Chaos and Dancing Stars

Fact about me: in the gray cold of winter, I cannot recall the golden warmth of summer.  I am one of those people who is mired in my current condition, feeling as though it were always so.

Well, at least that is true when it comes to negative conditions.  I was always cold, always sad, always sick, always broke, always lonely, always tired.  If I am thirsty, the glass is always half empty.  No doubt, this is caused by a depressive-type personality.  I believe I was born with some kind of gene that makes me lean to the dark side.  My natural mom, who died when I was two months old, experienced, or so I gleaned from the stories I was told, anxiety and depression to the point of seeking professional treatment.  Since she died when I was so young, my own experiences with depression were not learned from her and I never knew others in my childhood world who were plagued with similar emotional disorders, so I am left to assume there is a genetic reason for my easy fall into hopelessness.  With the exception of the last few years of my marriage, these downward spirals rarely last long, and have never hampered my ability to work and deal with everyday life.  I just get blue.  And that is where I have been since mid-November.  After several sad and worrisome occurrences, I became stuck in a deep, dark funk.

In my last few posts I documented some of the happenings in my life that swept me from the hopeful world I was inhabiting.  I limped through the holidays feeling sad, tired and overwhelmed.  I greeted January, my busiest work time of the year, with no energy and worked long hours with no enthusiasm.  By mid-month, I succumbed to a bad cold.  Severe congestion and uncontrollable coughing zapped what was left of my strength and interrupted my sleep.  Not being able to take time off to rest and get well, I kept moving forward through days that seemed to last weeks.

While I was struggling with my declining health, my 14 year-old dog Winnie came down with upper respiratory and sinus infections, resulting in a constant bloody nasal discharge.  My big, affectionate protector was unbearably weak, looking at me with sad eyes that begged for relief.  A massive antibiotic treatment failed to help her and she steadily worsened during one very long night, leaving my vet to believe her infections were caused by cancerous conditions.  With no hope for my gentle giant to get better especially considering her age, my man and I made the sad, but compassionate, decision to end her suffering.  Unable to stop my flow of tears, I took the day off work and buried my dear old friend.  Hours spent crying just worsened my condition and my cold degraded to the bronchitis from which I am still trying to recover.

January was a bad month.  And, yet, in spite of the work, the illness, the loss of my dog, I ended the month feeling a little more hopeful than how I started the new year.  I cannot explain why.  Perhaps, it is the ever returning encouragement of spring.  An unusually warm January brought about an explosion of flowers, leaves and green grass fooling us into believing that winter had passed.  But even now, when the unseasonable heat has given way to more typical winter temperatures, when I am back to covering my more delicate plants and wrapping the outside faucets to protect them from freezing, I still feel like the world and I have recovered from the dark sadness of winter.

It is now as I lift my head above the clouds of despair that I can honestly see my tendency to give up when I am feeling tired and overwhelmed.  I went through some rough, sad times last year and, overall, I believe I did well.  But, when I become physically tired to the point that I can no longer find a way to rest, I lose my resolve to stay positive and upbeat.  The answer is, obviously, to not get so rundown that I cannot get up again.  Easier written than done.

Life can be so demanding.  Work needs to be done, people need to be cared for, problems need to solved, accidents happen, people and pets die, things stop working, illness attacks.  All this stuff happens on no one’s schedule.  We try and try, but we cannot schedule life.  There are days without enough hours.  There are nights without sleep.  And, those are the times that sink me.  I know this, but can I prevent being capsized by the unexpected?  I think all the junk of life has a cumulative effect, like a boat with a small leak.  Just a little water onboard, then a little more, after awhile the water is ankle deep, then knee deep and then, too late, the ship is going down.

I thought age would make me stronger, but it hasn’t.  Perhaps a little wiser, but definitely not stronger.  I may be better at distinguishing the little annoyances from the bigger problems, but I don’t know that I am any better at solving the dilemmas that sucker punch me in the gut.

I’ve noticed that when life gets difficult and I get tired, confusion sets in.  My house gets out of order, nothing can be found on my desk, my purse is a black hole, my car looks like a homeless camp.  Everything gets out-of-hand.  There is not enough time or energy to do anything about the chaos, so the confusion worsens.  Places that should be my refuge fill me with guilt.  I am there now.  I have been working a great deal, much has been happening, I have been physically ill and weary, and my life feels like a jigsaw puzzle with most of the pieces missing.  What time I have is spent keeping my clients organized while my own life feels misplaced, disorganized and bewildering.  And it is in the state of confusion that I came upon this quote which gave me hope:

One must have chaos in oneself in order to give birth to a dancing star:   Friedrich Nietzsche

Should that be true, there is great hope for me and on that I am relying until something better comes along.

