Why

Have you even had a bad odor in your kitchen and you cannot find the source?  You clean and still cannot eliminate it.  The cleansers you used cover the odor, for awhile.  Air fresheners do the same, for awhile.  But, eventually that nagging odor is back.  It will never go away until you find the source and remove it.

When I began my Manifesting Mount Dora project, I had no clue how my new home and life in Mount Dora could come to pass, so I was truly leaving it up to the Universe.  But, I felt so strongly that I belonged there, I believed it was inevitable that my life there would manifest.  I used the Law of Attraction to help it come about.  After 15 months, I am not one iota closer to my dream.

I started every morning with hopeful expectations and every night ended with sad disappointment.  I told myself not to be disappointed because negativity only attracts negative outcomes.  I covered up my sad disappointment with visualizations, affirmations, more photos on my vision board, meditations, happy thoughts and smiles.  I believed that a door would open, an idea would appear, the right person would show up, SOMETHING would happen to draw me closer to manifesting Mount Dora.  But, each day passed and nothing happened.  Most nights I covered up the sad disappointment, but sometimes, like that stinky kitchen smell, I could not mask it and the sad disappointment saturated the air around me and I felt like a failure, a fraud.  A few times the stench of sad disappointment lasted for days or even weeks, but, eventually I tried  something new and covered it up again.  I kept telling myself I was not sad, I was not disappointed, I was not discouraged.  But, the truth is, I WAS sad, I WAS disappointed, I WAS discouraged and all I did was bury those feelings.

The last 15 months have been so difficult - emotionally and physically.  Illness and pain have plagued me and I cannot help but wonder if that rotten, sad disappointment is the root cause of my maladies.  Perhaps, I am poisoning myself.  Maybe not.  I don't know.  Just like I don't know how to manifest Mount Dora, I don't know how to get well, how to feel better.

This is what I do know.  I would rather feel nothing every night than feel sad disappointment.

I appreciate each of you who have been following my blog.  Your comments and encouragements have helped me to keep trying.  The number of people who read my posts shocked and pleased me.  I don't want to discourage any of you from your own manifestations.  I still think the Law of Attraction can work, but, obviously, I either don't know how to make it work or I am giving up too soon or, maybe, I don't belong in Mount Dora despite my strong feelings otherwise.  This was an experiment and as any researcher will tell you, not every experiment yields the results you desire.

I need to go through my day expecting what can realistically happen within the confines of my daily activities. I need to end my day without sad disappointment.  I need to feel better.  That's it.  I found the source of the odor and I am removing it.  

RIP

June 28, 2013

Today Manifesting Mount Dora died from lack of reality,  an always terminal condition.  It lived a short but sadly hopeful life.  May it rest in peace.

Fractured

I feel fractured.  The website www.freedictionary.com defines fractured as "The condition of having been broken or ruptured."  Yes, that is how I feel.  

Last month I thought the feeling was caused by the full moon phase of my astrological year.  In other words, the period ruled by the astrological sign that is the exact opposite of mine.  As a Scorpio, the Taurus period of April 20th through May 20th is my opposite sign, a time that can be challenging, resulting in upheaval, change, discord, and dissatisfaction.  Even before knowing anything about astrology, I noticed that the April/May time of year was often hard for me.  Astrology helped me to understand why.  When this feeling of being fractured began in late April, I blamed the sign of Taurus and just waited patiently to enter the time of Gemini.  But, Gemini has passed and I am feeling the same.  

Back problems have plagued me for more than two months.  Stabbing pain results from routine movements.  Multiple chiropractor and massage therapist appointments have helped, but the pain, though less, persists.  Even turning over in my sleep can cause an excruciating pain that wakes me up gasping to breathe.  I can no longer scratch my back, stretch deeply or practice many yoga poses.  Even getting dressed or simply reaching to turn off a light can be painful.  

Moodiness and intolerance abound all around me.  I feel as though I am walking through a field of land mines.  Emotional tension and physical pain leave me exhausted, confused and sad.  After a rough winter, I was feeling better for a few weeks, but now I am in this stressful situation with no understanding of why.  Even meditation has left me with a profound and deep sadness.  Although my man and I have plans to be in Mount Dora for several days later this summer, I feel completely disconnected from my favorite town.  I used to have very real visualizations of Mount Dora that included sounds, feelings and smells.  Now when I conjure up an image of Mount Dora, it appears flat and lifeless like a photograph.  

