Mount Dora Renewal

Three days in Mount Dora have helped to ease the fatigue of three months of long work hours, several illnesses and some painful back issues and many days and evenings of being the caregiver for my two grandchildren.  On Thursday, my man and I and our two dogs headed south on a rainy afternoon.  We were greeted by 20 mph winds and intermittent showers in our favorite town, but nothing drastic enough to keep us inside.  Soon we were visiting Grantham Park on Lake Dora, walking the streets of the “old city” and dining on delicious Cuban food at Copacabana.  Friday and Saturday were filled with many long walks with our dogs, wonderful food and conversations at Copacabana, One Flight Up and Cody’s on 4th.  We shopped - particularly at my favorite boutique, Em’z on Fifth.  We rested and read.  On Sunday, for the first time, we visited the weekly Open Air Market and purchased some fabulous French bread, pastries and biscotti from the booth of A Wish or Two Ago, a French bakery located in Grand Island, some fresh arugula, tomatoes and blueberries, and a hair care product by Wildflower Beauty by Jessica, and I longed to buy some pottery from the Perry Stoneware booth, but decided that needed to wait until another trip.

One of the interesting aspects of our trip was the first time inclusion of our dog Pooh.  I rescued Pooh and her mom Winnie in 2002.  Winnie was about 3 years old and Pooh was around 4 months old.  They were living on the streets near my mom’s home in Tennessee.  Winnie was socialized having obviously been someone’s pet at some time, but Pooh was completely feral.  In spite of her better people skills, Winnie was not a dog to live in a house.  Being within four walls made her anxious and stressful, resulting in excessive panting and pacing, so she and her wild-one daughter spent the next 10 years living in my backyard and sleeping on my back porch.  Winnie became ill in January and left us.  Pooh is still trying to adjust to life without her ever-present mother.  Although Pooh is certainly tame now, she is still easily frightened and becomes nervous in new situations and around unfamiliar people.  Since living alone was not a good idea for the grieving Pooh, we started allowing her in the house with our Pekingese dog and she has slowly adjusted to life with our family and without her mother.  Worried that leaving her alone, without her most trusted people (my man and me) and without her canine companion Chanelito, we risked taking her along on her first ever vacation.  Pooh was nervous and leery of Mount Dora where everything was new and different.  She was overwhelmed and confused by her first sight of a large body of water, Mount Dora.  Walking along the downtown streets, busy with tourists and shoppers, triggered all her fear phobias.  But, slowly she adjusted - a little - with the one exception of her bathroom habits.  At our home, she uses our backyard for her bowel movements and in Mount Dora she was always on a leash or in our cottage, all places that did not seem “right” to her for that bodily function.  For three days we fretted about her lack of a bowel movement, always afraid the call of nature would become too strong when she was in the cottage.  Fortunately, that did not happen and on our last morning there, during my man’s early morning walk with the dogs, she successfully released what had been held inside of too long.  We were all relieved!!

Since mid-December my life has been out-of-synch, out-of-balance, as evident in my consecutive illnesses, back problems and a general feeling of dismay and discord.
Our trip allowed me some downtime to think, to read and to try and figure out what is wrong and why it became so wrong.  I read the book “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown who I recently saw on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday.  Her book is fantastic and I highly recommend it.  I really identified with her studies on the problems of perfectionism and I learned much from her about embracing our imperfections.

I came home from my long weekend feeling a little more rested, with slightly less back pain and with a renewed commitment to getting my life back on track.  First, I spoke to my daughter about her work schedule, insisting that I have Monday through Wednesday evenings free of childcare so I can attend my yoga class, work for some of my evening clients, volunteer at Wild Iris Bookstore and attend the monthly Feminist Open Mic Poetry Readings that I enjoy so much.  I promised myself to better organize my home work space and bedroom, so those areas feel less cluttered, confused and confining.  I recommitted myself to writing more often and I began researching some sort of creative class or activity that I can enjoy with my grandchildren.  And, hardest of all, I made an agreement with The Universe to be more positive and more patient about my Manifesting Mount Dora project.

Tomorrow begins my return to the routine of work, household duties and helping to care for my grandchildren.  Tomorrow begins the juggle of hours and the scheduling of all the things that I need to do while trying to make time for the things I want to do.  Tomorrow and the next day and the next are the test to see if my Mount Dora Renewal will take hold and grow sturdy roots.

Web of Disappointment

Life is full of expectations and disappointments.  Indeed, they go hand-in-hand.  We can only be disappointed if we had some sort of expectation.  Balancing the two is very difficult, as was once again shown to me in the past two weeks.

I don't want to live life without expectations.  Are not expectations related to wishes, dreams, plans and manifestations?  We dream or plan and we expect, with great hope, that our desire will come true.  But, then when our plans fall through or our dream does not pan out, we become disappointed.  The trick is to accept what did not happen without attaching a heavy emotion, like disappointment, to it, and that is not easy.  We can take a spiritual outlook of "It was not meant to be" or "Something better will come along in its place" or we can just shrug our shoulders and shake off any emotion that may have momentarily attached itself to us. Disappointment left to fester becomes discontentment and then dissatisfaction and finally, depression.  Ridding yourself of disappointment in what did not come to pass is important to your mental and emotional health.  

Those kind of disappointments, the ones involving expectations of what we tried to create, can be heart-breaking, but because the expectation probably started and ended with us, we are in total control of how we react and how we move forward.  Disappointment in others is different.  

I recently came across some old emails about a business some friends and I were planning to start.  It never came to pass.  Someone, or maybe all of us, dropped the ball.  There were feelings of disappointment that we did not get beyond the initial planning stages; there were feelings of disappointment in one or the other of us.  And, there were feelings of blame.  Who was responsible?  Who can we blame?  We, and by that I mean one or all of us, could regroup and move forward without the others or we could shrug our shoulders and say the timing most not have been right, the partnership was not solid enough, the interest was not as strong for all involved.  We did the shrugging thing.  In retrospect, I do think all of those statements were true and it was best that our business never got beyond the earliest stages of planning, but still there was disappointment at some level.  

Closer to my heart was a disappointment in someone that I experienced recently.  Someone who did not act as I thought was appropriate, someone who did not seem appreciative, someone who took advantage, someone who placed blame in the wrong place.  I believed in, trusted, defended and supported that person and now, I am disappointed.  I had expectations in someone else and those expectations were not met.  The disappointment was not limited to just me; others felt the same and we all paid a price, emotionally and financially. The situation was, and is, difficult and heart-breaking.  Disappointment itself is hard to accept, but when there are hard consequences that come with the disappointment, the feelings are more raw and more difficult to escape.  

It is necessary for those of us who had the expectations and now have the disappointments to release all the negativity, all the blame.  We will be dealing with consequences due to that person's behavior for quite awhile to come, but we need to do what has to be done and try not to blame, to try very hard to forgive.  That does not mean we condone what has happened.  It means we accept it as a lesson - for all of us.  Relationships may be altered or even severed - hopefully, not.  Reconciliation may come with time, but, for now, there is hurt all around.  I don't want anyone involved to be left bitter or to be afraid to trust and believe in someone in the future, but there is always a chance our disappointment will leave some of us with distrust.  I am not sure how to avoid that.  I think only time will help.  Sometimes we just have to stew for awhile and work through the feelings before we can move on.  Trying to sugar-coat the situation and the injured feelings is not the answer.  In fact, sugar-coating will just cause the hurt to fester and one day it will rise to the surface, unexpected and probably focused on something or someone not even associated with the original incident.

This past weekend, after dealing with the disappointment and its consequences, I took my daughter and grandchildren to Mount Dora for the town's annual Christmas street parade and boat parade.  A nice getaway, something to help us forget problems and hurt feelings, but instead I felt more disappointment.  I looked around my favorite town and felt like I would never be able to manifest a home there. Surely, the disappointment of the previous two weeks and my physical and emotional fatigue contributed to my down mood, but so did the fact that I am not any closer to what I am trying to manifest than I was when I started this project in March.

I am home and back in my regular schedule and still feeling a little sad - sad enough that I really had to push myself to write this post.  I keep telling myself that Manifesting Mount Dora is a journey and one in which the lessons learned may be the only result. Usually, I am okay with that, but not now.  Now I want something more hopeful, something that helps me through all the other disappointments and irritations.  January starts the busiest time of my work year and each year I find it harder to summon the strength and energy to tackle the 7-days-a-week work schedule I will have for two months.  And, this year, December is turning out to also be extremely busy.  Hope is what keeps us going when life is rough.  I am looking for a little hope and, yes, I know that my life is so abundant and I feel guilty for being disappointed and for feeling down.

Disappointment is a web, and I am caught in the middle of it right now.  Webs trap and hold.  I am there, held tight and wrapped up in disappointment.  Struggling against the web will just tighten its hold on me.  Telling myself that the web does not exist will not make it disappear.  Knowing that my web exists in an otherwise decent and often happy place does not change the confining environment of the web.  Feeling guilty for being caught in the web does not make the web any looser or easier to escape.  So, I will sit here and try to work within the confines of the web and I will wait for a breeze that blows the web apart or for time to loosen the strands that are holding me.  Perhaps time is my hope.  