The Days Ahead

The holidays have come and gone.  I am relieved in some ways.  The holidays forced a cheerfulness that was not heartfelt for me.  I grew tired of trying to be "on" when I really wanted to be "off".  Hiding was a temptation that I had to resist.

After Christmas Day, my man and I spent three days in Mount Dora.  Usually I am excited with anticipation before one of our trips there, but this one felt more like an obligation.  Even the short drive there seemed long and tiring.  At first, being in our favorite town made me feel mostly sad - sad that we are no closer to living there, sad that life seems to be conspiring against my desire to be there.  But, as always, Mount Dora worked its charm on me and the sadness melted to a gentle pleasure.  I was able to rest between our many walks and a feeling of renewal began to grow.  We reconnected with friends there, shopped a little, ate some fabulous food and met new people.  There is a house not far from where we stay that has fascinated me for some time now.  It is not a particularly pretty house, although it has its charms, and it is not what one would call outstanding in any way, but it "spoke to me" and I don't know why.  When I first noticed the house it appeared to uninhabited although I could see furniture through the glass entry door.  There were no signs indicating anyone had been actively living there in a while and yet the house was kept up.  I wondered if the owners are what we Floridians call "snow birds" - people who live up north in the summer and then come to Florida for the winter.  On one visit to Mount Dora, I saw an older, ratty car in the drive that did not have the appearance of a vehicle that would belong to someone owning the home.  Last year I began seeing a newer and nicer automobile in the drive, but still saw no actual people and nothing had changed in the house's appearance.  As usual, we took our little dog with us on our end-of-the-year trip to Mount Dora, but one morning just the two of us were walking back to our cottage after breakfasting at Cody's on 4th when we encountered an older gentleman walking with a graying beagle.  The beagle greeted us excitedly and while we took turns petting him, we chatted with his owner.  Turns out the beagle was a rescue dog that came to live with the man just two weeks earlier.  We expressed regret that our dog was back at the cottage because we were sure the two canines of similar size would have quickly become friends.  Later that day, my man and I were walking with our dog and walked past "my" house and there at the glass doorway, barking vigorously, was the same beagle we'd met earlier!  Soon his owner appeared, waved to us, leashed his dog and came to greet us.  The meeting of the two dogs did not go as we had thought.  The beagle aggressively declared his ownership of his new home and new companion and our peaceful dog, who I believe is the Dalai Lama of dogs, was terribly hurt emotionally, not physically.  I am sure that had they met on the streets the result would have been much more cordial, but our new canine friend felt the understandable need to protect his territory.  I shared my fascination with his home to the man and he was kind enough and friendly enough to tell me the history of his home, which was built in the latter 1800's, and his own personal story of ownership and even gave me a tour of his abode.  With the exception of the dog confrontation, the unexpected afternoon meeting was a pure joy.

After the chance meeting of the mystery home's owner, I started thinking about how we never really know what unexpected occurrence may change the course of a day.  I went to Mount Dora never expecting to meet the owner of the house of my fascination, much less expecting to be granted a tour of the home.  When strolling back from breakfast that morning we never expected that the man we met walking with the beagle was the owner of the house or that we would encounter them later the same day, giving me the opportunity to tour his home and find out more about it.  Having experienced something so unexpected, I began wondering if my manifestation of Mount Dora might also emerge from some unforeseen meeting or happening.  For a few days I felt a sense of hope.

The hope did not last long.  I returned home to all the responsibilities, problems and long hours of work that eat up the hours of my days during this busy time of year.  Very quickly my pleasant memories of Mount Dora melted like a snowflake in Florida and I again felt tired and sad.  But, in the midst of my resignation little bits of hope keep showing up.  None of them was  profound enough to completely give me back my hopeful enthusiasm, but collectively they are pushing me into a better emotional place.

