After Christmas Day, my man and I spent three days in Mount Dora. Usually I am excited with anticipation before one of our trips there, but this one felt more like an obligation. Even the short drive there seemed long and tiring. At first, being in our favorite town made me feel mostly sad - sad that we are no closer to living there, sad that life seems to be conspiring against my desire to be there. But, as always, Mount Dora worked its charm on me and the sadness melted to a gentle pleasure. I was able to rest between our many walks and a feeling of renewal began to grow. We reconnected with friends there, shopped a little, ate some fabulous food and met new people. There is a house not far from where we stay that has fascinated me for some time now. It is not a particularly pretty house, although it has its charms, and it is not what one would call outstanding in any way, but it "spoke to me" and I don't know why. When I first noticed the house it appeared to uninhabited although I could see furniture through the glass entry door. There were no signs indicating anyone had been actively living there in a while and yet the house was kept up. I wondered if the owners are what we Floridians call "snow birds" - people who live up north in the summer and then come to Florida for the winter. On one visit to Mount Dora, I saw an older, ratty car in the drive that did not have the appearance of a vehicle that would belong to someone owning the home. Last year I began seeing a newer and nicer automobile in the drive, but still saw no actual people and nothing had changed in the house's appearance. As usual, we took our little dog with us on our end-of-the-year trip to Mount Dora, but one morning just the two of us were walking back to our cottage after breakfasting at Cody's on 4th when we encountered an older gentleman walking with a graying beagle. The beagle greeted us excitedly and while we took turns petting him, we chatted with his owner. Turns out the beagle was a rescue dog that came to live with the man just two weeks earlier. We expressed regret that our dog was back at the cottage because we were sure the two canines of similar size would have quickly become friends. Later that day, my man and I were walking with our dog and walked past "my" house and there at the glass doorway, barking vigorously, was the same beagle we'd met earlier! Soon his owner appeared, waved to us, leashed his dog and came to greet us. The meeting of the two dogs did not go as we had thought. The beagle aggressively declared his ownership of his new home and new companion and our peaceful dog, who I believe is the Dalai Lama of dogs, was terribly hurt emotionally, not physically. I am sure that had they met on the streets the result would have been much more cordial, but our new canine friend felt the understandable need to protect his territory. I shared my fascination with his home to the man and he was kind enough and friendly enough to tell me the history of his home, which was built in the latter 1800's, and his own personal story of ownership and even gave me a tour of his abode. With the exception of the dog confrontation, the unexpected afternoon meeting was a pure joy.
After the chance meeting of the mystery home's owner, I started thinking about how we never really know what unexpected occurrence may change the course of a day. I went to Mount Dora never expecting to meet the owner of the house of my fascination, much less expecting to be granted a tour of the home. When strolling back from breakfast that morning we never expected that the man we met walking with the beagle was the owner of the house or that we would encounter them later the same day, giving me the opportunity to tour his home and find out more about it. Having experienced something so unexpected, I began wondering if my manifestation of Mount Dora might also emerge from some unforeseen meeting or happening. For a few days I felt a sense of hope.
The hope did not last long. I returned home to all the responsibilities, problems and long hours of work that eat up the hours of my days during this busy time of year. Very quickly my pleasant memories of Mount Dora melted like a snowflake in Florida and I again felt tired and sad. But, in the midst of my resignation little bits of hope keep showing up. None of them was profound enough to completely give me back my hopeful enthusiasm, but collectively they are pushing me into a better emotional place.
Two were these quotes that I received in my daily emails from Gratefulness.org:
WORD FOR THE DAY
Monday, Dec. 17
Most of us look at our ideals, say how far we are from them, and get depressed. But it is heroic simply to say, "Here are my ideals," state them before the world, and then spend your life trying to live up to them.
Keshavan Nair
New Dimensions Radio interview |
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The hours I have spent with my friend who was in the automobile accident have also shown me that we can heal, physically and emotionally, and, I hope, spiritually, if we just give ourselves some time.
I recently came across an animal card reading that Shenna Benarte did for me in the fall. Much of what I am experiencing now was foretold during that reading. She warned me of working too hard (not much I can do about that), that many emotional issues would surface and need attention (oh, yeah), that I need to journal more (I have been journaling less), that I would be consumed with worrying and wondering and that my reaction should be to stand back and shore up my strength (I have been more weak than strong), that the months ahead would be filled with running around and going crazy (so true), that the drama I would be experiencing was a mirror to what was happening internally and that I need to slow down and breathe consciously whenever I am feeling overwhelmed (that is exactly when I forget to slow down and breathe), that I need to work spiritually on my emotional issues (have been very disconnected spiritually), that I need to be more open and less literal in my translation of what is happening to and around me, and, the most important part of the reading, was the raven "magic" card that I drew which means I can create whatever I want. That is the part of need to remember. I was amazed when I came across my notes of that reading. It happened not long ago, but I had forgotten about all the warnings and encouragement of the cards. Now I feel more accepting that the rough times I am experiencing are a process. I don't LIKE the process, but it is inevitable and, I hope, will push me closer to where I want to be.
So here I am. Still tired, often overwhelmed, sometimes sad, occasionally defeated, but I am seeing little bits of light in what often seems like a deep darkness. I am sometimes depressed, but I am not in a depression. My life is good overall and my days, although often long and irritating, are also filled with smiles, laughter, love, music and sunshine. Just the fact that I am writing this post is progress! The long month of January is not even half gone and I know that I will continue to feel bombarded until I am able to slow down a little, but the days ahead do not seem as dark as they did yesterday.