Miracle in the Night

It is a little after midnight as I write this.  About an hour ago, I was laying in bed, reading the last page of a book.  I closed the book, satisfied with the ending, and laid in my bed thinking of the story and feeling content and cozy.  Everyone in the house, but me, was asleep.  Silence engulfed me.  Even our neighborhood was unusually quiet for a Friday night.  I was ready to turn off my bedside light and go to sleep, but I couldn't. I sometimes experience insomnia, but that was not the case.  My eyes were drowsy and I was ready for a full night of sleep, but something was nagging me - this inexplicable feeling nudging me to get up and go outside.  Why?  I listened intently, but could not hear any worrisome sound and I could not remember any noise that my mind may have registered unconsciously as something of concern.  I breathed deeply - no smell of smoke or chemicals.   I could not identify a problem or a reason to leave the comfort of my bed, but still I felt compelled to go outside.

I tried to push the feeling aside.  I labeled it illogical, nonsensical, impractical and just plain silly, but it would not go away.  Finally, after ten minutes of unsuccessfully attempting to use logic to justify staying under my warm covers, I got up, through a sweater on over my pajamas, slipped on my sandals and tiptoed through the house so as not to wake up anyone with my silly nighttime prowl.  As slowly and quietly as possible, I opened the front door and ventured out into the dark, breezy coolness of this November night.

There were lights on in the three houses across the street, but no one and nothing stirred.  Other than some light traffic sounds from the busier corridor streets to the north and east of our neighborhood, I heard nothing.  I walked around my car and into the carport.  I looked around where our garbage can, recycling bins and charcoal grill are, but nothing was amiss. The plants that line the chest-high wall that makes up one side of the carport were all in place.  My wind chimes were still hanging in place and, since the nighttime breeze was coming from a different direction, they were silently motionless.

As I stood there feeling very cold and very foolish, I heard the soft grunting sounds that one of my rescue dogs makes.  I have two rescues, a 12 year-old mother and her 9 year-old daughter, who I’ve had for ten years and who live in our fenced backyard and sleep on our back porch.  I looked toward the back of the carport, which is separated from our backyard by a chain link fence, expecting to see mama dog standing there, wagging her tail and making her pig-like grunting sounds. But, even in the cloudy darkness, I could see she was not there.  And, yet, her distinctive guttural noises were very close.  I looked to my right and there she sat just inches from me!  What was she doing outside the fence?  How did she get out?  We have lived in this house for eight years and during the first two, when both dogs were much younger and much more spry, they escaped the backyard three times.  The fence is an old patchwork of different types of fencing and after each escape, we found and repaired another hole or gap we had missed the time before.  For six years, the two dogs had only left the backyard when they were leashed and ready to walk our neighborhood or to go to the vet’s office.

I reached down, petted mama dog and grasped her collar, concerned that she may run off.  Both dogs are skittish and easily frightened by loud noises, strange people and other dogs.  After two of the previous escapes, they ran off, scared and panicked, and were not found until hours later.  I did not want that to happen again.  With mama dog in hand, I turned my concern to daughter dog.  Did she escape too or was she still in the backyard?  Was she off running through the neighborhood or was she somewhere near by?  I called her name softly and she rounded the side of my car and joined her mother at my side.

I was so relieved to have them safely next to me and praised them for staying nearby and not leaving our property.  Since it was too dark to investigate the fence, I led the dogs into our Florida room, gave them dishes of water and made beds for them on the terrazzo floor, where they quickly curled up in search of sleep.  Tomorrow my man and I will find and repair the newest escape route in the fence, but, for now, the two dogs are safe, warm and comfortable in their temporary accommodations.

I cannot explain why I could not sleep or why I was nagged by a feeling that I must go outside.  Maybe an angel was whispering to me.  All I know is that if I had not followed that nudge to get up from my warm bed and go out into the chilly night, my dogs would likely be nowhere to be found come morning.

Perhaps this is not a huge miracle, but, to me, it is an amazing and inexplicable miracle, and I cannot help wondering why this experience came to me tonight.  Was it to urge me to be more aware of and to be more willing to follow my inner nudges and instincts?  Was it to teach me that there is always magic and magical happenings around me?  Was it to emphasize that the Universe/God/Source is always sending us helpful messages?  Was it to tell me that anything is possible and that I should practice more trust?  I believe it was for all these reasons and more.  This week, I was again feeling a little overwhelmed and concerned and Mount Dora and my dreams felt very far away.  Now, I feel like I am covered in magical dust and that anything, ANYTHING is possible.

Life is a Labyrinth

Nearly every month my man and I attend a crystal bowl concert/meditation at a local church.  Crystal bowls, also called singing bowls, are bowls of various sizes, but all larger than a typical dinner bowl, made of quartz crystal.  The quartz crystal is extremely resonant, producing lovely, harmonic sounds that you not only hear, but feel throughout your body.  The size and shape of a bowl determines its pitch.  Most bowls sit on the floor or on stands, but some are handheld, allowing the bowl musician to move around a room bringing the intense sounds close to those in attendance.  Crystal bowl concerts are performed for meditation purposes, to ease stress and to balance chakras.  Being present at a crystal bowl concert is a phenomenal experience.  The sounds are simultaneously soothing and vibrant.



At the concerts we attend, people choose to sit in the church seats or ample space is provided for people to lay down, often on yoga mats or blankets where they can rest, meditate and even sleep.  We both leave the monthly concerts feeling calm, centered and relaxed.  Once or twice a year, the church also has a labyrinth set up in the sanctuary.  The labyrinth is used as a walking meditation in conjunction with the crystal bowl concert.  Tonight’s concert included the labyrinth.

A labyrinth is an intricate design of paths that often flow in a circular pattern eventually leading to a center spot, much like a maze.  A walking meditation labyrinth may be a mat made of some sort of fabric that is placed on a large floor, such as a church sanctuary, or it can be a temporary design made of sand or stones in a courtyard.  People follow the paths of the labyrinth, while meditating or praying, until reaching the center where the participants often kneel or stand silently in prayer or meditation.  Sometimes the participants will follow the path from the center back out to the beginning of the labyrinth.  Tonight, as I followed the path of the labyrinth, I contemplated how those circular paths were so much like life.



I prefer linear paths.  Point A leads to Point B in a nice straight line, no detours, no curves, no surprises.  But, life is not linear.  From time to time, we may feel as if we are moving on a straight line, but rarely does that experience last for long.  Life has a way of taking our straight lines and making them elaborate circles, twisting and turning and coming back around as if starting at the beginning again.  Life is a labyrinth.

As I was walking the circular paths tonight, I noticed that a man who started the labyrinth several minutes ahead of me was often walking on a path just inches from my side and the woman who started the walking meditation just seconds in front of me was often on the other side of the labyrinth, as if she had begun long before me or long after me.  Isn't that the way our lives are?  We start off with people, like a sibling, a friend, a partner or spouse, a classmate or a fellow worker, just a little ahead of us or just slightly behind, but as we travel our paths we appear to go in different directions even when traveling the same route.  We are sometimes side-by-side and sometimes distances apart.  At times we may appear to be on a completely different road and other times we nearly bump into each other along our travels.

I noticed that some of the people walking the labyrinth took small, slow steps, while others walked a little faster.  Some paused often to contemplate, while others never stopped until reaching the center.  In life, I've noticed the same.  I started off on the same path as others in my life, but some us often took lengthy pauses and others seemed to rarely pause for more than a moment. Some moved forward slowly, while others reached their goals more quickly.  Some walk softly, some with more determination and some nearly danced.

But, no matter who walks the labyrinth or the journey of life, we each have a circular path.  No one’s journey is a straight line for very long.  Life takes curves.  We are moving straight ahead toward a goal and then there is a curve - one we may have seen coming or one that  takes us by surprise.  The curve turns us back around until we feel like we are starting over, though we never are because we are always moving forward.  Maybe you experience a curve on your path to a career or an educational goal and you find yourself pausing to have a family, to care for someone in need, to grieve a loss, to deal with an illness or a problem, or just to relax, rejuvenate and regroup.  Eventually, you will get around the curve and start in a straight line again, although the goal you are seeking may have changed during the pause.

Life is fits and starts and slow downs and forward races.  It is steady ahead and watch out around the curve.  It is this way, then that way and then back around again.  But, no matter what, life is always forward motion, even when it feels like its not.

Tonight, I noticed that I often appeared to be further from the center of the labyrinth when I was actually nearest and I sometimes was right by the center, just inches away, but I actually had a long way to go on the path until I would truly reach the center.  Life, too, can trick us with illusions.  Our goal may seem terribly far away when the distance to get there is really short or our goal may seem right there, just in front, inches from our noses when, in actuality, our journey has just begun.

This weekend, Mount Dora felt very far away.  I felt like I may never reach my goal of living there and, truthfully, I may not.  I have no idea where my feet are on that journey.  Maybe I am close or maybe not.  Maybe I will reach that goal of living in Mount Dora or maybe I will head around a curve, slow down and realize I was never actually headed there in the first place.  Maybe Mount Dora with be along my path, but I doubt if it will be the final destination of my path.  I will keep circling around, sometimes, moving slow, sometimes speeding up.  I will take the turns and the pauses and sometimes feel like forward motion has stopped.  Then, I will hit a long, straight stretch and the wind will blow through my hair as I race forward feeling triumphant in my progress.  But, no matter how or where I travel, whether the road is straight or curvy, whether my feet are plodding slowly, dancing lightly or racing with the wind at my back, I will make my journey, as you will also, one step at a time, just one step at a time.  

