Soul Friends

My last post was about my dad - a bit of a downer.  Today is one year since my mom (step-mother) passed over and although I thought about writing about her, I think that could also end up being more melancholy than what I want to communicate today.  Instead, I want to honor my oldest (not in age) friend, whose birthday was this past week. 

It was the summer of 1960.  My father, my two sisters and I were moving to the town where his business was located.  He had rented us a large house with a wrap-around front porch and a roomy, fenced-in front yard for our collie dog.  It was moving-in day when a tall, round woman with two little girls in tow appeared at the back door.  I was five at the time, ready to start first grade in a month.  The woman introduced herself as Clara and the dark-haired and brown-eyed girl hiding behind her leg as Debbie, her six-year-old daughter.  The younger, blonde girl was a neighbor's daughter, Robin.  Debbie and I watched each other with curiosity.Debbie, too, was starting first grade in the fall. 

When Clara discovered that my mom was deceased and my step-mother and father were divorced, she was filled with motherly compassion for me.  Debbie's big brown eyes got even larger as she tried to comprehend how the girl in front of her could live without a mother.  In the weeks that followed, before school started, Clara often invited me to their house on the next street to play with Debbie, and sometimes Robin.

Perhaps, because I had no mom and was accustomed to going to a child-sitter's house while my father worked, starting school was not scary to me.  But, for Debbie, that first day of school was terrifying.  Her mother walked Debbie and me to the bus stop the first day.  Debbie cried, but to ease her fear, I held her hand as we boarded the bus.  Unfortunately, we were in different classrooms and Debbie had to face the rest of the day alone, but I was waiting outside her classroom door at the end of the day and we walked hand-in-hand to the bus together.  That was the start of a friendship that has lasted almost 53 years. 

Debbie and I only attended two years of school together.  My father, one of my sisters and I moved to another state the summer after second grade.  Even during our two school years together, our friendship waxed and waned as we made other friends, but my family's move was still tramatic for us.  Unbelievably, those two third graders started writing letters to one another - letters that always started:  Dear, Debbie or Becky, How are you? I am fine. And from there we shared our experiences in two different schools in two different states.

Every summer, and during some Christmas holidays, my father put me on a Greyhound bus to go visit Debbie.  I loved those visits, especially the summer ones.  I stayed two or three weeks.  Debbie's mom showered me with the motherly love I was missing and Debbie and I and the always-changing foster children in their home spent hours playing in the summer sunshine.  When we were older, Debbie faced her fears of leaving home and her mom and came to visit me a couple of times.

Debbie and I were not always close. We always stayed in touch, we always saw each other at least once a year, but sometimes we did not like each other very much.  Debbie was living in the suburbs of a large city and I was growing up in a very rural area.  Our experiences were completely different.  As we reached our teens years, Debbie was hanging with friends that I thought were trouble.  She was hiding things from her parents and I wanted no part of that. When I visited, Debbie often went out with her friends and I stayed home with her mom, picking vegetables from their garden, shelling peas and talking.  Perhaps it was my relationship with her mom that kept our friendship intact during Debbie's adventurous teenage years, but, whatever was the glue that held our friendship together, I am eternally grateful that we did not drift apart as we often went our separate ways. I went to college, for awhile, and Debbie moved to another state and worked for her brother.  I moved even further away - more than 800 miles.  We both got married the same year.  Through all the years and all the moves and all the changes, we kept writing letters, even when we could not visit one another. 

Now we stay in contact with cell phones and emails and Facebook, but sadly, we rarely see one another.  We have birthday dates - I call her on her birthday, as I did last week, and she calls me on mine.  We drink a glass of wine and chat for more than an hour.  As the years pass, our friendship deepens.  We appreciate each other more with each birthday conversation.  We know that a friendship that has lasted this long, especially from such a distance, is a gift to treasure. 

We have supported one another through marital and family problems, births, deaths and adoptions, illnesses and accidents, happiness and heartache, and, although our life experiences have been completely different, we have always had understanding and compassion for one another's problems and we have celebrated one another's joys and triumphs.  There is no one I laugh so heartily with than Debbie.  There is no one I can so quickly reconnect with, even after months of no communi-cation, and feel as though we have been talking every day.

I wish we lived closer.  I wish we could have a tea together at least once a week.  I wish I could call her up and say, "Let's go shopping."  I wish we could take long walks together and sort through the meaning of life.  But, we can't.  We have different lives a long distance apart.  We have families and businesses and responsibilities that keep us where we are, restricting our ability to even visit.  But, I know that in spite of all these challenges, our friendship endures because we are soul friends.  Our friendship transcends our lives.  It is deeper and stronger than our physical connection because it is a soul friendship and for that, and for Debbie, I will always be grateful.

Waiting with Gratitude

My current location is the surgical waiting room of a local hospital where I wait while my man has a day-stay surgery that started four hours late.  We waited together for several hours in a prep room, he more impatient than I because the last food intake he had was nearly 15 hours ago.  I have done this surgical waiting routine more times than I want to admit.  We thought his surgery days were past after an unbelievably busy medical year in 2011, but here I sit again due to the unexpected and unwelcome health issue that popped up last week.  But, it is at times like this that I realize how fortunate we are - he has medical insurance unlike many others, this surgery is relatively minor compared to those I've seen today who are facing more worrisome procedures and I have family and friends who are praying and sending positive energy to us.  As with others, our relationship has its challenges and moments of glory and I sit here grateful for all we have experienced together.  Even in the dark times, when we held on by a thread, I knew we had a strong bond that kept us dreaming the same dreams.

Our relationship has been a series of challenges - some are common, some are unique.  Being from different cultures, we had to be open about sharing and experiencing one another's customs and habits.  Our cultural give-and-take has left us both better people.  I learned to love mate, an Argentine tea, and dulce de leche, a Latin American caramel-type spread and he learned to cook for a vegetarian, something he never dreamed he would do.

I was used to life in the country and he was accustomed to life in the fast-paced, crowded northeast, but we both adjusted to life in the small city where we reside.  We have many of the same cultural interests - plays, concerts, museums, bookstores, lectures - and here we found many events to keep us entertained and informed.  He has introduced me to foreign films from South and Central America, as well as tango and other Latin music, and he enjoys the bluegrass music of the south and has learned much about the history of Florida and developed a love of the artists who capture the lakes, springs, hammocks, beaches and wildlife of our state.

Our first year together included one of his daughters, my adopted daughter and, later, her brother.  Our blended family often had a rough time and by the end of the year, he and I were alone - good in some ways and sad in others.  Now my daughter and her two children are back with us - an adjustment that thrilled me, but was hard on him.  Coming from a large family and having several children of his own, he was relishing our life as a couple living without other family members and obligations, but he has made the changes necessary to allow me the joy of having my daughter and grandchildren with us. 

I am a person with few limits and he is one with many.  I tend to accept everyone and everything at face value and he has taught me to proceed with more caution, to be a bit more discerning.  He tends to hold back and observe, sometimes being more judgmental than I like.  I have taught him to be a little more open and accepting.  

We have cried together over deaths in our families and struggled through a variety of family, financial, legal and medical problems. We have shared old friends and made new ones.  We have watched neighbors move in and move out and houses be bought and sold.  After eight years, we have a history where we live.  

He took me to Manhattan and I took him to Mount Dora.  We both love the intensity and variety of the city, but the cold and the high living expenses limit us to yearly visits to our favorite metropolis.  Mount Dora, on the other had, is easily accessible and affordable and the weather, though very hot in the summer but no hotter than where we live now, is very agreeable the rest of the year.  The coffee shops, restaurants, museums, shops, theater, and parks of Mount Dora make it a culturally diverse town where we can find plenty to entertain, inspire and educate us.
    

There are days we don't like each other very much and days when we cannot imagine ever being apart.  Sometimes we talk a lot, sometimes not so much.  We get annoyed and irritated with one another and we laugh together and share the secrets that only the two of us know.  We read the newspaper together every morning, often read in bed at night and watch our favorite shows, Touch and Super Soul Sunday, together, sharing comments and observations.  On occasion, we don't want to be in the same room at the same time, but we never want to sleep without one another.  I know I am a better person because of him and I hope he feels the same. 

