself. Worry replaced sleep, food and recreation. I not only worried myself, but wanted everyone else around me to worry. What is wrong with them? Why aren't they worried? How can they sleep when there is so much to worry about? How can they watch TV when there is so much to be concerned about? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM?
On Facebook today someone posted: Life starts when fear ends. I know this is true. In recent years I have learned to push most fears aside and I am successful often, but I still fall into old patterns. In the time it took me to write this, one of my fears has already dissipated when a lack I feared would occur, did not. I feel silly. I have evolved enough to know fear and worry are blocks for manifestation. I also know the Universe is on my side and I have nothing to fear. My first reaction is to chastise myself, but that also is not good. I must remember that growing and learning is a process and as part of that process, I will sometimes regress and I just need to acknowledge my lack of confidence and my backsliding into fear and worry and move forward with more confidence.
So, I shake out the tension in my neck and the weakness in my arms, I breathe deep and clear the tighteness in my throat. I smile at myself and thank the Universe for being patient with this work in progress.
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