Expectations and Disappointments

I knew Manifesting Mount Dora would be a learning experience for me.  This quest was not just about manifesting soemthing I want, but also about finding answers (or no answers) to questions, seeking enlightenment, embracing change and discerning what really matters.  I have blogged about many lessons that have come my way during the past almost-eight-months and, although I have yet to manifest Mount Dora, I have learned much on this journey and this past weekend presented another learning opportunity. 

Recently, I read "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. Based on native Toltec beliefs, Ruiz teaches about four "agreements" that make life easier and more peaceful.  The agreements are:

Be impeccable with your word
Don't take anything personally
Don't make assumptions
Always do your best

In spite of their simplicity, the agreements are difficult to practice.  Most of us value honesty, but often forget that when we fail to live up to our word, we are are being dishonest.  Most of us make promises without a lot of thought.  I know I am often guilty of wanting so badly to please others, wanting to help out, that I am quick to make a promise without thinking it through.  Do I really have the time or the money to fulfill the promise?  Do I really want to do what I said I would do?  Will the promise create a burden for me?  Should I take on another responsibility right now?  Will fulfilling this promise mean that I must renege on another earlier made promise?

Probably I have the most difficulty with the second and third agreements.  I tend to take everything personally and I make major assumptions, resulting in hurt feelings, misunderstandings and deep disappointments.  Probably, the fourth agreement is the easiest for me as I focus on doing my best whenever I tackle a job. 

My lesson this weekend dealt with my most difficult agreements - don't take anything personally and don't make assumptions.  My birthday is this week. Awhile ago, I made a birthday request of someone, whom I will call "X". I did not ask X for a "thing", but for something X would have to do that would involve others who would also benefit from my gift. X agreed and plans were made.

This past weekend I asked to add one more person to the list of participants and X protested vigorously.  Considering the extra person would require no extra work and is a relatively quiet, pleasant person, I was surprised by X’s negative reaction. I stood my ground and insisted until X relented. 

Later, I was thinking about why X protested the inclusion of that person and although I could not think of a truly good reason, I felt a swirl of negativity around the whole incidence that made me uncomfortable in a way and for a reason I could not identify. My thoughts were waylaid by other activities until later in the day when I noticed X was moody and seemed annoyed. When I pressed for a reason, X went off on a rant about others who would be at the event. X was not complaining about these people participating, but was being critical about other issues regarding them which were not related to my birthday. I disagreed completely with what X was saying and certainly with the way it was being said. In my mind, X was being judgmental without knowing all the facts, but it was very apparent that X had strong feelings, wrongly or rightly.

As I was tending to some chores, I had time to contemplate the two exchanges with X. I realized that the original gift request put X in an difficult position. Had X refused, I would have been hurt. X agreed in an attempt to make me happy and I know X’s intentions were good.  Unfortunately, X was not able to contain negative feelings for others participating in the event and I was hurt by X’s declamation. Ideally, X would have agreed to the event and then would have withheld any negative comments about the attendees until the event was over, but that is not what occurred. I also realized that some of the attendees may have some negative feelings toward X, but, due to their feelings for me, they agreed to participate. Unintentionally, I had created a toxic event for my own birthday.

I broke two of the agreements. I made assumptions that X wanted to do what I requested and that X and the other participants could put aside any negative feelings for one another to make the event successful. Although I am sure the event would have been a success, I had no right to make those assumptions about others. I also had no right to put anyone in a situation where he or she may have felt uncomfortable or resentful. And finally, I let my personal feelings get all mixed up in the situation, something I am very inclined to do. I took X’s unwillingness to include the additional person and X’s verbal explosion personally. My feelings were hurt by statements and words that were not about me.

I chose to cancel the event because it no longer felt "right". There was too much negativity surrounding it. I was not angry nor disappointed because I accepted responsibility for creating an unhealthy situation. That does not mean I agree with X’s rants or attitude, but I accept that X’s feelings are just as real as mine. Perhaps X’s behavior could have been better, but so could have mine. I certainly could have been more sensitive to everyone else’s feelings.

By cancelling the toxic event, a space was created for those who had accepted my previous invitation to plan a new event that was held last night and was a tremendous success. X did not participate, I believe, out of confusion about the whole chain of events. I tried to explain my choice to cancel the original event, but X just did not understand. I felt a little sad that X was not at last night’s event, but I also knew it was the best result for all. And, now X has the opportunity to plan something else for my birthday, if X is so inclined.

In hindsight, I realize I often create toxic situations that leave me disappointed and hurt.  I want everyone I know and love to be together and I want them all to love, or at least respect and like, one another.  Sadly, that is not always the case and, since I am not in charge of everyone else's feelings, I need to accept how they feel and not take their attitudes towards and opinions of others personally.   If I go forward with expectations that rely on the actions of others, I am sure to be disappointed and others may be also. This weekend I learned that if I am forcing something, it probably should not happen.  If I let it go, something better is created in its place. 

　
　
　
　

Mount Dora vs. New York City

Since I am so focused on Manifesting Mount Dora now, my favorite little city was on my mind often while I was vacationing in New Jersey and New York City. My man’s niece took us exploring through the two cities in New Jersey where most of their family members lived when first immigrating to the United States. Both cities are very typical of the heavily populated urban areas in New Jersey and New York. Houses, usually three story buildings with each floor being rented out as separate living units, are built very close together - close enough that neighbors can lean out their windows and shake hands. Backyards, other than concrete driveways, are almost none existent and front yards are usually just small porch-like stoops with maybe a small green area between the house and the sidewalk. Because green space is not available for most houses, the cities have several large parks where children play, families gather, dogs romp and sports are played.

 I grew up in the country. We owned about eight acres of land and our neighbors owned as much, if not more, property. We all had spacious, but not huge or fancy, single family homes, some two-story and some with just one floor. Homes where children lived usually had swing sets and other play or sports equipment in the yards. I had a horse, well really a pony, named Rusty, and we also had multiple dogs and cats over the years, as well as pet goats, a donkey and some ducks. Our nearest towns did not have much by way of parks because green space was abundant where everyone lived. Most houses were built with plenty of acreage between each and on roads with no sidewalks. I could play on my road for hours and not see another person. I roamed alone through woods and fields and even boated up and down the creek in front of my home. My childhood environment was completely different than the places where my man’s children and nieces and nephews grew up.

Mount Dora is more like my childhood home than the places I saw in New Jersey. Although there are many streets, most with sidewalks and lined with homes, those houses are usually single-family homes with spacious yards. But, Mount Dora is also blessed with many beautiful parks - some dedicated to children, some on the water with boat ramps and docks and some with large fields for playing sports. Although my childhood home was many miles from town, the places where my man lived in New Jersey were always within walking distance of many businesses and that is similar to the “old city” of Mount Dora. I love that I don’t have to drive in New Jersey or NYC - public transportation is abundant and convenient. Mount Dora, like most small cities and particularly those in the South, lacks buses and trains, but because the town is small and very pedestrian-friendly, we can spend several days there only needing to drive if we want to go to a grocery store or some other sort of large commercial business. Maybe that is why my man and I both love Mount Dora so much - it is a combination of what is familiar to both of us.

Of course, New York City, particularly Manhattan, is different than all the places we know well. People live mostly in large apartment buildings or brownstones and most people rent, rather than own. Almost no one owns personal green space so the parks in New York City are large and numerous. While everyone where I've lived in the South and almost everyone in Mount Dora owns a car, very few people in New York City do - instead, they rely on public transit like the subway and other train systems, buses and taxi cabs. Again, the lifestyles of people in various places can differ so greatly, we have a hard time imagining what it would be like to live in a place so different than what we've experienced. I am amazed by the diversity of lifestyles in the United States. No wonder Americans sometimes have a hard time understanding one another.

Perhaps one of the biggest differences between city dwellers and those in rural or small city/town areas is the openness of the people. Where I live now, where I grew up and in Mount Dora, as in most Southern towns and cities, people are very open and expressive. We are quick to introduce ourselves to strangers, usually with a big smile, a handshake or a hug. We greet new neighbors with a plate of cookies or a homemade cake and an invitation to dinner. We easily share our life stories and expect the same of others. We like to chat and gossip and can spend hours conversing. We are quick to offer a helping hand or to accept one. We often think of our neighbors as an extension of our families.

In heavily populated places like NYC, being that open and friendly is not advisable and maybe even dangerous. With so many people, there is no way to know who to trust and who to avoid, so avoidance is the default reaction. I smile easily at the people on the streets of New York and I often get strange looks, as though the recipient of my friendly smile thinks I am mentally unstable. Whereas in Mount Dora or in my own city, I can smile abundantly with no one finding my silent, toothy greeting unusual, odd or alarming.

I have intently studied the NYC subway riders who rarely even acknowledge the presence of one another. They sit stony-faced, listening to music through headphones, playing with their smart phones, reading books or newspapers, or sleeping. Unless traveling with someone else or talking on a phone, those expressionless people speak to no one and rarely make eye contact. In crowded spaces, it is important for people to protect their personal space, which is basically nonexistent on crowded trains. Since it is impossible to prevent the invasion of personal space in such conditions, human beings shut down their non-verbal and, to some extent, their verbal communications by remaining as physically expressionless as possible. Even when I try to make eye contact or prompt a smile from a stranger, I almost always fail and the few times I have succeeded and was able to engage the person in conversation, I inevitably discovered he or she was originally from the South or New England.