Even writing this feels strained.  I thought about shutting down my Manifesting Mount Dora project, but I am holding on a little longer.  I started this post a few days ago and am feeling a little better now.  The Supreme Court decision on DOMA helped me feel as if some progress is being made - perhaps not in my personal life, but for Americans as a whole - although other Supreme Court decisions this session have been frustrating and backward-moving.  The United States Congress and the State of Florida  seem to be either not moving at all or consistently moving in reverse.  As a people, Americans fight for justice and human rights and then we discover our own government is acting contrary to our deepest beliefs.  So much feels fractured.  

I also feel restless, like I am supposed to be doing something other than what I am doing and I don't know what that is.  I search for signs and hints, but either there are none or I am failing to recognize them.  So, I just go through each day doing what I always do and being grateful for my family, for the smiles and hugs and love from my grandchildren, for quiet time with my man, for my pets and my friends, for my home and neighborhood, for the  work that keeps me busy and pays the bills, and for music and books.   

Get Closer

My man and I recently had a week's vacation, which included the Memorial Day Holiday, in New Jersey and New York City.  We normally take this trip only in the fall, but decided to make an additional springtime trip this year.  As usual, we stayed with his loving mother in New Jersey and took the train each day (that weather would allow and we did have some nasty weather while we were there) into Manhattan.  In spite of weather challenges, we had a good time and a wonderful visit with his 92-year-old mother.  As we were leaving on the train from Newark Penn Station, he called his mother to let her know we were on our way and she said, in Spanish, "Always remember to get closer".

I know her advice was targeted to us as a couple, and it was good advice.  Most relationships, be they romantic or family or friendships or business contacts, grow cold when we fail to make the effort to be close and to get closer.  We become complacent; we get busy; we lose focus.  We think we won't change; he or she won't change; life will continue to chug along.  And it does.  Chug along like an old train.  But, without attention and maintenance, those relationships slow down just like an old train.  Then, one day, the train just stops running.  Admittedly, in the great stories of our lives, not all relationships are supposed to continue.  Some last for a season or only for some reason.  We need to know when to shake the dust off our shoes and move forward.  And, we need to know when to buckle down and do the work it takes to revive a sick relationship that begs for new life.  Knowing when to let go and when to hold on is tough.  Sometimes we hold on too long, as I believe I did in my marriage, and sometimes we let go too soon.  Perhaps the choice depends on what, if anything, we are still gaining from a relationship and what we think we may lose should it end.  Will life be better with or without it?  Are we happier now, with it, or will we be happier in the future, without it?  Do we feel restrained, unsupported, unappreciated?  Is there still an avenue of communication open?  How much work are we willing to put into the revival process?  Sometimes, I believe we are just tired and think starting over would be more exciting and maybe even easier.  And, that is often true.  So much to consider and to weigh.  Never an easy decision.  So, her advice to get closer has to be a reminder that relationships are a work-in-progress and the work needs to be done little by little, every day, or the task becomes too great, the work too hard, and we are run from the effort needed.

Even though I am sure her advice was aimed at us as a couple, I have thought about it in other ways, too.  Today, I applied the "get closer" to spiritual awakening.  I thought of how our lives should be aimed at getting closer to our spirit, or our soul, or God, or whatever you choose to call that which is larger than ourselves.  Some of us were raised with a strong spiritual or religious background and we chose to continue on the path that our parents started for us.  Others of us chose to leave that path and allowed life to take us in other directions.  Some may, as I did, leave the spiritual path entirely for a period.  And, some may never return to it.  Others find their way back to spirituality in one form or another, often in a form much different than the one learned in childhood.

I was raised Catholic, became agnostic for several years, and then, due to the influence of my husband, ended up in the Southern Baptist faith for a few years.  Many beliefs in that religion did not resonate with me and some just plain upset me.  I liked our church family, however, and stayed there much longer than my belief held out.  Eventually, the differences between what the church said was true and what my heart said was true, led to my leaving the Southern Baptist faith.  I felt like I had been released from a snare.

At first, after leaving the Baptist faith, I veered away from religion or spirituality in any form, much the same way I did after leaving the Catholic faith.  But, after I left my old life and started my new life, I encountered people who were on spiritual journeys that were unlike any I had known.  Their spiritual lives were rich and full, but did not involve churches or organized religion.  They did not own any particular "faith".  They chose to read and study and pick and choose what suited them.  They refused to be labeled or to be pushed into joining or belonging.  Some did find groups or even churches that resonated with them and their diverse beliefs and others continue to "get closer" on their own.

