Soul Friends

My last post was about my dad - a bit of a downer.  Today is one year since my mom (step-mother) passed over and although I thought about writing about her, I think that could also end up being more melancholy than what I want to communicate today.  Instead, I want to honor my oldest (not in age) friend, whose birthday was this past week. 

It was the summer of 1960.  My father, my two sisters and I were moving to the town where his business was located.  He had rented us a large house with a wrap-around front porch and a roomy, fenced-in front yard for our collie dog.  It was moving-in day when a tall, round woman with two little girls in tow appeared at the back door.  I was five at the time, ready to start first grade in a month.  The woman introduced herself as Clara and the dark-haired and brown-eyed girl hiding behind her leg as Debbie, her six-year-old daughter.  The younger, blonde girl was a neighbor's daughter, Robin.  Debbie and I watched each other with curiosity.Debbie, too, was starting first grade in the fall. 

When Clara discovered that my mom was deceased and my step-mother and father were divorced, she was filled with motherly compassion for me.  Debbie's big brown eyes got even larger as she tried to comprehend how the girl in front of her could live without a mother.  In the weeks that followed, before school started, Clara often invited me to their house on the next street to play with Debbie, and sometimes Robin.

Perhaps, because I had no mom and was accustomed to going to a child-sitter's house while my father worked, starting school was not scary to me.  But, for Debbie, that first day of school was terrifying.  Her mother walked Debbie and me to the bus stop the first day.  Debbie cried, but to ease her fear, I held her hand as we boarded the bus.  Unfortunately, we were in different classrooms and Debbie had to face the rest of the day alone, but I was waiting outside her classroom door at the end of the day and we walked hand-in-hand to the bus together.  That was the start of a friendship that has lasted almost 53 years. 

Debbie and I only attended two years of school together.  My father, one of my sisters and I moved to another state the summer after second grade.  Even during our two school years together, our friendship waxed and waned as we made other friends, but my family's move was still tramatic for us.  Unbelievably, those two third graders started writing letters to one another - letters that always started:  Dear, Debbie or Becky, How are you? I am fine. And from there we shared our experiences in two different schools in two different states.

Every summer, and during some Christmas holidays, my father put me on a Greyhound bus to go visit Debbie.  I loved those visits, especially the summer ones.  I stayed two or three weeks.  Debbie's mom showered me with the motherly love I was missing and Debbie and I and the always-changing foster children in their home spent hours playing in the summer sunshine.  When we were older, Debbie faced her fears of leaving home and her mom and came to visit me a couple of times.

Debbie and I were not always close. We always stayed in touch, we always saw each other at least once a year, but sometimes we did not like each other very much.  Debbie was living in the suburbs of a large city and I was growing up in a very rural area.  Our experiences were completely different.  As we reached our teens years, Debbie was hanging with friends that I thought were trouble.  She was hiding things from her parents and I wanted no part of that. When I visited, Debbie often went out with her friends and I stayed home with her mom, picking vegetables from their garden, shelling peas and talking.  Perhaps it was my relationship with her mom that kept our friendship intact during Debbie's adventurous teenage years, but, whatever was the glue that held our friendship together, I am eternally grateful that we did not drift apart as we often went our separate ways. I went to college, for awhile, and Debbie moved to another state and worked for her brother.  I moved even further away - more than 800 miles.  We both got married the same year.  Through all the years and all the moves and all the changes, we kept writing letters, even when we could not visit one another. 

Now we stay in contact with cell phones and emails and Facebook, but sadly, we rarely see one another.  We have birthday dates - I call her on her birthday, as I did last week, and she calls me on mine.  We drink a glass of wine and chat for more than an hour.  As the years pass, our friendship deepens.  We appreciate each other more with each birthday conversation.  We know that a friendship that has lasted this long, especially from such a distance, is a gift to treasure. 

We have supported one another through marital and family problems, births, deaths and adoptions, illnesses and accidents, happiness and heartache, and, although our life experiences have been completely different, we have always had understanding and compassion for one another's problems and we have celebrated one another's joys and triumphs.  There is no one I laugh so heartily with than Debbie.  There is no one I can so quickly reconnect with, even after months of no communi-cation, and feel as though we have been talking every day.

I wish we lived closer.  I wish we could have a tea together at least once a week.  I wish I could call her up and say, "Let's go shopping."  I wish we could take long walks together and sort through the meaning of life.  But, we can't.  We have different lives a long distance apart.  We have families and businesses and responsibilities that keep us where we are, restricting our ability to even visit.  But, I know that in spite of all these challenges, our friendship endures because we are soul friends.  Our friendship transcends our lives.  It is deeper and stronger than our physical connection because it is a soul friendship and for that, and for Debbie, I will always be grateful.

Waiting with Gratitude

My current location is the surgical waiting room of a local hospital where I wait while my man has a day-stay surgery that started four hours late.  We waited together for several hours in a prep room, he more impatient than I because the last food intake he had was nearly 15 hours ago.  I have done this surgical waiting routine more times than I want to admit.  We thought his surgery days were past after an unbelievably busy medical year in 2011, but here I sit again due to the unexpected and unwelcome health issue that popped up last week.  But, it is at times like this that I realize how fortunate we are - he has medical insurance unlike many others, this surgery is relatively minor compared to those I've seen today who are facing more worrisome procedures and I have family and friends who are praying and sending positive energy to us.  As with others, our relationship has its challenges and moments of glory and I sit here grateful for all we have experienced together.  Even in the dark times, when we held on by a thread, I knew we had a strong bond that kept us dreaming the same dreams.

Our relationship has been a series of challenges - some are common, some are unique.  Being from different cultures, we had to be open about sharing and experiencing one another's customs and habits.  Our cultural give-and-take has left us both better people.  I learned to love mate, an Argentine tea, and dulce de leche, a Latin American caramel-type spread and he learned to cook for a vegetarian, something he never dreamed he would do.

I was used to life in the country and he was accustomed to life in the fast-paced, crowded northeast, but we both adjusted to life in the small city where we reside.  We have many of the same cultural interests - plays, concerts, museums, bookstores, lectures - and here we found many events to keep us entertained and informed.  He has introduced me to foreign films from South and Central America, as well as tango and other Latin music, and he enjoys the bluegrass music of the south and has learned much about the history of Florida and developed a love of the artists who capture the lakes, springs, hammocks, beaches and wildlife of our state.

Our first year together included one of his daughters, my adopted daughter and, later, her brother.  Our blended family often had a rough time and by the end of the year, he and I were alone - good in some ways and sad in others.  Now my daughter and her two children are back with us - an adjustment that thrilled me, but was hard on him.  Coming from a large family and having several children of his own, he was relishing our life as a couple living without other family members and obligations, but he has made the changes necessary to allow me the joy of having my daughter and grandchildren with us. 

I am a person with few limits and he is one with many.  I tend to accept everyone and everything at face value and he has taught me to proceed with more caution, to be a bit more discerning.  He tends to hold back and observe, sometimes being more judgmental than I like.  I have taught him to be a little more open and accepting.  

We have cried together over deaths in our families and struggled through a variety of family, financial, legal and medical problems. We have shared old friends and made new ones.  We have watched neighbors move in and move out and houses be bought and sold.  After eight years, we have a history where we live.  

He took me to Manhattan and I took him to Mount Dora.  We both love the intensity and variety of the city, but the cold and the high living expenses limit us to yearly visits to our favorite metropolis.  Mount Dora, on the other had, is easily accessible and affordable and the weather, though very hot in the summer but no hotter than where we live now, is very agreeable the rest of the year.  The coffee shops, restaurants, museums, shops, theater, and parks of Mount Dora make it a culturally diverse town where we can find plenty to entertain, inspire and educate us.
    

There are days we don't like each other very much and days when we cannot imagine ever being apart.  Sometimes we talk a lot, sometimes not so much.  We get annoyed and irritated with one another and we laugh together and share the secrets that only the two of us know.  We read the newspaper together every morning, often read in bed at night and watch our favorite shows, Touch and Super Soul Sunday, together, sharing comments and observations.  On occasion, we don't want to be in the same room at the same time, but we never want to sleep without one another.  I know I am a better person because of him and I hope he feels the same. 

