The Days Ahead

The holidays have come and gone.  I am relieved in some ways.  The holidays forced a cheerfulness that was not heartfelt for me.  I grew tired of trying to be "on" when I really wanted to be "off".  Hiding was a temptation that I had to resist.

After Christmas Day, my man and I spent three days in Mount Dora.  Usually I am excited with anticipation before one of our trips there, but this one felt more like an obligation.  Even the short drive there seemed long and tiring.  At first, being in our favorite town made me feel mostly sad - sad that we are no closer to living there, sad that life seems to be conspiring against my desire to be there.  But, as always, Mount Dora worked its charm on me and the sadness melted to a gentle pleasure.  I was able to rest between our many walks and a feeling of renewal began to grow.  We reconnected with friends there, shopped a little, ate some fabulous food and met new people.  There is a house not far from where we stay that has fascinated me for some time now.  It is not a particularly pretty house, although it has its charms, and it is not what one would call outstanding in any way, but it "spoke to me" and I don't know why.  When I first noticed the house it appeared to uninhabited although I could see furniture through the glass entry door.  There were no signs indicating anyone had been actively living there in a while and yet the house was kept up.  I wondered if the owners are what we Floridians call "snow birds" - people who live up north in the summer and then come to Florida for the winter.  On one visit to Mount Dora, I saw an older, ratty car in the drive that did not have the appearance of a vehicle that would belong to someone owning the home.  Last year I began seeing a newer and nicer automobile in the drive, but still saw no actual people and nothing had changed in the house's appearance.  As usual, we took our little dog with us on our end-of-the-year trip to Mount Dora, but one morning just the two of us were walking back to our cottage after breakfasting at Cody's on 4th when we encountered an older gentleman walking with a graying beagle.  The beagle greeted us excitedly and while we took turns petting him, we chatted with his owner.  Turns out the beagle was a rescue dog that came to live with the man just two weeks earlier.  We expressed regret that our dog was back at the cottage because we were sure the two canines of similar size would have quickly become friends.  Later that day, my man and I were walking with our dog and walked past "my" house and there at the glass doorway, barking vigorously, was the same beagle we'd met earlier!  Soon his owner appeared, waved to us, leashed his dog and came to greet us.  The meeting of the two dogs did not go as we had thought.  The beagle aggressively declared his ownership of his new home and new companion and our peaceful dog, who I believe is the Dalai Lama of dogs, was terribly hurt emotionally, not physically.  I am sure that had they met on the streets the result would have been much more cordial, but our new canine friend felt the understandable need to protect his territory.  I shared my fascination with his home to the man and he was kind enough and friendly enough to tell me the history of his home, which was built in the latter 1800's, and his own personal story of ownership and even gave me a tour of his abode.  With the exception of the dog confrontation, the unexpected afternoon meeting was a pure joy.

After the chance meeting of the mystery home's owner, I started thinking about how we never really know what unexpected occurrence may change the course of a day.  I went to Mount Dora never expecting to meet the owner of the house of my fascination, much less expecting to be granted a tour of the home.  When strolling back from breakfast that morning we never expected that the man we met walking with the beagle was the owner of the house or that we would encounter them later the same day, giving me the opportunity to tour his home and find out more about it.  Having experienced something so unexpected, I began wondering if my manifestation of Mount Dora might also emerge from some unforeseen meeting or happening.  For a few days I felt a sense of hope.

The hope did not last long.  I returned home to all the responsibilities, problems and long hours of work that eat up the hours of my days during this busy time of year.  Very quickly my pleasant memories of Mount Dora melted like a snowflake in Florida and I again felt tired and sad.  But, in the midst of my resignation little bits of hope keep showing up.  None of them was  profound enough to completely give me back my hopeful enthusiasm, but collectively they are pushing me into a better emotional place.

Two were these quotes that I received in my daily emails from Gratefulness.org:

WORD FOR THE DAY Monday, Dec. 17 Most of us look at our ideals, say how far we are from them, and get depressed. But it is heroic simply to say, "Here are my ideals," state them before the world, and then spend your life trying to live up to them. Keshavan Nair New Dimensions Radio interview

WORD FOR THE DAY Sunday, Jan. 13 Your success and happiness lie in you....Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties. Helen Keller

The hours I have spent with my friend who was in the automobile accident have also shown me that we can heal, physically and emotionally, and, I hope, spiritually, if we just give ourselves some time.