In other blogs, I have written about what I have read and studied and learned.  I believe in Universal Energy and reincarnation and goodness.  To choose an organized faith, I probably lean more toward Buddhism, although I am not a Buddhist.  I am always searching and always learning.  Now, my Sunday mornings are not spent in a church but are spent watching Oprah's Super Soul Sunday.  The diversity of her guests and their beliefs and their teachings keeps me interested.  I learn something new every Sunday.  I feel better about myself and about life after I watch Super Soul Sunday.  It is not church, but I don't want church.  It is a spiritual journey and that is what I value and need in my life right now.

My daughter and her husband are Catholics and are raising their children as Catholics.  Having been raised a Catholic, I am actually quite comfortable with that because I know and understand the faith, even if I do not choose to be part of it.  My daughter and grandchildren live with me and I respect their religious choice and I  ask them to honor "my Super Soul Sunday time".  My son-in-law, who is going to college in another city, is less accepting of other beliefs.  He was visiting on a Sunday while I was watching Super Soul Sunday.  As he and the children were getting ready to leave for Mass, my grandson came in to ask why I never go to church with them.  I explained, as I had before, that I don't believe the same as they do, and that is okay.  I said that I get my spiritual lessons from Super Soul Sunday.  That is when he said, "That show tricks you."  "Tricks me, how?" I asked.  I knew those were not his words or his thoughts.  "It tricks you so you won't go to church", he replied.  I smiled and told him I have spent many years going to churches, I have learned about all kinds of religions and spiritual beliefs and I choose Super Soul Sunday - I am not tricked, or fooled - I make a conscious choice.  I reminded him that people have different beliefs and we need to respect those beliefs because we all have our own spiritual paths that get us closer to God or whatever higher power we accept.  I wanted to tell him, but did not, that perhaps church is tricking his dad from growing spiritually in other ways.  But, if I want to teach tolerance, I must practice it.  I am committed to honoring what my grandchildren are being spiritually taught.  I may not always agree, but they also have their own spiritual path to travel.  I just hope they will learn to honor mine.  We can "get closer" through honoring one another this way.

"Get closer" can mean many things.  It may relate to a relationship, spirituality, a career, education, a dream.  But, to me, the lesson of "get closer" is to put in the work, make the effort, set aside the time, make the commitment no matter what or who it is you are trying to get closer to.  This blog is my way of getting closer to Manifesting Mount Dora.  It keeps me focused, keeps the dream sharp, gives me hope.  Perhaps we should all take time every now and then to consider what or who we want to get closer to.  

Learning By Daring Greatly

While traveling recently, I was reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown.  She talks about those who dare greatly, those who work through feelings of shame.  She calls them Wholehearted,  the people who live their lives with their whole hearts.  I am not one of them.  I am learning from Brene Brown and others how to live in such a fashion, but I am still far from calling myself Wholehearted. 

We all experience shame, but how we handle it determines if we live large, Wholehearted lives or small, sheltered lives.  Mostly, my life has been small and sheltered.  I seek what I think is safety and security, rather than going for the big prize. 

I know people who live Wholeheartedly and, I thought of them as odd.  They took chances - huge chances - with their finances, their relationships, their experiences and that all seemed foolhearted to me.  Why take chances and risk losing what you have, even if what you have is not that much?  That was me alright, holding tight to what little I had, always afraid that it would be taken from me, I would lose it foolishly, or that it would just disappear.

Brene Brown talks about how shame sabotages joy.  Your life is going well and all you can do is imagine disasters that could rip away all that is good.  You have been given a gift of a few years or months or weeks or days of happiness in most, if not all, areas of your life and instead of basking in the joy of the moment, your mind fills with the dreaded what-if's.  What if I or my spouse loses our job?  What if my spouse or my child or I get sick?  What if I am in a car accident?  What if there is another terroist attack?  What if the stock market crashes?  Oh, no, I will lose everything!  I will be destitute, homeless, alone, in pain, sad.  If I allow myself to feel joy now, or even just feel good, I am tempting fate to shower me with calamities.

Why do some of us think like that?  We are carrying shame around with us, probably since childhood, and with shame comes the "not enough" feelings.  I am not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough.  Because I am not enough, I don't deserve much. Perhaps I have received more good than I deserve and soon it will be payback time.  Whom am I to think I deserve this much happiness, good times, money, love?  There is only so much happiness, good times, money and love in the world and I have surely reached my limit. I thought all these things at one time or another. 

