The Days Ahead

The holidays have come and gone.  I am relieved in some ways.  The holidays forced a cheerfulness that was not heartfelt for me.  I grew tired of trying to be "on" when I really wanted to be "off".  Hiding was a temptation that I had to resist.

After Christmas Day, my man and I spent three days in Mount Dora.  Usually I am excited with anticipation before one of our trips there, but this one felt more like an obligation.  Even the short drive there seemed long and tiring.  At first, being in our favorite town made me feel mostly sad - sad that we are no closer to living there, sad that life seems to be conspiring against my desire to be there.  But, as always, Mount Dora worked its charm on me and the sadness melted to a gentle pleasure.  I was able to rest between our many walks and a feeling of renewal began to grow.  We reconnected with friends there, shopped a little, ate some fabulous food and met new people.  There is a house not far from where we stay that has fascinated me for some time now.  It is not a particularly pretty house, although it has its charms, and it is not what one would call outstanding in any way, but it "spoke to me" and I don't know why.  When I first noticed the house it appeared to uninhabited although I could see furniture through the glass entry door.  There were no signs indicating anyone had been actively living there in a while and yet the house was kept up.  I wondered if the owners are what we Floridians call "snow birds" - people who live up north in the summer and then come to Florida for the winter.  On one visit to Mount Dora, I saw an older, ratty car in the drive that did not have the appearance of a vehicle that would belong to someone owning the home.  Last year I began seeing a newer and nicer automobile in the drive, but still saw no actual people and nothing had changed in the house's appearance.  As usual, we took our little dog with us on our end-of-the-year trip to Mount Dora, but one morning just the two of us were walking back to our cottage after breakfasting at Cody's on 4th when we encountered an older gentleman walking with a graying beagle.  The beagle greeted us excitedly and while we took turns petting him, we chatted with his owner.  Turns out the beagle was a rescue dog that came to live with the man just two weeks earlier.  We expressed regret that our dog was back at the cottage because we were sure the two canines of similar size would have quickly become friends.  Later that day, my man and I were walking with our dog and walked past "my" house and there at the glass doorway, barking vigorously, was the same beagle we'd met earlier!  Soon his owner appeared, waved to us, leashed his dog and came to greet us.  The meeting of the two dogs did not go as we had thought.  The beagle aggressively declared his ownership of his new home and new companion and our peaceful dog, who I believe is the Dalai Lama of dogs, was terribly hurt emotionally, not physically.  I am sure that had they met on the streets the result would have been much more cordial, but our new canine friend felt the understandable need to protect his territory.  I shared my fascination with his home to the man and he was kind enough and friendly enough to tell me the history of his home, which was built in the latter 1800's, and his own personal story of ownership and even gave me a tour of his abode.  With the exception of the dog confrontation, the unexpected afternoon meeting was a pure joy.

After the chance meeting of the mystery home's owner, I started thinking about how we never really know what unexpected occurrence may change the course of a day.  I went to Mount Dora never expecting to meet the owner of the house of my fascination, much less expecting to be granted a tour of the home.  When strolling back from breakfast that morning we never expected that the man we met walking with the beagle was the owner of the house or that we would encounter them later the same day, giving me the opportunity to tour his home and find out more about it.  Having experienced something so unexpected, I began wondering if my manifestation of Mount Dora might also emerge from some unforeseen meeting or happening.  For a few days I felt a sense of hope.

The hope did not last long.  I returned home to all the responsibilities, problems and long hours of work that eat up the hours of my days during this busy time of year.  Very quickly my pleasant memories of Mount Dora melted like a snowflake in Florida and I again felt tired and sad.  But, in the midst of my resignation little bits of hope keep showing up.  None of them was  profound enough to completely give me back my hopeful enthusiasm, but collectively they are pushing me into a better emotional place.