A fallacy that I had, and many others have, of New Yorkers is that they are unfriendly or rude. That is just not true. We have never been in a situation of needing help that someone did not offer assistance. The first time my man took me to NYC, he was shocked to discover the subways no longer had booths with human beings selling tokens to ride the trains. Booths, people and tokens had been replaced with computers and printed tickets. He had no idea how to use the ticket computers and although I could navigate the screens, I had no idea what choices to make regarding tickets, routes, etc. We stood before one of those computer boxes looking confused and worried when a businessman using the machine next to us noticed our states of panic. Without introduction or chit-chat, he brusquely offered to help, rapidly showed us how to use the computer and quickly disappeared with us yelling, “Thank you!” as he was engulfed in a sea of suits. In the South, the same man would have politely asked if we needed help, he would then have introduced himself and perhaps shared a personal comment or two and then he would have slowly instructed us on the use of the computer and then repeated all the steps to make sure we “got it”, asked if we understood completely, stood nearby to confirm that we were able to purchase our tickets with no problems and then, when he was assured all was well, he would have said good-bye, giving us ample opportunity to say thank-you (probably more than once) and he then would have strolled away after wishing us a good day. The help presented to us in NYC came in a different package, but it was help nonetheless. The businessman saw people in distress and jumped in to give assistance. He did not have spare minutes to pass the time of day. He did not need to know our names nor did he need to share his. He showed us what to do, expected us to pay attention and understand the first time and when his work was done, he left. Short, sweet and to the point. Maybe not what we would call a friendly exchange, but still an act of kindness between strangers.

I love NYC. I love the energy, the excitement, the culture, and the constantly changing environment. But, being there made me realize how strongly I appreciate the small-town feeling of Mount Dora - the friendliness of the people, the slower pace of life, the quiet atmosphere. After vacationing in NYC, I feel I need a vacation from my vacation! But, when I take a break in Mount Dora, I really feel like my battery is recharged. Both places are fabulous, but when it comes to choosing a place to live, I choose Mount Dora.

Being in New Jersey and New York City, provided me with a much needed change of scenery and helped me to appreciate what I have and what I want to manifest. It is always good to have new and different experiences - they broaden our perspectives, increase our knowledge, activate our creativity and help us to better define who we are and what we want. And I know that I still want to Manifest Mount Dora!

Distance

Right now, my dream of Mount Dora seems far away.  For two weeks my focus was on getting well and, although I am much better, I am still running with a less than full tank.  Now I am focusing on getting ready for our fast-approaching eight-day vacation.  Since I was already behind at work from illness, the last few days have felt a little hectic as I tried to get caught up as well as get ahead before my vacation. I also have been helping out more often with my grandchildren and as wonderful as it is to be more actively involved in their lives, it can also be very tiring keeping up with two children under the age of six!  Each night during the last three weeks, I fell exhausted into bed, not feeling very inclined to engage in manifesting practices and meditations.  It has even been more than a week since my last blog post.  My birth year is winding down and, in previous years, the autumn months before my birthday have produced the biggest changes of my year.  The days are passing and at this moment I feel no closer to what I want to manifest.

I could feel sad or disappointed or hopeless, but I don’t.  I have to live life as it comes and I still have my eye on the prize.  Over the last three weeks, I may not have been focusing on it as much, but I have not forgotten it and I am still doing little things to keep my Mount Dora project on my mind.  But, it did take a backseat to getting well, to caring for my grandchildren, to getting caught up at work and to getting ready for vacation.  A vacation from my routine, even the daily manifesting habits I have cultivated, is a good thing. Even a fun, interesting and inspiring project like Manifesting Mount Dora can turn old and tired without a break.  All but one of our mini vacations this year were spent in Mount Dora and as much as I love those long weekend trips to my favorite town, I think its time for a change of scenery.

Have you ever been working hard or studying intently and your mind just freezes or your brain becomes so tired you cannot think anymore or absorb anymore?  What do you do?  Take a break.  Go for a walk, engage in another activity, take a nap, play with your cat.  Well, my break will be a few days in New Jersey and New York.  I will be looking at skyscrapers rather than the one and two story buildings of Mount Dora. I will be walking in Central and Washington Square Parks rather than Donnelly and Grantham Parks. I will stroll down Broadway and Fifth Avenue rather than Baker and Tremain Streets. I will be surrounded by the hectic bustling of a mega-city, rather than the laid back, slow-paced atmosphere of a small, Southern town. I will be donning jackets and socks rather than t-shirts and sandals.  The change will be refreshing and invigorating.

As I prepare to go, I am filled with gratitude that I am able to take this trip, that my daughter and other family and friends will take care of things at home while I am gone, that my clients are flexible enough to allow me an eight-day vacation, that my man's mother is a gracious, fun and loving hostess to us while we are there, that his niece and/or sister provide us with transportation to and from the train station and, most of all, that four years ago my man  introduced me to the excitement and beauty of New York City.

I will have limited time and intermittent internet access for more than a week, so my blog may lay dormant during that time, but that is okay, too.  Even a break from writing this blog, which I love doing, can be renewing.  Because life can become too predictable and too ruttish, we all need time off, downtime, time to have new experiences and see new sights and that is exactly what I am going to do!!  I plan to return feeling healthy, happy, strengthened and focused. 

Mount Dora on Dwellable

Sickbed Lessons

I’ve been sick for more than a week.  Doctor called it “a virus mimicking the flu” that had spawned a sinus infection.  Never have antibiotics been a problem for me, but this time the side-effects of those pills the size of a child’s thumb were nearly as bad as the “virus mimicking the flu” and, in some ways, worse.  My congestion, sinus affection and cough are better but my digestive tract is a wreck and I am weak and dizzy.  Against the dire warnings on the pill bottle label, I have ceased taking the antibiotics - I will take my chances - and am hoping my biological system with right itself in a day or two.   

I worked only sporadically last week and am feeling my stress level climb as I think about the backlog of work that needs to be done before our vacation in less than two weeks.  Today, I am trying, slowly, to accomplish at least a couple of tasks in spite of my depleted state.  My goal is to keep my attention on whatever task is at hand and not obsess about what has been left undone.  

Being sidelined this past week with illness has given me many hours to think.  I thought a great deal about how I/we take our health for granted.  Something as relatively small as a virus can turn daily life upside-down.  I miss feeling well.  I miss having energy.  And, that makes me think about those with more serious, longer-lasting and perhaps even life-threatening illnesses and conditions.  I feel great compassion for anyone who deals with feeling badly every day and great admiration for those who move forward in spite of their physical challenges.  My health needs to be noted in my gratitude journal more often so I won’t take it for granted.  

Yes, my work is languishing, but my clients are still in business.  My illness has caused some inconveniences for a few people, but no one complained and everyone’s life has moved forward with no harm.  Usually what I/we think of as a huge problem is more of a hiccup in life.  I’ve had time to appreciate those who adjust to the bumps in each day, picking up the slack when needed, easing the way for someone like me who may not be at the top of her game for a few days.  

I thought about what makes a normal day successful.  It’s not the big things, not the huge accomplishments, not the over-the-top moments.  A successful day is simply waking up feeling well, having water and electricity to make life easier and food to provide nourishment, having transportation to some sort of work that provides income and a feeling of self-worth and accomplishment, having family and friends to love, having moments of joy filled with laughter, and, finally, sinking into a comfortable, warm bed at night.  My days are successful when my daughter and I have a few moments of conversation and sharing, when my grandchildren hug and kiss me, when my man makes me laugh, when my pets look at me with devotion, when my work is honest and well received.  

So, what does this have to do with Manifesting Mount Dora?  A big part of manifesting something new is appreciating the old - being thankful for what you already have, especially the taken-for-granted everyday blessings.  Getting sick slowed me down and helped me appreciate that my “everydays” are amazing.  I am so grateful to have such a life that I can actually have a project like Manifesting Mount Dora!  For so many, their manifesting project would be to create a life with enough food to never feel hungry, steady work to always have enough money to pay the bills, a safe and comfortable place to live, the love and support of family and friends, and the freedom to pursue education, self-fulfillment and personal dreams.  Our paths are different, but we all want to manifest SOMETHING.  And to move forward on any path, we need to look behind us with appreciation and gratitude and to look forward with appreciation and gratitude because that is what life is about - appreciation and gratitude.  

The Power of The Butterfly

The Butterfly Effect is a chaos theory that a small action can affect larger, more complex systems on the other side of the world.  The idea of the Butterfly Effect is attributed to Edward Norton Lorenz, a mathematician and meteorologist, who applied his theory to weather patterns.  His theory was that  a small, seemingly inconsequential action in one corner of the world, such as the motion of a butterfly's wings, can affect weather in another corner of the world.  His theory has been expanded and applied to many aspects of human life - a small action of one individual grows and flows forward affecting others in its path.  Although Lorenz’s theory as applied to weather has never been proved, we time and again see the proof of the Butterfly Effect as applied to our actions.  Of course, we know that our personal actions and decisions usually affect those in our lives - our family members, our friends, our co-workers - but we may not realize that those actions and decisions can affect those whom we don’t know and may never know.  It may happen step-by-step which is easy to understand: I make a decision that affects one person causing them to take a certain action that affects someone else and so on.  But, there is also the greater, more complex, less easy to comprehend theory that what is learned, done, or changed in one place automatically, not step-by-step but through some sort of universal energy or knowledge, makes a change hundreds or thousand of miles away.  Both applications of the Butterfly Effect are fascinating and I’ve had a personal experience with the Butterfly Effect through this blog.