The people I know who live what Brene Brown calls Wholeheartedly, don't think this way, or, at least if they do on occasion think like that, they are able to snap out of it.  They know they deserve joy, happiness, prosperity, success, and love.  They believe that all these are in abundance and the good they receive does not lessen the good that others can have.  And, because they think like this, because they are not living in the shadow of shame, they take chances, they live big, they embrace life. But, that does not always mean they succeed.  No one experiences success 100% of the time. But, when they do fail, they react differently than people in shame, like me, would.

A businessman I know had a successful professional career which gave him financial security and a very comfortable life.  He was happily married, well respected, in good health and enjoying a life that many would envy.  I was shocked when he became a partner in a business venture that seemed risky at best and foolhearted at worst.  To me, his new venture reeked of greediness. Didn't he already have enough?  What more could he want?  Why would he risk what he has for the chance to have more?  My foreboding feelings about the business venture proved to be correct.  The vision he and his partners had was not well developed and the location for their business was a poor choice.  What they thought was enough capital to get their business off the ground came up far short of what was needed to even have the slightest chance of success.  Some of the partners were self-serving and made poor decisions independent of the group.  Soon their venture became a money pit.  After shoveling in more money than they could afford, the partners began to look for ways to dump their business.  Fortunately, a buyer came along and although they were able to recupe some of what they lost, they still came out of the venture with less money than when they started it. 

Had that been me, I would have been consumed with shame.  How could I, a successful business person, make such a terrible business decision?  How could I not see through my less than trustworthy partners?  I failed and I am a failure.  I am embarrassed and ashamed.  What will people think of me?  Will I lose my credibility?  I will never do such a foolhearty thing again. 

Fortunately, the businessman had a healthier opinion of himself than I do of myself.  He saw his failed venture as a lesson.  He learned from his mistakes, shook off the dust of failure and moved forward with even more confidence than before.  He now knew more than he did before his failed partnership, so he was sure his next venture would be successful.  He was not worried about what others thought of him because he knew that they too had tried and failed.  He knew that he was a success even if that particular business venture was not and he knew that he would try again.

With more years and life experiences behind me, I now understand that it was not greediness that motivated him, it was the desire for new adventures and successes.  He liked playing the game.  He liked inventing and creating new businesses.  And, because he was willing and had always been willing to take chances, his failed business was just one blip on a map filled with successes. 

Why has he been able to shake off shame while myself and others have not?  Who knows?  The influence of his parents, the childhood he experienced, his basic personality, his astrological sign, education, good luck?  He did face shame, as we all do, but he knew how to diffuse it. 

Brene Brown teaches that to shake off shame we need to name it and own it.  Accept what happened.  It is what it is.  I cannot go back and change it; all I can do is accept it.  Feel the shame, the pain.  Allow yourself a period of time to experience the feelings, so you can get over them and move past them.  Share your shame with someone you trust.  Tell them your crappy story.  Cry on someone's shoulder, just make sure it is someone who won't allow you to wallow in your shame.  Pick someone who can show empathy and understanding, but who will also encourage you to pick yourself up and dust yourself off.  Telling your story is powerful and freeing.  Figure out what the lesson of your failure is and promise yourself that you won't make the same mistake again and, if you do, oh, well, go through the same process until the lesson is ingrained in you.  Know that your decision was bad, your business or your relationship failed, or that you made a mistake.  You are not bad, you are not a failure, you are not a mistake.  Know that you are good, you are a success, you are worthy. 

That is the difference between the businessman and me.  He never doubted himself, even though he may have doubted his decisions regarding his failed business venture.  And, because he never doubted himself, he was able to walk away from the ruins and build again.  I, on the other hand, would still, ten years later, be beating myself up, regretting what I cannot change and afraid to try again, afraid to live large and dare greatly.

Fortunately, I am no longer the person I was when that knew about that man and his failed business.  I have learned many lessons, some through experience, some through the advice and actions of others, some through reading (Thank you, Brene!).  I am living a little bolder and daring a little more greatly than before, but I can improve.  I am learning that I am more than my mistakes,   I am learning there is enough, more than enough, for that businessman and for you and for me.  I am learning that I have the right to live larger and be more.  I have the right to Manifest Mount Dora.    

It is What You Make of It

We have all heard sayings that life is what you make of it; that we should control our situations and not let them control us. I have a simple example of how one's perception can change the meaning and importance of a situation or an opportunity.