Two were these quotes that I received in my daily emails from Gratefulness.org:

WORD FOR THE DAY Monday, Dec. 17 Most of us look at our ideals, say how far we are from them, and get depressed. But it is heroic simply to say, "Here are my ideals," state them before the world, and then spend your life trying to live up to them. Keshavan Nair New Dimensions Radio interview

WORD FOR THE DAY Sunday, Jan. 13 Your success and happiness lie in you....Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties. Helen Keller

The hours I have spent with my friend who was in the automobile accident have also shown me that we can heal, physically and emotionally, and, I hope, spiritually, if we just give ourselves some time.

I recently came across an animal card reading that Shenna Benarte did for me in the fall.  Much of what I am experiencing now was foretold during that reading.  She warned me of working too hard (not much I can do about that), that many emotional issues would surface and need attention (oh, yeah), that I need to journal more (I have been journaling less), that I would be consumed with worrying and wondering and that my reaction should be to stand back and shore up my strength (I have been more weak than strong), that the months ahead would be filled with running around and going crazy (so true), that the drama I would be experiencing was a mirror to what was happening internally and that I need to slow down and breathe consciously whenever I am feeling overwhelmed (that is exactly when I forget to slow down and breathe), that I need to work spiritually on my emotional issues (have been very disconnected spiritually), that I need to be more open and less literal in my translation of what is happening to and around me, and, the most important part of the reading, was the raven "magic" card that I drew which means I can create whatever I want.  That is the part of need to remember.  I was amazed when I came across my notes of that reading.  It happened not long ago, but I had forgotten about all the warnings and encouragement of the cards. Now I feel more accepting that the rough times I am experiencing are a process.  I don't LIKE the process, but it is inevitable and, I hope, will push me closer to where I want to be.    

So here I am.  Still tired, often overwhelmed, sometimes sad, occasionally defeated, but I am seeing little bits of light in what often seems like a deep darkness.  I am sometimes depressed, but I am not in a depression.  My life is good overall and my days, although often long and irritating, are also filled with smiles, laughter, love, music and sunshine. Just the fact that I am writing this post is progress!  The long month of January is not even half gone and I know that I will continue to feel bombarded until I am able to slow down a little, but the days ahead do not seem as dark as they did yesterday.

Living Life As It Is

Last week, at this time, my man and I were in Mount Dora.  So was Tropical Storm Isaac.  That seems to be the theme of the summer, we escape for rest and relaxation and are accompanied by a tropical storm.  It happened in May with Tropical Storm Beryl, in June with Debby and last week with Isaac.  Fortunately, we stayed safe and still had a good time and our home and family, who also were in the path of the three storms, suffered no ill effects of the unpredictable weather.  


Being in Mount Dora, as always, was restorative.  Much rest, walks in the rain or between the rains, lots of reading, some writing, naps, visits with people we have come to know in our favorite town and the pleasure of meeting other residents, and many good meals.  Good times can be had even in threatening weather.  We discovered a book store called Barrel of Books and Games where I purchased some gifts for my grandchildren and several books, including a three-book series of novels that take place in Mount Dora called the Fairlawn Series by Angela Hunt.  Last night, having completed a wonderful novel about people and dogs living near Central Park in Manhattan (another of my favorite places) called “The New Yorkers”, I started the first in the Fairlawn series, “Doesn’t She Look Natural?”  I am enjoying the story very much in spite of the slight “Christian” side-theme, which is present but not preachy.  The story is not unusual: husband has mid-life crisis leaving his wife and two sons for their nanny, who is, of course, a fraction of his age.  Mom is left struggling financially, forced to sell their home and move in with her retired mother, searching for a job in Washington, D.C. while hindered by her powerful husband’s influence there, and trying to remain hopeful about the future as she assumes almost full responsibility for raising their two sons.  I have just reached the part when Mount Dora enters the picture.  Mom inherits, from an barely-known great-uncle, a funeral home in Mount Dora and will end up moving her children there to assume management of a business about which she knows nothing.  I am looking forward to seeing how Mount Dora is portrayed in the book - favorably, I am sure, since the book is sold and promoted in the town!  I like the idea of the unknown business challenge and am interested in seeing how mom and boys adjust to their new lives in Mount Dora, so far-removed and so immensely different than their lifestyle and  experiences in the D.C. area.