I started the Manifesting Mount Dora blog to keep myself focused on my desire to manifest a new home and new life in Mount Dora, Florida.  I knew this endeavor would be a learning experience and I wanted a record of my journey and what I learned along the way.  By sharing the blog, I thought it would be interesting to see if anyone else was interested in or inspired by my life experiment.  I thought a few of my friends might read my blog now and again, but I did not expect more attention than that, which was fine since I was writing it for myself.  As the weeks passed, I was amazed to read my blog statistics and discover that people from all over the world were reading it.  I could guess who some of those people in other countries were since I have many Facebook friends around the world, but I have no connections in some of the other countries in my blog stats.  It amazes me that people a world away are interested in this more-than-middle-aged woman in Florida who is using the Law of Attraction to create a new life.  I wonder who these people are, what their lives are like, why they are interested in my blog.  Almost all the comments generated by my blog have been from friends, so I don’t even know what the unknown people think of my musings.  Are they inspired, amused, surprised, shocked, entertained or just curious?  Are my posts affecting their lives in any way?

We have seen how thoughts, ideas, and even revolutions go viral online, affecting how we live, the choices we make, the chances we take, the way we dream.  Our world is truly getting smaller which can be inspiring or frightening.  A relatively unknown person in the U.S. makes a movie about Muhammad that is deemed to be insulting to Islam and people riot around the world, breaching U.S. embassies and killing innocent people.  A bus monitor is tormented by the children in her care and people around the world donate money so she can take a vacation.  Someone posts that an actor is dead and soon everyone is talking about it and re-posting the story even though it is not true.  An injustice in small town USA is detailed in the online news and petitions are created that hundreds of thousands of people sign to right the wrong.  We are inundated with causes to support or ignore.  We are brought to tears or enraged by stories that ten years ago we would never have known.  We get caught up in the real and the unreal, the truth and the lies.

There is great power in the written word these days - more so than in the past because today words travel so quickly and can do such harm or produce so much good.  We seem to have become more vulnerable, less likely to research what is true and what is not.  We jump on bandwagons, wave the flags of causes and riot in the streets without taking the time to check out the facts, without reflecting on the effects of our actions or pausing to take a breath before passing on that juicy tidbit that may or may not be true.  A decade or so ago our over-reactions and our impetuousness would likely only have caused a limited amount of damage or perhaps none at all.  Now our reckless actions may cause deaths half a world away.  Or, in the case of supporting a worthy cause, we can truly change a condition or someone’s life in an amazingly positive way.

I love that people are reading what I am writing and although I don’t think I am writing anything questionable or dangerous, I hope that my readers realize that this is my experience and my life and what I write does not necessarily represent the lives of anyone else in the United States or in Florida.  I hope they realize I am one woman figuring out what life is about and trying my best to create a life that is amazing for me.  If someone gets inspired or encouraged or comforted by something I write, I am thrilled, but I hope they use that inspiration, encouragement or comfort to figure out their own lives, to define their own possibilities and to reach for their own stars in whatever heavens they may be.

I encourage everyone to walk gently on this earth because we do affect one another, even half a world away, and we should want our effects to be positive, not destructive.  We have no comprehension of the power we wield through the written word online.  Let’s use that power to lift up one another, to encourage those who feel hopeless, to help those who are down, to teach those who want to learn, to feed those who are hungry, to respect those who are different.  Let’s use that power to embrace and to educate.  We are living the Butterfly Effect every day and The Power of The Butterfly is daunting.  Use it wisely, use it with caution.  We can be the change we want to see in the world or we can be the change that ends the world.  It is our choice.

What Does It Mean?

I am at a women's retreat at Santa Rosa Beach in the Florida Panhandle.  I've never been this far west in the state and I have never attended a retreat that was longer than a day.  We arrived yesterday at noon and will leave tomorrow at noon.  There are seven of us here: the retreat facilitator Vickie Spray, our massage therapist Katrine, myself and four other women.  None of us is like the other.  We are different ages and sizes and we brought different life experinces to this place.  What we do have in common is our desire to release our fears and our willingness to share and support one another on this two-day spiritual journey.  I am grateful for this opportunity, for Vickie creating this welcoming and safe group, for the lovely home where we are staying and the two women I've never met who created such a warm and inviting space and who are allowing those they don't know to experience it.  I am grateful for all the other women here who are sharing deeply, allowing dark corners of their lives to rise to the surface so we can all heal together.  I am thankful for the hours of self-care we are experiencing through naps, conversations, massages, walks, the beach, laughter, and good food.

In the spring I attended the Spritual Faire at the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship in my town where I met a woman selling hand-made beaded bracelets.  Each one was unique - sizes, colors and types of stones and beads varied.  Some had metal beads with letters or numbers etched on them.  She instructed me to think of a request I have for the Universe and then "listen" for the bracelet that spoke to me.  I purchased one with earthy-colored stones, many shaped like half-moons, and a metal bead with an 8 on it, which the woman said was the symbol of prosperity.  It seemed apropos since my request, unspoken and therefore unknown to the  bracelet creator, was for the financial prosperity I need to create a new home and life in Mount Dora.  She put the bracelet on my wrist and told me to wear it 24/7 until it released itself from me.  When that happens, she said, you will know that you no longer need the bracelet.  In spite of being unsure what that meant, I walked away contented with my pretty, unusual bracelet.  I wore it every moment since, until yesterday.  Shortly after arriving at the beach retreat, I was in the bathroom changing into some cooler clothing when my left wrist hit against a towel rack.  It was not a hard hit, but it obviously was enough for my bracelet to "release itself from me".  I watched sadly as the lovely earthy-hued beads dropped to the floor, bouncing and rolling in all directions.  My pretty bracelet was gone.  What did that mean to me?  Do I believe that the bracelet could fulfill a wish?  Does the loss of it mean my wish has been fulfilled?
 
Physical evidence at this time says that I have not achieved the financial prosperity to, as I like to say, Manifest Mount Dora, but perhaps I am on the road, or it will occur soon or maybe I have learned an important lesson that will lead toward that goal.  I am not sure.  I can't help but feel that the releasing of the bracelet during this retreat weekend has some sort of significance.  I look at my left wrist and it seems bare without my unique bracelet and even replacing it with one of the many other bracelets I own seems inadequate. And, yet, I also have a feeling of acceptance that it was time for the bracelet to be released or to release me.  This may all seem so silly, like childish wishful thinking, but yet it feels very strongly significant to me.  I have no idea if the bracelet had any power or any lessons to teach or if I am just projecting more importance to a piece of jewelry than it could possibly have.  But, I do know that, although I miss it,  I feel a sense of completion without it.  After almost five months of wearing the bracelet, I have no answers;  I have only more questions.  But, if this journey of Manifesting Mount Dora has taught me anything, its that progress is only made when we ask questions.  Questions spur the seeking that creates the journey.  I often looked at my bracelet and considered financial prosperity, what that meant to me and what fears I have surrounding that idea.  Maybe the job of the bracelet was to encourage the questions that lead to the seeking that leads to the answers.  Maybe those questions are what led me to this weekend retreat and maybe that is why the bracelet was released or released me.  

"Who's Got It Better Than Us?"

"Who's got it better than us?" is the quote attributed to Vincent DiMartino, Sr. on a memorial  plaque that adorns a bench in Elizabeth Evans Park in Mount Dora.  Mr. DiMartino is certainly deceased, but I know I would have liked him.  I imagine he was a boisterous, fast-talking Italian man who loved his family, good food and happy gatherings.  He counted his blessings and knew what a fortunate man he was.  His family loved him enough to dedicate a park bench to him, adding his favorite saying to the memorial plaque.  Someone also painted daisy-like flowers on the bench, the only bench of the several in the park that was adorned with a quote and artwork.  I think that speaks to the specialness of Mr. DiMartino, whom, I am sure, would prefer to be called Vincent.  I imagine the innocent-looking flowers were painted by a grandchild who misses Papa Vincent very much.

Perhaps we should all go around saying, "Who's got it better than us?"  I know that was not a saying in my childhood home, but I would like to rewrite the story of my youth so it was.  I know it certainly was not the saying in the home I shared with my husband for 28 years.  In fact, if a park bench was dedicated to him and a quote added to his plaque, it would say, "If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all."  Or, perhaps, "I was born on a Wednesday and you know that Wednesday's child is full of woe."  And so was our house, much of the time.  He expected bad luck and that is what he got, but, sadly, so did I.  My nickname was once Pollyanna after the ever-cheerful and optimistic character played by Hayley Mills in the movie of the same name, but after several years living with Wednesday's Child of Woe, Pollyanna became Sad Sack Sally who believed that "Life sucks and then you die."