Two were these quotes that I received in my daily emails from Gratefulness.org:

WORD FOR THE DAY Monday, Dec. 17 Most of us look at our ideals, say how far we are from them, and get depressed. But it is heroic simply to say, "Here are my ideals," state them before the world, and then spend your life trying to live up to them. Keshavan Nair New Dimensions Radio interview

WORD FOR THE DAY Sunday, Jan. 13 Your success and happiness lie in you....Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties. Helen Keller

The hours I have spent with my friend who was in the automobile accident have also shown me that we can heal, physically and emotionally, and, I hope, spiritually, if we just give ourselves some time.

I recently came across an animal card reading that Shenna Benarte did for me in the fall.  Much of what I am experiencing now was foretold during that reading.  She warned me of working too hard (not much I can do about that), that many emotional issues would surface and need attention (oh, yeah), that I need to journal more (I have been journaling less), that I would be consumed with worrying and wondering and that my reaction should be to stand back and shore up my strength (I have been more weak than strong), that the months ahead would be filled with running around and going crazy (so true), that the drama I would be experiencing was a mirror to what was happening internally and that I need to slow down and breathe consciously whenever I am feeling overwhelmed (that is exactly when I forget to slow down and breathe), that I need to work spiritually on my emotional issues (have been very disconnected spiritually), that I need to be more open and less literal in my translation of what is happening to and around me, and, the most important part of the reading, was the raven "magic" card that I drew which means I can create whatever I want.  That is the part of need to remember.  I was amazed when I came across my notes of that reading.  It happened not long ago, but I had forgotten about all the warnings and encouragement of the cards. Now I feel more accepting that the rough times I am experiencing are a process.  I don't LIKE the process, but it is inevitable and, I hope, will push me closer to where I want to be.    

So here I am.  Still tired, often overwhelmed, sometimes sad, occasionally defeated, but I am seeing little bits of light in what often seems like a deep darkness.  I am sometimes depressed, but I am not in a depression.  My life is good overall and my days, although often long and irritating, are also filled with smiles, laughter, love, music and sunshine. Just the fact that I am writing this post is progress!  The long month of January is not even half gone and I know that I will continue to feel bombarded until I am able to slow down a little, but the days ahead do not seem as dark as they did yesterday.

7/03/12 Living On Standby

I am watching “America’s Got Talent” - not by choice, but because I was resting in the living room while someone else was watching it.  Talent reality shows are a little bit of fun during the first couple of weeks of auditions just because there are some crazily bad performances and a very few amazingly good performances.  After those first few weeks I lose interest because I don’t agree with the decisions of the judges or of “America” and because I usually have something I would rather do.  But, tonight I was struck by the judges decision to review previous performances and then allow some to go through to the next stage of performances, eliminate some entirely and hold others as “standbys”.  The standbys will compete for the “open” positions to move forward in the competition.

Sometimes I feel like I am on standby just like those talent show reality performers.  I am ready to move forward, but for some reason I am being held as a standby.  I am waiting to perform so I can move forward to the next level of competition.  In life, however, I cannot blame the judges.  I am in standby position because I chose not to do what I need to do to move forward with my manifestation and my life. 

I sit here in July, three months and ten days, since I began this Manifesting Mount Dora project.  I am blogging, visualizing, adding to my vison board closet door, keeping a gratitude journal, reading inspiring books, saying affirmations, and visiting Mount Dora and I just don’t feel a sense of movement.  Yes, I know three months and ten days is really not that long, but I want a feeling of forward motion.  So, what can I do to break this feeling of being stuck in the doldrums of summer?

One of the basics of the Law of Attraction is that you have to make room for the new.  Even if the desire of your manifestation has nothing to do with material items, you need to clean out and clear out your life - figuratively and physically.  I look back to the summer of 2004, right before the ending of my “previous life” and the beginning of my present life, and I realize I did a lot of cleaning out, even without realizing what I was doing and how it would affect my future.  Instinctively I knew I needed change, I needed different - anything different.  I was renovating the house I would not live in much longer; I faced the horrible side affects of the depression medication I was on and made a choice to ease off of it (Please know that I am not recommending that anyone stop taking their medications! I eased myself off my medication with the help of a doctor.); I faced many, many problems that were uncontrolled and took steps to figure out how to take charge of and solve them.

So, what can I do now to increase my forward motion?

There are certain unfinished jobs - personal and professional - that I have been avoiding for various reasons and I know now that I must set aside my procrastination and take care of those tasks as soon as possible.  My house is filled to overflowing - partially due to so many people living here and partially due to my reluctance to go through and eliminate what I no longer need or use.  I may not be able to do much about  the overflow due to our large household, but I can do something about my own belongings.