My Labor Day weekend plans to finish painting the table and chairs I purchased for my grandchildren back in July were pushed aside when my client, who has closed his business but still needs me to work for him until the end of the year, decided that he does not want to keep his office available as a place for me to work and asked me to transfer his bookkeeping records, computer and printer and some office supplies to my house.  Since my house is overflowing with three adults and two children living here full-time and two other family members staying for weeks at a time several times a year, it was a challenge to make room for more stuff.  But, because he was not only a good client but also a friend, I did my best to accommodate his wishes.  More rearranging, more organizing, but I think I made it work.  Waiting now for my computer-expert friend to come by and tweak what I started, but I am confident we can make the situation satisfactory.  

On Thursday, I leave for a women-only retreat called Expanding Past The Fear at an ocean resort in the Florida Panhandle.  I am excited to be part of this event.  Not only will it involve lots of self-care, but we will work through our fears - fears that may be holding us back from who we should be and what we should be doing.  I believe that we are all a work-in-progress and anything we can do to improve who we are and where we are furthers us on our path to prosperity and personal fulfillment.  I am so grateful for the opportunity to be part of this retreat!

Life continues even when you have a manifestation project.  You cannot stop living, nor should you, to concentrate on what you want to create in the future.  I know people who put their current lives on hold to while away the hours dreaming of what they want the future to hold.  Life is about energy and energy is about action.  Action is in the present, the now.  Work must be done, bills paid, food prepared, lawns mowed, clothes washed, children hugged, school lessons learned, floors swept, bodies showered, books read.  Our actions must naturally revolve around what creates and maintains the life we are living right now, but we also should carve out time for what we want to manifest.  Just a little time.  Some meditation, some visualization every day.  Some journaling is good and for me, blogging.  For whatever it is you want to manifest, set aside a little time everyday, even if no more than fifteen minutes, to keep your dream alive and fresh.  Embrace and participate in the life you have now, even if your desire is to create a new, different life.  Appreciate what you have now to energize what you want in the future.

4/15/12 Getting Help

Mark Twain is attributed with this famous saying:  “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.”

Basically, if you want your life to change, if you want something different or something more than you have, you need to change what you do.  Easier said than done.  We are creatures of habit and products of our environment.  We tend to follow in the foot steps of those who preceded us - usually, our parents.  My father possessed an explosive temper and in my late teens, my nickname was “Time Bomb”.  Let me get angry and someone could say “tick, tick, tick” and I would explode right on time.  My supervisor at my job when I was 19 was lobbying for me to be promoted, but he warned me that my temper was well-known and could sabotage my chances.  I considered my temper and its origins and realized I was becoming my father, at least in that aspect.  I made a conscious decision that day to hold my temper in check.  Now, anyone who knows me cannot imagine that I once displayed a nearly out-of-control temper.  Did I get the promotion?  No, but that was due to an economic decline that led to the elimination of the job.  I missed the promotion, but changed my personality. 

Sometimes we can make conscious decisions to change and we follow through successfully, sometimes we try and try and still do not succeed, sometimes we don’t even know how to initiate a change and sometimes we don’t even realize we need to change. 

First, each of us needs to be aware of who we are and how we appear to others.  We need to take inventory of our problems and decide if those issues can be corrected by changing what we do and how we behave.  If you lack friends or long-term friendships, maybe your behavior turns off people, perhaps you come across as cold and unfriendly or maybe you have a reputation for being unreliable or a gossip.  If you always struggle financially, perhaps your spending habits need to be fine-tuned or you may have a mentality of lack, always thinking of what you don’t have or what you think you can’t have.  If we are honest with ourselves, each of us can find some area of our lives that can stand improvement. 

Second, once you identify an aspect of your behavior or an area of your life that needs improvement, determine if you know how to make constructed changes that will move you in a new and better direction.  Do you already possess the knowledge and the skills to curb your temper, increase your reliability, stop a bad habit like gossiping, learn to be a better listener, handle your finances with care or change your outlook?  Whatever your identified issue or issues, figure out if you can create a plan for improvement and put it in motion to make the changes you desire.  If you can, great, get started!  If you can’t, start searching for the information and help you need.