But most of all, I am grateful for the fun he brings into my life.  In the muddy darkness of a sad marriage, I had lost my sense of fun.  Really, I had even lost my memory of fun.  He gave that back to me.  The laughter, the jokes, the playful teasing.  And that is what I remember during these times of waiting.  The fun.  Life is supposed to have some light-hearted moments. In spite of the hard times, the disagreeable times, the head-banging, incomprehensible times, I relish those moments of fun that have filtered through our days together.  Perhaps those moments add up to less time than the difficult hours, but they are the moments that make this life worth living.

Footnote:  It is nearly 11 pm and I am bone tired after a long and very frustrating day.  After delayed surgery, hospital staff confusion, changed hospital rules about visitors, hospital construction that made getting from one place to another difficult, and some issues with residual effects of anesthesia, I am relieved that I was able to bring him home today.  His surgery went well, just everything else surrounding it that was a confused mess. Today was not fun, but having him snoring beside me is.   

Here I Go Again

When I started the Manifesting Mount Dora project, I called it an experiment with the Law of Attraction.  As the months passed, I forgot about the "experiment" part.  My focus slipped from the process to the hoped-for result, a sure path to disappointment, sadness and regret.  Why did this happen?  Control.  I wanted to be in control, I felt I was in control and when that proved to be not true, I lost control.  

The Law of Attraction is not a way to control your future, but a method to attract the future you want - a method that some swear by and that some think is hocus-pocus.  I wanted, and still want to, believe in the Law of Attraction, but I must approach it with a control-free attitude and that is difficult for me to do.  More than once, by multiple people, I have been labeled a control freak.  Although I think my control issues are definitely less than is years past, I obviously have not eliminated them entirely.  

I receive a daily email call the Daily Om by Madisyn Taylor and on February 8th, the theme of the email was control - how apropos.  Here is the first paragraph of that email essay:

The answer to control is practicing surrender.

Trying to maintain control in this life is a bit like trying to maintain control on a roller coaster. The ride has its own logic and is going to go its own way, regardless of how tightly you grip the bar. There is a thrill and a power in simply surrendering to the ride and fully feeling the ups and downs of it, letting the curves take you rather than fighting them. When you fight the ride, resisting what’s happening at every turn, your whole being becomes tense and anxiety is your close companion. When you go with the ride, accepting what you cannot control, freedom and joy will inevitably arise. 

I hate roller coasters!  Why? The lack of control, of course. I am the one gripping the bar so hard my knuckles turn white.  I barely breathe.  I am so anxious, I cannot even scream.  At this moment, I feel like I may hyperventilate just thinking about being on a speeding ride where I have not control over the velocity or the destination and no way to make the darn thing stop.  No wonder I was not able to "enjoy the ride" during the last ten months of my Law of Attraction experiment. I fooled myself into thinking my actions were controlling, and thereby creating, my future. 

It is hard to wrap my mind around the idea that you can work toward attracting something without actually being in control of the end result.  Can't say that I completely understand the concept either. That is why my Manifesting Mount Dora project was an experiment.  

As I grade the experience of the last ten months, I surprise myself by giving it an 8.  Overall, the experience was enjoyable.  The challenges were difficult, but I learned and grew from them.  I believe I developed spiritually.  And all of that in spite of not achieving my goal. 

My most recent lesson is just this - Manifesting Mount Dora is an experiment, as is life.  You try something, it works or doesn't work.  More often, it doesn't.  So, you adjust your approach and try again.  There is no failure, just lessons. You don't give up, you just regroup and readjust. So, here I go again.  

The Days Ahead

The holidays have come and gone.  I am relieved in some ways.  The holidays forced a cheerfulness that was not heartfelt for me.  I grew tired of trying to be "on" when I really wanted to be "off".  Hiding was a temptation that I had to resist.

After Christmas Day, my man and I spent three days in Mount Dora.  Usually I am excited with anticipation before one of our trips there, but this one felt more like an obligation.  Even the short drive there seemed long and tiring.  At first, being in our favorite town made me feel mostly sad - sad that we are no closer to living there, sad that life seems to be conspiring against my desire to be there.  But, as always, Mount Dora worked its charm on me and the sadness melted to a gentle pleasure.  I was able to rest between our many walks and a feeling of renewal began to grow.  We reconnected with friends there, shopped a little, ate some fabulous food and met new people.  There is a house not far from where we stay that has fascinated me for some time now.  It is not a particularly pretty house, although it has its charms, and it is not what one would call outstanding in any way, but it "spoke to me" and I don't know why.  When I first noticed the house it appeared to uninhabited although I could see furniture through the glass entry door.  There were no signs indicating anyone had been actively living there in a while and yet the house was kept up.  I wondered if the owners are what we Floridians call "snow birds" - people who live up north in the summer and then come to Florida for the winter.  On one visit to Mount Dora, I saw an older, ratty car in the drive that did not have the appearance of a vehicle that would belong to someone owning the home.  Last year I began seeing a newer and nicer automobile in the drive, but still saw no actual people and nothing had changed in the house's appearance.  As usual, we took our little dog with us on our end-of-the-year trip to Mount Dora, but one morning just the two of us were walking back to our cottage after breakfasting at Cody's on 4th when we encountered an older gentleman walking with a graying beagle.  The beagle greeted us excitedly and while we took turns petting him, we chatted with his owner.  Turns out the beagle was a rescue dog that came to live with the man just two weeks earlier.  We expressed regret that our dog was back at the cottage because we were sure the two canines of similar size would have quickly become friends.  Later that day, my man and I were walking with our dog and walked past "my" house and there at the glass doorway, barking vigorously, was the same beagle we'd met earlier!  Soon his owner appeared, waved to us, leashed his dog and came to greet us.  The meeting of the two dogs did not go as we had thought.  The beagle aggressively declared his ownership of his new home and new companion and our peaceful dog, who I believe is the Dalai Lama of dogs, was terribly hurt emotionally, not physically.  I am sure that had they met on the streets the result would have been much more cordial, but our new canine friend felt the understandable need to protect his territory.  I shared my fascination with his home to the man and he was kind enough and friendly enough to tell me the history of his home, which was built in the latter 1800's, and his own personal story of ownership and even gave me a tour of his abode.  With the exception of the dog confrontation, the unexpected afternoon meeting was a pure joy.

After the chance meeting of the mystery home's owner, I started thinking about how we never really know what unexpected occurrence may change the course of a day.  I went to Mount Dora never expecting to meet the owner of the house of my fascination, much less expecting to be granted a tour of the home.  When strolling back from breakfast that morning we never expected that the man we met walking with the beagle was the owner of the house or that we would encounter them later the same day, giving me the opportunity to tour his home and find out more about it.  Having experienced something so unexpected, I began wondering if my manifestation of Mount Dora might also emerge from some unforeseen meeting or happening.  For a few days I felt a sense of hope.

The hope did not last long.  I returned home to all the responsibilities, problems and long hours of work that eat up the hours of my days during this busy time of year.  Very quickly my pleasant memories of Mount Dora melted like a snowflake in Florida and I again felt tired and sad.  But, in the midst of my resignation little bits of hope keep showing up.  None of them was  profound enough to completely give me back my hopeful enthusiasm, but collectively they are pushing me into a better emotional place.

Two were these quotes that I received in my daily emails from Gratefulness.org:

WORD FOR THE DAY Monday, Dec. 17 Most of us look at our ideals, say how far we are from them, and get depressed. But it is heroic simply to say, "Here are my ideals," state them before the world, and then spend your life trying to live up to them. Keshavan Nair New Dimensions Radio interview

WORD FOR THE DAY Sunday, Jan. 13 Your success and happiness lie in you....Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties. Helen Keller

The hours I have spent with my friend who was in the automobile accident have also shown me that we can heal, physically and emotionally, and, I hope, spiritually, if we just give ourselves some time.

I recently came across an animal card reading that Shenna Benarte did for me in the fall.  Much of what I am experiencing now was foretold during that reading.  She warned me of working too hard (not much I can do about that), that many emotional issues would surface and need attention (oh, yeah), that I need to journal more (I have been journaling less), that I would be consumed with worrying and wondering and that my reaction should be to stand back and shore up my strength (I have been more weak than strong), that the months ahead would be filled with running around and going crazy (so true), that the drama I would be experiencing was a mirror to what was happening internally and that I need to slow down and breathe consciously whenever I am feeling overwhelmed (that is exactly when I forget to slow down and breathe), that I need to work spiritually on my emotional issues (have been very disconnected spiritually), that I need to be more open and less literal in my translation of what is happening to and around me, and, the most important part of the reading, was the raven "magic" card that I drew which means I can create whatever I want.  That is the part of need to remember.  I was amazed when I came across my notes of that reading.  It happened not long ago, but I had forgotten about all the warnings and encouragement of the cards. Now I feel more accepting that the rough times I am experiencing are a process.  I don't LIKE the process, but it is inevitable and, I hope, will push me closer to where I want to be.    