But most of all, I am grateful for the fun he brings into my life.  In the muddy darkness of a sad marriage, I had lost my sense of fun.  Really, I had even lost my memory of fun.  He gave that back to me.  The laughter, the jokes, the playful teasing.  And that is what I remember during these times of waiting.  The fun.  Life is supposed to have some light-hearted moments. In spite of the hard times, the disagreeable times, the head-banging, incomprehensible times, I relish those moments of fun that have filtered through our days together.  Perhaps those moments add up to less time than the difficult hours, but they are the moments that make this life worth living.

Footnote:  It is nearly 11 pm and I am bone tired after a long and very frustrating day.  After delayed surgery, hospital staff confusion, changed hospital rules about visitors, hospital construction that made getting from one place to another difficult, and some issues with residual effects of anesthesia, I am relieved that I was able to bring him home today.  His surgery went well, just everything else surrounding it that was a confused mess. Today was not fun, but having him snoring beside me is.   

Appreciation

I am overwhelmed by all the wonderful words of encouragement that I received after my last two rather "down" posts.  I appreciate everyone who commented and who contacted me.

I know my last two posts were depressing and reeked of defeat and surrender, but I don't apologize for what I wrote because it was true to how I felt and still feel.  I do, however, apologize if my words made anyone else feel defeated or hopeless - that was never my intent.  I am just trying to write as honestly as I can about my experiences during this Manifesting Mount Dora project.  My experiences - good or bad - are MY experiences, not yours.  My experiences may be stemming from who-knows-what from years ago or even karma from a past life, if that is possible.  Perhaps, I am just not very good at manifesting or I am too old or too tired to be engaged so deeply in manifesting.  Maybe what I wanted to manifest was not right for me, maybe the timing was wrong.  I  hope any of you who are also in the midst of a manifesting project find great success and I beg you not to be discouraged by my experiences.  In fact, I hope you will prove that you can manifest anything you want.  How happy I would be to know that someone who read this blog was inspired to start their own manifesting project and reached great success with it.

My feelings have not changed much since my last post, although I have a stronger sense of acceptance.  I still feel this project is either dead or, at least, dormant, which does not necessarily mean I will stop writing this blog, although I may write less often.  Even a death is a process, so I am not quite through with this project yet.  I also do not dismiss the chance of a rebirth - like a phoenix from the ashes.  Right now, I don't know, and I really can't even think about, how it could possibly come back to life.  Someone commented that she believed I was reaching my "tipping point" and that I would still experience success.  Thank you, Christine, for that encouragement and I hope your statement proves to be true.

In spite of the sadness I am left with now, I know, without a doubt, that I am blessed.  I have a wonderful family, a decent business that may not be my passion but certainly is interesting and rewarding in its own way, many true friends, fairly good health, a comfortable home in a nice neighborhood, many books to read, the wonderful town of Mount Dora to visit and a host of other blessings.  I may be down, but I am not ungrateful.  I still love and appreciate the laughter of my grandchildren and their unfettered hugs and kisses; conversations with my daughter, usually late at night, and her radiant smile; the warm touch of my man and the laughter he brings into my life; my friends who support and love me no matter what; the wagging tales of my dogs and the loud greetings from my cat; the work that pays the bills and gives me satisfaction; long walks; trips to New Jersey, New York City and Mount Dora; books and more books to read; movies that make me feel warm and happy; and so much more.  I did not start the Manifesting Mount Dora project because I was unhappy or dissatisfied - I started it because I wanted something a little more and as an experiment to see if I could manifest something big without "making" it happen.

Unfortunately, as we grow older there are fewer years, and especially good years, left for the realization of a dream.  During the past eight years of my "new life", I've had other dreams, ones that I was not so focused on, but ones that did fill my imagination for prolonged periods of time, and those did not come to realization either. I deeply feel the passing of time now and I know that eight years is a small portion of 58 years, but they are a huge portion of this later stage of my life.  I also know my energy is not what it was even eight years ago and perhaps I would no longer even be able to physically participate in the dreams I once had.  Fifty-eight is not old and I don't feel like I am ready for a nursing home, but I do feel different than I did even a year ago.  That is hard for me to admit, but it is true.

My man told me I am needed by many.  That has been true all my life.  I've always been "taking care" of others - human and animal - personal and professional.  The new life I imagined in Mount Dora interested me, in part, because I hoped to concentrate a little more on what I want to do, not on what needs to be done.  But, I guess what I want to do is not what I am supposed to be doing.  Fortunately, what I am doing, has rewards.

I don't have answers.  I am just here, living one day at a time, and trying very hard to not think about what I have spent so much time thinking about during the last eight months.

Looking Back

This was a saying I saw on Facebook recently: Sometimes you just gotta look back at your past and smile at how far you've gotten.  No name was attributed to the quote, but it was posted by yTravel Blog so I want to give them the credit for it.

Those words made me stop and think.  My birthday is just around the corner and this is a good time to think about the past and how far I've come.  

Life has been moving very fast during the last week.  I was busy catching up at work and at home from my vacation and I watched my grandchildren several times during the week.  There just were not enough hours for all that needed to be done.  When I feel like I am behind in my responsibilities or that I have too much to do in too little time, I begin to feel a little defeated, like I am getting nowhere fast, like my dreams are always pushed into the future.  When that happened this week, I was glad to be reminded to look at my past and see how far I've come.  No, actually, not just see how far I've come, but SMILE at how far I've come.

I took a few minutes to compare the “me” today to the “me” a few years ago.  That difference is undeniably huge - as they say, “ I've come a long way, baby!”  But, what about the “me” of a year ago and the “me” now.  The change is not as remarkable, but still noticeable.  At this time last year, I was not sure what I wanted.  Now I know, and I am working towards manifesting a new home and life in Mount Dora.  I also know that I want to write and am doing  more and more of that.  A year ago, I did not have this blog which brings me so much pleasure and I am even considering starting a second blog.

Last year, my home life was in still in flux as my man and I continued adjusting to my daughter and grandchildren moving in the year before and now we are all settled with routines and schedules involving one another.  A family member who was living with us to help with the childcare moved out this past summer and now I have more of the responsibility for the care for my grandchildren, which is both wonderful and a huge lifestyle adjustment.  Since my daughter is adopted and I never had children of my own, I see this opportunity to help raise my grandchildren as a tremendous blessing that allows me to have an experience I missed during my child-bearing years.  Some family issues that caused turmoil during the past year have mostly been resolved and I am quite content with our home life.

I feel more connected to my home than I did a year ago and am proud of the living and dining room redecorating project that I completed this summer and am looking forward to redecorating another area of our house in these last weeks before the end of 2012.

My work has not changed much, but is chugging along nicely and steadily.  I started volunteering at the last remaining feminist bookstore in Florida, Wild Iris Books, and the experience has been very fulfilling and fascinating.  

My man and I made time to visit Mount Dora more regularly and we just had a wonderful vacation up north.  Since we are spending more time with my grandchildren, we are going on outings with them to the mall, festivals, concerts, restaurants and sometimes just for a long walk.  He and I also joined a gym and enjoy going there two or three times a week to workout.

The biggest change was the death of my mother this year and although I still find myself reaching for my phone to call and see how she is doing, I am at peace with her passing and sometimes feel her presence close to me.  Our relationship, though loving, was also rocky at times and all that seems to have drifted away.  I feel an intense peace and well-being when I think of her and I know whatever issues remained unsettled between us are settled now.

Even when life is hectic, as it usually is, I have a more defined sense of self.  Perhaps there have been no huge victories during the past year, but there certainly were a few accomplishments and many unexpected blessings.

It is easy for me to begin feeling lost and defeated, old and tired, weary and overwhelmed  when life gets too busy and feels out-of-control.  Taking a moment to assess our past and our journey to the present is a good way to be reminded that we've made progress and have blessings to celebrate.  And, we need to SMILE when we think of how far we've come.  We need to feel happy for whatever accomplishments, no matter how small.  We need to remember to celebrate ourselves.