I recently came across an animal card reading that Shenna Benarte did for me in the fall.  Much of what I am experiencing now was foretold during that reading.  She warned me of working too hard (not much I can do about that), that many emotional issues would surface and need attention (oh, yeah), that I need to journal more (I have been journaling less), that I would be consumed with worrying and wondering and that my reaction should be to stand back and shore up my strength (I have been more weak than strong), that the months ahead would be filled with running around and going crazy (so true), that the drama I would be experiencing was a mirror to what was happening internally and that I need to slow down and breathe consciously whenever I am feeling overwhelmed (that is exactly when I forget to slow down and breathe), that I need to work spiritually on my emotional issues (have been very disconnected spiritually), that I need to be more open and less literal in my translation of what is happening to and around me, and, the most important part of the reading, was the raven "magic" card that I drew which means I can create whatever I want.  That is the part of need to remember.  I was amazed when I came across my notes of that reading.  It happened not long ago, but I had forgotten about all the warnings and encouragement of the cards. Now I feel more accepting that the rough times I am experiencing are a process.  I don't LIKE the process, but it is inevitable and, I hope, will push me closer to where I want to be.    

So here I am.  Still tired, often overwhelmed, sometimes sad, occasionally defeated, but I am seeing little bits of light in what often seems like a deep darkness.  I am sometimes depressed, but I am not in a depression.  My life is good overall and my days, although often long and irritating, are also filled with smiles, laughter, love, music and sunshine. Just the fact that I am writing this post is progress!  The long month of January is not even half gone and I know that I will continue to feel bombarded until I am able to slow down a little, but the days ahead do not seem as dark as they did yesterday.

Sickbed Lessons

I’ve been sick for more than a week.  Doctor called it “a virus mimicking the flu” that had spawned a sinus infection.  Never have antibiotics been a problem for me, but this time the side-effects of those pills the size of a child’s thumb were nearly as bad as the “virus mimicking the flu” and, in some ways, worse.  My congestion, sinus affection and cough are better but my digestive tract is a wreck and I am weak and dizzy.  Against the dire warnings on the pill bottle label, I have ceased taking the antibiotics - I will take my chances - and am hoping my biological system with right itself in a day or two.   

I worked only sporadically last week and am feeling my stress level climb as I think about the backlog of work that needs to be done before our vacation in less than two weeks.  Today, I am trying, slowly, to accomplish at least a couple of tasks in spite of my depleted state.  My goal is to keep my attention on whatever task is at hand and not obsess about what has been left undone.  

Being sidelined this past week with illness has given me many hours to think.  I thought a great deal about how I/we take our health for granted.  Something as relatively small as a virus can turn daily life upside-down.  I miss feeling well.  I miss having energy.  And, that makes me think about those with more serious, longer-lasting and perhaps even life-threatening illnesses and conditions.  I feel great compassion for anyone who deals with feeling badly every day and great admiration for those who move forward in spite of their physical challenges.  My health needs to be noted in my gratitude journal more often so I won’t take it for granted.  

Yes, my work is languishing, but my clients are still in business.  My illness has caused some inconveniences for a few people, but no one complained and everyone’s life has moved forward with no harm.  Usually what I/we think of as a huge problem is more of a hiccup in life.  I’ve had time to appreciate those who adjust to the bumps in each day, picking up the slack when needed, easing the way for someone like me who may not be at the top of her game for a few days.  

I thought about what makes a normal day successful.  It’s not the big things, not the huge accomplishments, not the over-the-top moments.  A successful day is simply waking up feeling well, having water and electricity to make life easier and food to provide nourishment, having transportation to some sort of work that provides income and a feeling of self-worth and accomplishment, having family and friends to love, having moments of joy filled with laughter, and, finally, sinking into a comfortable, warm bed at night.  My days are successful when my daughter and I have a few moments of conversation and sharing, when my grandchildren hug and kiss me, when my man makes me laugh, when my pets look at me with devotion, when my work is honest and well received.  

So, what does this have to do with Manifesting Mount Dora?  A big part of manifesting something new is appreciating the old - being thankful for what you already have, especially the taken-for-granted everyday blessings.  Getting sick slowed me down and helped me appreciate that my “everydays” are amazing.  I am so grateful to have such a life that I can actually have a project like Manifesting Mount Dora!  For so many, their manifesting project would be to create a life with enough food to never feel hungry, steady work to always have enough money to pay the bills, a safe and comfortable place to live, the love and support of family and friends, and the freedom to pursue education, self-fulfillment and personal dreams.  Our paths are different, but we all want to manifest SOMETHING.  And to move forward on any path, we need to look behind us with appreciation and gratitude and to look forward with appreciation and gratitude because that is what life is about - appreciation and gratitude.  

5/19/12 My Week of Self-Care

I have not written in seven days and greatly missed my blog time, but knew I needed to chill and take care of myself.  Some of April and all of May were tumultuous and my body was feeling the strain - sleep was hit-and-miss, my upper back and neck were tight with pain, nearly every part of my body was achy and uncomfortable and exhaustion was my state of being. 