So here I am.  Still tired, often overwhelmed, sometimes sad, occasionally defeated, but I am seeing little bits of light in what often seems like a deep darkness.  I am sometimes depressed, but I am not in a depression.  My life is good overall and my days, although often long and irritating, are also filled with smiles, laughter, love, music and sunshine. Just the fact that I am writing this post is progress!  The long month of January is not even half gone and I know that I will continue to feel bombarded until I am able to slow down a little, but the days ahead do not seem as dark as they did yesterday.

Connections

I haven't written in a long time - not here, not anywhere else.  I am still struggling to reconnect with my Manifesting Mount Dora project, but, more than that, life events have interrupted what may have been called "normal".

My man's youngest sibling, a sister, passed away last week after being in a coma for more than a week.  Her  condition and subsequent passing were a shock and his family is still reeling from the loss.

The same day we learned of his sister's condition, one of my dearest friends was hit head-on by a much larger vehicle on the interstate.  Fortunately, she had no life-threatening injuries and no damage to her head, spine, face, neck or internal organs.  However, her body is a jigsaw of breaks, sprains, dislocations and lacerations.  Three operations later, her parts and pieces are reconnected and beginning the healing process, but her recovery will be long and challenging.

These two sad events reminded me how we are all interconnected.  I was not in a coma, I did not die, I was not in an auto accident, I did not go through surgery, but still I was affected by each of these events.  I did not physically feel the pain, but I endured it on an emotional and mental level and I feel the exhaustion of knowing that someone you love is hurting and of the smothering effect of empathy and concern.

Here, the night before Christmas, I feel very disconnected from the holiday hoopla.  I am going through the motions for my grandchildren and my daughter, not feeling the anticipation that normally grows at this time of December.  This year has been so unexpected - sometimes exciting, sad, inspiring and disappointing; often challenging, confusing and discouraging.  Many times I was so hopeful and encouraged and other times I cried for understanding and hope.  Right now, as this year winds to a close, I am taking stock of what I am thinking and feeling.  Weariness is the word that first comes to mind.  I am very tired and no hours of sleep ease the exhaustion.  I have a strong sense of resignation, as though nothing I can do will make a difference.  Intellectually, I don't know if that is true, but that is how I FEEL.  January starts my busiest work time of the year and no matter how deep I delve internally, I cannot find a well of energy big enough to tackle the tasks that come my way at the start of every year.

There is much for which I am grateful. I and my immediate family are relatively healthy.  We have a comfortable home, food on the table and the comforts of modern life.  I have work and a steady income.  My grandchildren fill my life with laughter and love.  My daughter fills me with pride.  My man still makes me laugh and warms our home with song and music.  I know I am blessed.  And, yet I am also disappointed in a deep way I cannot explain in words and I feel guilty and ashamed of this disappointment.

I volunteer at and am on the board of directors for a feminist bookstore.  That store, the two women who own it, the staff, and the patrons feed my soul.  For more than a month, due to family and work responsibilities and all these unexpected events, I have not been able to work at the store or even spend time there.  The store closed last Saturday, temporarily, in preparation of reopening in a different location.  I was excited about the move and all the wonderful changes that come along with it, but I have missed out on the last few weeks at the current location. Friday evening I carved out a couple of hours to go to the bookstore and there my soul was fed.  I shopped the great moving sales, then sunk into a chair and talked to Erica, one of the store owners, who made me feel missed and appreciated.  We talked about everything and about nothing.  It was wonderful.  I relaxed in a way I haven't in several weeks.  I felt a sense of reconnecting with something that had been hiding in a small, dark corner and that is when I wanted to write again.

When I started this blog in March, I thought that by the end of the year I would be closer to manifesting Mount Dora - even if just a little closer - and on this 24th day of December I feel further away that I did in March.  I see clearly than I am still needed here.  My daughter and grandchildren are entrenched in life in our town and I don't see them being ready for a move any time soon.  I also know that I am needed for my injured friend and her partner as the long healing and rehabilitation period starts.  I want to be of assistance in any way I can to make this difficult journey a little easier for them.  And, I can understand that those and other reasons may be why I am not making progress toward the new life I want to create and I am okay with the fact that I am needed right here, right now.  My question is, why almost one year ago, was I given what seemed to be a very clear vision of a life in Mount Dora?  Why was that passion born in me if there is no hope of it becoming reality any time in the near future?  Was I given one more unattainable desire just so I could experience more disappointment?

As I see my friend's life suddenly and unexpectedly changed forever due to an accident she could not avoid, I am even more aware of the fragility of life and that we have no promise of a tomorrow or of a tomorrow that even slightly resembles today.  How many more days do I have to live or how many days do I have to live in a condition even similar to the one I enjoy now?  The life I envisioned in Mount Dora was a life with me as I am now.  Perhaps I could get there 10, 15 or 20 years from now, but that would not be the life that I am visualizing now because I will certainly not be the person I am now.  My vision of life in Mount Dora most definitely includes the man that shares my life now and, with his age being several years in advance of mine, I know that the delay of my manifestation means that he could very well not be present to share it with me or may not be in good enough health to truly enjoy the attainment of a dream we have both nurtured.

As usual, or maybe even more than usual, I have no answers.  I am just a woman writing a blog about - about what?  I am not even sure how to answer that.  Is it still about Manifesting Mount Dora?  Was it ever Manifesting Mount Dora?  Was it about what I want or about who I am or about who I want to be?  I cannot even think that abstractly right now.  I am ending 2012 more confused that I started and I have no idea what to expect or, if I dare, hope for in 2013.

Life in Reverse

I am behind in reading my O (Oprah) magazines.  I like them very much, but when a new issue arrives, I tend to read the “Contributors” page and one or two of the articles that really catch my attention and then the magazine gets hidden under other magazines, books or children’s toys and I forget about it.  Eventually my man adds the magazine to a stack in a basket where it sits for months.  Last week I gathered all those back issues with a pledge to read them ALL before the end of the year.  Today, I completed the February 2012 issue, in which there was an article named “You. . .In Six Words”.  This was the introduction:

“In November 2006, writer and editor Larry Smith issued a challenge to fans of his Web publication, SMITH Magazine. . .Smith asked his readers to describe their lives in six words.”

I thought, “That’s impossible!”  But, the article contained many examples that proved what I initially thought was impossible was, indeed, possible.   Here are some of the submissions in the article:

“Surfing life’s ripples, wishing for waves.” -------- Karen Barbier
“Might as well eat that cookie.” -------- Paula Deen
“I am more than a twin.” ------- Diane Campbell

I was inspired, but I am wordy.  How can I describe my life - 58 years of life - in six words, just six words?  Maybe 600, but six - I had my doubts, but I took the challenge.  

I started with individual words that I associate with myself until I identified an idea that captured my life as I view and define it right now.  In my head, the idea needed many more words than six, so I had to cut, trim and rearrange until I was left with a half dozen words.  Once I had the idea, the chopping block part was much easier than I expected and this was my final result:

Learning from living life in reverse.  

Recently, I considered how I am now, at the age of 58, undergoing so many experiences that most women have in their 20's or 30's, and when I was younger, I had experiences most don’t have until their later years.  I do, indeed, feel as though I am living life in reverse.

When I was a child and teenager, everyone thought I was at least 3 to 10 years older;  as an adult, people figure I am 10 to 15 years younger than my current age.  Living life in reverse.

My childhood home was in an rural area with only one other family with children within a mile.  All my other neighbors were adults 40 to 70 years old, and they were my companions.  On weekends, I rode my bike from house to house, sitting and talking with my older neighbors, playing board games with them, drinking lemonade, iced tea or hot chocolate, helping with their gardening and cooking.  At the age of 17, when friends my age were babysitting, I was working as a nurse’s assistant in a nursing home, surrounded by the elderly.  I felt more at ease with my patients than I did with most of my high school classmates.  During my child-bearing years, because my husband and I did not have children, we accepted the responsibility of looking after elderly parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles in our families.  When others our ages were changing diapers and planning play dates, we were picking up high blood pressure meds at pharmacies, sitting in hospital waiting rooms and taking garbage cans to the curb for those who could no longer do it.  It is just now that I am seeing people my age having those same experiences of elder-care.  Living life in reverse.

