The Days Ahead

The holidays have come and gone.  I am relieved in some ways.  The holidays forced a cheerfulness that was not heartfelt for me.  I grew tired of trying to be "on" when I really wanted to be "off".  Hiding was a temptation that I had to resist.

After Christmas Day, my man and I spent three days in Mount Dora.  Usually I am excited with anticipation before one of our trips there, but this one felt more like an obligation.  Even the short drive there seemed long and tiring.  At first, being in our favorite town made me feel mostly sad - sad that we are no closer to living there, sad that life seems to be conspiring against my desire to be there.  But, as always, Mount Dora worked its charm on me and the sadness melted to a gentle pleasure.  I was able to rest between our many walks and a feeling of renewal began to grow.  We reconnected with friends there, shopped a little, ate some fabulous food and met new people.  There is a house not far from where we stay that has fascinated me for some time now.  It is not a particularly pretty house, although it has its charms, and it is not what one would call outstanding in any way, but it "spoke to me" and I don't know why.  When I first noticed the house it appeared to uninhabited although I could see furniture through the glass entry door.  There were no signs indicating anyone had been actively living there in a while and yet the house was kept up.  I wondered if the owners are what we Floridians call "snow birds" - people who live up north in the summer and then come to Florida for the winter.  On one visit to Mount Dora, I saw an older, ratty car in the drive that did not have the appearance of a vehicle that would belong to someone owning the home.  Last year I began seeing a newer and nicer automobile in the drive, but still saw no actual people and nothing had changed in the house's appearance.  As usual, we took our little dog with us on our end-of-the-year trip to Mount Dora, but one morning just the two of us were walking back to our cottage after breakfasting at Cody's on 4th when we encountered an older gentleman walking with a graying beagle.  The beagle greeted us excitedly and while we took turns petting him, we chatted with his owner.  Turns out the beagle was a rescue dog that came to live with the man just two weeks earlier.  We expressed regret that our dog was back at the cottage because we were sure the two canines of similar size would have quickly become friends.  Later that day, my man and I were walking with our dog and walked past "my" house and there at the glass doorway, barking vigorously, was the same beagle we'd met earlier!  Soon his owner appeared, waved to us, leashed his dog and came to greet us.  The meeting of the two dogs did not go as we had thought.  The beagle aggressively declared his ownership of his new home and new companion and our peaceful dog, who I believe is the Dalai Lama of dogs, was terribly hurt emotionally, not physically.  I am sure that had they met on the streets the result would have been much more cordial, but our new canine friend felt the understandable need to protect his territory.  I shared my fascination with his home to the man and he was kind enough and friendly enough to tell me the history of his home, which was built in the latter 1800's, and his own personal story of ownership and even gave me a tour of his abode.  With the exception of the dog confrontation, the unexpected afternoon meeting was a pure joy.

After the chance meeting of the mystery home's owner, I started thinking about how we never really know what unexpected occurrence may change the course of a day.  I went to Mount Dora never expecting to meet the owner of the house of my fascination, much less expecting to be granted a tour of the home.  When strolling back from breakfast that morning we never expected that the man we met walking with the beagle was the owner of the house or that we would encounter them later the same day, giving me the opportunity to tour his home and find out more about it.  Having experienced something so unexpected, I began wondering if my manifestation of Mount Dora might also emerge from some unforeseen meeting or happening.  For a few days I felt a sense of hope.

The hope did not last long.  I returned home to all the responsibilities, problems and long hours of work that eat up the hours of my days during this busy time of year.  Very quickly my pleasant memories of Mount Dora melted like a snowflake in Florida and I again felt tired and sad.  But, in the midst of my resignation little bits of hope keep showing up.  None of them was  profound enough to completely give me back my hopeful enthusiasm, but collectively they are pushing me into a better emotional place.