Over the past weekend I made modest progress with my home office space and I tackled and accomplished a work-related task that I have been refusing to face.  Tomorrow is a holiday - the 4th of July - and I plan to use that time to engross myself in another work-related issue that has been hanging over my head for a long while.  Over the upcoming weekend I will clean out my books - and, believe me, I have LOTS of books - and all those little odds and ends of knick-knacks that fill my shelves and tables.  Having some of those trinkets honors memories, but too many are over-kill and I have reached the over-kill stage.  Simplifying is difficult, but necessary, to show the Universe that you are willing and ready to make room for the future.   

I also feel a need to move forward with my writing.  This blog takes more time than I anticipated, but it also excites and fulfills me.  I know I need to be doing more writing and am looking for inspiration and found a little kick-in-the-pants from the book “Bird by Bird - Some Instructions on Writing and Life” by Anne Lamott, one of my favorite writers.  There has to be more time for writing and only I can find those extra moments in each day. 

I have a couple of major personal tasks that are waiting for attention and I am resolved to give my to accomplish those before the end of July.  In fact, the end of July is my goal to have at least 75% of my clearing and cleaning done.
 
This is how I plan to make room for forward motion - to tell the Universe that I am in gear and ready to go.

4/21/12 An Amazing Day

Friday I had lunch with a dear friend who has seen me through the ups and downs of many situations through many years.  I shared with her some of the challenges and stresses in my life right now and she was surprised at how well I was responding - how I was not trying to fix everything and everyone as she has seen me attempt to do in the past.  I knew that my recent reactions have been out-of-character for me - in a very good way - but having someone else confirm my own observation was encouraging. 

Today I attended the Spiritual Connections Faire held at the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship here in my town.  These gatherings of psychic, card readers, intuitives, channelers, healers and vendors happen about three times a year and I have been attending for at least five years.  My yoga teacher, Shenna Benarte, is also a Medicine Card reader so I have a tradition of going to her for a reading at these fairs.  We have both chuckled over the fact that I see her nearly every week and could have a reading any time I want, and sometimes I do, but I like to continue the tradition of my readings with her at this particular fair.  If I feel inclined, I may also have a session with another reader, psychic or intuitive, but today I only visited her.  The reading revolved around many of the stressors in my life right now and the consistent advice was to back off and let everything unfold without my direct interference or control.  I should be in a loving space of support, but should not try to “fix” anything or anyone - exactly what I have been practicing for the first time in my life.  The reading confirmed that those around me have lessons to learn and the events, often negative in nature, that are occurring are obstacles for them to overcome on their paths to self-enlightenment and I just need to be a compassionate observer.  The cards also confirmed that Mount Dora is on my path and I was very uplifted by that.  To me, readings are the same as counseling - the cards help to guide and counsel without predicting the future.  Yes, the cards said Mount Dora is on my path, but I guarantee that should I waver from my path, I will never manifest a home in my favorite little town no matter what the cards said.  The confirmation that my focus is on target is comforting, though.

I also had a Reiki session with Dee Mitchell, a Reiki master, healer and teacher.  Dee is a powerful woman and she and my man have a strong bond.  When he experienced some health challenges five years ago, her Reiki greatly elevated his healing process and although he was not a believer in Reiki when he had his first session with her, he certainly is now and never misses the opportunity to experience her healing Reiki power.  I have Reiki when I feel inspired to do so and today I did.  I rose from her table feeling refreshed, energized and amazingly peaceful.  Dee even commented that my energy was very strong and positive today. 

