Why

Have you even had a bad odor in your kitchen and you cannot find the source?  You clean and still cannot eliminate it.  The cleansers you used cover the odor, for awhile.  Air fresheners do the same, for awhile.  But, eventually that nagging odor is back.  It will never go away until you find the source and remove it.

When I began my Manifesting Mount Dora project, I had no clue how my new home and life in Mount Dora could come to pass, so I was truly leaving it up to the Universe.  But, I felt so strongly that I belonged there, I believed it was inevitable that my life there would manifest.  I used the Law of Attraction to help it come about.  After 15 months, I am not one iota closer to my dream.

I started every morning with hopeful expectations and every night ended with sad disappointment.  I told myself not to be disappointed because negativity only attracts negative outcomes.  I covered up my sad disappointment with visualizations, affirmations, more photos on my vision board, meditations, happy thoughts and smiles.  I believed that a door would open, an idea would appear, the right person would show up, SOMETHING would happen to draw me closer to manifesting Mount Dora.  But, each day passed and nothing happened.  Most nights I covered up the sad disappointment, but sometimes, like that stinky kitchen smell, I could not mask it and the sad disappointment saturated the air around me and I felt like a failure, a fraud.  A few times the stench of sad disappointment lasted for days or even weeks, but, eventually I tried  something new and covered it up again.  I kept telling myself I was not sad, I was not disappointed, I was not discouraged.  But, the truth is, I WAS sad, I WAS disappointed, I WAS discouraged and all I did was bury those feelings.

The last 15 months have been so difficult - emotionally and physically.  Illness and pain have plagued me and I cannot help but wonder if that rotten, sad disappointment is the root cause of my maladies.  Perhaps, I am poisoning myself.  Maybe not.  I don't know.  Just like I don't know how to manifest Mount Dora, I don't know how to get well, how to feel better.

This is what I do know.  I would rather feel nothing every night than feel sad disappointment.

I appreciate each of you who have been following my blog.  Your comments and encouragements have helped me to keep trying.  The number of people who read my posts shocked and pleased me.  I don't want to discourage any of you from your own manifestations.  I still think the Law of Attraction can work, but, obviously, I either don't know how to make it work or I am giving up too soon or, maybe, I don't belong in Mount Dora despite my strong feelings otherwise.  This was an experiment and as any researcher will tell you, not every experiment yields the results you desire.

I need to go through my day expecting what can realistically happen within the confines of my daily activities. I need to end my day without sad disappointment.  I need to feel better.  That's it.  I found the source of the odor and I am removing it.  

RIP

June 28, 2013

Today Manifesting Mount Dora died from lack of reality,  an always terminal condition.  It lived a short but sadly hopeful life.  May it rest in peace.

Fractured

I feel fractured.  The website www.freedictionary.com defines fractured as "The condition of having been broken or ruptured."  Yes, that is how I feel.  

Last month I thought the feeling was caused by the full moon phase of my astrological year.  In other words, the period ruled by the astrological sign that is the exact opposite of mine.  As a Scorpio, the Taurus period of April 20th through May 20th is my opposite sign, a time that can be challenging, resulting in upheaval, change, discord, and dissatisfaction.  Even before knowing anything about astrology, I noticed that the April/May time of year was often hard for me.  Astrology helped me to understand why.  When this feeling of being fractured began in late April, I blamed the sign of Taurus and just waited patiently to enter the time of Gemini.  But, Gemini has passed and I am feeling the same.  

Back problems have plagued me for more than two months.  Stabbing pain results from routine movements.  Multiple chiropractor and massage therapist appointments have helped, but the pain, though less, persists.  Even turning over in my sleep can cause an excruciating pain that wakes me up gasping to breathe.  I can no longer scratch my back, stretch deeply or practice many yoga poses.  Even getting dressed or simply reaching to turn off a light can be painful.  

Moodiness and intolerance abound all around me.  I feel as though I am walking through a field of land mines.  Emotional tension and physical pain leave me exhausted, confused and sad.  After a rough winter, I was feeling better for a few weeks, but now I am in this stressful situation with no understanding of why.  Even meditation has left me with a profound and deep sadness.  Although my man and I have plans to be in Mount Dora for several days later this summer, I feel completely disconnected from my favorite town.  I used to have very real visualizations of Mount Dora that included sounds, feelings and smells.  Now when I conjure up an image of Mount Dora, it appears flat and lifeless like a photograph.  

Even writing this feels strained.  I thought about shutting down my Manifesting Mount Dora project, but I am holding on a little longer.  I started this post a few days ago and am feeling a little better now.  The Supreme Court decision on DOMA helped me feel as if some progress is being made - perhaps not in my personal life, but for Americans as a whole - although other Supreme Court decisions this session have been frustrating and backward-moving.  The United States Congress and the State of Florida  seem to be either not moving at all or consistently moving in reverse.  As a people, Americans fight for justice and human rights and then we discover our own government is acting contrary to our deepest beliefs.  So much feels fractured.  

I also feel restless, like I am supposed to be doing something other than what I am doing and I don't know what that is.  I search for signs and hints, but either there are none or I am failing to recognize them.  So, I just go through each day doing what I always do and being grateful for my family, for the smiles and hugs and love from my grandchildren, for quiet time with my man, for my pets and my friends, for my home and neighborhood, for the  work that keeps me busy and pays the bills, and for music and books.   

Get Closer

My man and I recently had a week's vacation, which included the Memorial Day Holiday, in New Jersey and New York City.  We normally take this trip only in the fall, but decided to make an additional springtime trip this year.  As usual, we stayed with his loving mother in New Jersey and took the train each day (that weather would allow and we did have some nasty weather while we were there) into Manhattan.  In spite of weather challenges, we had a good time and a wonderful visit with his 92-year-old mother.  As we were leaving on the train from Newark Penn Station, he called his mother to let her know we were on our way and she said, in Spanish, "Always remember to get closer".