Two were these quotes that I received in my daily emails from Gratefulness.org:

WORD FOR THE DAY Monday, Dec. 17 Most of us look at our ideals, say how far we are from them, and get depressed. But it is heroic simply to say, "Here are my ideals," state them before the world, and then spend your life trying to live up to them. Keshavan Nair New Dimensions Radio interview

WORD FOR THE DAY Sunday, Jan. 13 Your success and happiness lie in you....Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties. Helen Keller

The hours I have spent with my friend who was in the automobile accident have also shown me that we can heal, physically and emotionally, and, I hope, spiritually, if we just give ourselves some time.

I recently came across an animal card reading that Shenna Benarte did for me in the fall.  Much of what I am experiencing now was foretold during that reading.  She warned me of working too hard (not much I can do about that), that many emotional issues would surface and need attention (oh, yeah), that I need to journal more (I have been journaling less), that I would be consumed with worrying and wondering and that my reaction should be to stand back and shore up my strength (I have been more weak than strong), that the months ahead would be filled with running around and going crazy (so true), that the drama I would be experiencing was a mirror to what was happening internally and that I need to slow down and breathe consciously whenever I am feeling overwhelmed (that is exactly when I forget to slow down and breathe), that I need to work spiritually on my emotional issues (have been very disconnected spiritually), that I need to be more open and less literal in my translation of what is happening to and around me, and, the most important part of the reading, was the raven "magic" card that I drew which means I can create whatever I want.  That is the part of need to remember.  I was amazed when I came across my notes of that reading.  It happened not long ago, but I had forgotten about all the warnings and encouragement of the cards. Now I feel more accepting that the rough times I am experiencing are a process.  I don't LIKE the process, but it is inevitable and, I hope, will push me closer to where I want to be.    

So here I am.  Still tired, often overwhelmed, sometimes sad, occasionally defeated, but I am seeing little bits of light in what often seems like a deep darkness.  I am sometimes depressed, but I am not in a depression.  My life is good overall and my days, although often long and irritating, are also filled with smiles, laughter, love, music and sunshine. Just the fact that I am writing this post is progress!  The long month of January is not even half gone and I know that I will continue to feel bombarded until I am able to slow down a little, but the days ahead do not seem as dark as they did yesterday.

Appreciation

I am overwhelmed by all the wonderful words of encouragement that I received after my last two rather "down" posts.  I appreciate everyone who commented and who contacted me.

I know my last two posts were depressing and reeked of defeat and surrender, but I don't apologize for what I wrote because it was true to how I felt and still feel.  I do, however, apologize if my words made anyone else feel defeated or hopeless - that was never my intent.  I am just trying to write as honestly as I can about my experiences during this Manifesting Mount Dora project.  My experiences - good or bad - are MY experiences, not yours.  My experiences may be stemming from who-knows-what from years ago or even karma from a past life, if that is possible.  Perhaps, I am just not very good at manifesting or I am too old or too tired to be engaged so deeply in manifesting.  Maybe what I wanted to manifest was not right for me, maybe the timing was wrong.  I  hope any of you who are also in the midst of a manifesting project find great success and I beg you not to be discouraged by my experiences.  In fact, I hope you will prove that you can manifest anything you want.  How happy I would be to know that someone who read this blog was inspired to start their own manifesting project and reached great success with it.

My feelings have not changed much since my last post, although I have a stronger sense of acceptance.  I still feel this project is either dead or, at least, dormant, which does not necessarily mean I will stop writing this blog, although I may write less often.  Even a death is a process, so I am not quite through with this project yet.  I also do not dismiss the chance of a rebirth - like a phoenix from the ashes.  Right now, I don't know, and I really can't even think about, how it could possibly come back to life.  Someone commented that she believed I was reaching my "tipping point" and that I would still experience success.  Thank you, Christine, for that encouragement and I hope your statement proves to be true.