Who we spend time with matters.  Maybe we cannot choose the families who raise us, but as adults we can take the lessons from those negative family situations and move forward into our adulthood wiser and happier.  We, as grown-ups, can consciously choose to surround ourselves with those who appreciate, teach, embrace, encourage and inspire us.  We can look for the Vincents and avoid the Wednesday Children of Woe.

We can strive to surround ourselves  with beauty, to fill our minds with inspiration and to wonder, "Who's got it better than us?"  Plant some flowers, hang a piece of art, keep your home clean and organized, pick up trash on the streets, recycle, laugh often, have parties and dinners, dance whenever you can, read wonderful stories and inspirational books, travel as much as possible, meet new people wherever you are, sing with gusto, get out of the house, smile at everyone, help those who have less than you, give hearty hugs, learn something new everyday, embrace diversity, be excited about change, cry when necessary and then stop crying, find something creative to do regularly, teach what you have learned, plan a life that is full to overflowing.  I know Vincent DiMartino, Sr. did and that is why he often exclaimed, "Who's got it better than us?"

Living Small

As a child, I thought big and I dreamt even bigger, as most of us do.  But, my thoughts and dreams shrunk in size as I matured.  Life experiences deflated me, people cautioned me, and I succumbed to fear and self-doubt, as most of us do. 

Well-meaning mentors, family members and friends told me "don't bite off more than you can chew", "be practical", "you can't support yourself doing that", "life is hard, plan ahead", "work hard, then work harder" and all those sorts of advice comments we have all heard during our lifetimes. 

Plans I had went awry.  Unexpected problems interferred with my life.  Failures knocked me down.  Doubts crept in.  Fears took hold.  And, I began to think and dream smaller, then even smaller.  I was like a balloon losing air. By my early twenties that balloon was languishing on the ground, mostly deflated. 

I could put blame on others for poor advice and for instilling fears. I could blame life itself for what did not occur that I wanted to happen and what did occur that I did not want to happen or could not even have imagined happening.  And, I did dish out the blame for many years.  But, that did not benefit me in any way.  In fact, the blame game just made me feel bitter and angry and even more defeated.  Why try when I cannot control much, if hardly anything, that happens in my life? 

The biggest lie I was told by all those well-meaning advice-givers was that I could control my life.  I could plan and chart a life course and with diligence follow it precisely to great successes.  Not true - at least for me.  I know some who have appeared to do just that.  They decided at an early age what they wanted to do in life, they went to school or obtained the experience and training they needed, they worked hard or at least diligently in their chosen profession and lived a life that was successful on many levels.  Some may not have done so well in other areas which are not so easily planned.  Some had relationships and family lives that were filled with disappointment and unexpected consequences, but some were fortunate to have personal lives just as or even more successful and fulfilling as their professional ones.  I used to hate those people.  I was filled with jealousy that they walked a clear path with no pitfalls or unexpected detours.  Why did they seem so blessed and I was not?  Of course, if I dared looked honestly at my life, in spite of the unexpected occurrences and roadblocks along the way, my life appeared to be much better than the lives of many who seem to walk with a dark cloud of impending doom over their heads.

Comparing my life to someone else's was a waste of time and emotions.  Now, I see that we are all here for different reasons, to have different experiences and to learn and grow from all the pitfalls, detours and problems that litter our paths.  We can plan and dream (planning and dreaming are good), but unless we are in touch with our inner guidance system, unless we are incorporating what we learn into our daily practices, unless we are being grateful for all the many blessings in our lives (even if it appears others have more blessings), and unless we are open to change and adjustments, we will always seem to be failing and losing our way.  Of course, we aren't.  We are moving forward just as we need to.  We are having experiences to learn just what we need to know.  We feel stuck, we feel lost, we feel defeated, but that is because we are out of touch with who we really are and what we are here to accomplish.  Tap into your inner guidance system or to your higher power or to your intuition and your life will become smoother and clearer.  Too often we learn that lesson later in life and then we feel we missed the boat.  The knowledge and connection came too late.  Now, we have something new to hold us back.  Age.  I am too old, I can't start over now, there isn't enough time left to do what I want to do, I no longer have the energy I need. . .

Thoughts like that are new barriers that we create for ourselves.  I know I often feel that way.  I am too old now.  I wish I had learned all this when I was younger and my life could have been so much more, so much fuller, so much better.  I wish, I wish, I wish.  Wishing is NOT dreaming.  Wishing is a terrible waste of time and energy.  I am working hard to replace wishes with dreams and then taking those dreams to a new level where I actualize them through The Law of Attraction.  And, still, sometimes I feel that it is all moving too slow because I am getting older every day and, really, how much time do I have left?  That is when I try to remember that my great-aunt lived to be 104 and my man's mother will be 93 in a month.  Maybe I have lots of time left and maybe I don't, but I prefer to bet that I do.  Otherwise, I will just sit here passively and decay.  Nope, not appealing at all. 

Once, while I was attending a prosperity class, I had a dream in which myself and another class member were standing before a building with a sign on it that said "The Center for Peace and Prosperity".  I woke up from that dream, remembering it in detail, and knowing, without a doubt, that it was the woman standing with me before that glorious Center for Peace and Prosperity who had created it.  I gave her full credit for the Center although no words were exchanged in my dream; there was no signage indicating she was the founder of the Center; there was absolutely NO REASON for me to believe she was the creator of the Center.  But, that is what I thought.  Why?  Because I could not imagine myself doing something so grand; I could not accept that I was capable of such a glorious creation.  I was thinking small, dreaming small, living small.

I recently had a very similar dream.  I saw a building, although it looked different than the one in my original dream and, in fact, it looked very similar to a building in Mount Dora, and on that building was a sign that said "The Center for Peace and Prosperity".  I stood there alone.  I stood there feeling proud.  When I awoke, I knew that in my dream I was the creator of the The Center for Peace and Prosperity.  Perhaps I was also the creator in my original dream, but I was unable, at that time, to seem myself as a creator or a builder or a manifestor. So, I gave the credit to someone else.

Now I can see myself that way.  Now I can give myself credit for something that I very much dream of manifesting in Mount Dora.  Besides my home, my retirement and my new life in Mount Dora, I can now imagine part of that new life being "The Center for Peace and Prosperity".  Yes, I can see that.  Yes, I can live bigger.  

Sharing The Energy

I am energetic and excited about my Manifesting Mount Dora project.  I love writing this blog about it.  I love thinking about Mount Dora, visiting there regularly and visualizing our home and life there.  Some days my enthusiasm is higher than others and, although I can usually conjure up at least some positive thoughts about my manifesting enterprise, little help is welcome.  In answer to my desire for help, The Universe provided a class. 

About two or three weeks ago, I was nearly finished reading a book called "Creating Money: Attracting Abundance" by Sanaya Roman and Duane Packer - a book I had hesitated reading because of the title - I feared it would be overly materialistic, but that was not the case at all.  In fact, the book looks evenly at abundance from all aspects, not just the money angle.  At the end of each chapter there are exercises called "playbooks", but I had skipped those intending to come back to them later.  To my surprise, as I neared the end of the book, I received a Facebook message from Mary Madeline Day inviting me to a class on that same book.  Her class would run for 12 weeks on Tuesdays.  Tuesdays are not good for me and I emailed her my regrets about not being able to attend.  Since I was the first person to show an interest in the class, she offered to move it to whatever night worked for me.  Not only did I get a great class to help bolster my manifesting enthusiasm, but I was given the opportunity to choose the day of the week for the class! 

Our first class had 13 people in attendance, including Madeline.  Many had not known about the class or decided to attend until late that afternoon and I believe I was the only person, other than Madeline, who had previously read the book.  In fact, most did not even have a copy of the book.  The bulk of our time was spent getting to know one another and sharing why we were there and what we wanted to gain from the class, ending with a meditation.  We had another session last night and I thoroughly enjoyed the entire experience, especially the sharing of experiences and insights.  A standout inspiration for me was when one of my classmates shared that he had been trying to manifest a new mate and he always imagined the needs and desires that she would fulfill for him, seeing himself as the magnet attracting her. During a recent visualization practice, he was inspired to start thinking of her as trying to manifest him and what needs and desires he could answer in her life.  Changing his imagery to include her as a manifestor increased the power he felt when he was doing his visualization.  What a wonderful idea to think not only of me as manifesting something, but also think of that thing or person as manifesting me.  I can imagine a house in Mount Dora waiting for my family and me to fill its emptiness with laughter and love. Since everything is energy, it is easy to imagine even inanimate objects as sending out magnetic rays to attract you at the same time you are engaged in attraction practices on your end.  I loved this idea and am now practicing it regularly. 

