Expectations and Disappointments

I knew Manifesting Mount Dora would be a learning experience for me.  This quest was not just about manifesting soemthing I want, but also about finding answers (or no answers) to questions, seeking enlightenment, embracing change and discerning what really matters.  I have blogged about many lessons that have come my way during the past almost-eight-months and, although I have yet to manifest Mount Dora, I have learned much on this journey and this past weekend presented another learning opportunity. 

Recently, I read "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. Based on native Toltec beliefs, Ruiz teaches about four "agreements" that make life easier and more peaceful.  The agreements are:

Be impeccable with your word
Don't take anything personally
Don't make assumptions
Always do your best

In spite of their simplicity, the agreements are difficult to practice.  Most of us value honesty, but often forget that when we fail to live up to our word, we are are being dishonest.  Most of us make promises without a lot of thought.  I know I am often guilty of wanting so badly to please others, wanting to help out, that I am quick to make a promise without thinking it through.  Do I really have the time or the money to fulfill the promise?  Do I really want to do what I said I would do?  Will the promise create a burden for me?  Should I take on another responsibility right now?  Will fulfilling this promise mean that I must renege on another earlier made promise?

Probably I have the most difficulty with the second and third agreements.  I tend to take everything personally and I make major assumptions, resulting in hurt feelings, misunderstandings and deep disappointments.  Probably, the fourth agreement is the easiest for me as I focus on doing my best whenever I tackle a job. 

My lesson this weekend dealt with my most difficult agreements - don't take anything personally and don't make assumptions.  My birthday is this week. Awhile ago, I made a birthday request of someone, whom I will call "X". I did not ask X for a "thing", but for something X would have to do that would involve others who would also benefit from my gift. X agreed and plans were made.

This past weekend I asked to add one more person to the list of participants and X protested vigorously.  Considering the extra person would require no extra work and is a relatively quiet, pleasant person, I was surprised by X’s negative reaction. I stood my ground and insisted until X relented. 

Later, I was thinking about why X protested the inclusion of that person and although I could not think of a truly good reason, I felt a swirl of negativity around the whole incidence that made me uncomfortable in a way and for a reason I could not identify. My thoughts were waylaid by other activities until later in the day when I noticed X was moody and seemed annoyed. When I pressed for a reason, X went off on a rant about others who would be at the event. X was not complaining about these people participating, but was being critical about other issues regarding them which were not related to my birthday. I disagreed completely with what X was saying and certainly with the way it was being said. In my mind, X was being judgmental without knowing all the facts, but it was very apparent that X had strong feelings, wrongly or rightly.

As I was tending to some chores, I had time to contemplate the two exchanges with X. I realized that the original gift request put X in an difficult position. Had X refused, I would have been hurt. X agreed in an attempt to make me happy and I know X’s intentions were good.  Unfortunately, X was not able to contain negative feelings for others participating in the event and I was hurt by X’s declamation. Ideally, X would have agreed to the event and then would have withheld any negative comments about the attendees until the event was over, but that is not what occurred. I also realized that some of the attendees may have some negative feelings toward X, but, due to their feelings for me, they agreed to participate. Unintentionally, I had created a toxic event for my own birthday.

I broke two of the agreements. I made assumptions that X wanted to do what I requested and that X and the other participants could put aside any negative feelings for one another to make the event successful. Although I am sure the event would have been a success, I had no right to make those assumptions about others. I also had no right to put anyone in a situation where he or she may have felt uncomfortable or resentful. And finally, I let my personal feelings get all mixed up in the situation, something I am very inclined to do. I took X’s unwillingness to include the additional person and X’s verbal explosion personally. My feelings were hurt by statements and words that were not about me.

I chose to cancel the event because it no longer felt "right". There was too much negativity surrounding it. I was not angry nor disappointed because I accepted responsibility for creating an unhealthy situation. That does not mean I agree with X’s rants or attitude, but I accept that X’s feelings are just as real as mine. Perhaps X’s behavior could have been better, but so could have mine. I certainly could have been more sensitive to everyone else’s feelings.

By cancelling the toxic event, a space was created for those who had accepted my previous invitation to plan a new event that was held last night and was a tremendous success. X did not participate, I believe, out of confusion about the whole chain of events. I tried to explain my choice to cancel the original event, but X just did not understand. I felt a little sad that X was not at last night’s event, but I also knew it was the best result for all. And, now X has the opportunity to plan something else for my birthday, if X is so inclined.

In hindsight, I realize I often create toxic situations that leave me disappointed and hurt.  I want everyone I know and love to be together and I want them all to love, or at least respect and like, one another.  Sadly, that is not always the case and, since I am not in charge of everyone else's feelings, I need to accept how they feel and not take their attitudes towards and opinions of others personally.   If I go forward with expectations that rely on the actions of others, I am sure to be disappointed and others may be also. This weekend I learned that if I am forcing something, it probably should not happen.  If I let it go, something better is created in its place.