My next session at the fair was with Gail ‘n’ Ron, a couple who used to attend the Prosperous Living meetings that I co-created and co-hosted.  They worked together using light touch, deep breathing, kinesthetic movements and affirmations to put my body in a state of relaxation deeper than I’ve ever known before.  The experience was unusual, in a good way, slightly unsettling but also very grounding and inspiring and amazingly profound.  Gail said that my crown chakra was wide open and flowing with energy.  In the past, when participating in other energy healing practices, I was always told that my crown chakra was closed or partially closed.  In case you are not aware of chakras, the first teachings of these wheel-like energy centers of the body came from Hindu texts and are also prominent in Buddhist practices.  Traditionally, there are seven major chakras, or energy centers, in the body and each one regulates certain bodily, emotional and spiritual functions, each is associated with a particular gland and with a combination of emotions.  When a chakra is blocked or closed, the functions associated with it are also closed off, resulting in physical, psychological and/or spiritual imbalances which may develop into illnesses, diseases and physical pain and discomfort as well as personal crises.  Chakras that are out of balance or blocked can be opened up using color therapies (each chakra is associated with a particular color that stimulates it), meditation, sound therapies, yoga, EFT, guided visualization, aromatherapy, affirmations, positive thinking - in other words, by practicing what also activates the Law of Attraction!  The crown chakra, my problem spot, is located at the top of your head and is associated with your brain, pineal gland and nervous systems, as well as the emotional states of peace, self-awareness, clarity and divine acceptance.  A closed crown chakra can result in depression, fear, hopelessness, confusion, apathy and spiritual weaknesses.  The crown chakra is the mother of all chakras and an open, vibrating crown chakra indicates that all the other chakras are in relatively good shape and that the person is on or is discovering his/her spiritual path.  Learning that my crown chakra is open and vibrating with energy confirmed that I am on the right path for me.  I felt energized, inspired and drained.  I know, it seems impossible to feel energized and drained at the same time, but that is exactly how I felt.  My spirit was soaring, but my body was saying it needed to rest and assimilate all the energy work it experienced at the fair.  Although I’d plan to remain at the fair longer, going home and taking a nap seemed like the best action to take. 

I spent the rest of my day allowing my body and spirit to speak to me.  Although I had a long list of tasks to complete this weekend, I chose instead to spend the evening at Wild Iris Books with my man.  I had a healthy, delicious meal at Café Colette in Wild Iris and then spent a couple of hours reading, writing and perusing the books for sale.  The energies in the café and the bookstore are healing and inspirational for me so I go there often to re-charge and to access my creativity.  My to-do list is undone, but the vibration of my crown chakra is off the charts!

Today I followed intuition and spiritual guidance and created a day that was healing and energizing.  We cannot always choose to do exactly what we want to do when we want to do it.  Life is too complicated.  We have many demands on our time, many responsibilities.  But, each of us needs a day like I experienced.  A time to nurture yourself physically, spiritually and emotionally. 

4/17/12 Each Day Is A New Beginning

It is early evening and I am home from work, feeling sluggish and stuck.  My day was fine - work went well, I accomplished all and a little more than I had planned and I encountered no unusual roadblocks or problems.  My health is the same as always.  Today, I experienced nothing particularly bad or depressing or discouraging and yet I feel heavy and slightly annoyed and a little sad and I am not sure why. 

Our feelings do not always make sense.  This “down” feeling I have right now may have nothing to do with my day or my week.  Perhaps it is leftover from a disturbing or sad dream I had last night and cannot recall.  Maybe my body chemistry is off in some way I cannot ascertain.  Perhaps my planets are out of alignment or maybe this is an emotionally challenging time of my astrological year.  Maybe my moodiness is the result of a buildup of issues and concerns and today is the day I feel the weight of them, even without being consciously aware of the load of unresolved matters that I carry every day.

No matter how positive we try to be, we all have “stuff” that we carry around -  unresolved problems, other people’s negativity, concerns about the future.  We manage to stay basically happy by not dwelling on problems we either cannot change or cannot change now and by not absorbing or responding to the negativity of those around us.  And, that works most days.  Today it is not working for me - for whatever reason.  I am not consciously dwelling on any problems, but I feel as though I am weighed down with concerns.  I’ve tried unsuccessfully to lighten up today, so I am deciding to just let go of trying to “fix” my feelings.  I am just going to accept that I feel this way and that it will not last.  Tomorrow is another day.

Remembering that each day is a new beginning is one of the most positive thoughts you can have when today is a disappointment or you just don’t feel up to par.  My responsibilities may be the same tomorrow as they are today, perhaps the problems I have today will carry forward to tomorrow, and tomorrow I will likely deal with all or many of the same people that I deal with every day, but tomorrow I will be different.  My chemistry will be better, my planets will be in alignment, my dreams the night before will have been pleasant.  Tomorrow I will have a new beginning and the day may not seem that much different than today, but I will feel different. 