This week I managed to manifest a painting into my life.  I took advantage of my grandchildren being gone for two weeks to redecorate my living room and dining room.  I have worked hard on this project which is why I have not been blogging as much.  I am determined to get everything completed before they arrive home on Sunday.  After my mom passed away, I inherited a framed magazine cover that shows a photo of her and another bicycle racer (she was one of the first female bicycle racers).  The frame is of a rather old-fashioned gold style that matches nothing I have, but I was afraid that the magazine cover would disintegrate if I tried to reframe it.  I decided to place it on a wall in my dining room, but it there was too much space around it.  Something else needed to be added, but I had nothing that matched the gold frame.  I shopped and shopped looking for a gold frame that I could use for some other photo I had on hand or a piece of artwork with a gold frame that would be complimentary, but I found nothing.  Soon I fell into the time-is-running-out-I-have-to-get-this-done-NOW mindset, which inevitably leads to poor choices and wasted money.  Time to chill.  So what if I don't finish that one wall before the children return?  Its okay.  So, I let it be, just staring at it from time to time, imagining what might look good there.  Fast forward a few days.  One of my clients is in the process of closing his business and out of the blue he offered to give me one of the paintings in his office.  I never told him this, but for the past 14 years working there I have admired and lusted for that painting.  And, conveniently, it is in a gold frame and is the right size to compliment my mom's photo!  To make it even better, the painting is called "The Grandmother of God" - somehow that seems a fitting name for a piece of artwork to hang next to my deceased mom's photo.  All that time I spent staring at the empty wall space and imagining what would look nice there led to the manifesting of not only a painting that is fitting, but a painting that I have long admired and wished to own.  I think that is really, really cool.

So, if I can manifest a painting, I have no doubt that I can manifest my new life and home in Mount Dora.  And, I will be doing just that as I go to Mount Dora later this month and walk around the town imagining myself living there, when I identify the house that I know is trying to manifest me as its owner and as I trust that all our acquaintances in Mount Dora are wishing to manifest me as their neighbor.  

I Want What I Want When I Want It!

One of the biggest disappointments in life is - well, disappointment. Disappointment is not being happy with a result. To be disappointed one must have expectations. Expectations come from a sense of desire or control. We want something and we do what we can, if anything, to control the process so we obtain our desired outcome. Sometimes we are successful, but often, not. A vacation is ruined because the weather was rainy. Someone else, perhaps undeservedly, got the promotion you wanted. The store sold out of the dress that was perfect for your birthday party. In spite of hours of hard work, your boss did not like your project presentation. Regardless of your constant encouragement, your son does not want to play baseball.


I have been called, with good reason, a control-freak. I am better than I once was, but I still have issues with letting go of control. Trying to always be in control is a sure way to experience disappointment. First, we cannot control everything or, really, very much. Second, we tend to try and control others and that is just plain impossible.


I used to work ridiculously long hours, rarely taking a vacation or days off. I felt like my work life was out of control, but actually I had a great deal of control at work and that was causing me to lose control in other areas of my life. Because I felt like I had little control at home, in spite of Herculean efforts otherwise, I spent more time at work where I had more control. The more I worked, the less control I had elsewhere. A vicious cycle and a life out of balance.


Since I rarely took time off, when I did, I wanted my plans to go exactly as I hoped. Inevitably they did not, which I took as a personal slap in the face from God or The Universe or whomever. If I worked 60 hours a week, the weather should cooperate on my one weekend off, right? And, when it didn't, I was not only disappointed, I was angry, sullen, depressed and inconsolable. How dare life do this to me? I work hard. I deserve my few breaks to be perfect, don't I?


I chose, on some level, to live an unbalanced life. I was not respecting myself, others in my life or all aspects of my life - home, relationships, work, spirit, recreation, etc. - so why would l expect life or The Universe or God to respect me? I honestly thought the weather should conform to my expectations and yet most days I was so busy working or I was so tired, I did not appreciate or even notice the weather.


Expectations, whether reasonable or not, set us up for disappointment. We all experience disappointment, even those of us who are not control-freaks. If disappointment comes your way, you can either go with the flow adjusting your sails to the new wind direction or you can fight against the wind - an effort that will exhaust you but probably not change anything - or you can just give up and be angry, depressed and sullen. Allowing that we all face disappointment because we are human and we want what we want, the only way to survive disappointment unscarred is to adjust your sails and allow the new wind to direct you to some place unexpected. You may have wanted to arrive in Hawaii, but ended up in Seattle - so, enjoy Seattle! You may have wanted the big promotion, but after being overlooked again, you moved on to a new and better position with a different employer. You may have had your eye set on the burgundy living room furniture, but won't the green do just as well, if not better?


My grandkids have reached the age of disappointment. Children until the age of 3 or 4 live in the moment. Their desires are short-lived, easily forgotten. Their memories are short. Disappointment is not a big part of their lives. My grandson is now 5 and he is starting to have desires and remembers what was promised and never delivered. He wanted to go to Dinosaur World and without much consideration I agreed to take him there this summer. As the heat and humidity descended on Florida, I had second thoughts of spending hours walking around an amusement park of fake dinosaurs with two small children, all of us grumpy from heat exhaustion. I suggested a different trip, one that would provide us with a cooler experience. Still living in the moment much of the time, he jumped at my suggestion and off we all went. We had a fabulous time, but days later he started thinking about Dinosaur World and became petulant that we had not gone there, in spite of the great time he had on our alternate vacation. I assured him we will go in the fall, but still he was disappointed. Life was easier for the adults in my household when his memory was shorter and his expectations nonexistent. Now he, and to some extent his younger sister, are beginning to have wants that they remember and when we, or life, do not deliver as requested, disappointment and sometimes tears are the result. They have a long and tear-filled process ahead to learn to let go of expectations and disappointments.


How like small children I am! I want what I want when I want it and I deserve it! But as an adult, I need to realize that what I want may not be best for me at all or at least at this time, like Dinosaur World in the summer. And, as disappointing as that realization is, there is a flip side that is exciting and encouraging. Sometimes what I get is better than what I wanted. Sometimes not getting what I wanted is a blessing. Sometimes I may desire something and it seems impossible to obtain (I have no control) but what I want is for my own good or the good of others in my life, so the obstacles seem to miraculously dissolve. That is manifesting - getting into alignment so your desires are good for you or for others.


I want to Manifest Mount Dora. I am not sitting here idly. I am working on myself and my manifestation through visualization, writing, gratitude and any other life-affirming action I can take. But, I have, with great effort, let go of the hows and whens of the process and although I have a vision of what I want to manifest, I am open to adjusting my sails to a change in wind. If I can continue with this semi-detached attitude, I can avoid disappointment if my vision does not become a reality or if it manifests in a different way or at a different time than what I hope for. And, yet, I want what I want and I still hope to obtain it, but I know, because I am learning and evolving as I skip along this path of Manifesting Mount Dora, the end result of the journey cannot possibly be a disappointment.

7/23/12 Thinking Magically

“And suddenly you know: It's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.”   Meister Eckhart

I was thinking a lot about new beginnings recently when I came across this quote.  Seems like many people around me are undergoing major life changes - separations and divorces, moves, unexpected pregnancies, lost jobs, businesses closing, family upheavals, deaths of loved ones.  Many of these changes appear to be negative, bringing pain, confusion, sadness, stress, self-doubt, anger, disillusionment, and disappointment.  Yet, all these changes have the potential to become positive, life-affirming and inspirational.  Most of the negativity that surrounds change stems from fear and when we fear change we cannot view it as something magical.

Fear is normal and healthy, in the correct situation and with the right amount of restraint.
Fear is a warning that an action, situation, desire, or even a thought could produce danger and requires further consideration, or in already dangerous conditions, fear warns us that immediate action is required.  Fear has its place but being in fear should not be anyone’s daily state.

If you are in a situation that is truly dangerous, such as an abusive relationship, try your best to find a way out - ask for help, go to the authorities, search for a way to remove yourself from the dangerous circumstance.  If you are in a dangerous place, such as a crime-ridden neighborhood, you may not be able to leave right now, but you can take many steps to keep yourself as safe as possible and perhaps work toward moving somewhere less dangerous in the future.

But, the fear that surrounds endings and new beginnings is a different type of fear.  Sometimes we just overreact to situations.  We worry incessantly about something that we cannot change or that we cannot even predict.  That form of fear is irrational and extremely unhealthy, often leading to a myriad of illnesses.   Being cautious when dealing with changes, even obviously happy ones, is commendable, but being actually fearful, when you have no identifiable and rational reason for the fear, is not.  Fear holds us back, keeps us stuck, halts our growth and progression, blocks prosperity.

I know a great deal about fear.  I spent most of my adult life fearing change.  I did not look or seem fearful and no one would have described me that way, but fear was my constant companion.  Even recognizably good changes created pangs of fear deep in my core.  Due to fear, I held back, lived small and too cautiously, and watched life pass me by.  Fortunately, I believe I am past that now.  Changes can still cause that catch in my throat, the one that happens just before you muffle a cry, or keep me awake until I hear the morning newspaper delivered at 4 AM, but, it feels more like worry and less like fear.  Worry is not much better than fear, but I find I can control worry more easily than fear.  Fear tends to paralyze me, even when I know what I should do or least when I know I should be doing something, but worry just consumes and annoys me for awhile and disrupts my balance and then usually I can brush it aside and move on.

The people I know going through all those changes have experienced some fear and worry, plus many of those other emotions I named, but they are moving forward, taking positive steps and looking for ways to resolve or accept their situations.  Some dealt with the negative emotions more quickly and more efficiently than the others.  Those who muddled through at a slower rate had bigger lessons to learn, I believe.