Recently I was working at a client's office and one of the employees started ranting about Facebook.  He said things like, "Facebook is all about ego - me, me, me.  See what I am doing.  See what I think.  I am the most interesting person on earth.  Everything I say is important and must be seen.  I will never be on Facebook.  I am not that impressed with myself and it is a colossal time-waster." 

When I tried to tell him about how I use Facebook, he would not even listen.  He had a preconceived idea about a medium he has never used and he did not want me or anyone else to refute his image of Facebook.  What he refused to see is that Facebook, as with most other things in life, is what you make of it.  Yes, I do use Facebook to post personal communications about my life, but those types of posts are infrequent.  And, I definitely use Facebook to keep up with what my friends and family are doing and to share photos.  But, I also use Facebook for inspiration, for news, for community activities, for political and social activism, for appreciating art and architecture, for travel information and suggestions, to read blogs, and to meet people from all over the world.  

I belong to several Facebook groups and pages that exist only to post inspirational stories and sayings.  One of my favorite things to do first thing in the morning is to go on Facebook and read the first inspirational messages of the day.  What a great way to start the morning!

I also belong to several political pages and groups and I use their posts to keep up with what is happening in politics around the country and in the world.  Likewise, I belong to Facebook groups that involve political and social activism and I use them to also keep up with news and to become involved in activities, to sign petitions and to share my thoughts on various subjects.  

Some of my Facebook contacts are local business and organizations and businesses and organizations in my favorite town, Mount Dora and in my favorite city, Manhattan.  The news they post about activities, sales, drives and other happenings help me stay up-to-date with my community and with my two favorite places to visit and help me to plan activities with my family.  

I belong to some pages that just share beautiful things like art and architecture.  In fact, I just re-posted a picture of a Van Gogh painting this morning so all my contacts could share in the beauty of his painted sunflowers. I am connected with some travel pages and love seeing the photos of places all over the world and reading the travel blogs and comments.  

But, without a doubt, one of my favorite things about Facebook is that I can make friends with people all over the world.  I may never meet them in person, but I treasure our online friendships just the same.  Through Facebook, I have made friends with people in Canada, Saudi Arabia, France, Egypt, Australia, Great Britain, Italy, Malaysia, and other countries, as well as people in other states here in the U.S.  I have learned so much about other cultures and beliefs.  I have followed political upheavals in Egypt and Syria, offering support as best I can through social media.  My world is much larger and more colorful because of Facebook.  

Facebook is just an example of making something what you want it to be.  Your Facebook can be all about you or it can be more, much more.  The guy who was ranting about Facebook did not even want to try and think about it in a different way.  He had this idea of what it was and he did not want me or anyone else to prove him wrong.  Unfortunately, that means he misses out on the big world called Facebook.  

A friend that I met on Facebook recently sent me a message about her life.  Due to employment and financial situations, she and her immediate family moved from her home country to another one in her region of the world.  Life in her new location is much different and she has struggled with great unhappiness about the change.  In her previous home, her life revolved more around her family, extended and immediate, and her friends.  Having left many of them behind, she had to find a new focus.  It took awhile, but I was so glad to hear that she has found fulfillment and happiness in her work, has discovered and nurtured new passions and is exploring returning to school for an additional degree.  In spite of the hardships and sadness she faced in her new environment, she has found a way to make something good and worthwhile out of it.  She may never feel the same about her new country as she did her homeland, but she is adapting in a way that will allow her to find a level of contentment and fulfillment.  I enjoy following her experiences and have learned much about the cultures of both places through what she shares with me.  She is not only an example of "it is what you make of it", but also an example of what Facebook can be.  

I have softened my approach to Manifesting the Mount Dora for the same "it is what you make of it" reason.  I love my life, but I am hoping to create a different life.  I was focusing too much on what I want to create and not enough on what is right here before me.  Because I was looking ahead, I was getting frustrated with what had not changed and not appreciating all that is good about what has not changed.  I also am working on accepting that my Manifesting Mount Dora project is a work in progress and I have to appreciate the process.  Manifesting Mount Dora, the project and the end result, are what I make of them.   