In spite of the sadness I am left with now, I know, without a doubt, that I am blessed.  I have a wonderful family, a decent business that may not be my passion but certainly is interesting and rewarding in its own way, many true friends, fairly good health, a comfortable home in a nice neighborhood, many books to read, the wonderful town of Mount Dora to visit and a host of other blessings.  I may be down, but I am not ungrateful.  I still love and appreciate the laughter of my grandchildren and their unfettered hugs and kisses; conversations with my daughter, usually late at night, and her radiant smile; the warm touch of my man and the laughter he brings into my life; my friends who support and love me no matter what; the wagging tales of my dogs and the loud greetings from my cat; the work that pays the bills and gives me satisfaction; long walks; trips to New Jersey, New York City and Mount Dora; books and more books to read; movies that make me feel warm and happy; and so much more.  I did not start the Manifesting Mount Dora project because I was unhappy or dissatisfied - I started it because I wanted something a little more and as an experiment to see if I could manifest something big without "making" it happen.

Unfortunately, as we grow older there are fewer years, and especially good years, left for the realization of a dream.  During the past eight years of my "new life", I've had other dreams, ones that I was not so focused on, but ones that did fill my imagination for prolonged periods of time, and those did not come to realization either. I deeply feel the passing of time now and I know that eight years is a small portion of 58 years, but they are a huge portion of this later stage of my life.  I also know my energy is not what it was even eight years ago and perhaps I would no longer even be able to physically participate in the dreams I once had.  Fifty-eight is not old and I don't feel like I am ready for a nursing home, but I do feel different than I did even a year ago.  That is hard for me to admit, but it is true.

My man told me I am needed by many.  That has been true all my life.  I've always been "taking care" of others - human and animal - personal and professional.  The new life I imagined in Mount Dora interested me, in part, because I hoped to concentrate a little more on what I want to do, not on what needs to be done.  But, I guess what I want to do is not what I am supposed to be doing.  Fortunately, what I am doing, has rewards.

I don't have answers.  I am just here, living one day at a time, and trying very hard to not think about what I have spent so much time thinking about during the last eight months.

Looking Back

This was a saying I saw on Facebook recently: Sometimes you just gotta look back at your past and smile at how far you've gotten.  No name was attributed to the quote, but it was posted by yTravel Blog so I want to give them the credit for it.

Those words made me stop and think.  My birthday is just around the corner and this is a good time to think about the past and how far I've come.  

Life has been moving very fast during the last week.  I was busy catching up at work and at home from my vacation and I watched my grandchildren several times during the week.  There just were not enough hours for all that needed to be done.  When I feel like I am behind in my responsibilities or that I have too much to do in too little time, I begin to feel a little defeated, like I am getting nowhere fast, like my dreams are always pushed into the future.  When that happened this week, I was glad to be reminded to look at my past and see how far I've come.  No, actually, not just see how far I've come, but SMILE at how far I've come.

I took a few minutes to compare the “me” today to the “me” a few years ago.  That difference is undeniably huge - as they say, “ I've come a long way, baby!”  But, what about the “me” of a year ago and the “me” now.  The change is not as remarkable, but still noticeable.  At this time last year, I was not sure what I wanted.  Now I know, and I am working towards manifesting a new home and life in Mount Dora.  I also know that I want to write and am doing  more and more of that.  A year ago, I did not have this blog which brings me so much pleasure and I am even considering starting a second blog.

Last year, my home life was in still in flux as my man and I continued adjusting to my daughter and grandchildren moving in the year before and now we are all settled with routines and schedules involving one another.  A family member who was living with us to help with the childcare moved out this past summer and now I have more of the responsibility for the care for my grandchildren, which is both wonderful and a huge lifestyle adjustment.  Since my daughter is adopted and I never had children of my own, I see this opportunity to help raise my grandchildren as a tremendous blessing that allows me to have an experience I missed during my child-bearing years.  Some family issues that caused turmoil during the past year have mostly been resolved and I am quite content with our home life.

I feel more connected to my home than I did a year ago and am proud of the living and dining room redecorating project that I completed this summer and am looking forward to redecorating another area of our house in these last weeks before the end of 2012.