The real challenge is knowing “it’s time to start something new” and trusting in the “magic of beginnings”.  I know I tend to concentrate on the ending, rather than the beginning.  A marriage is ending, but a new phase of life is beginning.  A job has ended, but the possibility of a new, better job is beginning.  Focusing on the new beginning can make the ending easier to assimilate.  I know, all that positive thinking stuff is hard to wrap your head around when you are worried about where you will live, how you will pay your bills, and all the many other concerns that come along with changes, especially unexpected, and perhaps unwelcome, changes.  If someone says, “Think positive” you probably want to positively punch them in the gut.

“Think positive” has become trite and annoying.  Perhaps “think magical” is better and more genuine.  I mean, truly, when you are faced with what seems to be a horrible, uninvited, undesired change, thinking positive either seems hopeless or wimpy.  But, “thinking magical” is, well, magical.  We cannot really predict what sort of action or occurrence might happen that could be called magical.  We don’t know how to make magic happen, so we have to let go and let God or The Universe or Source or whomever or whatever take over.  We have to BELIEVE that somehow, someway everything will work out well for all those involved and that in the process we will learn the lessons we need to absorb to move forward in our spiritual progression.

Why is Disney World/Land so popular?  Because it is magical.  You leave your cares and concerns at the gate and enter a place where imagination and magic rule.  I have no idea how all those fun and fantastic Disney experiences are produced, but I don’t need to know nor do I want to know.  If I knew, that wonderful feeling of magic would evaporate like snowflakes on a sunny day.  Sometimes believing in and relying on magic is just what we need.

Of course, we don’t live in Disney World, so walking around we our heads in the clouds thinking that all of our problems will magically go away is not advisable.  We can think magically, meaning that we leave our minds open for unexplained and seemingly magical resolutions to our problems, but we also need to be ready to act when some magic comes our way.  Magic may bring an unbelievable job opportunity to your doorstep, but magic will not give you that much needed job if you do not make the effort to obtain it.  Magic may arrange for you to meet the man/woman of your dreams in the most unlikely of places, but magic cannot create the relationship if you don’t open your mouth and have a conversation.  Thinking magically does not mean thinking stupidly or thinking passively - it means thinking creatively and passionately - being open to new and different ideas, solutions, suggestions and experiences.

My grandchildren think magically every day.  Some of their imaginings are the nonsense of childhood, but some are the thoughts of innocent minds that have not been bullied, beaten down, disappointed and disillusioned - the thoughts that say, “Why not?” or “I believe I can.” or “Who says I can’t?”  They believe in angels, super heroes, fairy princesses and princes and all the wonderful things that go along with those characters.  They believe that good prevails over evil and that there is always a happy ending.  Naive and simple, yes.  But, to me, their innocent beliefs are also inspiring.  Evil may win a lot, happy endings are not promised and fairy-tale characters almost never come to our aid or befriend us, but does it hurt to think that some of those things may happen?  I believe that each of us deserves and receives magic in our lives every day. When we stop believing in that magic, when we stop looking for it and welcoming it, when we stop being grateful for our daily dose of magic, we lose touch with what is the most special and spiritual part of existence. And, then we lose touch with our humanity.


I want to look at life magically.  I want to think magically.  Maybe I am being naive, but maybe I am just being hopeful - hopeful that something I cannot reason my way through, something that causes fear in the pit of my stomach, something that changes my life in ways I cannot immediately accept can magically turn into good.  I want to proactively think magically, too.  I want to believe that magic can create something wonderful in my life.  Manifesting Mount Dora is definitely magically thinking and I am alright with that. I choose to think magically and manifest magically and that is how my home in Mount Dora will be magically created.   

7/19/12 The Importance of Fun

As adults we often forget how important having fun is.  We get busy, we get serious, we get tied down, we get important, we get needed and suddenly there’s no time for fun.  Fun looks frivolous and seems a waste of precious hours that could be spent on making money, going to school, or just doing something inane that fools us into thinking we are chillin’.  Our lives revolve around schedules and fun is rarely scheduled, but maybe it should be.

Perhaps some of you are the lucky ones who learned about balance during your childhood.  Maybe you grew up in a well-balanced family that made time for fun as well as work.  Or maybe your family life was all screwed up, but you figured out how to create balance yourself or you learned it from someone else while you were still young.  I was a late bloomer when it came to balance and to appreciating fun.

Most of my childhood was spent without a mom at home and with a dad who was a far cry from Fred MacMurray.  After the age of seven, when my oldest sister was no longer living at home, I was expected to grow up FAST.  I had many household responsibilities and mistakes were not tolerated.   My father worked six days a week at his business and he was not very tolerant of anyone slacking off, including me.  He rarely took time off.  The few vacations we took were to visit relatives - more like obligations than real vacations.  Obviously, I did not learn balance at home.  But, in spite of having more obligations than a typical child at the time (and yet certainly fewer than many others), I was still a child and playtime and creating fun were part of my life.  But, I did not see much fun in my father’s life and that is the lesson I learned - fun is fine for kids, but should be very limited for adults.

Once I got married at 21, my allotted time for fun became less and less every year.  My job and housework took up most of my time.  My “free” time was spent reading, which I love, but which is not the kind of fun I am talking about.  The fun of which I speak is DOING something that is out-of-the-ordinary, maybe exciting, the kind of activities that create lifetime memories.  That is the kind of fun I rarely had.  As with my father, most vacations with my husband were to visit relatives.  Sure, those trips could be fun, but they were also usually stressful and brought up old, unresolved family issues that dampened any enjoyment.  Any just-for-the-fun-of-it trips were quick day trips that may have provided a break from the routine and may even have been a little fun, but certainly were not those creating-forever-memory types of activities.  For us, money was always a issue.  When you struggle to pay the bills, you feel guilty if you “waste” money on fun or vacations or any kind of loving self-care.


At most of my jobs I worked more than 40 hours a week and often as many as 60 hours a week.  Add my commute times, which, depending on where we lived, ranged from 30 minutes to 90 minutes, and my work days were very long.  Besides the issue of available funds for recreation, I was just too darn tired to even think about planning something fun.  And that is how I felt without children!!  I look at my daughter raising two kids and I worry that she too will lose touch with having fun, but, fortunately, she is more balanced than I ever was at her age. 

It was not until I started my “new life” eight years ago that I began to learn about the importance of fun as an adult.  The new man in my life relished leisure time and made a point of planning fun activities.  He taught me to slow down.  By the time he entered my life, I was very deeply exhausted, physically and spiritually.  Being retired, he took care of the house, my pets and me.  I was still working, and sometimes long hours, but at least the work did not continue when I got home.  I felt guilty coming home to a cooked meal, an orderly house and clean clothes, with nothing to do but relax, but I adjusted and welcomed the much need rest he was providing for me.  Money was still a huge issue for the first few years we were together, but being a master of balance, he taught me how to find inexpensive ways to have fun.  And, once I was rested after years of being overextended, I felt more like getting out and doing activities that were fun, different and stimulating. 

Now, I schedule fun.  I check the newspaper for activities in my city.  We go to plays, movies, concerts, book-signings, art galleries, classes, festivals.  We go for walks and out to dinner and meet friends for coffee.  We entertain in our home.  Although money is less restricted, we still find many things to do that are free or inexpensive.   Most importantly, we get the heck out of town several times a year.  A change of scenery can do so much to give me a fresh perspective and a lift in my mood.  Of course, now we go to Mount Dora several times a year and that is fabulous, but we also go to New Jersey/New York City every year and have spent time in St. Augustine, Myrtle Beach and South Florida.  This fall I am going on a two-day women’s beach retreat that will be an entirely different experience.

I also schedule little trips with my daughter and grandchildren.  This past weekend we went to Tavares, Mount Dora and Deland.  We took seaplane rides, went to a splash park and a playground, took a nature walk and watched the sunset over Lake Dora, ate out at restaurants and visited relatives.  The weekend was full of activities and I did a lot of driving, but we made some wonderful memories and came home refreshed and revived.

Being over-worked, burned-out, tired, bored, and un-stimulated builds blocks - really big, unsurmountable walls - that will not allow prosperity to enter.  By disallowing fun, I was also pushing away prosperity.  Stress, like really thick mud, prevented me from moving forward toward my goals and my desires or, really, from even making goals and having desires.

My man has a saying “nothing ever happens at home” by which he means nothing NEW ever happens at home.  If we stay home, walled-in with our busyness and fatigue, nothing new, and especially nothing new AND good, will ever happen.  Stagnation is a slow death. The TV and computer games are not real life.  We must get out, we must experience fun in any way we can.  Maybe money is an issue, but there are free activities everywhere.  Or, maybe you live in a remote area far from all those fun activities.  So, find something fun to do where you are - perhaps gardening, or some other hobby, or just hanging out with friends.  Take a walk or a drive or a bike ride or a swim.  Play a game or a sport.  GET OUT.  DO SOMETHING.  Make it your mission to find something fun and different to do.  Search for fun.  Search for other people who want to have fun.  Find a way to add some variety to the hours in your life.  Open windows, open doors, open you mind and your heart.  Volunteer and discover a new world.  You may be tired, but laying around the house will only make you more tired.  Doing something that stimulates your mind and gets your body in motion will actually give you energy and allow you to move beyond your walls.  

Prosperity or whatever you want to manifest will not knock down your door and drag you outside so you can experience it.  You have to make the effort and you need to do so with light-heartedness, not as though you are hunting down and killing a critter to find your starving family.  Finding a way to have fun just may be your first step toward your dreams.  I know its working for me.