My parents were just shy of 40 when I was born and my mother died before reaching 40.  I experienced the death of a parent before I had a memory of that parent, but most people are in their 40's or 50's or even 60's before being forced to cope with the death of a mother or father. Living life in reverse.

In my late teens I experienced my first debilitating back injury.  During my 20's and most of my 30's, my activities were hampered by back pain.  At the age of 29, I sometimes walked with a cane to stabilize my spine.  At 58, my back feels stronger and I experience much less pain than I did 30 years ago.  Living life in reverse.

Most people my current age are resting after raising their children.  I did not have children and I adopted my daughter as a teenager, so I skipped the whole child-rearing experience, until now.  My daughter and her two small children have been living with me for more than two years and I am now having the experience of raising, well, helping to raise, small children.  I've changed more diapers in the last two years than I have in all my previous years combined.  I just had my premier tooth fairy experience when my grandson lost his first tooth this month.  For the first time, I am dropping off children at school in the morning and picking them up at after-school in the evening, telling bedtime stories, going to Christmas plays and planning birthday parties - all activities that most people experience before the age of 45.  Yes, I am a grandmother, but a grandmother learning to be a mother.  Living life in reverse.

While most couples in their early 50's begin making plans for their golden years of retirement, I was burying my husband (Yes, we were separated, but still married, when he passed) and figuring out how to make ends meet on one income.  Living life in reverse.

I owned my first home at the age of 21, and now, since the age of 50, I've been living in a rental house while most in my age group have paid off their mortgages.  Most people/couples search for their dream home during their 20's and 30's and it is now, at 58, that I have a goal of finding and acquiring my dream home - in Mount Dora, of course!  Living life in reverse.

General thinking says creativity is a product of the young, and most people I know experienced their strongest years of creativity before the age of 50, while I believe I am now entering the most creative phase of my life.  Living life in reverse.

With all of that said, my statement was actually “Learning from living life in reverse”.  What am I learning and why do my lessons come either earlier or later than those of others? That is the part I am still trying to figure out.  Although I did not realize it at the start of my Manifesting Mount Dora project, I now think one of the lessons of this journey is to discover why so many of my life experiences have occurred at non-traditional ages.

One lesson I can already identify is that age does not have to limit or define life.  Because of my association with older people in my younger years, I understand, respect and appreciate the age group I am entering.  Unlike many my age who feel their lives are almost ending, I don’t feel being over 50 has to limit who I am.  In fact, I believe I and my life are just getting better with each year that passes.  I may have slow down a little physically and tire a little more easily, but I meet these challenges and experiences that usually come at a younger age with all the energy I can muster and with a maturity and, I hope, wisdom that I did not possess years ago.  I appreciate the moments of surprise, tenderness, exhilaration and comfort in ways I could not in years pass.  The losses and disappointments and roadblocks in life are not as devastating as they once were and although I may be moving a little slower at this age, I pick myself up quicker than I did in my earlier years.

Living life in reverse does have its advantages and lessons.  I may be living a backwards life, but I am always moving forward.  

7/19/12 The Importance of Fun

As adults we often forget how important having fun is.  We get busy, we get serious, we get tied down, we get important, we get needed and suddenly there’s no time for fun.  Fun looks frivolous and seems a waste of precious hours that could be spent on making money, going to school, or just doing something inane that fools us into thinking we are chillin’.  Our lives revolve around schedules and fun is rarely scheduled, but maybe it should be.

Perhaps some of you are the lucky ones who learned about balance during your childhood.  Maybe you grew up in a well-balanced family that made time for fun as well as work.  Or maybe your family life was all screwed up, but you figured out how to create balance yourself or you learned it from someone else while you were still young.  I was a late bloomer when it came to balance and to appreciating fun.

Most of my childhood was spent without a mom at home and with a dad who was a far cry from Fred MacMurray.  After the age of seven, when my oldest sister was no longer living at home, I was expected to grow up FAST.  I had many household responsibilities and mistakes were not tolerated.   My father worked six days a week at his business and he was not very tolerant of anyone slacking off, including me.  He rarely took time off.  The few vacations we took were to visit relatives - more like obligations than real vacations.  Obviously, I did not learn balance at home.  But, in spite of having more obligations than a typical child at the time (and yet certainly fewer than many others), I was still a child and playtime and creating fun were part of my life.  But, I did not see much fun in my father’s life and that is the lesson I learned - fun is fine for kids, but should be very limited for adults.

Once I got married at 21, my allotted time for fun became less and less every year.  My job and housework took up most of my time.  My “free” time was spent reading, which I love, but which is not the kind of fun I am talking about.  The fun of which I speak is DOING something that is out-of-the-ordinary, maybe exciting, the kind of activities that create lifetime memories.  That is the kind of fun I rarely had.  As with my father, most vacations with my husband were to visit relatives.  Sure, those trips could be fun, but they were also usually stressful and brought up old, unresolved family issues that dampened any enjoyment.  Any just-for-the-fun-of-it trips were quick day trips that may have provided a break from the routine and may even have been a little fun, but certainly were not those creating-forever-memory types of activities.  For us, money was always a issue.  When you struggle to pay the bills, you feel guilty if you “waste” money on fun or vacations or any kind of loving self-care.


At most of my jobs I worked more than 40 hours a week and often as many as 60 hours a week.  Add my commute times, which, depending on where we lived, ranged from 30 minutes to 90 minutes, and my work days were very long.  Besides the issue of available funds for recreation, I was just too darn tired to even think about planning something fun.  And that is how I felt without children!!  I look at my daughter raising two kids and I worry that she too will lose touch with having fun, but, fortunately, she is more balanced than I ever was at her age. 

It was not until I started my “new life” eight years ago that I began to learn about the importance of fun as an adult.  The new man in my life relished leisure time and made a point of planning fun activities.  He taught me to slow down.  By the time he entered my life, I was very deeply exhausted, physically and spiritually.  Being retired, he took care of the house, my pets and me.  I was still working, and sometimes long hours, but at least the work did not continue when I got home.  I felt guilty coming home to a cooked meal, an orderly house and clean clothes, with nothing to do but relax, but I adjusted and welcomed the much need rest he was providing for me.  Money was still a huge issue for the first few years we were together, but being a master of balance, he taught me how to find inexpensive ways to have fun.  And, once I was rested after years of being overextended, I felt more like getting out and doing activities that were fun, different and stimulating. 

Now, I schedule fun.  I check the newspaper for activities in my city.  We go to plays, movies, concerts, book-signings, art galleries, classes, festivals.  We go for walks and out to dinner and meet friends for coffee.  We entertain in our home.  Although money is less restricted, we still find many things to do that are free or inexpensive.   Most importantly, we get the heck out of town several times a year.  A change of scenery can do so much to give me a fresh perspective and a lift in my mood.  Of course, now we go to Mount Dora several times a year and that is fabulous, but we also go to New Jersey/New York City every year and have spent time in St. Augustine, Myrtle Beach and South Florida.  This fall I am going on a two-day women’s beach retreat that will be an entirely different experience.

I also schedule little trips with my daughter and grandchildren.  This past weekend we went to Tavares, Mount Dora and Deland.  We took seaplane rides, went to a splash park and a playground, took a nature walk and watched the sunset over Lake Dora, ate out at restaurants and visited relatives.  The weekend was full of activities and I did a lot of driving, but we made some wonderful memories and came home refreshed and revived.

Being over-worked, burned-out, tired, bored, and un-stimulated builds blocks - really big, unsurmountable walls - that will not allow prosperity to enter.  By disallowing fun, I was also pushing away prosperity.  Stress, like really thick mud, prevented me from moving forward toward my goals and my desires or, really, from even making goals and having desires.