Perhaps a walk down memory lane results in a feeling of defeat.  Perhaps you were better off last year than now.  Perhaps life was easier or happier before and the present looks dismal.  Truth be told, not every year sees us better off than the year before.  Our lives have highs and lows and sometimes the lows seem to last a very long time.  I've definitely been there.  And when you are in the midst of a low, it is hard - really, really hard - to identify anything to feel good about, anything to make you smile.  Look hard, dig deep.  There is always something, even if just a memory of a warm afternoon in a park after a cold winter or a strong cup of coffee one morning when you just could not get your day started or a friend who called at just the right moment when you needed some encouragement.  Those little moments can be just as important as the new job, the big raise, the new relationship.  Once you have identified some of those moments, try to look for them in the days ahead.  Take time to appreciate the cup of coffee, the time in the park and the call from a friend as they occur.  Once you start paying attention, I am sure you will find there are many more of those memorable moments than you realized.   And, I have no doubt, that you will soon be noticing that those moments are happening more frequently or that bigger and better changes are occurring.

I sometimes fall into the trap of comparing myself to someone else who appears to be better off or making more progress than me.  That is a sure way to feel badly about myself.  First, we don’t ever really know how well someone else is doing.  Appearances can be deceiving.  Second, we are all on different paths, traveling at different speeds.  I am not my neighbor or my friend or my co-worker.  I am not you and you are not me.  We can learn from one another and be inspired by one another, but since we cannot be one another, we are not comparable.  I can only judge my progress by my own desires, expectations, and experiences.  The same is true of comparing myself to someone who is going through a rougher time than I am currently experiencing.  My life and its accomplishments may seem extraordinary if compared to someone who is struggling, but that person’s life has nothing to do with mine.  If I compare myself to others, I am taking away my own specialness and individuality and I am denying that I have a purpose and a path that belongs to only me.  When I look at another and think they are making less progress than me, I am judging them by a criteria that only applies to my life.  My comparison diminishes who they are and who I am.

So my birthday is creeping up and I feel like the past year has been a success.  I feel I know myself better now than I did a year ago and that I am moving on the path that is right for me at this time in my life.  I found balance and lessons in several unexpected changes and experiences, some that were difficult and sad.

My upcoming year will bring more challenges, changes, blessings and surprises.  I will surely have moments of happiness and sadness, probably some fear and disappointment. I plan to write more, visit Mount Dora regularly, do what I can to help my daughter and grandchildren, rejoice in watching the children grown and learn, love my family and friends, work joyfully, laugh as often as I can, release what no longer serves me, embrace new experiences, travel to new places and be grateful for all little and big successes and lessons along the way.  

Distance

Right now, my dream of Mount Dora seems far away.  For two weeks my focus was on getting well and, although I am much better, I am still running with a less than full tank.  Now I am focusing on getting ready for our fast-approaching eight-day vacation.  Since I was already behind at work from illness, the last few days have felt a little hectic as I tried to get caught up as well as get ahead before my vacation. I also have been helping out more often with my grandchildren and as wonderful as it is to be more actively involved in their lives, it can also be very tiring keeping up with two children under the age of six!  Each night during the last three weeks, I fell exhausted into bed, not feeling very inclined to engage in manifesting practices and meditations.  It has even been more than a week since my last blog post.  My birth year is winding down and, in previous years, the autumn months before my birthday have produced the biggest changes of my year.  The days are passing and at this moment I feel no closer to what I want to manifest.

I could feel sad or disappointed or hopeless, but I don’t.  I have to live life as it comes and I still have my eye on the prize.  Over the last three weeks, I may not have been focusing on it as much, but I have not forgotten it and I am still doing little things to keep my Mount Dora project on my mind.  But, it did take a backseat to getting well, to caring for my grandchildren, to getting caught up at work and to getting ready for vacation.  A vacation from my routine, even the daily manifesting habits I have cultivated, is a good thing. Even a fun, interesting and inspiring project like Manifesting Mount Dora can turn old and tired without a break.  All but one of our mini vacations this year were spent in Mount Dora and as much as I love those long weekend trips to my favorite town, I think its time for a change of scenery.

Have you ever been working hard or studying intently and your mind just freezes or your brain becomes so tired you cannot think anymore or absorb anymore?  What do you do?  Take a break.  Go for a walk, engage in another activity, take a nap, play with your cat.  Well, my break will be a few days in New Jersey and New York.  I will be looking at skyscrapers rather than the one and two story buildings of Mount Dora. I will be walking in Central and Washington Square Parks rather than Donnelly and Grantham Parks. I will stroll down Broadway and Fifth Avenue rather than Baker and Tremain Streets. I will be surrounded by the hectic bustling of a mega-city, rather than the laid back, slow-paced atmosphere of a small, Southern town. I will be donning jackets and socks rather than t-shirts and sandals.  The change will be refreshing and invigorating.

As I prepare to go, I am filled with gratitude that I am able to take this trip, that my daughter and other family and friends will take care of things at home while I am gone, that my clients are flexible enough to allow me an eight-day vacation, that my man's mother is a gracious, fun and loving hostess to us while we are there, that his niece and/or sister provide us with transportation to and from the train station and, most of all, that four years ago my man  introduced me to the excitement and beauty of New York City.

I will have limited time and intermittent internet access for more than a week, so my blog may lay dormant during that time, but that is okay, too.  Even a break from writing this blog, which I love doing, can be renewing.  Because life can become too predictable and too ruttish, we all need time off, downtime, time to have new experiences and see new sights and that is exactly what I am going to do!!  I plan to return feeling healthy, happy, strengthened and focused. 

Mount Dora on Dwellable

Sickbed Lessons

I’ve been sick for more than a week.  Doctor called it “a virus mimicking the flu” that had spawned a sinus infection.  Never have antibiotics been a problem for me, but this time the side-effects of those pills the size of a child’s thumb were nearly as bad as the “virus mimicking the flu” and, in some ways, worse.  My congestion, sinus affection and cough are better but my digestive tract is a wreck and I am weak and dizzy.  Against the dire warnings on the pill bottle label, I have ceased taking the antibiotics - I will take my chances - and am hoping my biological system with right itself in a day or two.   

I worked only sporadically last week and am feeling my stress level climb as I think about the backlog of work that needs to be done before our vacation in less than two weeks.  Today, I am trying, slowly, to accomplish at least a couple of tasks in spite of my depleted state.  My goal is to keep my attention on whatever task is at hand and not obsess about what has been left undone.  

Being sidelined this past week with illness has given me many hours to think.  I thought a great deal about how I/we take our health for granted.  Something as relatively small as a virus can turn daily life upside-down.  I miss feeling well.  I miss having energy.  And, that makes me think about those with more serious, longer-lasting and perhaps even life-threatening illnesses and conditions.  I feel great compassion for anyone who deals with feeling badly every day and great admiration for those who move forward in spite of their physical challenges.  My health needs to be noted in my gratitude journal more often so I won’t take it for granted.  

Yes, my work is languishing, but my clients are still in business.  My illness has caused some inconveniences for a few people, but no one complained and everyone’s life has moved forward with no harm.  Usually what I/we think of as a huge problem is more of a hiccup in life.  I’ve had time to appreciate those who adjust to the bumps in each day, picking up the slack when needed, easing the way for someone like me who may not be at the top of her game for a few days.  

I thought about what makes a normal day successful.  It’s not the big things, not the huge accomplishments, not the over-the-top moments.  A successful day is simply waking up feeling well, having water and electricity to make life easier and food to provide nourishment, having transportation to some sort of work that provides income and a feeling of self-worth and accomplishment, having family and friends to love, having moments of joy filled with laughter, and, finally, sinking into a comfortable, warm bed at night.  My days are successful when my daughter and I have a few moments of conversation and sharing, when my grandchildren hug and kiss me, when my man makes me laugh, when my pets look at me with devotion, when my work is honest and well received.  

So, what does this have to do with Manifesting Mount Dora?  A big part of manifesting something new is appreciating the old - being thankful for what you already have, especially the taken-for-granted everyday blessings.  Getting sick slowed me down and helped me appreciate that my “everydays” are amazing.  I am so grateful to have such a life that I can actually have a project like Manifesting Mount Dora!  For so many, their manifesting project would be to create a life with enough food to never feel hungry, steady work to always have enough money to pay the bills, a safe and comfortable place to live, the love and support of family and friends, and the freedom to pursue education, self-fulfillment and personal dreams.  Our paths are different, but we all want to manifest SOMETHING.  And to move forward on any path, we need to look behind us with appreciation and gratitude and to look forward with appreciation and gratitude because that is what life is about - appreciation and gratitude.  