When I was clinically depressed in the past, the one thing I knew for sure was that tomorrow would not be different, unless it was worse.  I knew that I would not feel different, unless I felt worse.  New beginnings did not exist for me.  Life was just a long series of disappointing, sad and annoying moments strung together.  Now, I know that a down feeling is temporary.  I know a not-so-stellar day is just that - one day.  This day will come to a close and tomorrow I know, without a doubt, I will have a new beginning because each day is just that - a new beginning.  Today I am not at my best for manifesting Mount Dora or anything else, but tomorrow I will be.  Sometimes we have to be gentle and understanding with ourselves.  I accept that I am a little down for unknown reasons and my attempts to feel better did not work.  I will not beat myself up over it.  I will allow myself to just “be” as I am right now.  I will rest and know that tomorrow is a new beginning. 

4-11-12 The Company You Keep

Negativity is contagious.  Surround yourself with negative people - people who find fault, complain, dramatize, whine - and you certainly will find yourself being more like them, unless you learn how to protect yourself from their influence.  It is best if you can simply limit your association with negative people, but that is not always possible.

In my “other life”, when I was unhappy in my marriage, most of my friends were women who were also dissatisfied with their marriages/relationships.  And, our discontentment overflowed to other areas of our lives resulting in displeasure with our co-workers, other friends, neighbors and even children.  Our favorite times together were spent complaining about our partners and just about everyone else in our lives.  Discontentment with one aspect of our lives tends to sour all aspects of our lives.  And, when we are unhappy, we seek the company of others who are also unhappy.  Like attracts like.

When my life changed and I became happier, I found the company of my friends to be uncomfortable.  At first, I could not understand why.  These were my good friends, for heaven’s sakes.  Our relationships were long-term and we shared so much over the years.  I noticed that they were critical of my new relationships and my improved life although I was happier than I had been in many years.  Rather than being happy for me, they were disapproving and, I later discovered, were talking negatively about me behind my back.  Even when the changes in my life were not the topic of conversation, I was uneasy being around their constant complaining and negative comments concerning other people and other situations.  I began seeing how stifling and unproductive those conversations were.  Although we were definitely drifting apart, I was not ready to give up on my “friends”.   Over a year passed before their negative attitudes toward me took their toll and I finally severed the relationships as much as I could.  Because I worked with some of these former friends, total separation was not possible.  When my friendships with those co-workers cooled, I became under attack for minor things concerning our jobs.  I felt like I could not talk about anything in front of any of them without drawing derision.

The breakup with my friends occurred about the time I started learning about the Law of Attraction and it granted me my first chance to put the Law to work.  I chose to disregard them in every way possible except for the work-related conversations that were necessary.  I ignored their conversations completely, not allowing myself to be drawn into or influenced by their negativity or by their offhanded and rude comments about me that were purposely said loud enough for me to overhear.  It was very difficult to close my ears to the words that swirled around me.  I often played music quietly at my desk to drown out their voices.  When someone purposely tried to engage me in a negative and unnecessary conversation or when someone confronted me personally, I did not respond;  I just kept working or left the room.  I printed a copy of the Optimist’s Code and taped it to the side of my printer where I could see it easily and when I struggled to hold my temper and my tongue, I would read it silently to myself, over and over.  Determinedly, I worked to keep positive thoughts in my mind.  Little by little, my efforts to be positive became second nature.  As I participated less and reacted less, the negative comments my former friends aimed at me became fewer and fewer.   After awhile, I did not even hear their conversations anymore.  A workplace that felt hostile for several months became neutral.  Even when I heard or learned about some mean comments made about me, I no longer cared.  I could just smile, shake my head and walk away. 

As these negative people and influences left my life, the emptiness I was feeling for those lost friendships, even if they were not healthy ones, was filled by new friends - positive, encouraging, uplifting friends.  New people came into my life from all directions and I was amazed to have friends that were basically happy people who encouraged happiness in me.  Like attracts like.  Before long, I could look at my former friends and wonder why I was ever friends with them!  Of course, I was a different person when we were friends and they served a need in my life at that time.  I have learned to be thankful for what I learned from them and from our relationships.  We learn from our negative experiences as well as our positive ones and sometimes the negative ones are our best teachers. 