Vulnerability Among Friends

I am still on the subject of vulnerability and still praising the work of Brené Brown.  If you missed my recommendations of her books in previous blogs, I will list them again:

Daring Greatly
The Gifts of Imperfection
The Power of Vulnerability

Vulnerability is when we choose to go outside our comfort zone; when we risk failure and ridicule to dare to do something different, to be someone different, to stretch and grow.  Vulnerability is uncomfortable for the one practicing it and often for those observing it.  When we are vulnerable, we bare our souls and open our hearts, and that can be scary, can make us feel nervous and ill-at-ease, but it can also be exhilarating, freeing and life-changing.   When we watch someone else being vulnerable, we squirm, feel awkward, are at a loss for words, or if we do speak, usually say the wrong thing - not something supportive and loving, but words that criticize, judge, ridicule and hurt.

When I chose to leave my husband and create a new life, I was being vulnerable.  When I began a new relationship, I was being vulnerable.  After a long married life of predictability and fear of the unknown, I chose to be vulnerable enough to dare to choose a new life.  I thought my "friends" would be supportive and happy for me.  Some did and those are still my friends today.  Others did not and, eventually, I no longer considered them friends.  Some of them were never really my friends to begin with, as they later proved,  and some were just not ready to accept the changes I was making.

My vulnerability raised issues for them.  Some wanted to make similar changes, but were afraid.  Watching me change, brought their fears to the surface.  Others resented what I was doing - either because they wanted to do the same and could not or would not, or their ideas of what is good and bad behavior raised judgments that what I was doing was wrong.  Some may have just feared change of any kind - even in someone else's life.  Either way, I made them uncomfortable and they did not know what to do with that feeling of unease so they lashed out at me with criticism, judgement and even ridicule.  And, honestly, in the past, I often behaved the same with others who made me uncomfortable with their vulnerability.

Sometimes looking at someone else is like looking in a mirror.  I am miserable and when I look at you I see someone who is miserable and we form a friendship based on our mutual unhappiness.  But, as soon as one of us dares to be vulnerable and go looking for happiness, the other feels betrayed.  The one left behind, let's call her Eva,  may not say these words, but she is thinking them, at some deep level, "How dare you go looking for happiness and leave me behind!"  What follows is fear.  Eva fears that I will find happiness and she never will.  Eva fears that our friendship will never be the same.  Eva fears that I will find happiness, then fall flat on may face, thereby confirming that her fear of happiness is justified - it never lasts and it leads to pain.

At first Eva's fear leads to her expression of all the dire consequences that could arise from my actions.  In the case of my marital separation, I heard, "You are too old to start over", "You will face all kinds of financial problems", "You will miss your home", "You were closer to your husband's family than your own and you will lose them", "You are moving too quickly", "Your problems with just follow you", "You will alienate your friends and family", "You are letting your heart rule your mind", "You will have to start all over", "You are not thinking things through", "You are being silly (stupid, immature)".

Once Eva runs out of warnings and predictions of failure, she resorts to criticism and judgement, as did my friends.  "Marriage is forever", "If you failed at this marriage, you will fail at other relationships", "You should not be in a new relationship if you are not divorced yet", "You are being selfish", "This is wrong", "You are wrong".

And, if Eva fails to change my course using criticism, she then recruits the help of others by gossiping.  Surely, if she tells everyone we know what I have shared with her, and what I may not be ready to share with others, they will agree with her that I am on a dangerous course and jump on her bandwagon to pull me back into the "real world".  That is exactly what happened, especially with my very own "Eva" who was quick to tell everyone where I had gone wrong.  Some she told did join in her chorus of criticism, some were uninterested, and others were insulted by Eva including them in her gossip circle and openly came to me with words of support and encouragement.

When my course of action did not change, even after Eva's gossiping, she resorted to treating me with rudeness, especially around our mutual friends, and then to exclusion - purposefully, leaving me out of activities, lunches, dinners, movies and other group activities.  

I was slow to react.  So much was changing in my life, so fast, that the resulting vulnerability was scaring me a little.  I felt like I needed the comfort of old relationships.  But, soon there was no comfort in those relationships.  The day I realized I was no longer gaining anything from those friendships and, in fact, was being mistreated, I made the choice to move on and leave those relationships in the friendship cemetery.  Doing so was not easy, but it was the right and healthy thing for me to do.

Now, years later, my Eva has made some of the same choices I did.  She opened herself up to her own vulnerability as she made brave and important changes in her life.  We still are not friends and never will be because there is too much distrust from the past, but we are friendlier than we have been in a very long time.

My closest friends now are those that saw and accepted my vulnerability;  who allowed me to change and showered me with support.  But, as time has past, I have forgiven those who were not there for me - those who attacked my vulnerability.  I know that they were uncomfortable and afraid and fear destroys relationships.