What Does It Mean?

I am at a women's retreat at Santa Rosa Beach in the Florida Panhandle.  I've never been this far west in the state and I have never attended a retreat that was longer than a day.  We arrived yesterday at noon and will leave tomorrow at noon.  There are seven of us here: the retreat facilitator Vickie Spray, our massage therapist Katrine, myself and four other women.  None of us is like the other.  We are different ages and sizes and we brought different life experinces to this place.  What we do have in common is our desire to release our fears and our willingness to share and support one another on this two-day spiritual journey.  I am grateful for this opportunity, for Vickie creating this welcoming and safe group, for the lovely home where we are staying and the two women I've never met who created such a warm and inviting space and who are allowing those they don't know to experience it.  I am grateful for all the other women here who are sharing deeply, allowing dark corners of their lives to rise to the surface so we can all heal together.  I am thankful for the hours of self-care we are experiencing through naps, conversations, massages, walks, the beach, laughter, and good food.

In the spring I attended the Spritual Faire at the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship in my town where I met a woman selling hand-made beaded bracelets.  Each one was unique - sizes, colors and types of stones and beads varied.  Some had metal beads with letters or numbers etched on them.  She instructed me to think of a request I have for the Universe and then "listen" for the bracelet that spoke to me.  I purchased one with earthy-colored stones, many shaped like half-moons, and a metal bead with an 8 on it, which the woman said was the symbol of prosperity.  It seemed apropos since my request, unspoken and therefore unknown to the  bracelet creator, was for the financial prosperity I need to create a new home and life in Mount Dora.  She put the bracelet on my wrist and told me to wear it 24/7 until it released itself from me.  When that happens, she said, you will know that you no longer need the bracelet.  In spite of being unsure what that meant, I walked away contented with my pretty, unusual bracelet.  I wore it every moment since, until yesterday.  Shortly after arriving at the beach retreat, I was in the bathroom changing into some cooler clothing when my left wrist hit against a towel rack.  It was not a hard hit, but it obviously was enough for my bracelet to "release itself from me".  I watched sadly as the lovely earthy-hued beads dropped to the floor, bouncing and rolling in all directions.  My pretty bracelet was gone.  What did that mean to me?  Do I believe that the bracelet could fulfill a wish?  Does the loss of it mean my wish has been fulfilled?
 
Physical evidence at this time says that I have not achieved the financial prosperity to, as I like to say, Manifest Mount Dora, but perhaps I am on the road, or it will occur soon or maybe I have learned an important lesson that will lead toward that goal.  I am not sure.  I can't help but feel that the releasing of the bracelet during this retreat weekend has some sort of significance.  I look at my left wrist and it seems bare without my unique bracelet and even replacing it with one of the many other bracelets I own seems inadequate. And, yet, I also have a feeling of acceptance that it was time for the bracelet to be released or to release me.  This may all seem so silly, like childish wishful thinking, but yet it feels very strongly significant to me.  I have no idea if the bracelet had any power or any lessons to teach or if I am just projecting more importance to a piece of jewelry than it could possibly have.  But, I do know that, although I miss it,  I feel a sense of completion without it.  After almost five months of wearing the bracelet, I have no answers;  I have only more questions.  But, if this journey of Manifesting Mount Dora has taught me anything, its that progress is only made when we ask questions.  Questions spur the seeking that creates the journey.  I often looked at my bracelet and considered financial prosperity, what that meant to me and what fears I have surrounding that idea.  Maybe the job of the bracelet was to encourage the questions that lead to the seeking that leads to the answers.  Maybe those questions are what led me to this weekend retreat and maybe that is why the bracelet was released or released me.  

Living Life As It Is

Last week, at this time, my man and I were in Mount Dora.  So was Tropical Storm Isaac.  That seems to be the theme of the summer, we escape for rest and relaxation and are accompanied by a tropical storm.  It happened in May with Tropical Storm Beryl, in June with Debby and last week with Isaac.  Fortunately, we stayed safe and still had a good time and our home and family, who also were in the path of the three storms, suffered no ill effects of the unpredictable weather.  


Being in Mount Dora, as always, was restorative.  Much rest, walks in the rain or between the rains, lots of reading, some writing, naps, visits with people we have come to know in our favorite town and the pleasure of meeting other residents, and many good meals.  Good times can be had even in threatening weather.  We discovered a book store called Barrel of Books and Games where I purchased some gifts for my grandchildren and several books, including a three-book series of novels that take place in Mount Dora called the Fairlawn Series by Angela Hunt.  Last night, having completed a wonderful novel about people and dogs living near Central Park in Manhattan (another of my favorite places) called “The New Yorkers”, I started the first in the Fairlawn series, “Doesn’t She Look Natural?”  I am enjoying the story very much in spite of the slight “Christian” side-theme, which is present but not preachy.  The story is not unusual: husband has mid-life crisis leaving his wife and two sons for their nanny, who is, of course, a fraction of his age.  Mom is left struggling financially, forced to sell their home and move in with her retired mother, searching for a job in Washington, D.C. while hindered by her powerful husband’s influence there, and trying to remain hopeful about the future as she assumes almost full responsibility for raising their two sons.  I have just reached the part when Mount Dora enters the picture.  Mom inherits, from an barely-known great-uncle, a funeral home in Mount Dora and will end up moving her children there to assume management of a business about which she knows nothing.  I am looking forward to seeing how Mount Dora is portrayed in the book - favorably, I am sure, since the book is sold and promoted in the town!  I like the idea of the unknown business challenge and am interested in seeing how mom and boys adjust to their new lives in Mount Dora, so far-removed and so immensely different than their lifestyle and  experiences in the D.C. area.

My Labor Day weekend plans to finish painting the table and chairs I purchased for my grandchildren back in July were pushed aside when my client, who has closed his business but still needs me to work for him until the end of the year, decided that he does not want to keep his office available as a place for me to work and asked me to transfer his bookkeeping records, computer and printer and some office supplies to my house.  Since my house is overflowing with three adults and two children living here full-time and two other family members staying for weeks at a time several times a year, it was a challenge to make room for more stuff.  But, because he was not only a good client but also a friend, I did my best to accommodate his wishes.  More rearranging, more organizing, but I think I made it work.  Waiting now for my computer-expert friend to come by and tweak what I started, but I am confident we can make the situation satisfactory.  

On Thursday, I leave for a women-only retreat called Expanding Past The Fear at an ocean resort in the Florida Panhandle.  I am excited to be part of this event.  Not only will it involve lots of self-care, but we will work through our fears - fears that may be holding us back from who we should be and what we should be doing.  I believe that we are all a work-in-progress and anything we can do to improve who we are and where we are furthers us on our path to prosperity and personal fulfillment.  I am so grateful for the opportunity to be part of this retreat!

Life continues even when you have a manifestation project.  You cannot stop living, nor should you, to concentrate on what you want to create in the future.  I know people who put their current lives on hold to while away the hours dreaming of what they want the future to hold.  Life is about energy and energy is about action.  Action is in the present, the now.  Work must be done, bills paid, food prepared, lawns mowed, clothes washed, children hugged, school lessons learned, floors swept, bodies showered, books read.  Our actions must naturally revolve around what creates and maintains the life we are living right now, but we also should carve out time for what we want to manifest.  Just a little time.  Some meditation, some visualization every day.  Some journaling is good and for me, blogging.  For whatever it is you want to manifest, set aside a little time everyday, even if no more than fifteen minutes, to keep your dream alive and fresh.  Embrace and participate in the life you have now, even if your desire is to create a new, different life.  Appreciate what you have now to energize what you want in the future.

"Who's Got It Better Than Us?"