My man has a saying “nothing ever happens at home” by which he means nothing NEW ever happens at home.  If we stay home, walled-in with our busyness and fatigue, nothing new, and especially nothing new AND good, will ever happen.  Stagnation is a slow death. The TV and computer games are not real life.  We must get out, we must experience fun in any way we can.  Maybe money is an issue, but there are free activities everywhere.  Or, maybe you live in a remote area far from all those fun activities.  So, find something fun to do where you are - perhaps gardening, or some other hobby, or just hanging out with friends.  Take a walk or a drive or a bike ride or a swim.  Play a game or a sport.  GET OUT.  DO SOMETHING.  Make it your mission to find something fun and different to do.  Search for fun.  Search for other people who want to have fun.  Find a way to add some variety to the hours in your life.  Open windows, open doors, open you mind and your heart.  Volunteer and discover a new world.  You may be tired, but laying around the house will only make you more tired.  Doing something that stimulates your mind and gets your body in motion will actually give you energy and allow you to move beyond your walls.  

Prosperity or whatever you want to manifest will not knock down your door and drag you outside so you can experience it.  You have to make the effort and you need to do so with light-heartedness, not as though you are hunting down and killing a critter to find your starving family.  Finding a way to have fun just may be your first step toward your dreams.  I know its working for me.

4/17/12 Each Day Is A New Beginning

It is early evening and I am home from work, feeling sluggish and stuck.  My day was fine - work went well, I accomplished all and a little more than I had planned and I encountered no unusual roadblocks or problems.  My health is the same as always.  Today, I experienced nothing particularly bad or depressing or discouraging and yet I feel heavy and slightly annoyed and a little sad and I am not sure why. 

Our feelings do not always make sense.  This “down” feeling I have right now may have nothing to do with my day or my week.  Perhaps it is leftover from a disturbing or sad dream I had last night and cannot recall.  Maybe my body chemistry is off in some way I cannot ascertain.  Perhaps my planets are out of alignment or maybe this is an emotionally challenging time of my astrological year.  Maybe my moodiness is the result of a buildup of issues and concerns and today is the day I feel the weight of them, even without being consciously aware of the load of unresolved matters that I carry every day.

No matter how positive we try to be, we all have “stuff” that we carry around -  unresolved problems, other people’s negativity, concerns about the future.  We manage to stay basically happy by not dwelling on problems we either cannot change or cannot change now and by not absorbing or responding to the negativity of those around us.  And, that works most days.  Today it is not working for me - for whatever reason.  I am not consciously dwelling on any problems, but I feel as though I am weighed down with concerns.  I’ve tried unsuccessfully to lighten up today, so I am deciding to just let go of trying to “fix” my feelings.  I am just going to accept that I feel this way and that it will not last.  Tomorrow is another day.

Remembering that each day is a new beginning is one of the most positive thoughts you can have when today is a disappointment or you just don’t feel up to par.  My responsibilities may be the same tomorrow as they are today, perhaps the problems I have today will carry forward to tomorrow, and tomorrow I will likely deal with all or many of the same people that I deal with every day, but tomorrow I will be different.  My chemistry will be better, my planets will be in alignment, my dreams the night before will have been pleasant.  Tomorrow I will have a new beginning and the day may not seem that much different than today, but I will feel different. 

When I was clinically depressed in the past, the one thing I knew for sure was that tomorrow would not be different, unless it was worse.  I knew that I would not feel different, unless I felt worse.  New beginnings did not exist for me.  Life was just a long series of disappointing, sad and annoying moments strung together.  Now, I know that a down feeling is temporary.  I know a not-so-stellar day is just that - one day.  This day will come to a close and tomorrow I know, without a doubt, I will have a new beginning because each day is just that - a new beginning.  Today I am not at my best for manifesting Mount Dora or anything else, but tomorrow I will be.  Sometimes we have to be gentle and understanding with ourselves.  I accept that I am a little down for unknown reasons and my attempts to feel better did not work.  I will not beat myself up over it.  I will allow myself to just “be” as I am right now.  I will rest and know that tomorrow is a new beginning. 

4-11-12 The Company You Keep

Negativity is contagious.  Surround yourself with negative people - people who find fault, complain, dramatize, whine - and you certainly will find yourself being more like them, unless you learn how to protect yourself from their influence.  It is best if you can simply limit your association with negative people, but that is not always possible.

In my “other life”, when I was unhappy in my marriage, most of my friends were women who were also dissatisfied with their marriages/relationships.  And, our discontentment overflowed to other areas of our lives resulting in displeasure with our co-workers, other friends, neighbors and even children.  Our favorite times together were spent complaining about our partners and just about everyone else in our lives.  Discontentment with one aspect of our lives tends to sour all aspects of our lives.  And, when we are unhappy, we seek the company of others who are also unhappy.  Like attracts like.

When my life changed and I became happier, I found the company of my friends to be uncomfortable.  At first, I could not understand why.  These were my good friends, for heaven’s sakes.  Our relationships were long-term and we shared so much over the years.  I noticed that they were critical of my new relationships and my improved life although I was happier than I had been in many years.  Rather than being happy for me, they were disapproving and, I later discovered, were talking negatively about me behind my back.  Even when the changes in my life were not the topic of conversation, I was uneasy being around their constant complaining and negative comments concerning other people and other situations.  I began seeing how stifling and unproductive those conversations were.  Although we were definitely drifting apart, I was not ready to give up on my “friends”.   Over a year passed before their negative attitudes toward me took their toll and I finally severed the relationships as much as I could.  Because I worked with some of these former friends, total separation was not possible.  When my friendships with those co-workers cooled, I became under attack for minor things concerning our jobs.  I felt like I could not talk about anything in front of any of them without drawing derision.

The breakup with my friends occurred about the time I started learning about the Law of Attraction and it granted me my first chance to put the Law to work.  I chose to disregard them in every way possible except for the work-related conversations that were necessary.  I ignored their conversations completely, not allowing myself to be drawn into or influenced by their negativity or by their offhanded and rude comments about me that were purposely said loud enough for me to overhear.  It was very difficult to close my ears to the words that swirled around me.  I often played music quietly at my desk to drown out their voices.  When someone purposely tried to engage me in a negative and unnecessary conversation or when someone confronted me personally, I did not respond;  I just kept working or left the room.  I printed a copy of the Optimist’s Code and taped it to the side of my printer where I could see it easily and when I struggled to hold my temper and my tongue, I would read it silently to myself, over and over.  Determinedly, I worked to keep positive thoughts in my mind.  Little by little, my efforts to be positive became second nature.  As I participated less and reacted less, the negative comments my former friends aimed at me became fewer and fewer.   After awhile, I did not even hear their conversations anymore.  A workplace that felt hostile for several months became neutral.  Even when I heard or learned about some mean comments made about me, I no longer cared.  I could just smile, shake my head and walk away. 

As these negative people and influences left my life, the emptiness I was feeling for those lost friendships, even if they were not healthy ones, was filled by new friends - positive, encouraging, uplifting friends.  New people came into my life from all directions and I was amazed to have friends that were basically happy people who encouraged happiness in me.  Like attracts like.  Before long, I could look at my former friends and wonder why I was ever friends with them!  Of course, I was a different person when we were friends and they served a need in my life at that time.  I have learned to be thankful for what I learned from them and from our relationships.  We learn from our negative experiences as well as our positive ones and sometimes the negative ones are our best teachers. 

I cannot ignore an even earlier negative influence in my life - my former husband.  When I met him he was suffering from depression - most recently caused by an earlier divorce and loss of contact with his daughter.  However, I believe his depression started much earlier - in his childhood - when he was forced to deal with parental rejection from his father and his step-father.  He was like a sad little boy and my people-pleasing tendencies encouraged me to love him and heal him.  I just knew I could love his problems away.  I could make him happy and help him forget all the bad experiences in his life.  Sounds like a god complex, doesn’t it?  Did I really think I had that much power?  Honestly, I think people-pleasers have less of a god-complex than a responsibility complex.  We feel we are responsible for the well-being of everyone in our lives and because we have so much experience “fixing” other people, we take on more and more challenging cases.  My husband was a very challenging case and for 28 years I tried to make him well, make him happy, make him whole, and it did not work.  I just made myself unhealthy, unhappy and incomplete.  Not only did I wear myself out trying to “fix” him but I absorbed his negativity.  I, who was once nicknamed Pollyanna for my sunny outlook on life, became a terribly pessimistic and hopeless person.  Since I’d already experienced some depression in my youth, my mostly cheery disposition was no contest for his brooding personality, so my positivity was converted to negativity.  Once I was as negative as he was, only an extreme life change could save me and, fortunately, adopting my daughter was extreme enough to do that.