There are scores of life coaches, therapists, books, DVD’s, CD’s, audio downloads and websites that can educate you on how to make positive changes in your life.  There are hundreds of different lessons and practices you can try - affirmations, visualizations, journaling, EFT, hypnotherapy, psychotherapy, meditation, life coaching, support groups, yoga, etc.  Each modality, each approach has something to offer and some work better for some people than for others.  Try them out.  Find one or two or three that work well with your mind set, your personality and your lifestyle.  Whatever you choose must become part of your life, a regular practice.  If you try one approach and see only minor or no results, try another.  Just as all medicines do not work well for all people, neither do these types of “therapies”.  Keep looking until you find one or more that gives you the results you want, but be sure you allow enough time to evaluate a new practice.  Give it a chance to work for you before you give up on it and try something new.  In our lightening fast world, we want instant gratification and results, but changing how we think or behave is not always a fast or easy process.  Even if you are only noticing small improvements, they can mount up to a life-changing shift. 

 About six years ago, I attended my first chord cutting ceremony - a practice based on Native American and Eastern ceremonies to facilitate the breaking of our ties with unhealthy, unneeded or limiting parts of our lives and relationships - present or past.  I went because a friend attended the month before and noticed immediate and profound changes in her life.  After my first ceremony, I could not identify even the slightest change in my life, but I went back month after month and am still going several times a year.  Slowly I noticed changes.  Unlike my friend, these transformations were gradual and more subtle.  But, since I did see changes no matter how small and since the ceremonies usually left me with a feeling of peace that last for several hours and sometimes a few days, I continued participating.  Looking back, I realized that rapid changes would have been bad for me.  My life had already gone through several major upheavals and although the end results were positive, I needed some downtime to assimilate what I’d already experienced.  I desired more changes, but too much, too fast would have been overwhelming and counter-productive.  My changes came slow and steady, just as I needed.  After each ceremony, participants can discuss what they experienced and I often heard of visions, intense feelings, out-of-body type sensations, unusual sounds and the like.  It was a long time before I began experiencing anything stronger than a sense of floating.  But, again, I believe the sensations came to me as I was able to accept and appreciate them. 

Friday night, I was at a chord cutting and had the most profound emotional experience yet.  An amazing feeling of happiness and gratitude swept over me, is still hanging around and I am sure it has something to do with my Manifesting Mount Dora project.  Last week, my man and I were in Mount Dora during a weather pattern of gusty winds - some 30 to 40 miles per hour.  We sat at the end of Grantham Point Park (also known as Lighthouse Park) watching birds soar and dip in the high winds, just enjoying their ability to ride the winds as a child would a roller coaster.  During the chord cutting, with eyes closed, I felt like one of those birds - I was  undulating on the winds, feeling joyful and childlike.  Below me, I saw water (Lake Dora?) and thick canopies of trees.  Suddenly, in mid-air, a young racoon appeared before me.  He was identical to the young racoon we’d come across last week on the shores of Mount Dora.  He just floated before my face, looking impish and gleeful.  Wherever I flew, he stayed bobbing in front of me, sometimes chattering and always consumed with childlike happiness.  Those at the ceremony said I was swaying and smiling as they’d never seen me before.  Later, during our final mediation when I was reclining on my back on the floor, the racoon appeared again; this time sitting on my chest with his smiling face just above mine.  I left the ceremony feeling airy, hopeful, and intensely happy.  All weekend, even during some stressful or annoying moments, I was able to access that same feeling of joy. 

Had I immediately given up after my first chord cutting with its less than notable results, I would never have had the experiences and sensations that have gradually come to me.  I am so grateful for my introduction to chord cutting ceremonies and I unerringly know that I am a better and a freer person for all the ceremonies I’ve attended.  I made a choice to do something different so I would get something different than I’d always got, to paraphrase Mr. Twain. 

Color outside the lines - step beyond the boundaries, real or imagined, that fence in your life - fly a little - run instead of walk - skip when no one is looking and then when everyone is looking - swirl the water around you and disperse the stagnation - feel the breeze on your face - just do something different and see what becomes of it.  You may be surprised.