"Who's got it better than us?" is the quote attributed to Vincent DiMartino, Sr. on a memorial  plaque that adorns a bench in Elizabeth Evans Park in Mount Dora.  Mr. DiMartino is certainly deceased, but I know I would have liked him.  I imagine he was a boisterous, fast-talking Italian man who loved his family, good food and happy gatherings.  He counted his blessings and knew what a fortunate man he was.  His family loved him enough to dedicate a park bench to him, adding his favorite saying to the memorial plaque.  Someone also painted daisy-like flowers on the bench, the only bench of the several in the park that was adorned with a quote and artwork.  I think that speaks to the specialness of Mr. DiMartino, whom, I am sure, would prefer to be called Vincent.  I imagine the innocent-looking flowers were painted by a grandchild who misses Papa Vincent very much.

Perhaps we should all go around saying, "Who's got it better than us?"  I know that was not a saying in my childhood home, but I would like to rewrite the story of my youth so it was.  I know it certainly was not the saying in the home I shared with my husband for 28 years.  In fact, if a park bench was dedicated to him and a quote added to his plaque, it would say, "If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all."  Or, perhaps, "I was born on a Wednesday and you know that Wednesday's child is full of woe."  And so was our house, much of the time.  He expected bad luck and that is what he got, but, sadly, so did I.  My nickname was once Pollyanna after the ever-cheerful and optimistic character played by Hayley Mills in the movie of the same name, but after several years living with Wednesday's Child of Woe, Pollyanna became Sad Sack Sally who believed that "Life sucks and then you die."

Who we spend time with matters.  Maybe we cannot choose the families who raise us, but as adults we can take the lessons from those negative family situations and move forward into our adulthood wiser and happier.  We, as grown-ups, can consciously choose to surround ourselves with those who appreciate, teach, embrace, encourage and inspire us.  We can look for the Vincents and avoid the Wednesday Children of Woe.

We can strive to surround ourselves  with beauty, to fill our minds with inspiration and to wonder, "Who's got it better than us?"  Plant some flowers, hang a piece of art, keep your home clean and organized, pick up trash on the streets, recycle, laugh often, have parties and dinners, dance whenever you can, read wonderful stories and inspirational books, travel as much as possible, meet new people wherever you are, sing with gusto, get out of the house, smile at everyone, help those who have less than you, give hearty hugs, learn something new everyday, embrace diversity, be excited about change, cry when necessary and then stop crying, find something creative to do regularly, teach what you have learned, plan a life that is full to overflowing.  I know Vincent DiMartino, Sr. did and that is why he often exclaimed, "Who's got it better than us?"

Living Small

As a child, I thought big and I dreamt even bigger, as most of us do.  But, my thoughts and dreams shrunk in size as I matured.  Life experiences deflated me, people cautioned me, and I succumbed to fear and self-doubt, as most of us do. 

Well-meaning mentors, family members and friends told me "don't bite off more than you can chew", "be practical", "you can't support yourself doing that", "life is hard, plan ahead", "work hard, then work harder" and all those sorts of advice comments we have all heard during our lifetimes. 

Plans I had went awry.  Unexpected problems interferred with my life.  Failures knocked me down.  Doubts crept in.  Fears took hold.  And, I began to think and dream smaller, then even smaller.  I was like a balloon losing air. By my early twenties that balloon was languishing on the ground, mostly deflated. 

I could put blame on others for poor advice and for instilling fears. I could blame life itself for what did not occur that I wanted to happen and what did occur that I did not want to happen or could not even have imagined happening.  And, I did dish out the blame for many years.  But, that did not benefit me in any way.  In fact, the blame game just made me feel bitter and angry and even more defeated.  Why try when I cannot control much, if hardly anything, that happens in my life? 

The biggest lie I was told by all those well-meaning advice-givers was that I could control my life.  I could plan and chart a life course and with diligence follow it precisely to great successes.  Not true - at least for me.  I know some who have appeared to do just that.  They decided at an early age what they wanted to do in life, they went to school or obtained the experience and training they needed, they worked hard or at least diligently in their chosen profession and lived a life that was successful on many levels.  Some may not have done so well in other areas which are not so easily planned.  Some had relationships and family lives that were filled with disappointment and unexpected consequences, but some were fortunate to have personal lives just as or even more successful and fulfilling as their professional ones.  I used to hate those people.  I was filled with jealousy that they walked a clear path with no pitfalls or unexpected detours.  Why did they seem so blessed and I was not?  Of course, if I dared looked honestly at my life, in spite of the unexpected occurrences and roadblocks along the way, my life appeared to be much better than the lives of many who seem to walk with a dark cloud of impending doom over their heads.

Comparing my life to someone else's was a waste of time and emotions.  Now, I see that we are all here for different reasons, to have different experiences and to learn and grow from all the pitfalls, detours and problems that litter our paths.  We can plan and dream (planning and dreaming are good), but unless we are in touch with our inner guidance system, unless we are incorporating what we learn into our daily practices, unless we are being grateful for all the many blessings in our lives (even if it appears others have more blessings), and unless we are open to change and adjustments, we will always seem to be failing and losing our way.  Of course, we aren't.  We are moving forward just as we need to.  We are having experiences to learn just what we need to know.  We feel stuck, we feel lost, we feel defeated, but that is because we are out of touch with who we really are and what we are here to accomplish.  Tap into your inner guidance system or to your higher power or to your intuition and your life will become smoother and clearer.  Too often we learn that lesson later in life and then we feel we missed the boat.  The knowledge and connection came too late.  Now, we have something new to hold us back.  Age.  I am too old, I can't start over now, there isn't enough time left to do what I want to do, I no longer have the energy I need. . .

Thoughts like that are new barriers that we create for ourselves.  I know I often feel that way.  I am too old now.  I wish I had learned all this when I was younger and my life could have been so much more, so much fuller, so much better.  I wish, I wish, I wish.  Wishing is NOT dreaming.  Wishing is a terrible waste of time and energy.  I am working hard to replace wishes with dreams and then taking those dreams to a new level where I actualize them through The Law of Attraction.  And, still, sometimes I feel that it is all moving too slow because I am getting older every day and, really, how much time do I have left?  That is when I try to remember that my great-aunt lived to be 104 and my man's mother will be 93 in a month.  Maybe I have lots of time left and maybe I don't, but I prefer to bet that I do.  Otherwise, I will just sit here passively and decay.  Nope, not appealing at all. 

Once, while I was attending a prosperity class, I had a dream in which myself and another class member were standing before a building with a sign on it that said "The Center for Peace and Prosperity".  I woke up from that dream, remembering it in detail, and knowing, without a doubt, that it was the woman standing with me before that glorious Center for Peace and Prosperity who had created it.  I gave her full credit for the Center although no words were exchanged in my dream; there was no signage indicating she was the founder of the Center; there was absolutely NO REASON for me to believe she was the creator of the Center.  But, that is what I thought.  Why?  Because I could not imagine myself doing something so grand; I could not accept that I was capable of such a glorious creation.  I was thinking small, dreaming small, living small.

I recently had a very similar dream.  I saw a building, although it looked different than the one in my original dream and, in fact, it looked very similar to a building in Mount Dora, and on that building was a sign that said "The Center for Peace and Prosperity".  I stood there alone.  I stood there feeling proud.  When I awoke, I knew that in my dream I was the creator of the The Center for Peace and Prosperity.  Perhaps I was also the creator in my original dream, but I was unable, at that time, to seem myself as a creator or a builder or a manifestor. So, I gave the credit to someone else.

Now I can see myself that way.  Now I can give myself credit for something that I very much dream of manifesting in Mount Dora.  Besides my home, my retirement and my new life in Mount Dora, I can now imagine part of that new life being "The Center for Peace and Prosperity".  Yes, I can see that.  Yes, I can live bigger.  

I Want What I Want When I Want It!

One of the biggest disappointments in life is - well, disappointment. Disappointment is not being happy with a result. To be disappointed one must have expectations. Expectations come from a sense of desire or control. We want something and we do what we can, if anything, to control the process so we obtain our desired outcome. Sometimes we are successful, but often, not. A vacation is ruined because the weather was rainy. Someone else, perhaps undeservedly, got the promotion you wanted. The store sold out of the dress that was perfect for your birthday party. In spite of hours of hard work, your boss did not like your project presentation. Regardless of your constant encouragement, your son does not want to play baseball.