In an effort to feel less stressed, more balanced and rested, I treated myself to a Reiki session with Shenna Benarte Tuesday evening and a massage with Gina Englert Thursday evening.  Gina and I also had a lovely girls’ night out after my massage and dined at Café Colette in the Wild Iris Bookstore, eating wild mushrooms and tropical salads.  We even, unexpectedly, ran into each other the next day and enjoyed lunching together at Tempo Bistro to Go, where my man and I had eaten a delicious meal on Wednesday evening.  This morning, he and I had a scrumptious breakfast at Sisters in the Haile Village and bought many luscious veggies and fruits and a bag of intensely strong coffee at the Haile Farmer’s Market.  My diet is often not the best.  Even though vegetarian, I don’t always make the healthiest food choices and often eat on-the-go or while doing something else.  But, this week I ate several tasty, healthy, mindful meals filled with fresh, local and often organic ingredients and my body feels grateful.

I made some purchases that also helped with my week of self-care.  One was a Tibetan Singing Bowl.  The bowl became my possession through synchronicity.  At the 2011 Gainesville Fall Art Festival, there was a Tibetan Singing Bowl at a booth.  I had wanted one for a long time, but most of my cash was gone and to buy the bowl I needed to go to an ATM, etc.  Feeling tired and not wanting to be bothered at the time, I passed up the opportunity to buy the bowl.  Several times since then, I have regretted not buying it and even thought recently about how helpful the bowl might have been during the past weeks of stress.  This morning, the same woman had a booth at the Haile Farmer’s Market and she again had one Tibetan Singing Bowl.  I did not even notice her or her booth, but my man did.  Once I realized who she was, my eyes searched her booth for a Singing Bowl, but sadly did not find one.  When she recalled who we were and that I was interested in a Singing Bowl at the art festival, she pulled several items out of a bowl on her table.  The bowl had been hidden by the items it held, so I did not notice it was a Tibetan Singing Bowl.  Again, my cash was mostly gone, but this time I made the effort to find an ATM and brought home my lovely Tibetan Singing Bowl.  When I finally get to my mom’s house and bring home the items she bequeathed me, one will be a small, round marble-top table that she knew I always admired.  My Tibetan Singing Bowl will live happily and beautfully in the center of that table.   

Another self-care purchase was a book called “Living Peace” by John Dear, which caught my eye when I was in a large, national bookstore in search of another publication that the local booksellers did not have (the big-box bookstore also did not have it).  I put the book back on the shelf after perusing it because the writing seemed too “religious” to me.  The author is a Jesuit priest and the book relies heavily on biblical references that triggered my old “don’t mention God and the Bible to me” reaction.  Sometimes I forget that I have evolved to the point of accepting and appreciating various spiritual paths and I fall back into patterns of exclusion.  I continued walking around the store, but was drawn back to the book time and again until I finally shook off my old thinking and purchased it.  The book is inspiring, simply and beautifully written and has helped me focus on peace in my life. 

The third self-care purchase was a CD - “Stress Reduction & Creative Meditations” by Marc Allen.  I believe in meditation and I try to practice it, but have limited success.  The most I can accomplish is short, simple meditations.  I have more luck with guided meditations and possess several CDs using various methods of guided meditations.  Some did not work at all for me and some were, at times, partially successful, but none led me to a state of true relaxation.  As the book had, this CD caught my eye.  I was determined to just walk by and not spend more money on another meditation CD that would not help me when I saw the words “With an Introduction by Shakti Gawain”.  Shakti Gawain wrote my favorite book on manifesting, “Creative Visualization”, which I wrote about in my last post.  If she was willing to record an introduction to that meditation CD, I was willing to give it a try.  I often suffer from insomnia - have difficulty getting to sleep or wake up and am unable to return to sleep.  I am not proud to say that I often rely on three (yes, three!) Advil PM tablets to help me get some much-needed rest.  My insomnia comes and goes, but has been relentless during the last few stressful weeks.  I used the CD Wednesday night and was amazed - no, shocked - at how relaxed I became.  Within seconds of the last sound on the recording, I was asleep.  I used it again last night with the same result.  Not only does it help me relax enough to fall asleep, I sleep soundly and wake up early feeling refreshed. 

My week is coming to a close and I can honestly say I feel like a different person than I did seven days ago.  My body feels like my friend, rather than my enemy.  I am relatively and suprisingly relaxed.  I feel optimistic, happy and even peaceful.  I am once again able to visualize, and Manifesting Mount Dora feels not only doable, but imminent.