As hard as it is to accept, to save ourselves we sometimes have to leave the ones we may love but who are not good for us - the ones who do not bring light and love into our lives, who immerse us in negativity and criticism; the ones who no not how to be encouraging, uplifting or inspiring.  But what if you cannot leave them?  What if your negative albatross is your parent or a sibling or your child?  What if physical distance is not an option?

If total separation is not possible, limited exposure may be an option.  Search for ways to limit contact with the person.  Find distractions, as I did with music at my desk, that create a barrier between you and the person.  Before being in contact with the person, repeat positive affirmations like “I attract only positive people and experiences into my life”, “My cheerful disposition changes negativity into positivity” and “I control my thoughts and only allow positive, happy ones to enter my mind no matter what influences surround me”; see yourself surrounded in white light and ask for protection from the other person’s negativity; imagine the other person surrounded in white light and ask that any negativity he or she may be holding be dispersed before contact is made; imagine a wall of light between you and the person; imagine yourself in a bubble that gives you protection from all negativity; give thanks for the positive influence you will have on that person and every person with whom you will have contact that day.   At first, these practices are difficult to incorporate into your daily life, but with practice they become easier.  And, as you withstand the negativity of others, allowing your positivity to grow, you will naturally move in a different direction that may allow you to distance yourself further from the negative person or persons and your life will be blessed with new, happy, life-affirming people. 

Trying to manifest anything requires as much positive energy as you can possibly drum up, so limiting  your exposure to negative energy in your world is extremely important.  Even if you have very little control over your daily influences (If you are a law enforcement officer or a soldier, for example, you may constantly be in negative situations that you cannot change), you can make choices to erase the negativity that has clung onto you.  Once you leave your job, for example, listen to soothing, peaceful music - not heavy metal or rap music that has a strong negative undertone; take a warm shower and imagine all the negativity washing down the drain; practice meditation or yoga or tai chi or one of the other calming disciplines; exercise; put all of your attention into something creative that inspires you and pushes away your thoughts of the day; spend time in nature or with children; read positive literature; practice affirmations.  These are just a few of activities that can help neutralize negativity.

I have recently been exposed to some negativity that I hope is only temporary, but, for now, it is imperative that I search for ways to avoid or wash away the negativity if I want to manifest my new home and life in Mount Dora (or anything else, for that matter).  When confronted with negative comments, I choose to ignore them or respond passively whenever possible.  Not allowing myself to take everything personally helps.  We tend to think that someone’s bad mood is directed at us or, maybe, even caused by us.  A sharp tone of voice, a rude comment and we get hurt and annoyed - at least, I know that is my tendency.  I am learning to assume that it is NOT my fault that someone else is surly.  Choose not to accept the responsibility for other people’s moods.  Sometimes when I am exposed to another’s rants or complaints, especially someone who thinks I should agree or at least sympathize with his/her point of view, I just nod and think of something pleasant during the emotional dumping and when it has ended, I say something non-committal like “Wow, that’s too bad” or “Sorry to hear that” or “I know how you feel”.  People just want to let loose, to be heard and it is really not necessary to engage yourself in a conversation over whatever the issue may be.  Usually, a nod, a sympathetic smile and a standard I-understand-you phrase is enough.  I also practice some of the other suggestions I had in the previous paragraph.  It is my hope that this negativity will subside and I only need to tread water until that happens.  We all experience periods of negativity in our lives - whether personally or through others - and usually those times are temporary.  We do need to be sympathetic to the problems of others and treat ourselves kindly when we undergo bad times.  It is the never-ending, never-healing negativity that drags us down, saps our energy and destroys our dreams.    

4/6/12 Moon Over Mount Dora

We are in our destiny town and the moon will be full and powerful tonight.  A good time for manifesting!

Usually Mount Dora sweeps away our troubles, but this time some annoyances have been hanging on.  I think we both feel the prickly edges of aggravations that have hitched a ride south with us, leaving no sense of peace.     

I am reading “The Architecture of All Abundance - Seven Foundations to Prosperity” by Lenedra J. Carroll (mother of the singer Jewel).  The fifth chapter is entitled “Be Peace”.  Nedra escapes the hectic world of managing her daughter’s career to spend three weeks at a retreat where she learns to obtain and keep an internal peace that will remain constant no matter how rough the waters are around her.  I know that peace, even world peace, must begin in the heart and soul of each individual.  And, as I was reading that chapter, it occurred to me that peace, although a grand and powerful concept, needs only to be a simple action or, perhaps more often, a non-action.  Letting someone’s unpleasant statement pass without comment.  Allowing someone to be moody without absorbing the mood or even acknowledging it.  Releasing the need for someone to be or feel a particular way. 

I often take on the burden of trying to make others feel better and usually absorb whatever ill mood I am trying to “cure”.  When did it become my job to change the moods and attitudes of all who are part of my life?  Why do I so often feel responsible for their negativity, sharp responses and sarcasm?  Am I so powerful a person that I can cause or control someone else’s state of mind?  Yes, we all influence one another, especially those close to us, to some degree, but surely the degree is less than we often imagine.  And, if it isn’t, if someone allows us to control his or her mood so completely, isn’t the fault his and not ours?  If someone gives away his or her power like that, we certainly do not need to accept it.  Shouldn’t we be busy enough with our own state of being that we don’t have the time or the energy to be controlling or worrying about someone else’s? 

I know my need to make everyone happy grew from the death of my mother when I was three months old.  I grew up believing that my birth somehow contributed to her early passing.  My father was a moody, volatile man and I assumed his anger was the result of losing his wife at a young age and since I felt some responsibility for that loss, I also felt an immense responsibility to make him happier or, at least, less angry.  The responsibility I felt carried over to others - why I don’t know.  People viewed me as a person with a big heart, open arms and the ability to listen well.  Even in elementary school, other children brought their troubles to me.  At first I was perplexed, but then I just accepted that they were drawn to me for some reason beyond my understanding.  Eventually, all that listening, along with my perceived responsibility for my father’s emotional stability, weighed heavily on me.  I was too young to develop the coping skills of counselors, therapists, doctors and nurses, so I suffered in ways an adult, much less a child, should not. 

I absorbed the unhappiness, worries and anger of others as a sponge soaks in dirty dish water.  The years have taught me a few lessons about boundaries, but old patterns are hard to break.  I’ve learned a few coping skills and am able to shake off the problems and negative vibrations from lesser acquaintances, but those closest to me are still a challenge.  And, honestly, I don’t want to be cold or uncaring, especially to those I love.   

My new Intention is to give up the job of healing and/or absorbing the moods of those around me.  I am not, nor do I want to be, nor should I be responsible for the moods, negativity or poor behavior of others.  I choose to “be peace”.  I can care, I can have empathy, I can offer advice - when asked, but I choose to accept peace for myself and to allow others to find their paths to peace. 

And, what does all of this have to do with manifesting?  A great deal.  When our psyches  
are bathed in the negativity absorbed from others, we cannot find and nurture our own well-being.  We lose touch with our center, the home of our personal peace.  Creative manifestation requires a strong center, a well-defined sense of self and an internal peace. 

Today we had a tour of the historical home for sale that I found online - the one I printed photos of and added to my Manifesting Mount Dora Vision Closet.  We loved it.  But, as I said before, my focus is not on a particular house so I was able to enjoy seeing it without feeling apprehensive about obtaining it.  It was fun to imagine living there with “there” representing any home in Mount Dora that we can manifest.  Playing games with manifesting can be very powerful way to jump start the process.  As adults, we have lost the wonder and joy of playing, of pretending.  When we are in that childlike state we are free from all that binds us to “reality” allowing us to enter a state of creating.  Touring a house, walking through a car lot, carrying a $100 bill in your pocket, watching movies set in places you want to visit can stimulate your imagination and with imagination comes creativity and with creativity comes manifestation. 

I feel peaceful right now.  I am writing, there is a full moon, I’ve had an enjoyable day in one of my favorite places and I am having a chai latte while my man enjoys a cappuccino.
The energies are powerful.   