I have been called, with good reason, a control-freak. I am better than I once was, but I still have issues with letting go of control. Trying to always be in control is a sure way to experience disappointment. First, we cannot control everything or, really, very much. Second, we tend to try and control others and that is just plain impossible.


I used to work ridiculously long hours, rarely taking a vacation or days off. I felt like my work life was out of control, but actually I had a great deal of control at work and that was causing me to lose control in other areas of my life. Because I felt like I had little control at home, in spite of Herculean efforts otherwise, I spent more time at work where I had more control. The more I worked, the less control I had elsewhere. A vicious cycle and a life out of balance.


Since I rarely took time off, when I did, I wanted my plans to go exactly as I hoped. Inevitably they did not, which I took as a personal slap in the face from God or The Universe or whomever. If I worked 60 hours a week, the weather should cooperate on my one weekend off, right? And, when it didn't, I was not only disappointed, I was angry, sullen, depressed and inconsolable. How dare life do this to me? I work hard. I deserve my few breaks to be perfect, don't I?


I chose, on some level, to live an unbalanced life. I was not respecting myself, others in my life or all aspects of my life - home, relationships, work, spirit, recreation, etc. - so why would l expect life or The Universe or God to respect me? I honestly thought the weather should conform to my expectations and yet most days I was so busy working or I was so tired, I did not appreciate or even notice the weather.


Expectations, whether reasonable or not, set us up for disappointment. We all experience disappointment, even those of us who are not control-freaks. If disappointment comes your way, you can either go with the flow adjusting your sails to the new wind direction or you can fight against the wind - an effort that will exhaust you but probably not change anything - or you can just give up and be angry, depressed and sullen. Allowing that we all face disappointment because we are human and we want what we want, the only way to survive disappointment unscarred is to adjust your sails and allow the new wind to direct you to some place unexpected. You may have wanted to arrive in Hawaii, but ended up in Seattle - so, enjoy Seattle! You may have wanted the big promotion, but after being overlooked again, you moved on to a new and better position with a different employer. You may have had your eye set on the burgundy living room furniture, but won't the green do just as well, if not better?


My grandkids have reached the age of disappointment. Children until the age of 3 or 4 live in the moment. Their desires are short-lived, easily forgotten. Their memories are short. Disappointment is not a big part of their lives. My grandson is now 5 and he is starting to have desires and remembers what was promised and never delivered. He wanted to go to Dinosaur World and without much consideration I agreed to take him there this summer. As the heat and humidity descended on Florida, I had second thoughts of spending hours walking around an amusement park of fake dinosaurs with two small children, all of us grumpy from heat exhaustion. I suggested a different trip, one that would provide us with a cooler experience. Still living in the moment much of the time, he jumped at my suggestion and off we all went. We had a fabulous time, but days later he started thinking about Dinosaur World and became petulant that we had not gone there, in spite of the great time he had on our alternate vacation. I assured him we will go in the fall, but still he was disappointed. Life was easier for the adults in my household when his memory was shorter and his expectations nonexistent. Now he, and to some extent his younger sister, are beginning to have wants that they remember and when we, or life, do not deliver as requested, disappointment and sometimes tears are the result. They have a long and tear-filled process ahead to learn to let go of expectations and disappointments.


How like small children I am! I want what I want when I want it and I deserve it! But as an adult, I need to realize that what I want may not be best for me at all or at least at this time, like Dinosaur World in the summer. And, as disappointing as that realization is, there is a flip side that is exciting and encouraging. Sometimes what I get is better than what I wanted. Sometimes not getting what I wanted is a blessing. Sometimes I may desire something and it seems impossible to obtain (I have no control) but what I want is for my own good or the good of others in my life, so the obstacles seem to miraculously dissolve. That is manifesting - getting into alignment so your desires are good for you or for others.


I want to Manifest Mount Dora. I am not sitting here idly. I am working on myself and my manifestation through visualization, writing, gratitude and any other life-affirming action I can take. But, I have, with great effort, let go of the hows and whens of the process and although I have a vision of what I want to manifest, I am open to adjusting my sails to a change in wind. If I can continue with this semi-detached attitude, I can avoid disappointment if my vision does not become a reality or if it manifests in a different way or at a different time than what I hope for. And, yet, I want what I want and I still hope to obtain it, but I know, because I am learning and evolving as I skip along this path of Manifesting Mount Dora, the end result of the journey cannot possibly be a disappointment.

7/23/12 Thinking Magically

“And suddenly you know: It's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.”   Meister Eckhart

I was thinking a lot about new beginnings recently when I came across this quote.  Seems like many people around me are undergoing major life changes - separations and divorces, moves, unexpected pregnancies, lost jobs, businesses closing, family upheavals, deaths of loved ones.  Many of these changes appear to be negative, bringing pain, confusion, sadness, stress, self-doubt, anger, disillusionment, and disappointment.  Yet, all these changes have the potential to become positive, life-affirming and inspirational.  Most of the negativity that surrounds change stems from fear and when we fear change we cannot view it as something magical.

Fear is normal and healthy, in the correct situation and with the right amount of restraint.
Fear is a warning that an action, situation, desire, or even a thought could produce danger and requires further consideration, or in already dangerous conditions, fear warns us that immediate action is required.  Fear has its place but being in fear should not be anyone’s daily state.

If you are in a situation that is truly dangerous, such as an abusive relationship, try your best to find a way out - ask for help, go to the authorities, search for a way to remove yourself from the dangerous circumstance.  If you are in a dangerous place, such as a crime-ridden neighborhood, you may not be able to leave right now, but you can take many steps to keep yourself as safe as possible and perhaps work toward moving somewhere less dangerous in the future.

But, the fear that surrounds endings and new beginnings is a different type of fear.  Sometimes we just overreact to situations.  We worry incessantly about something that we cannot change or that we cannot even predict.  That form of fear is irrational and extremely unhealthy, often leading to a myriad of illnesses.   Being cautious when dealing with changes, even obviously happy ones, is commendable, but being actually fearful, when you have no identifiable and rational reason for the fear, is not.  Fear holds us back, keeps us stuck, halts our growth and progression, blocks prosperity.

I know a great deal about fear.  I spent most of my adult life fearing change.  I did not look or seem fearful and no one would have described me that way, but fear was my constant companion.  Even recognizably good changes created pangs of fear deep in my core.  Due to fear, I held back, lived small and too cautiously, and watched life pass me by.  Fortunately, I believe I am past that now.  Changes can still cause that catch in my throat, the one that happens just before you muffle a cry, or keep me awake until I hear the morning newspaper delivered at 4 AM, but, it feels more like worry and less like fear.  Worry is not much better than fear, but I find I can control worry more easily than fear.  Fear tends to paralyze me, even when I know what I should do or least when I know I should be doing something, but worry just consumes and annoys me for awhile and disrupts my balance and then usually I can brush it aside and move on.

The people I know going through all those changes have experienced some fear and worry, plus many of those other emotions I named, but they are moving forward, taking positive steps and looking for ways to resolve or accept their situations.  Some dealt with the negative emotions more quickly and more efficiently than the others.  Those who muddled through at a slower rate had bigger lessons to learn, I believe.

The real challenge is knowing “it’s time to start something new” and trusting in the “magic of beginnings”.  I know I tend to concentrate on the ending, rather than the beginning.  A marriage is ending, but a new phase of life is beginning.  A job has ended, but the possibility of a new, better job is beginning.  Focusing on the new beginning can make the ending easier to assimilate.  I know, all that positive thinking stuff is hard to wrap your head around when you are worried about where you will live, how you will pay your bills, and all the many other concerns that come along with changes, especially unexpected, and perhaps unwelcome, changes.  If someone says, “Think positive” you probably want to positively punch them in the gut.

“Think positive” has become trite and annoying.  Perhaps “think magical” is better and more genuine.  I mean, truly, when you are faced with what seems to be a horrible, uninvited, undesired change, thinking positive either seems hopeless or wimpy.  But, “thinking magical” is, well, magical.  We cannot really predict what sort of action or occurrence might happen that could be called magical.  We don’t know how to make magic happen, so we have to let go and let God or The Universe or Source or whomever or whatever take over.  We have to BELIEVE that somehow, someway everything will work out well for all those involved and that in the process we will learn the lessons we need to absorb to move forward in our spiritual progression.