I cannot ignore an even earlier negative influence in my life - my former husband.  When I met him he was suffering from depression - most recently caused by an earlier divorce and loss of contact with his daughter.  However, I believe his depression started much earlier - in his childhood - when he was forced to deal with parental rejection from his father and his step-father.  He was like a sad little boy and my people-pleasing tendencies encouraged me to love him and heal him.  I just knew I could love his problems away.  I could make him happy and help him forget all the bad experiences in his life.  Sounds like a god complex, doesn’t it?  Did I really think I had that much power?  Honestly, I think people-pleasers have less of a god-complex than a responsibility complex.  We feel we are responsible for the well-being of everyone in our lives and because we have so much experience “fixing” other people, we take on more and more challenging cases.  My husband was a very challenging case and for 28 years I tried to make him well, make him happy, make him whole, and it did not work.  I just made myself unhealthy, unhappy and incomplete.  Not only did I wear myself out trying to “fix” him but I absorbed his negativity.  I, who was once nicknamed Pollyanna for my sunny outlook on life, became a terribly pessimistic and hopeless person.  Since I’d already experienced some depression in my youth, my mostly cheery disposition was no contest for his brooding personality, so my positivity was converted to negativity.  Once I was as negative as he was, only an extreme life change could save me and, fortunately, adopting my daughter was extreme enough to do that.

As hard as it is to accept, to save ourselves we sometimes have to leave the ones we may love but who are not good for us - the ones who do not bring light and love into our lives, who immerse us in negativity and criticism; the ones who no not how to be encouraging, uplifting or inspiring.  But what if you cannot leave them?  What if your negative albatross is your parent or a sibling or your child?  What if physical distance is not an option?

If total separation is not possible, limited exposure may be an option.  Search for ways to limit contact with the person.  Find distractions, as I did with music at my desk, that create a barrier between you and the person.  Before being in contact with the person, repeat positive affirmations like “I attract only positive people and experiences into my life”, “My cheerful disposition changes negativity into positivity” and “I control my thoughts and only allow positive, happy ones to enter my mind no matter what influences surround me”; see yourself surrounded in white light and ask for protection from the other person’s negativity; imagine the other person surrounded in white light and ask that any negativity he or she may be holding be dispersed before contact is made; imagine a wall of light between you and the person; imagine yourself in a bubble that gives you protection from all negativity; give thanks for the positive influence you will have on that person and every person with whom you will have contact that day.   At first, these practices are difficult to incorporate into your daily life, but with practice they become easier.  And, as you withstand the negativity of others, allowing your positivity to grow, you will naturally move in a different direction that may allow you to distance yourself further from the negative person or persons and your life will be blessed with new, happy, life-affirming people. 

Trying to manifest anything requires as much positive energy as you can possibly drum up, so limiting  your exposure to negative energy in your world is extremely important.  Even if you have very little control over your daily influences (If you are a law enforcement officer or a soldier, for example, you may constantly be in negative situations that you cannot change), you can make choices to erase the negativity that has clung onto you.  Once you leave your job, for example, listen to soothing, peaceful music - not heavy metal or rap music that has a strong negative undertone; take a warm shower and imagine all the negativity washing down the drain; practice meditation or yoga or tai chi or one of the other calming disciplines; exercise; put all of your attention into something creative that inspires you and pushes away your thoughts of the day; spend time in nature or with children; read positive literature; practice affirmations.  These are just a few of activities that can help neutralize negativity.

I have recently been exposed to some negativity that I hope is only temporary, but, for now, it is imperative that I search for ways to avoid or wash away the negativity if I want to manifest my new home and life in Mount Dora (or anything else, for that matter).  When confronted with negative comments, I choose to ignore them or respond passively whenever possible.  Not allowing myself to take everything personally helps.  We tend to think that someone’s bad mood is directed at us or, maybe, even caused by us.  A sharp tone of voice, a rude comment and we get hurt and annoyed - at least, I know that is my tendency.  I am learning to assume that it is NOT my fault that someone else is surly.  Choose not to accept the responsibility for other people’s moods.  Sometimes when I am exposed to another’s rants or complaints, especially someone who thinks I should agree or at least sympathize with his/her point of view, I just nod and think of something pleasant during the emotional dumping and when it has ended, I say something non-committal like “Wow, that’s too bad” or “Sorry to hear that” or “I know how you feel”.  People just want to let loose, to be heard and it is really not necessary to engage yourself in a conversation over whatever the issue may be.  Usually, a nod, a sympathetic smile and a standard I-understand-you phrase is enough.  I also practice some of the other suggestions I had in the previous paragraph.  It is my hope that this negativity will subside and I only need to tread water until that happens.  We all experience periods of negativity in our lives - whether personally or through others - and usually those times are temporary.  We do need to be sympathetic to the problems of others and treat ourselves kindly when we undergo bad times.  It is the never-ending, never-healing negativity that drags us down, saps our energy and destroys our dreams.