4/3/12 Roots

Since last week was challenging, to say the least, and there were times I felt a little overwhelmed with this whole “being happy to manifest” project, I decided to go back to my “roots”.  By that, I mean to go back to when I first started learning about the Law of Attraction and manifesting.  I dug out The Secret by Rhonda Byrne and read it again.  Truthfully though, my earliest roots of manifestation education, besides the first conversation with my neighbor Kathy about Edwene Gaines, was when my man chose the book “The Celestine Prophecy” by James Refield for me to read.  Let’s take a trip back in time. 

With no knowledge of the Law of Attraction, I managed to manifest a move and a new place to live without knowing what I was doing.  To me, that just proves the power of the Law of Attraction.  I was so happy with my new daughter that I climbed out of my martial funk and began living again.  My vibrations went from ultra-negative to uber-positive and, without realizing it, I was telling the Universe that I wanted a new life and the Universe responded to my request.  But, as often is the case, my new life came with new challenges and worries and I dragged along some of the old ones as left-over baggage.  I was happier, but had even more worries. 

A year or so after a new man entered my life (I manifested him, too!), we were in St. Augustine for a little R&R and continued a new-found tradition of choosing books for one another.  We were in the bookstore Second Read and he chose “The Celestine Prophecy” by James Redfield.  He’d never heard of the book, as neither had I, but was drawn to it and thought I would enjoy reading it.  I read that book into the dawning hours of the morning.  I researched similar books online thinking I would find none or only a few and was amazed when I found lists and lists of books that “people who read The Celestine Prophecy” also read.  I began reading them, all the while thinking I was an odd-ball because, other than my neighbor Kathy, I did not believe there was anyone in my city who knew about manifesting and The Law of Attraction.   

I had a friend who shared the same profession and hometown as Kathy, so I introduced them and sat in amazement as they started talking about all this manifestation stuff that I thought was a true secret and which I had no idea my other friend new about.  Then, at a party, another long time friend struck up a conversation with the other two and I found out that she also knew what they knew.  I was shocked.  How could it be that my friends had these beliefs, this knowledge, and had never talked to me about it?  As they explained, they were careful who they talked to about the Law of Attraction because mainstream people, a/k/a their work cohorts, would think they were nuts.   

Shortly after, the video of The Secret was released.  My neighbor invited my man and me and my other two friends as well as a room full of other people to watch the movie.  I could not believe all those people already knew about manifesting and were wanting to learn more.  From there, I progressed to book after book, video after video, class after class.  People I did not know would enter my life to discuss the Law of Attraction.  Synchronicity was in action. 

Yet, still I was struggling with many problems.  I worked to release my worries, to believe that answers would arrive.  And, they did.  One after another, solutions appeared.  And, I learned that just because an answer is provided, it does not mean that everything falls into place easily, especially when you fall back into old routines of “not allowing”.  There was work, lots of work.  I was overwhelmed usually, confused often.  But, I made progress, I learned so much and little by little the problems resolved and my life became less stressful.  I fell into complacency and although I was still reading and studying, I was not doing as much.  And that is why I felt the need to return to the roots of my adventure.

Actually, I think The Secret is one of the less profound books/movies about the Law of Attraction.  It is flashy and presented in sound bites that play well with modern audiences, and provides just a superficial explanation of manifesting.  But, it does hit the highlights and I enjoyed reading it again.  It was nice to revisit the excitement I felt when I first read it.

So, how am I doing?  Today I was tired and a little sad and often irritated.  I listened to music and repeated affirmations to bring up my vibrations.  Should have taken a walk, but I didn’t.  Did I become happy?  Not really, but I became less sad and less tired.  Sometimes happy is just not attainable today - tomorrow, yes, but not today.  Sometimes the stars and our planets are not in alignment, sometimes our body chemistry is out of whack, and sometimes we just feel tired of all the junk going on around us.  We shut down or get wound up or just can’t stir up enough interest or energy to go beyond the day’s necessary tasks.  Downtime is required.  Why?  Because being happy takes effort and commitment and time, especially when you are not accustomed to being happy, or are at least used to just being neutral.  At some point, happy may become my default, no matter what gunk is swirling around me.   But, right now, it still takes effort. 

My happiest time today? Writing this blog.  I feel better than I have all day.  I feel stronger.  
At this moment, I wish I could start my day over and react differently than I did.  But, by thinking that, I am dwelling on the past.  It is better to just appreciate what I am feeling right now - because I am happy right now.  While writing I removed myself from the negativity and chaos and I was able to be involved in something I love.  That is why creativity is one of the best forms of manifestation there is.  When in a creative mode, we are centered and focused, naturally tuning out all the superficial noise and chattering and unconsciously  shaking off all the negative vibrations and toxic energies.  If you want to put the Law of Attraction into action, find something creative to do on a regular basis.  Give yourself that gift of happiness.

4/1/12 Birthdays

Today is my daughter’s birthday.  Birthdays are a good time to think about new beginnings.  Some people make New Year’s resolutions - I make birthday resolutions.  But, I didn’t when I had my birthday this past November, or did I?  If I did, I forgot, which indicates my resolution was not very heartfelt.  I do remember thinking that I don’t know how to grow old.  When I speak to friends in their 50's about age, the women always reflect on being like their mothers and men, like their fathers.  My real mom died when I was three months old, so I never had her as a mirror of what to expect.  And, I can only hope from the bottom of my heart that I will not become my father as I age!  Perhaps not having an aging mother to watch helped me not to have hangups about aging, not to fear what I might be seeing in my mother growing older.  I don’t fight the years or the aging process - perhaps because I always was more comfortable with those who were much older than me.  Even as a child, I preferred the company of adults, and preferably grandparent-aged adults, than I did of other children.  I really don’t think about aging, but I do think about the passage of time. 

At 57, I sometimes think I don’t have enough time left to manifest what I want.  Oddly, 15 years ago I thought there was way too much time left in my life and I dreaded the thought of living all those years until death.  Now I see a finite number of years and I want to live purposefully, with vigor and hope.  I want the years and the minutes to count for something more than myself.  In my sixth decade, I want to learn more, experience more, teach more.  I feel an urgency I’ve never felt before and that urgency brought life to Manifesting Mount Dora.  Since I began this project on March 20th, I have been reading, writing and studying more than I have in years.  I want this project to be bigger than me.  I feel like March 20th was a birthday of sorts. 

My daughter at 26 is already wants to turn back the hands of time.  She is feeling the passage of time, the shortage of time.  At 26, I’d been married five years and would soon be moving for the fifth time.  Already life had lost its glimmer.   I can see that in her eyes too.  Sometimes she cannot see the glimmer or the shine or the shimmer or the glitter.  At her age, life is work - making money, raising children, getting by.  She still dreams, but those dreams are mired in the mundane tasks of everyday life - the tasks that fill our waking minutes and leave us exhausted at the end of the day.  Too tired to dream.

There are ways to rise above the mundane, to put that spark back in our lives and in our step.  I wish I had known at her age what I am learning now.  She already knows some of this and I applaud what she puts into practice, but she, like all of us, can do more to take determined, measured steps to self-realization. 

Much of what I am doing - writing, reading, creating vision boards, using a gratitude journal, walking and doing yoga - are all activities that take time - a lot of time.  Time that, as the working mother of two small children, she lacks.  Time that I lack when my work grows beyond a 40-hour week.  So, when time is short, what can we do to continue manifesting?

The list below is a birthday gift to my daughter:

✮Be happy.  Even when hurried or weary or stressed, find a way to be happy and if you can’t be happy, pretend.  The old adage “Fake it ‘til you make it” is good advice.  Act happy, even when you feel as far away from happy as you can possibly be, and you will start feeling happier.   Smile - a lot.  Laugh - as often as you can.  Sing - loudly.   Dance - like no one is watching.  Don’t wait until you feel happy - that may never happen or it may only last for a short period of time.  Make your happiness.  Look for the little things that make you feel better - a hot cup of tea, a flower in bloom, the smile of a child, the song of a bird, the warmth of your bed. 

✮Be present.  Pay attention.  Don’t get so caught up in all the busyness that you lose track of the minutes that are passing.  Stop several times a day (set your watch or cell phone’s alarm to remind you to do this every few hours) and be quiet, pay attention and note what is going on around you.  What do you hear?  What do you see?  What do you feel?  Can you hear your heart beating?  Breathe deeply.  Feel your lungs and abdomen with as much air as you can and let it out with a sigh.  Touch your skin - is it dry, warm, cool, wet?  Do you have a taste in your mouth?  This little exercise only takes a couple of minutes and even if you do it a few of times a day, you’ve used less time than it takes to brush your teeth and comb your hair. 