Why is Disney World/Land so popular?  Because it is magical.  You leave your cares and concerns at the gate and enter a place where imagination and magic rule.  I have no idea how all those fun and fantastic Disney experiences are produced, but I don’t need to know nor do I want to know.  If I knew, that wonderful feeling of magic would evaporate like snowflakes on a sunny day.  Sometimes believing in and relying on magic is just what we need.

Of course, we don’t live in Disney World, so walking around we our heads in the clouds thinking that all of our problems will magically go away is not advisable.  We can think magically, meaning that we leave our minds open for unexplained and seemingly magical resolutions to our problems, but we also need to be ready to act when some magic comes our way.  Magic may bring an unbelievable job opportunity to your doorstep, but magic will not give you that much needed job if you do not make the effort to obtain it.  Magic may arrange for you to meet the man/woman of your dreams in the most unlikely of places, but magic cannot create the relationship if you don’t open your mouth and have a conversation.  Thinking magically does not mean thinking stupidly or thinking passively - it means thinking creatively and passionately - being open to new and different ideas, solutions, suggestions and experiences.

My grandchildren think magically every day.  Some of their imaginings are the nonsense of childhood, but some are the thoughts of innocent minds that have not been bullied, beaten down, disappointed and disillusioned - the thoughts that say, “Why not?” or “I believe I can.” or “Who says I can’t?”  They believe in angels, super heroes, fairy princesses and princes and all the wonderful things that go along with those characters.  They believe that good prevails over evil and that there is always a happy ending.  Naive and simple, yes.  But, to me, their innocent beliefs are also inspiring.  Evil may win a lot, happy endings are not promised and fairy-tale characters almost never come to our aid or befriend us, but does it hurt to think that some of those things may happen?  I believe that each of us deserves and receives magic in our lives every day. When we stop believing in that magic, when we stop looking for it and welcoming it, when we stop being grateful for our daily dose of magic, we lose touch with what is the most special and spiritual part of existence. And, then we lose touch with our humanity.


I want to look at life magically.  I want to think magically.  Maybe I am being naive, but maybe I am just being hopeful - hopeful that something I cannot reason my way through, something that causes fear in the pit of my stomach, something that changes my life in ways I cannot immediately accept can magically turn into good.  I want to proactively think magically, too.  I want to believe that magic can create something wonderful in my life.  Manifesting Mount Dora is definitely magically thinking and I am alright with that. I choose to think magically and manifest magically and that is how my home in Mount Dora will be magically created.   

7/8/12 Befriend That Mountain!

Its been a crazy weekend - so much happening at once - and the week was crowded, too, like the mall on a rainy day.  I accomplished much, but little of it was on my list of things to do, and most was a complete surprise. 

I receive weekday inspirational emails from the website www.tut.com, which is also known as Notes from the Universe, created by Mike Dooley, an inspirational writer and speaker.  Each Monday through Friday morning, I look forward to my TUT email.  A recent message was:

Want to move a mountain, Becky?

Befriend it.

Call me,
    The Universe

Like so many of the TUT messages, this one made me think.  So, is the mountain I want to move Mount Dora?  No, I don’t think so.  I don’t want to move Mount Dora, I want to embrace Mount Dora by living there.  So, what mountain do I want to move?  The movement has to be where I am right now.  I need to move the mountain that is my current life so I can move forward to the new life I want to create in Mount Dora.  In my last post I talked about physically cleaning and clearing out to make room for new.  I started that, but did not get as far along on the project as I would have liked when I read what The Universe had to say.  Besides, making space, how can I befriend my mountain?

Recently, I’ve been disheartened every time I looked at my living room.  Almost two years ago I wanted to buy new living room furniture, but when the decision was made for my daughter and grandchildren, then 3 ½ and 1 ½, to live with us, I decided, very wisely, it was bad timing for new furniture.  My old pieces, which were already looking worn, have survived nearly two years of additional abuse from a large family, including two small children, and have not aged well.  The children are old enough now that I feel safe buying some “new” furniture, but have put off doing so because I have my mind focused on my future home in Mount Dora.  This week I decided to take the Universe’s advice and befriend my mountain. 

If I am unsatisfied with my current situation, it needs to change in whatever ways, large or small, that I can handle and that will make my life, here and now, more enjoyable and more comfortable.  If that means a change in furniture, then that is one way I can befriend my mountain.  Figuring that “new” was still a challenge with small kids in residence, I opted for used, but new to me.  With the help of a friend, I found a nice sofa and loveseat on Craig’s List and it now sits proudly in my living room.  Only a year old, a year spent with a young couple with no kids and no yen for partying, the set looks new.  My daughter’s brother will replace the glass tops of our current coffee table and two end tables with black marble pieces from his workshop and then we will paint the bases a silvery gray - a nice change from the current tan and gold bases.  A few rearrangements will be made of the existing furniture as I move out a tall wooden shelving unit and decide what to do with another smaller loveseat that does not match the new pieces very well.  I already feel better about our home. 

The Law of Attraction says that it is imperative to live with appreciation in the present even while manifesting the future.  That is a hard concept to understand and to live.  We are usually wanting to manifest something new because we are dissatisfied with what we presently have.  So, how can we befriend what we have, which means to embrace and enjoy it and be grateful for it, when we really want something else?  Tricky, very tricky.  It means identifying what is working, or at least what is not too bad, in our current situation and concentrating on that, trying to make it even better.  It means looking for ways, even little ways, to improve what exists now so we can have a sense of satisfaction and, hopefully, pleasure in the present.  Most of all, it means realizing that our contentment mostly comes from within - from using our abilities to make the best out of any situation.  Sitting and waiting for something in the future is a complete waste of time and totally neglectful of what we have now.  Can The Universe or God trust us with a futuristic something-better if we cannot take care of and make the best of what is our present maybe-not-perfect reality? 

So, my goal is to “HTV” my home.  A little almost-new, some presto-change-o, a bit of re-purposing and a tad of re-arranging and I can make a living space that was looking tired and worn, fresh and inviting.  Yes, ma’am, I can befriend this mountain!  And, by befriending this mountain, I am embracing what is the gift of now.  I am also helping others.  A curb alert led to a young, financially-challenged young man picking up my old furniture as well as a couple of other items I was giving away.  Life is a cycle and moving forward really means moving forward in a circle, not linearly.  I love the thought that what I released has a new home with someone who is appreciating what manifested in his now, even if that something was a little worn.  Perhaps he is befriending his mountain, just as I am.

4/28/12 Good-bye, Mom

My mom died last night.  Well, she was really my step-mother, but the only mom I ever knew.  I expected her to die from cancer.  She had uterine cancer about 10 years ago, went through radiation and chemotherapy, had every side-effect listed for both, and almost died several times from her treatments rather than the cancer.  Her life was spared, but the chemo left her with nerve damage in both legs and hands.  For ten years she walked with braces, also using a wheelchair from time to time.  Last October she was diagnosed with cancer in one lung and both breasts and had a blood clot in one leg.  I thought it was too much for someone in her 80's to survive all that, but she did.  More surgeries, more radiation, many hospital and nursing home stays between October and February and the dreaded chemo again, but this time in pill form.  Additional questionable spots and even a large mass were discovered a few weeks ago.  Again, I was braced for the word “incurable”, but, instead, she was declared cancer-free.  The new areas of concern needed to be watched closely, but were not malignant.  The areas discovered in October were cured.  She was ecstatic.  She quickly made appointments to get new braces for her legs, new glasses and new dentures - all things she had put off after the cancer detection last year.  All during her treatments she did not want me to come visit (she lived more than 500 miles from me).  “No, no,” she said over and over, “What are you going to do - sit and watch me?  No, wait until I am better.”  So, I waited.  After the good news two weeks ago, I told her I’d come visit soon and again she said, ‘Wait.  Let me get all these appointments out of the way.  Maybe in May or June.”  So, I waited.  I was in the grocery store this morning when I got a call from her good friend who chauffeured her to doctor appointments and the store when she was too sick or too weak to drive.  She did not answer the door this morning when his wife went to visit.  The door was mysteriously unlocked.  His wife found my mom dead on the floor by her bed.  Groceries still sat in her unlocked car.  All signs indicate a heart attack.  Not how we expected her to go, but certainly a better way to leave this world than dying slowly from cancer, consumed with pain and drugs.   