My work has not changed much, but is chugging along nicely and steadily.  I started volunteering at the last remaining feminist bookstore in Florida, Wild Iris Books, and the experience has been very fulfilling and fascinating.  

My man and I made time to visit Mount Dora more regularly and we just had a wonderful vacation up north.  Since we are spending more time with my grandchildren, we are going on outings with them to the mall, festivals, concerts, restaurants and sometimes just for a long walk.  He and I also joined a gym and enjoy going there two or three times a week to workout.

The biggest change was the death of my mother this year and although I still find myself reaching for my phone to call and see how she is doing, I am at peace with her passing and sometimes feel her presence close to me.  Our relationship, though loving, was also rocky at times and all that seems to have drifted away.  I feel an intense peace and well-being when I think of her and I know whatever issues remained unsettled between us are settled now.

Even when life is hectic, as it usually is, I have a more defined sense of self.  Perhaps there have been no huge victories during the past year, but there certainly were a few accomplishments and many unexpected blessings.

It is easy for me to begin feeling lost and defeated, old and tired, weary and overwhelmed  when life gets too busy and feels out-of-control.  Taking a moment to assess our past and our journey to the present is a good way to be reminded that we've made progress and have blessings to celebrate.  And, we need to SMILE when we think of how far we've come.  We need to feel happy for whatever accomplishments, no matter how small.  We need to remember to celebrate ourselves.

Perhaps a walk down memory lane results in a feeling of defeat.  Perhaps you were better off last year than now.  Perhaps life was easier or happier before and the present looks dismal.  Truth be told, not every year sees us better off than the year before.  Our lives have highs and lows and sometimes the lows seem to last a very long time.  I've definitely been there.  And when you are in the midst of a low, it is hard - really, really hard - to identify anything to feel good about, anything to make you smile.  Look hard, dig deep.  There is always something, even if just a memory of a warm afternoon in a park after a cold winter or a strong cup of coffee one morning when you just could not get your day started or a friend who called at just the right moment when you needed some encouragement.  Those little moments can be just as important as the new job, the big raise, the new relationship.  Once you have identified some of those moments, try to look for them in the days ahead.  Take time to appreciate the cup of coffee, the time in the park and the call from a friend as they occur.  Once you start paying attention, I am sure you will find there are many more of those memorable moments than you realized.   And, I have no doubt, that you will soon be noticing that those moments are happening more frequently or that bigger and better changes are occurring.

I sometimes fall into the trap of comparing myself to someone else who appears to be better off or making more progress than me.  That is a sure way to feel badly about myself.  First, we don’t ever really know how well someone else is doing.  Appearances can be deceiving.  Second, we are all on different paths, traveling at different speeds.  I am not my neighbor or my friend or my co-worker.  I am not you and you are not me.  We can learn from one another and be inspired by one another, but since we cannot be one another, we are not comparable.  I can only judge my progress by my own desires, expectations, and experiences.  The same is true of comparing myself to someone who is going through a rougher time than I am currently experiencing.  My life and its accomplishments may seem extraordinary if compared to someone who is struggling, but that person’s life has nothing to do with mine.  If I compare myself to others, I am taking away my own specialness and individuality and I am denying that I have a purpose and a path that belongs to only me.  When I look at another and think they are making less progress than me, I am judging them by a criteria that only applies to my life.  My comparison diminishes who they are and who I am.

So my birthday is creeping up and I feel like the past year has been a success.  I feel I know myself better now than I did a year ago and that I am moving on the path that is right for me at this time in my life.  I found balance and lessons in several unexpected changes and experiences, some that were difficult and sad.

My upcoming year will bring more challenges, changes, blessings and surprises.  I will surely have moments of happiness and sadness, probably some fear and disappointment. I plan to write more, visit Mount Dora regularly, do what I can to help my daughter and grandchildren, rejoice in watching the children grown and learn, love my family and friends, work joyfully, laugh as often as I can, release what no longer serves me, embrace new experiences, travel to new places and be grateful for all little and big successes and lessons along the way.