✮Be grateful.  Take a moment just before bed to be grateful for your day.  If possible, write at least three gratitudes in a journal.  If you don’t have the time or the energy or the inclination to write, at least think of three or more things for which you are thankful. 

✮Allow.  Allow others to help you.  Allow yourself to rest.  Allow your answer to be “no” sometimes.  Allow your answer to be “yes” sometimes.  Allow yourself to make decisions that are good for you and for those in your care.  Allow yourself to accept compliments and allow yourself to give compliments. 

✮Be quiet.  Not just before falling asleep, but sometime during the day give yourself a few moments of silence.  Lock yourself in the bathroom if you must, but find that quiet spot and be silent. 

✮Set boundaries.  This is a tough one for many people and it can be hard to do in our needy world, but we must protect ourselves from too much - too much of anything.  Know how much is good and how much is too much and respect the limits that keep you healthy and sane.  Put healthy boundaries in place for yourself and others.    


 ✮Speak gently.  Harsh words are happiness killers.  Choose your words for the positive effect they will have on others and on you.  Negative, sharp or impatient words not only steal your happiness, but the happiness of those to whom they are directed and even those who just happen to be in hearing range.  Remove curse words from your vocabulary.  Avoid the shoulds, woulds, coulds, musts, can’ts, and don’ts from your sentences.  Let your words smile and laugh, not bite and bruise.  The same is true of your internal words - what you say to yourself, the mind chatter.  Speak kindly, gently to yourself.  Use positive words when you are thinking, as well as speaking. 

✮Respect others.  Respect does not have to mean agreement.  It does not have to mean acceptance.  Respect is kindness.  Just allowing someone else to be or to say without meeting criticism or sarcasm or disdain from you.  You can disagree, but respectfully and politely.  If you can’t be nice, be silent or walk away. 

✮Respect yourself.  Be kind to yourself.  We are all a work in progress.  Allow yourself time to learn and grow.  Be bold, be brave, be you.  Know that you have as many rights as anyone else.  You have a purpose.  You are here for a reason. 

✮Honor time.  Time can be your enemy or your friend.  Be conscious of time and what needs to be done in the time you have.  Respect the time of others.  Strive to arrive on time.  Always hurrying means your time is not being honored.  Figure out the time you need and allow for that and a little extra.  Schedule the time you need and allow for unscheduled time.  We all need to go with the flow occasionally.  When you are rushing around you are sending out negative vibrations that affect you, those around you and even what will happen in the future.  If you honor time, life will be calmer and you will have more time.

✮Do something different at least once a week (every day would be even better).  Routine, or what we call being in a rut, is our enemy.  We become complacent and lazy and dull.  Doing the same thing every day turns our brains to mush.  Routines are necessary, but not everything needs to be or should be the same every day.  Change something, anything.  Even something small.  Try a different food.  Travel a different route to work.  Change your hairstyle - even that just means parting your hair on the right rather than the left.  Listen to a different genre of music.  Drink tea instead of coffee.  Sleep on the right side of the bed rather than the left side.  Next time you shop for clothes, choose an article of clothing in a color that is not represented in your closet.  Add a little variety to your life to ward off staleness and mental fog.  Surprising yourself is a gift that you can afford.

Even when you are 26 and life is coming at you life a runaway train and you feel overwhelmed and a little lost and a little scared, even when you cannot squeeze out a moment for reading or writing or meditation or vision boards or long, thoughtful walks in nature, you can strive to be happy, be present, be grateful, be allowing, be quiet, to set boundaries, to speak gently, to respect others and yourself, to honor time and to change up your routine.  You cann do these things - sure you can.    

I don’t mean this to sound preachy.  Heaven knows, I am still learning about being happy, being positive and using my thoughts and words to create the life I want.   I wish someone had given me these tips when I was younger before I got too tired and too depressed to think I could do anything to make life better.  I wasted precious time just wishing life would go away.  Perhaps, your experience will be more life-affirming than mine was. 

3/30/12 Daring To Dream

“Daring to dream what is deepest in our collective longings is what makes us most human and fully alive.”   Wendy Wright, The Vigil


My Manifesting Mount Dora Project, during its slightly more than one week of existence, has been a challenge, has spawned creativity and fun, and has made me feel more alive than I’ve felt in a long while.  And, as is the case with many new passions, I have been left exhausted at times, but the good kind of tired, when you feel spent and rest is a reward for your efforts.

The challenges continue and sometimes seem to be racing toward me like Seabiscuit to the finish line.  Again, I feel like I am under attack and sometimes from the very ones that I would expect to shield, comfort and inspire me.  Is my new found passion making others uncomfortable?  Or, are my actions exposing something uncomfortable within themselves?  Am I changing in ways that others don’t appreciate? I don’t know, may never know.  I just keep moving forward.  I look for anything and everything that shines with positivity.  I smile when I feel like shouting or crying or sighing or running far, far away.  And, believe me, that has happened more than a few times this week. 

I had a conversation with a friend the other day who is facing a great change in his life and, although he is an advocate of change and has recreated himself many times, this change  has been forced upon him at a time that feels inconvenient and frightening.  He did not initiate the change and is reluctant to face upheaval at this time in his life.  Oddly, he admits that the very change that is occurring was something he started to initiate, something he wanted, twice during the last decade, but put off because he was feeling so comfortable where he was and with what he had.  The change was, at one time, what he wanted, but he did not follow the calling.  A few years ago, the change he faces now was knocking on his door as opportunity, but he turned it away and now the change has knocked down his door and rattled his windows.  He started the game and became too comfortable, too complacent and decided to sit out an inning and then another and then another.  Now he is being called in to play and he may go out to the field reluctantly or with vigor.  He will choose vigor.  I know him.  For a few days or a couple of weeks he will mourn what he is losing and, in the process, shake off the cobwebs that have gathered.  He knows the game well, he knows he must play creatively with confidence and determination.  He will play and he will win. 

Complacency is merely being comfortable for too long.  We all need a rest.  Sitting on the front porch admiring the fruits of our labors and watching the world parade by is okay - for awhile.  My paternal grandfather, who passed before I was born, worked six days a week, ten or more hours a day from the age of 14 until his retirement at 68 years of age.  He deserved to rest.  He and my grandmother moved to a cabin on a lake and he sat on the porch and did nothing until he died a few years later of what was then called hardening of the arteries.  Maybe his arteries hardened due to a high fat diet or maybe because he stopped moving - not just moving forward, but moving at all.  Not just physical movement, but mental, spiritual and emotional movement, too.  He just stopped.  

Life has stages.  We rush to the next stage or we enter it unwillingly or even unknowingly.  We may try to hold it at bay, but it will come.  We can welcome it, dread it or even deny it, but it will come.  When you enter the next phase of your life, you are swept up in changes - a new school, a new love, a new job, a new home, the birth of a child, the end of a relationship, the loss of financial security, the death of a loved one - they all require attention, energy and focus.  There may be turmoil or excitement or grieving or joy.  Life is electric.  Time passes with unforgiving swiftness.  And then the climate calms.  A pattern develops and we slow dance through our days.  Life is like the soft underbelly of a kitten.  Even the annoyances and aggravations are easily swept away and forgotten.  We get comfortable.  Then, it starts.  The little waves of electricity return, perhaps as problems or maybe as desires.  We feel unsettled, sleep does not come easily.  The kitten awakes and scratches the hand on his soft fur.  We cry, we bleed, we long, we fight, we dream.  But, we want to be comfortable.  We miss the routine, the knowing of life.  So, we look for switches to shut off the electricity.  We’d rather be in the dark like in a mother’s womb.  We push away the dreams and sleep heavily and deeply.  We hold tight and develop a fear of the unknown.  But, the unknown knows us and its coming again.  And again, and again.  Until one day, it does not just knock on the door, it blows the door in.  

For many years I was in the dark, holding tight with fear, when it was the dark that I should have feared.  I made changes that finally turned on the light and moved me in to a new phase of life.  For almost eight years I have been in a new chapter of my life.  For awhile now, I have felt the knocking on the door.  I can open it or I can nail it shut, but the nails will rust and come loose and sooner or later the door will give way.  I have chosen to open the door.  Manifesting Mount Dora is the opening of the door. 

“Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid of standing still.”   Chinese Proverb