My step-mom and my dad divorced when I was four and she took their daughter, my younger sister, and moved back to her home state of Maine.  She raised my sister as a single mom when single motherhood was an oddity.  She had a career as a state court reporter, started her own court reporting business and later owned a printing shop.  From the middle of my junior year of high school through my senior year, I lived with her and my sister.  I am so grateful that she allowed me to live with them at a rough time in my life.   

My mom was a tough old bird - a real fighter.  She was headstrong and believed she could do anything she put her mind to and she usually did.  In the 40's and 50's, she was an award-winning bicycle racer at a time with most women only won baking contests.  I remember in the early 1970's, her house needed a new roof.  The estimates she got for the work were too high for her wallet, so she went to the library and checked out books on shingle roofing and taught herself how to re-roof a house.  Back then she was in her 40's and she spent Saturdays and Sundays for a month carrying shingles up a ladder and nailing them to the roof.  She completed the job and the roof never once leaked.  Later, in her unfinished basement, she, by herself, built a laundry room and a family room with a fireplace.  As long as there was a library book to tell her how, she could make or do almost anything.  Even recently, in her 80's with legs in braces and still fighting the cancer that was diagnosed in October, she missed one of my phone calls because she was mowing her yard.  Yes, “tough” was the word that described her aptly.

Tough is good when you want to re-roof a house or build a room, but not always the best attribute for relationships.  She was opinionated and inflexible and could hold a grudge like no one else I knew, other than my father.  No wonder their marriage only lasted two years! Neither ever married again and all eligible men and women in their age group should be thankful.  Neither one was willing to compromise and adapt the way that marriage requires.  Most other relationships also require a bit of give and take and her unwillingness to do that left her with very few close friends or family. 

We were always in contact and I loved her very much, even when she was difficult to love.  I am grateful for the example she provided of a strong, independent woman, but, truthfully, some of the best lessons I learned from her were the ones that taught me how I did not want to be.  The same was true of my dad.  I saw what I did not like in them and chose to be different.  Not every life lesson is delivered as something positive.   

Both my dad and my step-mom were hard workers.  They toiled and toiled and had minor successes and colossal failures.  As Americans and as children of the Great Depression, they held industriousness and the stuff it could buy in high esteem and thought nothing of value could ever be obtained except by hard work.  And, yet, both ended up with more estranged relationships than money in the bank.  My mom leaves a houseful of things - most of which no one wants and which I and her few friends will have to dispose of.  Is life supposed to be only about hard work  - often work we do not even enjoy - just so we can leave behind stuff that few people want or value?  Shouldn’t the number of people at one’s funeral outnumber the boxes of junk in one’s house?   

And, what does this have to do with Manifesting Mount Dora?  A lot.  Priorities are important.  Knowing what truly counts in the end is important.  Realizing that we manifest with our hearts rather than our hands is important.  Knowing that the sweat on your brow should be the result of happiness in your heart is important.  Realizing that you will be remembered for the love you gave rather than the stuff you left behind is important.  And, knowing it is all manifestation, deliberate or unconscious, is important. 

4/20/12 Focus On Purpose

I mentioned before that we are always manifesting, whether we do it on purpose or unintentionally.  Without our awareness, we may attract negative events into our lives or we may experience the negative events that others close to us have attracted.  And, I also said that I believe purposeful manifesting only works when we are on our path to our true purpose in life.  You may learn otherwise from books and DVD’s, but that is my belief.  We are here for a purpose and I believe focused and conscious manifesting is the way we discover and activate our purpose.  I see it as the action that leads us to our higher selves.  That does not mean less-than-grand desires or perhaps even shallow wishes, like jewelry or a car or a vacation, cannot be manifested.  As we move along our path, we should have some fun, too.  But, for me, the true basis of successful implementation of the Law of Attraction should be rooted in a desire to discover what we are meant to do, who we are meant to be, what legacy we will leave. 

From the birth of Manifesting Mount Dora, I believed that living in Mount Dora is a step in my journey to self-discovery.  But, rather than focusing only on the place I want to live, I want to also explore my path and my purpose.  I’ve decided to devote at least part of my writing to books I am reading and studying about self-awareness and the discovery of purpose.  I hope I can share what I am learning and help someone else who is on a  journey of self-discovery. 

Right now I am reading “Find Your Purpose, Change Your Life - Getting to the Heart of Your Life’s Mission” by Carol Adrienne.  As you may recall, the first step in my discovery of the Law of Attraction began with reading the “Celestine Prophecy” by James Redfield.  That led to my reading a book he co-authored with Carol Adrienne titled “The Purpose of Your Life Finding Your Place in the World Using Synchronicity,  Intuition, and Common Sense”.  That book was life-changing for me, so I decided to start this next chapter of my adventure with another of her books. 

“Find Your Purpose” is more of a workbook than a book, allowing the reader to immediately begin self-exploration through writing and other activities to help awaken and identify your true purpose in life.  I have reached Chapter 4 and am already impressed with the depth and intensity of the activities she suggests.  This book is for those who are serious, really serious, about moving forward on their paths. 

The first section is “Starting Where You Are” and the title alone is a meaningful message.  We are always waiting for something to change in our lives before we can change or even move in the direction of change.  We need to be older, or healthier, or married, or free from marriage, or wealthier, or less tied down by family.  We need to have less work or more supportive family or friends.  Tomorrow when things are better and life is calmer and I am healthier and the kids are older and. . .  Always tomorrow.  And, as they say, tomorrow never comes. 

Through a series of questions, the author helps to guide your mind to identifying what you like, what is important to you and what you want.  We tend to think that our likes are trivial and have nothing to do with a greater purpose in life, but if you make a list of what you enjoy doing, what interests you and what brings you happiness, you will see a pattern that is the first step to finding your purpose.  The author says, “. . .anything that catches our interest is part of our life purpose.” 

Perhaps you are so involved with the needs and wants of others, especially if you are raising a family, you have lost touch with what you want and like.  In that case, think back to your childhood - what were your favorite games, what did you like to read, what was your favorite class in school, did you have hobbies, who were your friends, did you have pets, what was your favorite TV show or movie?  Answers to those questions will help you get in touch with the authentic you that existed before you forgot “you”. 

As part of starting where you are, Ms. Adrienne encourages gratitude for where you are, what you have and who you are now.  I wrote before about the importance and the power of gratitude and she confirms that.  You will not and cannot move forward without a sense of gratefulness for NOW.  Now may not represent what you want or who you truly are, but it is your reality at this time and you did help to create it, so be grateful, if not for the situation, at least for the lessons learned.  Look for gratitude and you will find it, even in the most dire of experiences. 

“When you procrastinate, especially when you know what the next stop should be, you drain your energy.”  Thank you, Ms. Adrienne, for covering one of my weaknesses - procrastination.  Most of my life I was almost compulsive in my dedication in getting things done on time and to completion.  Somewhere in the midst of my unhappy marriage and clinical depression, I lost that sense of purpose and responsibility and often put off important tasks that needed immediate attention.  Once I began procrastinating, I could not seem to stop, even though putting off my obligations created anxiety and just made me feel worse.  Procrastination drained my energy! The less energy I had, the less I wanted to do and the more I procrastinated.  Quickly the smallest tasks, when ignored, grow into very large problems.  Once I got back on track and started attending to what needed to be done, my energy increased and I was able to do more.  I felt better and when you feel better, you are more in alignment with the Law of Attraction. 

In only recent years have I felt a sense of intuition.  Perhaps when I was much younger, I worked from a place of intuition without realizing it, but I know, for a fact, as I aged whatever connection I had with intuition was lost.  My actions were dictated by the needs and desires of others and my need and desire to please others.  I’ve struggled to get in touch with those gut feelings that push us along on our paths.  One practice the author suggests is to “walk a living prayer. . start each day by asking ‘What do I do first?’” I like the idea, but find it hard to put into practice.  Most of what we do is because we have to do it, but certainly we can find many daily activities that could be influenced by intuition and by “walking in living prayer”.  Definitely an interesting concept to work on this weekend.