I know her advice was targeted to us as a couple, and it was good advice.  Most relationships, be they romantic or family or friendships or business contacts, grow cold when we fail to make the effort to be close and to get closer.  We become complacent; we get busy; we lose focus.  We think we won't change; he or she won't change; life will continue to chug along.  And it does.  Chug along like an old train.  But, without attention and maintenance, those relationships slow down just like an old train.  Then, one day, the train just stops running.  Admittedly, in the great stories of our lives, not all relationships are supposed to continue.  Some last for a season or only for some reason.  We need to know when to shake the dust off our shoes and move forward.  And, we need to know when to buckle down and do the work it takes to revive a sick relationship that begs for new life.  Knowing when to let go and when to hold on is tough.  Sometimes we hold on too long, as I believe I did in my marriage, and sometimes we let go too soon.  Perhaps the choice depends on what, if anything, we are still gaining from a relationship and what we think we may lose should it end.  Will life be better with or without it?  Are we happier now, with it, or will we be happier in the future, without it?  Do we feel restrained, unsupported, unappreciated?  Is there still an avenue of communication open?  How much work are we willing to put into the revival process?  Sometimes, I believe we are just tired and think starting over would be more exciting and maybe even easier.  And, that is often true.  So much to consider and to weigh.  Never an easy decision.  So, her advice to get closer has to be a reminder that relationships are a work-in-progress and the work needs to be done little by little, every day, or the task becomes too great, the work too hard, and we are run from the effort needed.

Even though I am sure her advice was aimed at us as a couple, I have thought about it in other ways, too.  Today, I applied the "get closer" to spiritual awakening.  I thought of how our lives should be aimed at getting closer to our spirit, or our soul, or God, or whatever you choose to call that which is larger than ourselves.  Some of us were raised with a strong spiritual or religious background and we chose to continue on the path that our parents started for us.  Others of us chose to leave that path and allowed life to take us in other directions.  Some may, as I did, leave the spiritual path entirely for a period.  And, some may never return to it.  Others find their way back to spirituality in one form or another, often in a form much different than the one learned in childhood.

I was raised Catholic, became agnostic for several years, and then, due to the influence of my husband, ended up in the Southern Baptist faith for a few years.  Many beliefs in that religion did not resonate with me and some just plain upset me.  I liked our church family, however, and stayed there much longer than my belief held out.  Eventually, the differences between what the church said was true and what my heart said was true, led to my leaving the Southern Baptist faith.  I felt like I had been released from a snare.

At first, after leaving the Baptist faith, I veered away from religion or spirituality in any form, much the same way I did after leaving the Catholic faith.  But, after I left my old life and started my new life, I encountered people who were on spiritual journeys that were unlike any I had known.  Their spiritual lives were rich and full, but did not involve churches or organized religion.  They did not own any particular "faith".  They chose to read and study and pick and choose what suited them.  They refused to be labeled or to be pushed into joining or belonging.  Some did find groups or even churches that resonated with them and their diverse beliefs and others continue to "get closer" on their own.

In other blogs, I have written about what I have read and studied and learned.  I believe in Universal Energy and reincarnation and goodness.  To choose an organized faith, I probably lean more toward Buddhism, although I am not a Buddhist.  I am always searching and always learning.  Now, my Sunday mornings are not spent in a church but are spent watching Oprah's Super Soul Sunday.  The diversity of her guests and their beliefs and their teachings keeps me interested.  I learn something new every Sunday.  I feel better about myself and about life after I watch Super Soul Sunday.  It is not church, but I don't want church.  It is a spiritual journey and that is what I value and need in my life right now.

My daughter and her husband are Catholics and are raising their children as Catholics.  Having been raised a Catholic, I am actually quite comfortable with that because I know and understand the faith, even if I do not choose to be part of it.  My daughter and grandchildren live with me and I respect their religious choice and I  ask them to honor "my Super Soul Sunday time".  My son-in-law, who is going to college in another city, is less accepting of other beliefs.  He was visiting on a Sunday while I was watching Super Soul Sunday.  As he and the children were getting ready to leave for Mass, my grandson came in to ask why I never go to church with them.  I explained, as I had before, that I don't believe the same as they do, and that is okay.  I said that I get my spiritual lessons from Super Soul Sunday.  That is when he said, "That show tricks you."  "Tricks me, how?" I asked.  I knew those were not his words or his thoughts.  "It tricks you so you won't go to church", he replied.  I smiled and told him I have spent many years going to churches, I have learned about all kinds of religions and spiritual beliefs and I choose Super Soul Sunday - I am not tricked, or fooled - I make a conscious choice.  I reminded him that people have different beliefs and we need to respect those beliefs because we all have our own spiritual paths that get us closer to God or whatever higher power we accept.  I wanted to tell him, but did not, that perhaps church is tricking his dad from growing spiritually in other ways.  But, if I want to teach tolerance, I must practice it.  I am committed to honoring what my grandchildren are being spiritually taught.  I may not always agree, but they also have their own spiritual path to travel.  I just hope they will learn to honor mine.  We can "get closer" through honoring one another this way.

"Get closer" can mean many things.  It may relate to a relationship, spirituality, a career, education, a dream.  But, to me, the lesson of "get closer" is to put in the work, make the effort, set aside the time, make the commitment no matter what or who it is you are trying to get closer to.  This blog is my way of getting closer to Manifesting Mount Dora.  It keeps me focused, keeps the dream sharp, gives me hope.  Perhaps we should all take time every now and then to consider what or who we want to get closer to.